• Published 24th Aug 2013
  • 5,258 Views, 147 Comments

The Epic Quest to Mount Button's Mum - Ficta_Scriptor



NO INCEST! ~~ Button needs some ponies to help with his new co-op game, but nopony seems interested. That is, until his Mum shows up at school. Now, it seems all sorts of ponies want to stay over...

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Chapter 1 - Insert Bit

Chapter 1 – Insert Bit

“Button, did we really need to get here this late? It’s not even open yet.”

“But you don’t understand!” Button exclaimed. “It is my duty as a hardcore gamer to acquire each and every top-tier game the very minute it releases. Do you want me to be a deprived little foal getting scuffed, pre-owned game boxes with bite marks in the manuals for the rest of my life? Do you want your hard earned bits going to the manager’s pocket instead of the developers themselves? Do you!?”

Milano sighed, wiping drearily at her bloodshot eyes. “We could have just as eaily gotten it tomorrow after school.”

“And miss the chance to rub it in all my friends’ faces? Never! We’re talking midnight release! Anyway, who knows how many ponies will show up? I bet we see a queue stretch all the way to Canterlot!”

Button continued bouncing excitedly in front of the game shop window, constantly muttering to himself about how awesome the new game was going to be. As the minutes passed, not a single other pony joined the ‘queue’. Lights all around Ponyville switched off as the citizens drifted into the land of nod, a place Milano almost reached if it wasn’t for her son shaking her wildly as a spotty unicorn store clerk approached the door at the speed of a turtle swimming through treacle. He levitated a key to door and opened the latch, just as Button leapt through, sending the unicorn toppling to the floor.

“Where is it? Where is it!?” Button jabbered as he made a full circuit of the store, peering through display cases and scouring each shelf. “I checked the release date about a million times! It has to be here!”

“Is this the game you’re looking for?” the store clerk asked droningly, holding up a copy of Medal of Duty: Equine Warfare.

“Of course not!” Button shot back. “That series is for chumps and noobs! Not to mention the maps get worse with every game!” He continued searching for another minute or so, finally leaping up with glee while clutching a game case. “I found it! I found it!”

“Then let’s get this over with,” Milano muttered, letting out a yawn. “I need sleep in like, an hour ago.”

Moving like stoned molasses, the store clerk bumbled behind the desk. “Do you have any games you wish to trade in?”

“No!” Button quipped, tapping his hoof impatiently against the floor. “I just want to buy it!”

“Alright, sir. Do you wish to place any pre-orders for upcoming games?”

“No! I don’t!”

The store clerk nonchalantly scratched his chin, flicking a lump of congealed brie onto the floor. “Are you aware that there is a steelbook edition of this game with unlock codes for extra costumes?”

“I don’t care about the extra costumes!” Button blared. “I just want the game!”

“Or how about the enhanced edition? It comes with a soundtrack CD and artbook.”

No! I don’t want any of that!”

“And are you aware that by buying the strategy guide with the game you can save three bits?”

Button clenched his teeth together and stomped on the ground, his eyes glowing red. “I just want… To play… The game…” he seethed.

“I understand,” the unicorn replied in consistent monotone. “Would you like to apply for a loyalty ca—“

“Just give him the damn game!” Milano yelled, banging a hoof against the desk and sending hundreds of novelty key-rings (that no sane pony would ever buy) into the air. “Do it! Or I’ll killstreak your whole damn family right in front of your eyes! And tea-bag them!”

Trembling, and trying to hide the trail of urine now pooling onto the floor, the stallion complied, processing the transaction in complete silence.

“Thank you very much for your assistance,” Milano chimed in the sweetest of voices. “Now let’s go home, Button. And remember, just half an hour of play-time and then it’s off to sleep. Understood?”

“Just half an hour of sleep. Got it!” Button said as he gazed over the game’s front cover. Super Obscure Japonies RPG: Four Spears Adventures. Just below the title were the words: The fun has been quadrupled! – Princess Luna. Button could hardly wait. This was the game he’d been waiting his entire life for, even if he didn’t know it had existed until five months ago. He stroked the casing, its smooth, plastic cover like rose-scented silk to his awestruck little mind. “This is going to be the best game ever…”


“Now that’s no fair!” Button threw his controller down as the elusive ‘game over’ screen reared its beautifully-rendered head for the fifth time that night. “I was doing great until my AI buddy messed it up! Who uses a shuriken at close range? Nopony! It’s stupid!”

