The New Comer

by Writer Fire

Dance with the dead

SLASH!

I slash threw one that got over the wall. Since this morning they have been trying to get over the walls we built. We even had to make shifts for wall watch. We have been holding them off with spears,swords,and plasma cutters. One or two will get over the wall and that's where a simple sword to the face does it.

We have to teach some of the unicorns how to shoot the plasma cutters. There arrows didn't do anything to them. It took a couple of hours,but they soon got at least a body shoot. I still won't trust them shooting from behind me. I just got off my shift as wall watcher and headed back into the castle.

The castle was still a bleeding hell hole. We patched up almost all of the wounded,but some just had to much damage. We did what we did every time someone died. We cut off there heads and threw them over the wall. It's sad really. Most of the time close friend do it.,but I sometimes have to do it and it hurts.

Ever since the accident we still have nothing on what happened. I gave them the cylinder the guy gave me,but the bad thing is the captain and the scientist only knew what it was. Well there dead and crawling around somewhere. The only place to look is on the ship and that's full of those monsters.

I walked around until I got to my room. I opened the door and sat down on my bed. I looked down at my clean suit,well it was. Now there is spots of blood on it. I sat there just thinking about what went down. I sat there quietly looking out my window. I turn and sighed. This place use to be a beautiful paradise. Now it's hell. Buildings are gone,dead people and ponys are turning back into those monsters. It just seems like a nightmare. If it was I would want to wake up,but it's not. I sat there thinking when I heard a knock on my door.

"Come in." I said as my door opened and Sun Shield came in.

"He Sun need help with something?" I asked him. He looked at me with fear and confusion.

"The...princesses want to talk to you." He said and walked back out the door.

"Ok?" I said. I was a little worried about him. He looked like he was going to snap any second. Well I couldn't think of it to much. The princesses wanted me.

I walked down the long hallways until I got back to the main lobby. I walked around all the wounded and got up to there thrones.

"I'm here. What ya need?" I asked them.

"When you gave us the cylinder one of your people told us that only the captain and the scientist knew what it was,and that's all on the ship." Celestia paused looking at me like she just gave me a mission.

I sighed." Ok I will go to the ship." I said to them.

"Thank you. We already have a team ready for you." Celestia said as she looked over. I looked to where she was looking and a team of four was standing there. Two humans and two ponys. Well three humans and two ponys counting me.

The first human I didn't know. He was tall and had his X22 suit on. The other was Flog and of course he had some kind of technology in his hand,but he had a plasma cutter in his other hand also. Never thought I would see him holding one. The other pony was Sun Shield. He had his gold armor on and still looked like he was going to snap. I would need to keep an eye on him. The last one was a dark green pony. He had silver like hair and his cutie mark was a sword. He had his golden armor had a spear with him,and since he was a unicorn he had a plasma cutter on his side. I looked at my team. I didn't know how they did in battle because I never saw any of them in battle. I guess this was going to be a learning experience.

"Ok so when do ya want us to start?" I asked Celestia.

"As soon as possible." She said to me.

"Alright. Let's go guys." I said as we headed out the door.

As we walked up to the gate we where quite. Ya I would be to. I was about to go into a nightmare that we may not come out of.We got to the gate and again it was full of those monsters. I turn to my team and looked at t him.

"Well looks we're fighting our why there." I said as the guards opened the gates and we went head first into battle.

We were almost to the ship. These monsters were pretty easy to kill,but with a herd of them it was difficult. We had about a couple of yards to go,but the more we went the more there were. Flog and me were killing them left and right. Sun Shield and the other human were fighting right behind us. The other pony was fighting by himself. He seemed to be holding his own. We were almost to the ship when I heard a screen of pain. I looked over to see Flog was fine. I turned around to see the human was being ripped to pieces. Sun ran up to me as the human was destroyed in seconds. We go back to fighting are way to the ship as the monsters tore into him.

We got to the ship and fought are way in. When we got in we sat down on some crates. I turned Flog. He was breathing heavily from fighting so much. His weapon was out of ammo and everyone else was tired. We sat there and didn't talk about what happened to the guy.

"Well Its time we get what we came for." I said as we all got up and headed down the hallway and deeper into the ship.

Author's Note:

Here is another one for ya. Have a good one.

Your friend
Gerlack.

Comments

[ComatoseVEVO]

First.
Now with seriousness so far so good you should improbe the descriptions though aside from that Keep up the good work

[SUPERCHARGER2001]

You want my opinion? Well I can give you it, but only if you really want constructive criticism. If you don't, then forget this comment, but I'll say three things in the simplest format like you use yourself;

Its needs to be more descriptive

Its needs an editor

Oh and this is rich right here, you need to actually fix a main character's name; Pinki is spelled Pinkie.

You see what I did? I explained everything that was a problem with your story except I wasn't descriptive, the same problem you infuriate throughout the story.

Personally I don't know what you should do with the story also. I really don't.

Okay, okay. I'll be firm, to me. I hate these type of stories, really generic stuff that's been done over and over. I abhor this genre greatly, that sci-fi/Equestria stuff doesn't work for me.

But! Here is the positive side, yes. Here is a positive side to your problem. The genre itself is very famous among Fimfiction-goers and so that means no matter how good or bad the story is (like HiE stories), aside from grammar (which you need help with), this story can blow up and get you on the featured box. Really it can, it sky-rocket there and give you millions of enjoyment. People will be coming to you and say this is the best thing out there and I firmly and strongly believe it can be, but you have to show appreciation for the story first and I can tell you tried, I really do because I struggle myself. I was where you were three months ago back in September and now I've improved because of constructive and abusive criticism. Something you need so you can become better but watch out. Some people are jerks for reviewing and love to bash someone's story while pretending to sound empathetic.

My overall score is; 6/10 for the story.

Grammar and everything else; 4/10.

Have a great day!

[River Dashe]

3480985
you sure it's not collage? or is that a different word?

SHADDUP IM STUPID

[SilentMech]

This reads more like an overview of what is happening, rather than a proper story. For example, the first chapter could be easily turned into a five to six thousand word chapter of set up for just the tech level, how the multi weapon works, describing the short corridors to the pod ship, then the details of take off, the trip out to the planet before bringing up the mission briefing, then describing the view outside the ship, the drop pod, then ending when he lands. Next chapter could have the first meeting with a pony with both of them freaking out to a degree, then bring in Twilight and Spike to explain things and bring up Celestia, next chapter, trip to Canterlot, meeting the princesses and discussing culture and possible shared history, then memory spell, next chapter, slide show of all of his memories, next bring up test side effects, next chapter, getting a job in the kitchen, time skip, suddenly necromorphs raining from the sky, next chapter, cutting and burning spells determined to be most efficient, halberds issued in place of spears, shield wall construction and beginning uses of enchantments on human weapons, next chapter, wall shifts establishment, pegasi scouting missions to relay to the other cities and towns for survivors, next chapter, find out the source is the crashed ship, start pushing defenses out to it slowly, then send Gerlack into the ship with a broad spectrum defensive group, about two of each race, then the latest chapter, getting in through a wall of the dead, lose some random character, then find a relatively safe spot, deal with emotional loss and wounds, and begin planning the route to either a lab or the captains office, then whatever happens next. Now keep in mind, this is literally a bare bones version of how a very well written version of this story would be, the actual story would be full of description, emotion, and so on so that it is not as dry and bland as this. I wish this story had multi thousand word chapters to make it really shine and stand out, unfortunately, it does not. Also, please get an editor to look over this story.