Been a FFN writer since 2004, been in the herd about a year so thought it only right I plant my little flag here too and maybe write some pony stuff. brohoof /)
Alpha Spark was always good with ideas, it was his specialty after all. Not that they were always good ideas, but that was a minor detail as far as he was concerned. He inspired that initial spark of creation in others, but when that same inspiration leads him to taking a certain someone into his protection, a chain of events is set in place that will turn most of Equestria and forces even beyond that against him.
He still maintained it was a good idea at the time though...
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Chrysalis tag gets a
.
Read this one at random off the front page (rare, for me). First impression: Catchy concept, excellent short summary. Second impression: Hmm … same story illustration as the author's user icon. A little worry creeps in. Third impression: Starting the story with a bang. Good pacing. Excellent writing quality. Fourth: Oh er. Did he just outfight the entire Royal Guard AND a princess?…
The sad truth about fanfiction, alas, is that OC stories start with one strike against them; self-inserts (if that's the case here) another; and ponies who can go toe-to-toe with an alicorn another. By the time you get that far into your premise, 90% of your readers are going to back away muttering "Gary Stu!" and won't give it a chance no matter how well written it is.
Make no mistake, you've got writing chops. I'm a former editor, so I'm awfully sensitive to all the standard spelling/grammar errors, and this is clean as a whistle. You dive right into the action, and you've got some clever ideas and are showing good promise at worldbuilding. But because of those other factors, this story won't get the attention your writing deserves. (Even stories with just one strike against them face a hard, uphill slog. Some of the best long-form fiction on the site, like y1's "Conviction" and KitsuneRisu's "These City Walls" and theycallmejub's "Eyes Without A Face" [warning: dark dark dark], is almost wholly OC-based, but none of those have hit 100 upthumbs, while a day in the featurebox will get "Pony Video Games Pony: Comedy Crossover XVII" a deluge of hundreds at a time.) If this is the story your muse wants you to tell, I hope you continue on regardless; but if you get any ideas for fic centering on ponies in the cast, I think you'll get a much more positive reception.
I hope you do! There's clearly potential for great things here and I'd love to see you in the featurebox.
Best,
Horizon
For the record, the only two typos that stood out while I was reading were in Luna's dialogue:
"treacherous nave" -> should be "knave".
"hadst" -> "hast" (and you get this right a few paragraphs up, so I'm pretty sure this was just a finger-fumble).
Hope that helps!
I love your writing style and I believe that you should do whatever feels right to you… as long as it makes sense. :) best of luck!
2971186 Thanks for the constructive feedback. Actually it was more of a backstory for my avatar (was going to be explained in a foreword but those aren't allowed in the main body of text) since the question was asked when it was designed (what is his story?) and i couldn't really answer it at the time, but couldn't help ask it afterwards, so this is just me; giving him a story, as everypony needs one I feel, plus it's less about his story and more about his companion (I'll probably have to get a design done for her too). I really didn't want him to actually come across as beating the royal guard (hence his comment about how if he actually tried they'd wipe the floor with him) and tried to get it across as less outfighting and more outright fleeing using what bolstering he had to hand at the time, and barely fumbling his way out of it as it was, but I can genuinely see the usual traps people fall into and was actively trying to avoid them and will try to keep doing so in future. Oh, and that little knave typo was corrected, though i think 'hast' was correct in that instance as being second-person for 'have', hmmm
...
Again, thanks for your comments /)
Excellent work so far. I look forward to the coming chapters. If I had anyone following me I would definitely send them here.
2971186
Um...no. Not trying to be a dick, but the dialogue punctuation is consistently incorrect, at least in what I'm seeing in the first two chapters.
3056677 ach well, hope you managed to find some joy in it in spite of that
I honestly surprised that their isn't a lot of comment on this. The story is very interesting.
Her power level.... IT"S OVER 9,000!!!
Sorry, haven't been able to say that in a long time.
I love this story, and I think Spark's background story is ingenious!
that's a nice looking train. wouldn't mind have those seats they'd also make nice beds.
Loving this
keep it up.
I love this story, its one of my favorites. please wright more. I've been waiting forever......Are you dead
? I hope not because then id have to kill you for not living long enough to finish this work of art
. Its a hidden gem that really must be continued.