Just a random guy trying to change the world.
Steven is a timid 15 year old who likes playing games. He doesn't have many friends, he'd rather play video games all day than making friends. One day however he got a very weird game mailed to him by an anonymous person. He was keen with games, but he has never seen this game before. It's name was My Little Human. He didn't know what he was getting into...
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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You qualify for a Warren Peace review. Prepare yourself...
Okay, so already you're not promising an interesting or original premise when it's another teenage kid who goes to Equestria through some technological device. It's been done a million times before and it'll be done a million times again. Unless you can provide something new or interesting to this genre I wouldn't try it.
Great, so in other words he's a wimp that you're probably going to try to make us care about and, judging from the L/D ratio, failed to do. Additionally, write out all numbers less than a thousand. It looks more professional and less lazy.
Now, onto the story...
This is telling. While telling is needed in fictional writing, it should always be used less than showing. Telling is something that textbooks, on the other hand, should do and textbooks are usually long winded and very dull reads because of it. That said, it makes logical sense that if you write a story that is all tell and very little show it's going to be one thing: boring. The best way to fix this is to read, read, READ as much good fiction as possible to get a feeling for balancing the acts of show and tell.
Why the hell did he say this twice? It makes no sense. Don't believe me? Read it OUT LOUD (heavy focus on those two words) and tell me I'm wrong without lying.
Among other things, you need to work on dialogue. This can also best be done by studying how other great authors do it. The problem here is the fact that she's saying what she is without the proper beginning piece from mister Living. Using the phrasing present would work only if either A: he'd known her name already and mispronounced/spoken/etc it, in which case she would be using the present phrasing to correct him. On the flipside, B: he asked her what her name was. Even in this second case however, the use of the word: I'm is usually the go-to word for this situation.
Girls from a video game or not, this ain't the reaction that a normal human being goes through when he wakes up to find two people waiting for him to wake up. Perhaps things are done differently across the seas, but here in the states, we call that home invasion and we usually freak out because people don't normally break into our houses in the middle of the night. Either way, it'd make a far more interesting scene if he did in fact freak the shit out and the human-ponies had to drag him to Equestria. As well, the dream excuse is bullshit in real life. You can tell when you aren't in a dream, if you can't then you're insane. So, in short, he's not a believable character and that's no good.
What beautiful scenery? All I see are boring and dull words on a page of a story that I'm reviewing because it has a crappy L/D ratio. Point being (again): you're telling us bullshit instead of showing us bullshit. Potentially poor wording on that last sentence aside, as a writer you need to paint us a picture with your words of the world that you wish to create. Settling for: beautiful scenery won't cut it. Ever.
So yeah.
You need to work on showing versus telling, dialogue, and character creation. All of these can be done with both help from editors, reading good (and maybe one or two pieces of bad) fiction, and (rather important) reading out loud when (not: if) you edit your stories.
Questions or concerns? PM me. Otherwise good luck and farewell...
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I'd love to thank you for your very detailed review about my story. Telling you the truth, I did not expect anyone putting this much effort into telling me how bad I am, it actually started making me laugh.
I am well aware that I will probably never be a good writer as I'm doing it for fun and maybe share a few laughs with friends while talking about my story.
Oh and to all these other people rating my story, feel free to comment and tell me what you didn't like about it