Apple Bloom and Scootaloo waited for me at the top of our tree house. I dragged myself toward them.
My chest hurt every time I tried to inhale a chunk of air. Shallow breaths were all that I could manage. Anything more than that, and I’d be squirming in pain. Obviously, nothing was broken, but I was still far from fine.
Earlier that day, we had found a mysterious hut in the forest, but that alone hadn’t been worth the sacrifice. My curiosity had made me lean forward because I had thought I’d seen somepony approach the hut. With all three of us clutching onto the same branch, it had snapped under our combined weight.
“At least we found a hut,” Scootaloo broke the silence. “That’s something…”
I sighed. If our adventure had ended without any of us getting a cutie mark, I’d still be a fairly happy filly, but the plunge had really taken a toll on me. Apple Bloom had been lucky and had managed to grab onto the stump of the branch while Scootaloo and I’d fallen through the crown of the tree.
My horn ached at the spot where I'd hit it on the way down, and I still felt pricks all over my body from the thorn-bush I’d landed on.
“I was worried it'd be a bust, but that turned out to be an awesome adventure!” Scootaloo said.
“Maybe for you...” I sighed.
“It would have been even better if we snuck closer to the hut and peeked through the planks. I wonder what went on in there...”
“No!” Apple Bloom exclaimed. “Grown-ups don’t like it if you disturb them when they’re doing stuff. I remember when I walked in on my brother once...”
“What was Big Mac doing?” Scootaloo cocked her head.
“If you don’t know what I mean, I don’t want to talk about it, either.” Apple Bloom’s eyes shied away.
“How in Equestria would I know what you’re talking about if you don’t tell me? You’re not making any sense.”
Usually, I tried to join in every conversation, but I couldn’t even pay attention to the chatter at the time. My mind was preoccupied with replaying the failed mission. When I had recovered from the shock of falling, I’d started hollering and crying like there was no tomorrow. Even after Apple Bloom had climbed down and had, together with Scootaloo, tried to calm me down, I’d still whimpered. Eventually, I had tired of my drama and had stepped out of the bush. That’s when we had decided to just go back to our clubhouse.
I was getting better, but I still wasn’t completely out of the hurt. My scratched red skin, under strands of hair, seemed more blueish each time I looked at it. If it were only that, I could just clench my teeth and work through the pain, but my horn was what really worried me. It pinched whenever I gathered the nerve to move forward, even when I tried to keep my head very still.
After I made a mistake of touching it with a hoof, my whole body jerked from the ache that followed. It also felt loose, but I wasn’t sure if that was actually the case. To check on it yet again, I raised a hoof and tried to wiggle my boney cone. The pain made me so giddy that the whole world seemed loose. I made another mental note not to do that again.
Apple Bloom unstrapped her saddlebag. “I wonder who lives in that hut.”
“Perhaps It’s Zecora’s holiday cottage for get-togethers.” Scootaloo shrugged her shoulders. “Whatever the case, there must have been a wild gathering going on inside since the whole place was shaking. Those zebras sure can party hard.”
“Or maybe there were just two, rocking each other’s world.” Apple Bloom blushed.
“What do you mean?”
“Ya know… Like the animals in the barn…”
“The animals throw parties in the barn?” Scootaloo raised both eyebrows as she looked at her. “What kind of farm are you Apple family running?”
“Oh, never mind!” Her gaze shied away. “The next time I see Zecora, I’ll ask her if she met somepony she likes. Who knows? Maybe she’s not that stiff, after all.”
I decided to quit feeling out myself. At that point, I understood the meaning of the phrase ‘bad kind of touch’. I really should have kept my forehoof on the ground where it belonged. Besides, my friends were already waiting for me at the entrance of our clubhouse. I clenched my teeth and limped toward the top of the ramp.
Apple Bloom turned to me and pointed a hoof at the big bruise on my torso. “Does it still hurt?”
I stopped in my tracks before I came within the reach of the yellow hoof. I knew she wasn’t going to touch my scratch, but the mere thought of something getting near it frightened me. Still, I wouldn’t let my bad condition get between my friend and me.
