Pinkie Pie was bouncing along, going to find Dashie. They were going to race today, again! Today was going to be perfect, just Pinkie, Dashie, all alone... together...
Yes, that was what almost every day was like for me, about two months ago. Perfect. Then this happened... Oh, silly me, didn't see you guys there, reading this. Better bring you up to date, huh? Well, first off, in case you didn't figure it out, I'm Pinkie Pie. Pinkamena Diane Pie. Then, the day after that race with Dashie, I... I woke up to find she was missing from Sugar Cube Corner, where she spent the night with me. I thought she had just gone home, but she didn't appear for the next several days. Then, rumors of missing ponies started floating around, and I knew Dashie was one of them. My friends tried to cheer me up... but, nothing worked, my hair was as flat as ever... And still is. When the rumors were confirmed true, Rarity and Fluttershy tried to flee to Canterlot. The day after they got there, they went missing. Then, fearfully, ponies started to blame me. I tried saying I was innocent, AJ and Twi standing up for me... but ponies still keep a distance. I have decided one thing. I will find the pony who's doing this. I will bring those ponies back home. I will save my friends... I will bring my Dashie back...
Anyway... Right now I'm in Twi's library tree, discussing how to find this pony. I will be narrating this story for you guys in the third person from now on.
"But Pinkie! If it's evaded even the Princesses for so long, how will you even stand a chance? I could only use that tracking spell if I had one of the pony's possessions, but I don't think it'll let us get that far..."
Pinkie's eyes burned with a fierce light. "Don't tell me you've given up already, before we've even started!" Pinkie stomped her hoof. "I won't allow it! How would you feel if Princess Celestia, your adoptive mother, your mentor were taken and hurt because you did nothing?!? Huh? What then?"
Pinkie spun towards the door, not even looking back as she said, "Fine. You need something that the pony owns? I'll get you that something. I'm not coming back 'til I do." Pinkie stormed out of the door, then broke into a gallop towards Fluttershy's cottage, leaving a very shocked Twilight in her wake.
When Pinkie reached Fluttershy's cottage, she stuck her hoof under the potted rose bush next to Fluttershy's window, retrieving a key. Pinkie put it in her mouth and unlocked the cottage door. Pinkie was unsure what she was doing here, but she felt like... she needed something here.
Out of the corner of her eye, Pinkie saw a pony-shaped figure, but when she turned to look at it, it was gone. Pinkie started to feel some real fear. She needed to get out, but she still needed that... thing... whatever it was.
"H-Hello? Anypony here?" Pinkie called out tentatively. There was a creaking noise, and Pinkie swore that she could here something metal dragging on the wood floor. It was then she noticed a red stain in the corner... one that looked like blood...
Pinkie stifled a scream. She was frozen in absolute fear. Who's blood was it? Was it Fluttershy's? Was Fluttershy ok? Or was it even pony blood? The scarping got neared, and the mare felt a presence right next to her, breathing down her neck. Not daring to look, she raced out of the cottage, towards Ponyville again. Pinkie could hear hooves pounding behind her, and she ran as fast as she could, trying to get away. She didn't look back, and only let herself stop and get a breather once she was in Town Square, surrounded by other ponies. They kept a clear ten feet away, at least, but she was safe.
Pinkie decided that she would go visit AJ, hoping that the sweet and honest farmpony could calm her fears, at least a little bit. As Pinkie slowly walked towards Sweet Apple Acres, the sight of the blood and the sound of metal on wood, the sound of being pursued kept running themselves through her mind, dominating all other thought. That didn't really help her situation.
When Pinkie finally reached AJ's home, she found AJ herself bucking some apple trees nearby. "H-Hey AJ... Could you come here for a second?" She called out in a shaky voice. AJ stopped bucking and trotted over to Pinkie.
"What'ca need, Pinkie? Ah'm kinda busy right now." "A-A-AJ... I went over to Fluttershy's cottage and saw a bloodstain in the corner of her living room and I heard metal scraping on wood and then I ran but somepony chased me and I was so scared and..." Pinkie rambled on, nearly in tears from what she saw and what had happened. AJ realized that her friend was traumatized, and pulled her into a tight hug.
"It'll be ok, Sugar cube. We'll find whoever was in 'Shy's house, and... We'll Ah'm not sure what we'd do, be we'd make sure that that pony could never hurt anypony else, ok, Sugar cube?" Pinkie nodded weakly, and had her head buried in AJ's chest. AJ felt a wetness on her chest fur and realized that Pinkie was crying.
"W-What if the blood... What if it was Fluttershy's? What if Fluttershy is... is..." AJ stroked Pinkie's mane. "Now, Fluttershy is alright, ya hear? When we find that bad pony who's done all this, we'll find Fluttershy, Rarity, Rainbow, and all the other missing ponies, alright?" Pinkie just sobbed louder at the mention of Dashie... Pinkie had tried to push thoughts of Dashie aside so she wouldn't be a sobbing mess all the time, but AJ brought all the memories, all the despair, all the... all the... feelings back.
"AJ... I... I'm never going to smile." This was Pinkie's announcement, after she didn't have anymore tears to cry. AJ stumbled backwards in surprise. "WHAT??? Pinkie Pie, never smile? B-But yar the Element of Laughter!..." Before AJ could continue, Pinkie broke in.
"I won't smile... until I find our friends. If it kills me, I will find our friends. I... I have to go now... I'll... I'll see you later AJ." Pinkie turned tail and ran to Twilight's, leaving AJ confused as to why Pinkie was off in such a hurry. At the speed she went, Pinkie reached Twi's library in twelve minutes. Pinkie burst into the tree, jumping on and hugging a surprised Twilight Sparkle.
