Ponies are disappearing in Ponyville, and everypony is blaming Pinkie Pie, but she is innocent. Pinkie doesn't understand how anypony could think it was her, because one of the ponies that went missing was her beloved Dashie. Rarity and Fluttershy both disappeared after fleeing to Canterlot together. Will Pinkie Pie be able to find the pony behind this and be able to save her friends, or will she simply... vanish, forever?
---------
I hope everypony likes this fanfic! Criticism is welcome and appreciated, but please don't just say "oh, this fanfic is horrible!" and not state why. I need to learn because this is my first. Thanks for reading this, everypony!
------------
Sorry everypony, putting this one on hiatus for a while. Very, very sorry to all of those ponies out there who tracked this, promise I will get back to it later. Again, I'm really sorry.
Awwww, poor Pinkie.
Well I can definitely see some shining talent in here. And onto the critique (since it's your first story):
Break up the paragraphs whenever a new person speaks. Don't make conversations into big block paragraphs, it's easier for readers to understand a new person whenever there is a new line for the speaker.
Also, you might want to change "Pinkie" into something like "pink mare" or "Earth pony" or something else. It says Pinkie 45 times in here, and it's repetitive. It seems like almost every other sentence has her name.
The first person to third person thing was strange, but fine. The problem I see is when (quote) "Pinkie was unsure what she was doing here, but she felt like... she needed something here." and (quote) "AJ brought all the memories, all the despair, all the... all the... feelings back." and more. The ellipses puts in a bit too much of thought and feeling into it, as though it was first person, instead of an all-knowing third person. Without the ellipses the sentence would still have it's emotional punch. A third person would write it flat out, not show an emotional connection with words that aren't talking.
Other than that, this seems like a great idea. Can't wait to read more of this.
The only question I have is why they're blaming Pinkie for this. No real explanation for why the most liked pony in Ponyville is suddenly blamed for this. Oh, and great picture for the story.
Criticism:
I've got nothing
Here's what you wrote.
"But Pinkie! If it's evaded even the Princesses for so long, how will you even stand a chance? I could only use that tracking spell if I had one of the pony's possessions, but I don't think it'll let us get that far..." Pinkie's eyes burned with a fierce light. "Don't tell me you've given up already, before we've even started!" Pinkie stomped her hoof. "I won't allow it! How would you feel if Princess Celestia, your adoptive mother, your mentor were taken and hurt because you did nothing?!? Huh? What then?"
Allow me to show you how to fix this.
"But Pinkie! If it's evaded even the Princesses for so long, how will you even stand a chance? I could only use that tracking spell if I had one of the pony's possessions, but I don't think it'll let us get that far..."
Pinkie's eyes burned with a fierce light. "Don't tell me you've given up already, before we've even started!" She stomped her hoof. "I won't allow it! How would you feel if Princess Celestia, your adoptive mother, your mentor were taken and hurt because you did nothing?!? Huh? What then?"
looking forward to some more installments :3,
just as a sort of critique, as 2k LOL said you should start a new line when a new person talks instead of sticking them in one block paragraph,
also the whole story seems a little rushed? i never really got to experience the terror she felt when she was at fluttershy's cottage because in about three lines she was at AJ's,
still, shows promise, so i will track the story :]
258846
Thanks for all the advice, didn't think of breaking the speaking into separate paragraphs, and thanks for all the compliments! I know I don't say why they blame Pinkie just yet, I'll expand on that later. A slight spoiler: it's something Pinkie did in her past, after she was friends with Twilight and the others, but before she and Dashie get together c;
259467
Hmmm.... I thought it was a little rushed also, I'll probably expand on that scene before the next chapter. I wanted to see if anyone thought it was rushed also. I'm going to get to editing right now!
I edited it a bit. Mostly spaced out the paragraphs. Please, please, please reread the Fluttershy's cottage thing. I tried to draw it out a little bit more. ;D
259594 there ya go ;D much better :]
259761
Thanks! Also, thanks for being my very first follower! It means a lot! Although, it did look a little creepy in my notices, saying "Derpyyy is Watching you" XD
260021 you're welcome :p and haha >:]
Finished Chapter 2~
I was able to turn it out so quickly, because it wasn't much of the story, just explaining a few things, such as why everypony suspects Pinkie, and why there's no Pound and Pumpkin Cake in this fic ;D
So it's basically a sad interlude.
Hope you guys like it!
Awwwwww, poor Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake
261596
lol
I know...
AND nopony but Pinkie knows how they REALLY died...
Unjust story = Good story?
261606 Yeah....
It's a good story, but its a sad story. Still good though.
oh shit
263502
Random comment is random
I mean that the cakes died
264578
I know.
Still random XD
The third chapter! To make up for this one being short, I PINKIE PROMISE
to make the next one EXTRA-long for everypony!
A hologram
who woulda guessed
Pinkie breaks the 4th wall to the readers. A nice concept, but it is considered somewhat thin ice. Be careful with what you do.