I tried nodding at her, but the pain in the base of my horn forced me to stop.
“And your horn, is it alright?” Apple Bloom pointed a foreleg to it.
I sucked some air through my teeth. After tensing my muscles, I very slowly turned my head left and right. If I were to nod at her, she could think that I was getting better, but I wasn’t even okay enough to do a proper shake. I wanted the pain to stop! Sure, the horn hurt less and less since I’d scraped it on a branch, but I still felt the blunt thumps at all times, even when I wasn’t moving it.
“Can you still use magic?” Apple Bloom asked.
“I don’t know. Just thinking about it hurts.” The edges of my mouth drifted down. “What if I’ll never be able to use magic again?”
“Hug?” she asked.
I felt a smile forming on my lips. “Yes, please!”
With her muzzle, Apple Bloom brushed through my mane and lay her head on the back of my neck. She reached out to embrace me.
I lifted a forehoof and softly rubbed on her foreleg while snuggling with my head against her mane.
When she moved closer, the hair of her coat lightly touched my scratched skin. The pain rushed through my body, but I clenched my teeth and kept my yelping at bay. Hugs are important and shouldn’t be interrupted, no matter what!
Despite some extra pain, Apple Bloom’s comforting embrace made me feel a little better. I didn’t have an urge to cry anymore, even though I had every right to let out my tears. It’s okay to cry when you’re hurt as bad as I was.
“It’s probably just a scratch.” Scootaloo downplayed my agony. “It’ll heal up in no time. You won’t even see it after a few days.” She walked into our tree house.
I nuzzled against Apple Bloom’s cheek while I slowly pulled back. I stepped with all four hooves on the planks of the balcony. “Thank you, Apple Bloom.” I smiled at her.
She returned the smile and hinted at the entrance.
Scootaloo pruned her wings inside. “What about my horn?”
“What about it? You just bumped it a little on a branch. I’m sure it’ll be fine.” Scootaloo looked away and waved a wing at me in disregard.
Apple Bloom joined her inside.
“Can you please look at it.” I walked to Scootaloo and slowly bowed my head before her.
Scootaloo sighed. “You’re such a pussycat.”
I ignored her name calling and persisted, “Is it still whole?”
“Yes, Sweetie Belle, it’s perfectly—wait!” Scootaloo leaned closer and gasped.
“What is it?” I cried out, “Tell me!”
“Well, there’s a crack on the back of it”—Scootaloo waved a hoof up and down above her head—“but that could have been there since before.”
“A crack?” I gasped and limped to Apple Bloom. “Is there a crack?”
She bit her lower lip and leaned in.
I knelt before her.
“What? You don’t believe me?” Scootaloo stood on her hind legs and placed both forehooves firmly on her hips. “Why’d you even ask me about it then?”
“There really is a crack, Sweetie Belle.” Apple Bloom said. “But it’s super small. You couldn’t even see it from a distance.”
Scootaloo laid down near the podium and sighed.
Things were wrong, and I didn’t think slacking was the right way to fix them. The pain in my horn was the wrongest, and I wanted it gone! “It really hurts when I jerk it.” I poked at it and yelped in pain.
“Well, stop playing with it then,” she said without even glancing at me.
I pressed down my foreleg with the other to prevent myself from poking at my horn. My voice cracked when I tried to raise it. “What if it’s something serious?”
Apple Bloom put a hoof on my shoulder. “Injuries heal themselves. It’s just something that they do. And even if they wouldn’t, you could always ask Zecora for help. See?” She tapped on her front tooth with a hoof. “I drank that pink potion of hers after I chipped off my tooth, and suddenly it was as good as new.”
“Oh, I hope you’re right.” I sighed and looked out the window. Not even half of the day had passed, and my mind drifted off as if it was already bedtime. All four legs pulled me down more than they held me up. Either that or maybe there was something wrong with the gravity. I wouldn’t be surprised at the latter since Twilight told me that, given time, even the smallest of events can shatter a universe.
Apple Bloom sat down within the circle that marked our special thinking spot.