“Time to go to sleep, hun,” Milano mumbled, pausing momentarily for a yawn that never surfaced. “I’m not having you stay up all night again.”

“Sure, whatever,” Button sulked, flicking the power button and plodding to his bed. “It’s a stupid game, anyway. I don’t get why it got a ten-out-of-ten from Eye-Gee-Enn!”

Too tired to even argue against her son’s rudeness in bad-mouthing a game she paid for as a treat, Milano simply shook her head and turned out the light, thankful to finally get some rest of her own. She was never taking Button to another midnight release; that was for sure.

Left to his own devices, Button kept grumbling under his breath. He couldn’t understand it. Four Spears was supposed to be game of the year, every year. What had gone wrong? For a game that relied on AI controlled companions so much, surely more effort could have been put into making it work. This was Resident Pony 5 all over again! Granted, that game was a lot more fun when his brother – Sour Mash – had joined in.

“I just need to find three more ponies,” he muttered under his breath. He could try getting his family to play, but there were some problems with that. Firstly, his Dad was pretty much a no-show. Secondly, his Mum was always too busy doing whatever it was that Mums did. Cooking? Cleaning? Buying shoes? As for Sour Mash, he refused to play games without blood and guns for fear of catching ‘the gay.’ So what then? Button concluded that he had no other choice but to ask some ponies at school. Who could possibly say no to that?


The next day

“Puh-lease, Sweetie Belle!” Button whined. “I’ll even let you be player one!”

“Sorry Button,” Sweetie Belle said with a shrug. “Me and the girls are off crusading again after school. We’re gonna get our cutie-marks in drug peddling!”

“Fine!” Button seethed, trudging off to the other side of the playground. “You suck at games anyway!” He plodded up to Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, who were setting fire to bank notes in front of the poor foals and laughing. “How about you two? Wanna come over after school and play Four Spears Adventures?”

“Beat it!” Diamond Tiara snapped, shooing him away with her hoof. “Nopony wants to play your stupid videogames.”

“Snips? Snails? How about you two?” Button asked.

“Nah,” the two colts answered, seeming completely disinterested.

Button threw his hooves up in frustration and plodded along to one of the picnic benches. “I’ve asked everypony in my class,” he muttered under his breath. “Am I doomed to be surrounded by casuals my entire life?” With nothing better to do, Button opened up his satchel and began rooting around for his Game Colt. However, he didn’t have to root around for long as his school-bag was curiously empty. Something was missing…

“My lunchbox!” Button cried, a well-timed growl coming from his stomach. “Now I’m gonna starve to death! Could this day get any worse!?”

At the other end of the schoolyard, Rumble and Featherweight were attempting a world-record for juggling, despite not knowing what the world-record was.

Three balls?” Rumble exclaimed. “Woah! Slow down, Featherweight! You’re talking crazy!”

“Three balls has to be possible,” Featherweight said determinedly. He glared at the three spherical bean pouches cradled in his hooves, as if trying to psyche them out into doing his bidding.

“Two bits says you can’t do it!” Rumble challenged, holding out a hoof with a sadistic grin. Featherweight scowled, which only seemed to fuel Rumble’s glee. “Come on, buddy. I’m sure you can juggle them just fine. It’d be an easy two bits to make…”

“Okay!” Featherweight conceded, shaking the colt’s hoof and steeling himself. He took a deep breath and tossed two of the balls into the air. With the utmost dexterity and precision, he caught one of them and tossed the remaining ball up, then did so again. This is easy, he thought to himself, wondering for a moment what otherworldy things he could possibly buy for two whole bits.