"Twi... I'm really sorry about earlier... But... I need to tell you some.. things..." Pinkie launched into the story, wincing when she had to retell the part about Fluttershy's cottage,as Twilight sat wide-eyed, soaking it all in. To Twi, it sounded like a story in a book, something that couldn't be real... including the disappearances. But she knew this wasn't one of Pinkie's fantasies, especially not if AJ believed it, her being the Element of Honesty.
"So... seeing as Applejack already reassured you, why did you... come?" "I wanted to ask... If there was a way we could communicate together, like telepathically. Is there?" Twilight nodded.
"It's not a very hard or complex spell. Do.. Do you want me to cast it on us? If so, why?" "Well... I'm still going to find one of this pony-napper's things, but I don't really wanna repeat Fluttershy's cottage... If we could communicate without me coming back here all the time,then you could help me more efficiently, and if I were in trouble you could teleport me out of where ever I was!"
Twilight nodded slowly, her horn glowing. Pinkie felt like her brain was splitting in half, and she sank to the floor. Just when she couldn't handle it anymore, when she just wanted to die, it stopped.
Pinkie, can you hear me? It's me, Twilight Sparkle. "Why of course I can hear you, silly fil-" Pinkie stopped when she realized that Twi had spoken in her mind. To talk back to me, imagine you're speaking something, but don't actually speak it. Pinkie nodded.
Hello, Twilight. Cupcakes taste yummy. I miss Dashie. My bath soap tastes like cotton candy. Am I doing it? Twilight chuckled, then spoke, "Pinkie, I think you may be a little too open in your thoughts. Pinkie sighed. "Well, I'm going to head home Twi. It is getting pretty late. See you tomorrow."
Pinkie buried her head in her soaked pillows, just willing herself to sleep. She began to sing a little lullaby to herself, just trying to sleep. It didn't work. Pinkie threw off the covers and jumped off the bed. She looked out of her window, just staring at the stars. The beautiful stars, like tiny pieces of ice in the sky...
Awwww, poor Pinkie.
Well I can definitely see some shining talent in here. And onto the critique (since it's your first story):
Break up the paragraphs whenever a new person speaks. Don't make conversations into big block paragraphs, it's easier for readers to understand a new person whenever there is a new line for the speaker.
Also, you might want to change "Pinkie" into something like "pink mare" or "Earth pony" or something else. It says Pinkie 45 times in here, and it's repetitive. It seems like almost every other sentence has her name.
The first person to third person thing was strange, but fine. The problem I see is when (quote) "Pinkie was unsure what she was doing here, but she felt like... she needed something here." and (quote) "AJ brought all the memories, all the despair, all the... all the... feelings back." and more. The ellipses puts in a bit too much of thought and feeling into it, as though it was first person, instead of an all-knowing third person. Without the ellipses the sentence would still have it's emotional punch. A third person would write it flat out, not show an emotional connection with words that aren't talking.
Other than that, this seems like a great idea. Can't wait to read more of this. The only question I have is why they're blaming Pinkie for this. No real explanation for why the most liked pony in Ponyville is suddenly blamed for this. Oh, and great picture for the story.
Criticism:
I've got nothing
Here's what you wrote.
"But Pinkie! If it's evaded even the Princesses for so long, how will you even stand a chance? I could only use that tracking spell if I had one of the pony's possessions, but I don't think it'll let us get that far..." Pinkie's eyes burned with a fierce light. "Don't tell me you've given up already, before we've even started!" Pinkie stomped her hoof. "I won't allow it! How would you feel if Princess Celestia, your adoptive mother, your mentor were taken and hurt because you did nothing?!? Huh? What then?"
Allow me to show you how to fix this.
"But Pinkie! If it's evaded even the Princesses for so long, how will you even stand a chance? I could only use that tracking spell if I had one of the pony's possessions, but I don't think it'll let us get that far..."
Pinkie's eyes burned with a fierce light. "Don't tell me you've given up already, before we've even started!" She stomped her hoof. "I won't allow it! How would you feel if Princess Celestia, your adoptive mother, your mentor were taken and hurt because you did nothing?!? Huh? What then?"
looking forward to some more installments :3,
just as a sort of critique, as 2k LOL said you should start a new line when a new person talks instead of sticking them in one block paragraph,
also the whole story seems a little rushed? i never really got to experience the terror she felt when she was at fluttershy's cottage because in about three lines she was at AJ's,
still, shows promise, so i will track the story :]
258846
Thanks for all the advice, didn't think of breaking the speaking into separate paragraphs, and thanks for all the compliments! I know I don't say why they blame Pinkie just yet, I'll expand on that later. A slight spoiler: it's something Pinkie did in her past, after she was friends with Twilight and the others, but before she and Dashie get together c;
259467
Hmmm.... I thought it was a little rushed also, I'll probably expand on that scene before the next chapter. I wanted to see if anyone thought it was rushed also. I'm going to get to editing right now!
I edited it a bit. Mostly spaced out the paragraphs. Please, please, please reread the Fluttershy's cottage thing. I tried to draw it out a little bit more. ;D
259594 there ya go ;D much better :]
259761
Thanks! Also, thanks for being my very first follower! It means a lot! Although, it did look a little creepy in my notices, saying "Derpyyy is Watching you" XD
260021 you're welcome :p and haha >:]