I didn’t feel like relaxing. My heart kept pounding as if it wanted to burst out. I intentionally kept my muscles tensed and at the ready. It helped my mind focus on something other than hurting.
Apple Bloom leaned her chin on a hoof while Scootaloo kept herself busy by observing the ceiling. The silence got uncomfortable. Self-pity was taking over me again. They must have already been tired of my whining. I sure was. Everything was wrong and I wanted it fixed, yet we just stood in the middle of our clubhouse, doing nothing. There wasn’t much to say. We failed. Again.
Snorting, I looked at them. “I think we're doing it wrong.”
“Doing what wrong, Sweetie Belle?” Apple Bloom stood up.
I slowly turned back to her. “The crusading.”
Scootaloo rolled over. “What makes you say that?” After some flapping with both wings, she scrambled on all four legs.
I wasn’t sure how to put it into words. “Our ideas. They are wrong, somehow.”
Scootaloo walked around our thinking spot, looking up at the lamp above it. “Is this thing busted again?” After standing up on her hind legs and pulling the string with her mouth, she turned the light on and off repeatedly.
I looked to the side so I wouldn’t get dizzy from looking at the flashing light. “We’re doing everything we can think of, but nothing works. Everypony else in our class already got theirs and most of them weren’t even trying to get it.”
“Maybe they were just luckier,” Apple Bloom said.
I sighed. “If Twilight can be trusted—and I do trust her because she’s smart sometimes—we should already have them.” I slowly tilted my head and glanced back at my blank flank. “Ugh!” I spoke toward the floor. “Why did she and Stalin Glimmer have to mess with this universe?”
“Her name is Starlight Glimmer, and please don’t tell me you believe that mumbo jumbo about time travel.” Scootaloo snickered without taking her eyes of the flickering light.
I gazed at one of the floorboards, which was a bit raised compared to the neighboring planks. I thumped on it with a forehoof, and it slid back into place.
Scootaloo stopped playing with the lamp and dropped down on all four hooves.
Apple Bloom’s eyes fluttered open when she turned to me.
“It doesn’t even matter if that’s true or not,” I said. “If we want to get our cutie marks, we need to follow an actual plan.”
“Do you have one?” Scootaloo asked.
“Well, sort of...” I’d usually just gone along with their ideas, but the last attempt had turned out really bad for me. My coat was muddy and dirty. With all the scratches, I looked as if I had been clawed by my sister’s cat Opalescence. There had to be a better way of getting cutie marks—a less painful one.
“Let’s hear your plan, then.” Apple Bloom leaned toward me.
“Our plan should be to find a plan instead of just doing the first thing that one of us thinks of,” I replied. Even if that wouldn’t work, it might, at least, keep us away from any potential hurt for some time.
“And how do you plan to find a plan?” Scootaloo glanced at the lamp again.
“I don’t know.” My train of thought didn’t go that far. All I had was a hint of an idea. I lifted the hoof that held my suggestion, so it would be harder for them to ignore it. “That’s why we should ask somepony.”
“We’ve already done that.” Scootaloo waved with a wing in disregard, almost blowing away my good suggestion. “We’ve asked Applejack, and Fluttershy, and…”
“They didn’t tell us anything useful.” Apple Bloom summed up Scootaloo's point before she finished making it.
Ignoring Apple Bloom’s interruption, Scootaloo kept talking, “… and, Rarity, and even the awesome Rainbow Dash.”
She sat down and looked up at the picture of her heroine posing in a blue furtight bodysuit. Her eyes shivered with pure adoration.
“I know, but what if we asked the wrong ponies?” That didn’t come out the way I thought it would.
Scootaloo jumped up as her purple eyes pierced me. “Rainbow Dash is not a wrong pony!”
“What I meant was, they weren’t even trying to get their cutie marks. What if they all just got lucky somehow? Maybe we should ask more ponies how they got theirs, instead of just trying to force our cutie marks all the time. If we couldn’t make them appear until now, it means we’re not doing it right.”