Just as he was certain that he had this bet in the bag, he noticed a pony wander just outside the fence. A mare, to be exact. The hairs on the back of his neck prickled up as she approached, her flank contracting with each step and accentuating her supple hind legs. Her beautiful, mahogany-shaded mane flowed behind her in the wind like a sexy flag. He could almost taste the soft, caramel-coloured fur covering her body. She was heavenly…

She would just pass them by, of course. No reason for such a pretty mare to hang around by a school. Maybe she’d gotten lost? With one last cheeky glance at the mare’s exposed plot, Featherweight returned his attention to juggling. This held him for about a split second before the mare opened up the school gate and wandered inside, flashing him a cheerful smile.

Featherweight’s balls dropped.

“Ha! You owe me two bits!” Rumble teased, holding out his hoof for payment. When Featherweight didn’t respond he moved his hoof closer and cleared his throat. “Sometime this century would be nice! Uh… Featherweight?”

“Uh-huh. Sure,” Featherweight replied between shallow breaths, wishing upon every star in Luna’s night sky for a glimpse between this mare’s legs. Who was she? A new teacher? Cheerilee was a good teacher already, but if she had to be thrown out and forced to live on the streets to make way for this new pony then he was all for it. But that wouldn’t be necessary, he quickly realised, as the walking sexpot made herself known.

“Looking for this?” Milano said as she reached her disgruntled-looking son, placing the missing lunchbox onto the picnic bench. “You left it in the pantry. Again.”

“Stop it, Mum! You’re embarrassing me! Look at everypony staring!” Button tried pulling his tiny hat over his face in an effort to hide himself.

“But last time you scolded me for having to go a whole day without lunch,” Milano said matter-of-factly. “You’re lucky I found it this time.”

Button buried his head into his hooves. “So I’m doomed to either die of starvation or embarrassment…”

“Now don’t be silly. I’m sure your friends don’t… mind…”

Milano trailed off as three little foals practically appeared in front of her, their teeth bared in uncannily wide grins.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mrs Mash!” they all chimed in unison.

“Likewise, my little ponies,” Milano replied with a smile, turning back to her son. “Aren’t you going to introduce me to your polite little friends, Button?”

“Friends? I’ve barely even…”

“The name’s Featherweight, ma’am!” Featherweight said as he pushed out his chest proudly.

“You can call me Snips, my dear lady,” Snips said with a small bow.

“And I’m Scootaloo!”

The two colts’ eyes widened as they turned to their love-struck companion. “Scootaloo!?” They both said aloud, watching as the filly drooled giddily over the sight of Button’s Mum.

“A pleasure to meet you, Featherweight, Snips and Scootaloo. Look after Button for me, won’t you?”

“Uh-huh…” they all mumbled as Milano turned on her hoof and waved goodbye, exposing her rear end in full, beyond-high-definition glory. Their moment of bliss was interrupted by Button waving a hoof in front of their faces.

“What’s up with you guys?”

The three foals shook their heads wildly, slowly coming back to their senses. “Your Mum is so cool,” Scootaloo mumbled.

Button shrugged. “Meh… I guess. Wait… Are you guys here ‘cause you wanna play Four Spears after school?”

“Four spears?” Featherweight asked confusedly, still half-daydreaming about being nestled in Milano’s bosom.

Yes!” Button exclaimed. “The game I’ve been telling you all about! Argh, fine. If you don’t want to play then—”

“I’ll play! I’ll play!” Scootaloo cried, leaping into the air. “Your place after school, right?”

Featherweight and Snips were confused at first but quickly caught on to Scootaloo’s plans. “Yeah! Me too!” Snips said.

“And me!”

“Really?” Button asked joyfully. “You guys mean it?”

The three foals nodded excitedly. “Uh-huh!”

“Perfect!” Button yelled triumphantly, leaping onto the picnic table. “Steel yourselves, lady and gentlecolts, for we shall embark on the most epic of quests! Get ready to explore the most wondrous of caves!”

“Of course…” Scootaloo mumbled, drool pouring from her mouth.

“And conquer the most tenacious of beasts!”

“Sure…” Snips uttered, his eyes glazed over.

“And plunge our weapons into their soft, pink flesh!”

“Yes! Yes! A million times, yes!” Featherweight shouted, barely clinging onto consciousness.

“Adventure awaits as the final school bell tolls! I hope you’re ready for the epic quest of a lifetime!”

Featherweight smiled cunningly. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”