Hello, it's nice to meet you. I'm kiheer (and no it's not my real name). I make it a habit to love and tolerate the ever-living shit out of everyone.
As Sombra's final plans come to a close, the future of the Crystal Empire will be forever more altered in this final sequence in a plan spanning three years.
I'm not too happy with this, but hopefully you'll like it.
Cover art to come when I feel like it.
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I'm sorry, but I didn't. Not that I despised it, far from it, but several elements bothered it to much for me to enjoy.
Isn't it "veni vidi vici"? Doesn't really matter. It does matter to me, however, that I still don't understand that beginning.
Okay, so they are the spirits that created the alicorn amulet. Why not. Still doesn't explain anything. (I mean, it makes it more complicated than having Sombra being the creator of the amulet, without adding much there).
Okay... so they want the princess to die. Why? It's never explained. I do admit she creates a problem into the nature of the alicorns, but that's hardly a reason to want to murder her. Joke aside, you never explain the motives of those three spirits, you never explain who those spirits are and the relation to the "coup d'état (yay for french)" is kind of weak. To be honest, I don't really see it (ironic when vidi means "I saw" (pretty much)).
Three years of scheming. That sounded good.
But a little less so when I discovered that in three years, the best plan he could come up with was to make a front attack in plain day before everypony, relying only on the power of the amulet. That sounds more like a plan made within a week.
By the way:
How was it important for him to become count? Those are ponies. I'm pretty sure even a peasant could obtain to see the princess. I guess you could give me a proper explanation, but I would have rather would like to find it directly into the story.
How come she doesn't know who he is? Didn't... wait...
You could say that the princess couldn't know of the wherabouts of a mere count. But as a reader, I have only the information you give me to judge what the characters know or do not know. And here, I had to assume the princess would be as proccupied as everypony else about the death of the count and know of the one who took his place... So it's strange that she wouldn't recognize him later.
***
Still, as I said, I didn't despise the story. Mostly:
I'm not very good with english, but this felt like a good description of a magical fight.
***
To sum up my opinion, a very ambitious story that should go way deeper into:
- those three spirits
- Sombra's plans
- maybe Sombra's personnality (he looks like a foal to me, but that's a matter of taste and therefore I cannot say it's a bad thing).
3487879
I understand your discomfort, and I agree: this story is deep in plot hole country. However consider this:
This is a one-shot.
It is under the random tab.
Imagine it as the grand finale to a good story.
In other words this was me trying out an idea. I plan to use the deeper aspects like the spirits and all that in a full multi-chapter story. The thing is, people don't tend to read as many big projects like that and I'm trying to get noticed at the moment.
So take it at face value, a short story about Sombra's plan come full circle.
3488203
Well, then my only real complain is:
Not that it's bad. As said, it's a matter of taste, but I can't personnally picture Sombra as a brager. Mostly because he never said anything during the episodes and even more importantly, because silence is the language of evil.
Well, having Cadance not being destressed or very badly hurt, or overwhelmed by the sadness of her fallen empire makes it so much less epic.
Or maybe she could be still strong, willing to fight, full of hope, in order to break the cliché, but you need something to tell that her words and her hope are totally worthless, just empty threats. I don't really know how. I do know however that just having her turning tail isn't enough, because it allows the possibility for a next chapter.
It doesn't give me the impression she is really defeated (and that therefore Sombra has really won).
Some foreshadowing of that would have been great. Maybe by having the nobles and Cadance be the once laughing at the beginning (because... I don't know) and having Sombra being incredibly serious all the way long, emotionless, to contrast with the laughter explosion.
in that regard, it's not bad. But I really can't get past all the missing elements. Sorry.
3488277
Didn't you notice he was wearing a certain amulet around his neck? Don't you remember what it does to the wearer's personality?
As for Cadence's convenient escape, I never mentioned Luna and Celestia's intervention or the disappearance of the kingdom, also the kingdom reappears with Cadence, so I can expect you to put two and two together right?
3488351
Of course you can.
3488423
Any other problems or concerns that I as a gooooooood friend can help you with?
I have to agree with TwinB in reading the story. There are too many plot holes, but I suppose that does constitute the random tag. The other things for me are run on sentences (with improper comma use) and the need for five separated sections when only two could had been used. The one thing I like is the descriptive wording when actions were taken. Be that as it may, I feel iffy about the rest of it. Can't wait to see what else you got!
Cheers!
3509004
It is true that I wrote this half asleep, and as such it isn't the best piece I've done. The most annoying part was fitting Cadence's name in (since I assume Cadence is from her rebirth) and as such involved large comma use.