She faced away from me, ignoring everything I said. Her wing softly brushed across the framed picture on the wall. “You’re not a wrong pony, Rainbow Dash. You’re not.”
Maybe I was the wrong pony for not having wings like the Wonderbolt in the picture and her faithful fanfilly. Sighing, I glanced at Scootaloo’s feathery limbs. Not all of us could use those to slow down our falls. Some of us weren’t given that privilege. I didn’t really mind being a mere Unicorn most of the time, but when it came to falling from great heights, Scootaloo held an advantage over me. Despite not having much more than the primaries, she could glide just fine.
I turned to Apple Bloom and opened my mouth to get her attention. The idea was already somewhere in my mind, but to hear what it was, I had to voice it first. “We should find somepony who tried something that worked. After that, we could try their method, and we might end up with our marks. Couldn't hurt more than what we did today.” My eyes shifted from one friend to another as I smiled with open mouth. What I just said almost sounded as if it made some sense.
That plan seemed a lot safer, and I felt pretty sure it wouldn’t end up in aches, pain, and scratches, as was the case with that day’s crusade. Not to mention all the tree sap, pine needles, and leaves. I liked getting dirty just as much as the next foal, but getting covered with muck on a daily basis becomes old after a while.
“I’ll make a list of ponies to interview.” Apple Bloom stood up and slid closer an inkwell, quill, and several sheets of paper with her agile hooves.
In our clubhouse, we always kept writing equipment at the ready. If we ever had a brainstorm of ideas, we could write them all down before we forgot them.
“So, Sweetie Belle, who do you want to talk to?” She picked up a quill with her snout, dunked it in ink, and leaned over the paper.
Think big if you want to make it big. That’s what my big sis Rarity had often told me. I knew exactly what she meant by that because I did, indeed, want a big cutie mark on my flank. “We interview everypony!” I announced.
Apple Bloom's quill zigzagged from her open mouth through the air to the paper lying on the floor. Scootaloo gazed at me with raised eyebrows. She then cocked her head and cleaned an ear with a hoof.
“Every-pony?” Apple Bloom asked.
I stretched my neck up and down to imitate a nod. My horn only slightly hurt when I moved it that way.
“But that will take us forever!” Scootaloo waved both forelegs at me. “And most of the grown-ups aren’t nearly as cool as Rainbow Dash. What if I get bored?” She gasped in shock and horror after saying that last dirty word. Her body violently shook in response to the potential terror of dullness.
“It won't take forever if we get right to it!” I exclaimed.
Apple Bloom nodded.
“Fine,” sighed Scootaloo.
My lips almost formed a smile. Things were finally going my way. Stopping the crusading at that point would just make me feel sorry for myself for the rest of the day. Staying active, on the other hoof, would distract me from the hornache.
I wedged a spiral bound notebook, several quills, and two sealed inkwells into my saddlebag. I used my hooves and didn’t even attempt to cast levitation which Princess of Friendship had taught me during Twilight time sessions. It was harder that way, but at least it wasn’t as painful as charging my damaged horn could be.
Apple Bloom picked up her quill and notebook then placed them in her saddlebag along with a sealed inkwell.
Scootaloo slowly walked to our stash of writing equipment. Most of the items were leftovers from our journalism days. Just when she was about to pick up a quill, she stopped and spun around. Her saddlebag flew across the clubhouse and crashed in the farthest corner.
Apple Bloom and I raised our eyebrows as we gazed at her.
“What? I'm sure I'll remember if they say anything important.” She said with a defensive voice as if taking notes was something that only the uncool ponies did.
I turned forward and stepped out of our clubhouse. The warm spring breeze, heavy with the scent of flowers and hay, blew through my mane. Sunbeams reflected from my few patches of coat that were still fairly clean. I felt like an adventurer about to set off on a quest for exotic cultures and wondrous discoveries. Unlike with our recent hazardous mission, I felt completely safe with my latest project. I smiled and turned back to them. “Come on. Let’s do something right for a change.” Limping, I descended down the ramp.
When I reached the ground, Scootaloo gently jabbed me in a fairly healthy spot of my torso. “Sweetie Belle, where do you want to start?”
