My name is Jordan and I am an artist, I really just made this account cos I wanted to write out a fanfic or two that are in my mind.
My life used to be so normal... but it's not like I enjoyed the normality anyway...
This is a story about my gains and my losses, what happened to me and a fraction of the population of the world.
My hello's and good bye's.
Leaving my past behind.
An adventure.
I am not the best author so please bare with me.
Page generated in 0.069 seconds
Total duration
807 users online
1,352,234 hits today, 2,151,698 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
This fan fic looks fairly interesting. The tenses seem to be incosistent though, flipping from past to present tense at random, plus some few capitalization oddities and punctuation errors are strewn about as well.
I am sitting in the nurses office, my stomach didn't feel right after eating my schools poorly made cafeteria food. Listening to the gossip coming from the Nurse's Aids while glancing at the television.
Here's a quick fix I did to the referred section.
I was sitting in the nurse's office, listening to the gossip coming from the nurses' aides and glancing at the television as I suffered of a stomach pain after eating my school's poorly made cafeteria food.
I suggest you find yourself a pre-reader (a position I'm sadly not qualified for) to help you smooth out this fan fic.
Anyhow, the premise sounds quite fascinating and unique, so I will track this regardless with hopes of seeing improvements in grammar and storytelling.
Most notably, I find it very hard to believe that the main character has to attend school despite his distressful predicament. Yes, he is not ill, but he has become an entirely different species, and a filly no less. I'd think that be such a traumatic experience that he'd have to recuperate at home. However, if you insist on sending the main character to his school, I really hope you have a very good explanation that doesn't smell like a contrived excuse to put him through stressful situation among his schoolmates.
P.S. You might want to read my fan fic. It shares a peculiar similarity with yours
254028
Thanks a bunch I will get to work on fixing it later in the day.
I WEILD THE ALMIGHTY SCYTHE OF FIRST
th05.deviantart.net/fs24/150/f/2007/322/b/5/Posessed_scythe_color_1_by_Windstorm1.jpg
Extremely good description, it's easy to imagine yourself in his shoes, you deserve a clap
images.wikia.com/glee/images/a/a7/CLAP.gif
254012 what? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
254105 okay, your therapist told you this would stop happening? HE LIED!!!!!!! IT WILL NEVER STOP!!!!!! okay, i LMFAO at your comment "Please don't tell us what's extruding from your rear"
very well - placed funny 
Still a really fun read so far. Although I thought the Mom's dialogue came off as a little too expository but it's a necessary evil.
254925
I decided to wait until later for my mothers speach, I scrapped it for later.
Looks a lot better now
. Still, I highly recommend you get yourself a pre-reader.
255321
Will do, thanks a lot for helping me with this.
I've had this open for about an hour now.
And every time I've glanced at the tab I think "My life is Vietnam" and get confused for about a minute before I figure it out.
Just thought you ought to know.
255142
) I suggest getting some reviews over at ponychan in their /fic/ board with a google doc before posting on Fim. You'd be amazed how much that helps.
Much better read. There's still some grammar issues here and there (Damn the comma and all its relatives
255327
You're welcome!
FIRST and, bad luck
263451
If you think this is bad luck just wait for the next chapter. It's about to get hella sad ;)
"a roll of the dice is all it takes and i'll turn out as the first place"
okay, so sob sorry, boo hoo, but with bad luck comes good, so i'm expecting things to turn around next chapter
264263
Possibly.
Sorry but I find Steven's reaction completely unnatural. Up until now there were some minor issues in your grammar (there's a lot of periods where question marks should be, thoughts should be italicized to stand out more from descriptive text... yadda yadda I know I'm a grammar nazi) but when a story element becomes a big issue that's when I feel I must say something.
I feel you are making humans too evil. I feel that in a human turned pony story you must must keep human morality in the grey. Why? Because you are telling a story of a person becoming a pony. If you write humans as absolutely evil, yet your protagonist seems like a pretty normal person, readers will be taken out of the story. Steven was shown as an absolute monster, not someone anyone would ever want to be friends with. So when you say he's the protagonist's best friend, yet he doesn't even show any concern for him, readers will be taken out of the story.
You must strive to find the balance between those who fear ponies and those who are sympathetic to them (like whoever left the bread out for Jordan. That was good it showed that there were some people who did know that what Jordan and others are going through must be terrible). It adds complexity and depth to your story.
I highly suggest you read The Pre-Readers Omnibus It really helped me out with my stuff.
You have good potential in this idea of a pony virus but you need to hammer out your writing first. Hope this doesn't discourage you.
265132
. Steven didn't recognize Jordan at all, he was a completely different being. I need to write steven in as the kind of guy who doesn't take to kindly to liars and people pretending to be someone. You can't say you would be suspicious or a little angry when someone comes to your door claiming to be someone you are close with when they might now be that person.
Of course I am scared of these kinds of critiques but it helps me a lot lol.
Alright I will definitely go back and make sure the readers understand why steven acted like he did. Of course him dropping a can of beer should of been a big hint
I will check out the link you posted and go back and fix some things in a bit, I have been changing it a lot every so often. Thanks to these critiques of course
.
And in the point of view of my character humans seem so evil because his thought patterns are changing and his human nature is fading away. leaving him more sensitive and kind. But I guess I did come on a little strong.
Scoots, mah main pony! You're gettin' better! This chapter was more attention grabbing than the others, and seemed to flow better overall. Still room for improvement, but this is good man. Can't wait for more.
Also, I actually know quite a few people that act just like Steven. Maybe it's just because I live in Maine, a.k.a. Redneck central, but his reaction seemed realistic to me.
276560
Haha yeah, I based him off of some of the kids in my school. The jump to conclusion of beating yo' ass kind of guy.