The text is flat: "Pinkie does this. She does that. This happens. That happens. Pinkie sees this. Yadda, yadda, yadda" You need to work around with your sentences a bit more. Bring forth your imaginations and add details to the text. You must give us the colors to paint the images you want us to.
The more "suspense" parts of it were also lacking the feeling. You roughly described Pinkie's actions.
My motto: When a character is in a peaceful setting, take your time and describe the scenery, their moods, etc. When in a rushed setting (such as a battle or 'super fear' conditions), try to describe what they feel. The burning throats, the aching lungs, the pounding heart, the muscle fatigue, the mental strain, etc.
For instance, the scene with Pinkie on Flutters' cottage would be a lot better if you took your time in describing the setting she found herself on, along with her thoughts about what was going on. Remember: we readers are as clueless as the characters in a suspenseful scene.
The story also seems awfully rushed. You could enhance the suspense by making your chapters longer and focusing a lot more on the scenes. There are some plot-holes here and there... but the biggest one is: why did they blame Pinkie Pie? Ok, you, the author knows the answer because you came up with the story, but we readers don't. So give us a hand here.
DIALOGS! Please remember: Each character deserves its own paragraph for dialogs. When one pony speaks and ends, hit that beautiful Return Key on your keyboard and allow the other character to voice its mind. If you refrain from doing so, it will confuse the readers A LOT.
When ending a scene and starting another (such as Pinkie crying at AJ's and then Pinkie back at the library), use a marker to divide the change of scenery. REMEMBER THE CODE [ center]~o0o~[ /center] . Just remove the spaces and it will be fine.
Pinkie is an emotional time-bomb. Literally. First you state that she is never going to smile again, then you have her calling Twilight a silly filly. That is not what someone who vowed never to smile again would do.
THE ELLIPSIS! Refrain from using them when in a third-person narrative. They are more intended for first-person because they carry emotion to the sentences. A third-person narrator is usually someone who is outside the story. He can't demonstrate his feelings. He must show them to us, instead.
Although I try to avoid the Lavender Unicorn Syndrome like a spreading disease, I would advise you to do so here. Calling her Pinkie or she incessantly is really hard on the eyes.
Some aspects of the story feel like Deus Ex Machina to me; especially the ones which try to explain why the other ponies blame pinkie. It sincerely doesn't look like much thought was paid to it.
See what I did here? See how it is a fucking strain to read over a huge chunk of text? This serves as a lesson!
Please, don't take this comment as an offense. I really intend on giving you my best criticism in order to help you improve further and further. I hope you pay these a mind.
267928
BLARGALAGRAFLARG
This.
This was my response to see how much revising I need.
I know!
I'm going to finish the story, THEN go on a HUGE revising spree and redo much of the story.
Sound good?
268054 I'd tell you to do it right now... or else you'll be losing a few people who are interested in your story, but can't get past the errors.
268077
Meep...
Can't do it right not... gotta get off...
I'll do it... soon?
268093 No worries, man. Don't feel pressured by me. It is your story, after all.
268102 do me a huge favour? go on my story? and like. criticise the shit out of it? :] cause i could really use a huge paragraph of help
please? :]
other than that: onto the story,
it's getting better :3, i'm gaining more interest as the story goes on, was a bit confused by the hologram
, and your scene's still seem a tad rushed, try to in-depth describe some scary things, like when you have the scene where they're in a scary predicament, or something's happening, instead of saying "she died" say something like " he laughed menacingly as he crushed her to death, her ligaments tearing, the crunching of breaking bones as he tightened his grip, there was so much pain, her demise came as a relief" describe it in detail to give a scarier impression, if you know what i mean.
268466 I will, but tomorrow.
268565 thankyou very much :3
and i believe your picture is a tattoo, it's awesome ^_^
i think it's a tattoo, if it's not, it's still awesome :p
268585 Hah, yes it is. And thank you. I'm very proud of it... All that money and the needle piercing my skin, injecting black tincture in about 100 times per second... a real bliss. If you have a solid design in your mind; I strongly recommend it. You'll win 1000 e-cupcakes if you can guess where it is from and send me the message via PM.
Hint #1: Nintendo 64 game
Hint #2: This was the original design. My tattoo artist modified it.
fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/058/2/9/dkadmad_by_overboarded2-d4r7t9o.jpg
268613 i have absolutely no idea :], however, it is very accurate, i only really played mario kart on the n64 haha :p,
268466
Well, thanks...
I'm going to do an edit of the story before the next chapter, but not really the image you put in my mind that I wanted during breakfast...
270012 sorryyyyyyyy
my bad, hehe, yeahh...sorry ._.
I'm liking this.
Please give this a cursing warning...
287141
Yeah, sorry about that then.
That part just sorta came to me... .-.
I would greatly enjoy an update to this, it's pretty good so far and it pains me to see such a story go neglected so long