To gain some safe space, I took a step away from her. “We should storm the ponies at the edge of Ponyville and work our way through it until we get to Friendship Rainbow Kingdom Castle,” I suggested.
Scootalo snickered. “That name still gets me. Bet I coulda come up with a dozen cooler names without even trying.”
“Oh yeah?” Apple Bloom grinned. “Prove it.”
“Um… I don't wanna. They'd be too cool and Twilight would have to rename the crystal castle. After that, she’d also have to reprint all the tourist brochures and throw away the old ones. It's not worth it."
“I actually kind of like the name Rainbow Kingdom Friendship Castle.” Apple Bloom said.
“Whatever. Let’s go to the center of Ponyville where most of the ponies are,” Scootaloo countered my suggestion.
“My way will make it easier to keep track of the ponies we’ve already interviewed,” I explained as a mischievous smile snuck upon my face. “Unless you want to interview the same ponies over and over again?”
Scootaloo gave me a blank stare. “Ugh!” She shook her head. “Um, no thanks!” She turned to Apple Bloom. “Do you think we should bring some snacks with us?”
Apple Bloom's stomach grumbled.
I gave her a smug smile and turned to Scootaloo while I pointed a foreleg at Apple Bloom’s tummy. “I think that was a yes!”
Scootaloo walked back up the ramp.
I turned to Apple Bloom.
She blushed a little.
“Hug?” I asked.
She nodded and smiled.
I reached out to her with both forehooves and embraced her.
Scootaloo looked back from the top of the ramp and sighed. “Can you two stop hugging each other all the time, please! It’s getting old...”
Like it so far yet sometimes I' confused as to who's speaking at times.
4133156 Thank you for that. I will go over 'Stop the hurt' chapter again and see if I can add more dialogue said tags.
Edit: Fixed.
Edit: I do this first comment of the story thingy on all of my stories, so I'm doing it here as well:
Comment section minigames for the first chapter of the story Darkness in Sweetie Belle (anypony can play them in the comment section of this story).
Comment section minigames for the first chapter of the story Darkness in Sweetie Belle (anypony can play them in the comment section of this story).
GAME 1
Does this story remind you of a song that you know? If yes, post it in the comments in the following format:
- Chapter of the story that this song is relevant to.
- A link or embedded Youtube video of it.
- Percentage of correlation (0% being an unrelated song, 100% being a song written exactly for this story).
- Reason why this song reminded you of this story or the excerpt of the lyrics.
Music for reading:
Scary Kids Scaring Kids - Song for broken hearts — Correlation 50%
my limbs go numb — as my colors fade out
GAME 2
Record yourself reading this story aloud. Upload your mp3 to MLP: Audiobooks, for instance, and paste the link to your audio or video in the comments.
Reward: A spot in the author’s note of this story.
Edit: The winner is Deity of a Shadow with his Dramatic Youtube reading.
4268738 I failed to see these problems when I was editing. Thank you for pointing them out for me. I'll see what I can do about them.
As to the change of subject I am curious where as to where you detected it. The only change of subject was supposed to be between prologue and first chapter.
Besides the spirits, there is only one more character in the prologue. It's not Sweetie Belle and it isn't Zecora. It's just another zebra (in later chapter she would be established as Xerath). I was conscious to naming my OC in prologue, so I just had her described as zebra witch. I see that that might have been a mistake from my part. Perhaps if I name her in the prologue that would prevent any confusion as to who she is. Maybe that will fix the seemingly changing subject as well. I'll ponder about this some more.
4271712 yeah, I noticed it's a zebra after posting the comment, but for some reason safari kept crashing if I tried to edit comment or post another one.
As for the paragraphs, I just feel it's very annoying if you're trying to read but for some reason there are paragraphs everywhere.
And the change of subject can be pretty much whatever, as long as it's different from before
4272776 Oh, I think I get what you mean by paragraphs now. So, if I understand you correctly, it would be better if the following text is in one paragraph like this:
Edit: I fixed the paragraphs. They now clearly show a change of subject or a pause at which the spirits talk to her.
4273244 pretty much spot on.
one more thing that just feels weird...all the times in the show, zebras(Zecora) never talk so much as you write here... it's just weird to see rhyme in every sentence, even if the zebra does talk like this(i think,as Zecora usually tells a single sentence then waits for a response), you should(I think) at least add some lines of the spirits, because at the moment i ain't getting the full picture
Otherwise, intriguing story.
Oh right, forgot to tell you...
fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2014/112/1/8/mylibrary_approved_by_timotej1999-d7fkbjx.jpg You earned it
4273244 This story is approved by Black-light's Library!
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4292803 Thank you for your feedback. I really appreciate it.
I've been writing this fic for almost a year now. At first I wasn't even sure if I could do all the rhyming, but then I found Rhymezone that helped me with crafting verses.
I've skimmed over the text and saw that, indeed, there's quite many sentences starting with 'She'. I assume this is what you meant. I'll try rearranging some sentences. Throwing in some 'zebra' and 'Xerath' might also alleviate the repetition a bit.
I'll also try smoothing out the sentences and make them flow more naturally. I'm a bit limited in this area, however, since English isn’t my primary language. I'll do my best regardless.
I used NaturalReader for my re-reading purposes, but will implement your suggestion from now on as well.
Edit: I ran over this chapter several times (out loud) and fixed what I could find. There are far less 'she's now and I also fixed some ryhmes that were a bit off.
Also, thank you for recomending a cookie for this fic, I'm glad you found this story enjoyable.
I am really enjoying this story, can't believe that I forgot to fave it!
But let's get to feedback, like you've been asking for.
Positive points:
You obviously have been checking over it this time, as I see no spelling errors or grammar that needs to be fixed at all!
You managed to get the personalities of all of the CMC just right, though I think Sweetie Belle would be more of the type that would say that she was ok, be asked not to lie, then admit she's hurting all over, but that's really just my point of view; we've never seen her in that state on the show before.
You've not given them a new thing to try out, but a new idea, different from the usual things people write about the CMC, and I like it!
Negative points:
You start your sentences frequently with 'I'. It tends to happen in first person, don't worry. So I recommend you to either read through the story out loud and try to replace any extra 'I's with other sentence starters, or simply use Ctrl 'h' to find all of the 'I's in your document. That is, if you don't write it on FiMFiction.
Thank you for reading,
~ Raven
4298042 Thank you for your feedback.
Editing takes me about 90% of my writing process. Besides rereading multiple times I use various text correction programs. I find it tragic to leave a mistake in a story and then having so many people read it. That’s why I really appreciate the feedback like the one you just gave me.
I will be going through the story again with this specific problem in mind. There has been a complaint in the past, that at some dialogues it wasn’t obvious who was speaking, I may have added some 'I's fixing that problem. If I want that to stay fixed, I can’t really remove any action tags or said tags. I will try to rearrange some sentences, to get rid of some ‘I’s, though. It's probably a bad habit that I've picked up. In first chapters there were also a lot of 'she's before I fixed them.
I must say that you're writing style has me really engaged. I only write in third person, and rarely read first person because it generally is very confusing. Your story however, was not only a treat to read, but was so very easy for me to follow. I love how all the ponies are so in character too. It makes the story itself that much more believable. I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
My downvote stays only because I can't remove it without upvoting. I will add this to my favorites to see if my opinion will change in the future.
4515620 Well, yea.
static3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120403104340/mlp/images/6/6f/Sweetie_Belle_blushing_S2E23.png
Before, she could jerk it as much as she wanted to and it didn't hurt at all, but now it pains her when she does it. Do you think she should stop touching herself?
4515636 Is that sentence the only reason for the downvote? Or is there anything else I can do to improve the story? I'd like to hear all your negative opinions. I'd really like to make this story as good as it can be. I welcome any kind of criticism, it helps me grow.
4515661
I honestly can't tell whether it's intended to be sexual or not. How did Sweetie Belle get that crack on her horn?
img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110817002252/mlp/images/7/7f/Pinkie_Pie_tries_to_look_inside_the_barn_S1E25.png
4515684 The story is explicit about the fact that it's her horn that hurts and not something else (she's also a female, so I'm not exactly sure how this could be interpreted in a sexual manner). So, no, there's nothing sexual about this story. It's Everyone rated and there are no intimate scenes in it.
The story says how she got that crack.
Is there anything else that you think could use improvement in this story? I welcome all negative feedback.
4515722
Well, I thought maybe you were going for erogenous horns.
What the hell is with the prologue? Why is there a character named Zebra?
4515736
I didn't even know that was a thing.
Her name is Xerath actually. Her name appears in the first sentence of the prologue.
I've changed 'zebra' —> 'the zebra' to avoid any potential confusion. Thank you for pointing this out, it didn't even occure to me that it could be interpreted as a name.
Is there anything else I can do to better this story?
4515790
Keep writing.
This is the first time we've had a story in Short Stories--Multiple Chapters that was incomplete. I've previously had to remove one of your stories from Multiple Chapters for massively exceeding the length maximum for one chapter. Will all your future chapters be under 2,500 words?
4516537 Not all of the chapters are fully written yet and those that are might still get some fat in additional editing. Some of the unpublished chapters definitely come just shy of that limit. Perhaps it's best to remove it, as I can't guarantee that I will be able to adhere to that limit. I'd rather be safe than sorry.
4516666 Fair enough. Once it's complete, you can re-add it if it qualifies.
Will this, at some point, show how Sweetie (or the other crusaders) earns her Cutie Mark? Since you added this to the group "I Got My Cutie Mark!", I'm assuming you'll display this at some point, so I shall give you the benefit of the doubt.
Also, to be honest, this doesn't seem like the type of fic I'd enjoy, but so long at it meets the criteria (in the future, which is why I'll keep reading), I'll keep it in the group.
mlblogsbaseballsnatcher.files.wordpress.com/2008/09/watching20you.png
4517681 What are the elements of this story that you think you wouldn't enjoy? Why is this not your cup of tee?
The chapters where Sweetie Belle gets her cutie mark are already written, they just aren't published yet because I need to polish them some more.
4519474
Well, to be honest, the first thing is that I usually don't enjoy OCs. Don't get me wrong, though, as they can be done right, and are even necessary at times (e.g. Fallout Equestria, Turnabout Storm, etc.), I just don't usually like stories that introduce us to them right off the bat, with some exceptions (Fallout Equestia & Equestria Legends Online come to mind, though both focus on OCs and don't have much to do with the canon characters), though my opinion of Xerath and the spirits may change later on, once I learn more about them. The second thing is that I don't like first-person type of stories, though I don't hate them and they can be negligible if the story itself is good, though I haven't seen enough of the story to make an honest judgement of that. I want to read about Sweetie Belle, not read as if I was Sweetie Belle. Also, while I'm not an expert when it comes to things like tone, flow, or pacing, I feel that this story is somewhat awkward. I can't quite explain why it feels that way to me, so I'm sorry for not being able to give better feedback. That said, these are personal opinions, not a professional critique, and they may change in the future.
4520485 Thank you for your feedback. I appreciate it. I agree with all the points you made. I was reluctant to introduce an OC, especially at the start, but it was the only way to set up the right tone and foreshadow the events to come.
As the name suggests, the story will focus mostly on one character. More than that, it will focus on her inner struggle and change. It's awkward to read about something like that in third person.
The tone might feel a bit off because there is a contrast between innocent Sweetie Belle and a darker settings in the background.
All your points were valid. I am, indeed, walking a thin line, and things can turn out badly if I'm not careful. However, considering the things I wanted to accomplish, there really wasn't any way around it. Despite the dangers, I hope to pull it off in the end.
Edit: I've moved the content of this comment down to the first comment of the chapter (4133193) for consistency reasons.
I haven't read it yet, but the description sounds like it might warrant a dark tag... I dunno, up to you.
4595056 I actually used to have a dark tag, but I got comments saying that I can remove the dark tag as it isn't warranted.
There should be a 'Slightly Dark' tag available.
4597268 Personally I think a dark tag on an "everyone" rated story would count as "slightly dark".
4598266 You have a point. Later on, the story will have a bit of a darker atmosphere, but until then, it's mostly just slice of life. When I publish later chapters I will think about adding the dark tag. I might even have to put on a teen rating.
Day XXX: No new chapter. It all feels hopeless now. Or maybe the author is as much of a lazy writer as me.
4751015 I'm very sorry for the delay. It's just that I want to make it perfect.
Also, Season 4 broke this novel on several points and I had to redeem a lot of things.
It's far from hopeless, though. I, hereby, Pinkie promise that this story will be completed. In fact, it already is (almost). I just have to add some snippets here and there, but other than that, all the chapters are already nailed down.
If you or anypony else want this story to see the light of Fimfiction faster then all you have to do is click on the link above (or here) and comment on everything that irks you. Criticism really helps me a lot. Sadly, it's really hard to find people willing to give feedback.
4751358 Have you tried searching for pre-readers there? I have no experience with them, so I can't tell you if they're efficient or not.
4751518 I have actually. The thing is, there are more writers than preorders/editors. The waiting times are enormous. Also, by hiring an editor, I would be denying some other author of that editor.
Instead, I let anypony preread my unpublished stories. The more, the merrier. Though, I rarely see any comments in my Google Docs.
In the worst case scenario, I should be able to edit this story by myself. It might take some time, though. Editing usually represents more than 90% of my writing process.
4751674 The story is coming together nicely, one bit of advice. Some of the words were spelled wrong. nothing more i noticed was wrong. I WOULD ask if i could be of help but... i do kinda have to read all 43 stories on BackGroundia by the end of september...
4913099 Were you referring to the words in prologue and the first chapter or the unpublished chapters that still need some polishing?
Either way, I'm glad you think it has potential. I hope that I'll be able to deliver.
4919100 i meant the story in general XD the prologue and first chapter have a few spelling errors. nothing crazy.
5469139 That was my bad, actually. Before, I just called her zebra. I didn't want to start a novel with an OC name.
4268738's comment prompted me to have the OC name in the very first sentence to avoid confusion.
When I write, some things make perfect sense to me, and I'm oblivious to the potential confusions. That is why getting feedback is so important to me.
Thank you for contributing this story to Dark Of The Night!
Now that it has been a year, would you mind posting the rest of the story to this site?
5739421
I'm sorry. I wish I was a faster writer. I have like 100k words written, but all the 42 chapters still need a lot more love from me. This novel will be made complete. I promise. It may take me a little while more, though. I've put my other 12 writing projects on hiatus this week. I only have this and another novel on my plate now. I hope to incorporate season 5 MLP also, so I'll have to wait for that to conclude. I hope I could provide it faster, but I just can't. I can write very fast, but making it decent is what takes me most of the time. The best I can do now is link you to my Google Doc. The first 10 or so chapters are already fully complete. Not perfect enough for publishing yet, though.
Finished reviewing for the goodfic bin. Since it hasn't really gotten past the first act, and there are some weird elements of phrasing in there, I'm rejecting it from the folder. That said, I did enjoy the prologue, so I would quite enjoy it if you kept on writing and maybe gave me a call if it gets reviewed.
Details are here.
5780997 Thank you for your review.
Just finished and I got to say: For the first chapter, for a slight moment, I almost thought of Zecora but realized otherwise. The rhyming was pretty good, certainly better than I could do. For the second chapter: I like how Sweetie Belle made sense of how the crusaders didn't really have a plan of action: they can't force their cutie mark, but could at least make a plan of what they're good at and that could maybe do it for them.
...That was actually a good idea she had instead of bungee jumping or being carpenters. In all, a good story so far, so it gets a favorite and gets added to my library, now on the rest!
Yay! This story received a review.
You have been reviewed: http://www.fimfiction.net/group/204912/story-standards/thread/296510/darkness-in-sweetie-belle-rejected
7826099 Yay, Another review!
8003416 Thank you. I made changes to the story due to your review.