A mysterious wanderer with trinkets from all over the world and what seems to be the keen wisdom of ancients arrives in Ponyville. Chalk full of surprises, he quickly meets new, friendly ponies, but who is this stallion and what is his real purpose in returning to Equestria?
Author's Notes:
The events of this story begin taking place between the episodes "Princess Twilight Sparkle" and "Castle Mane-ia."
Editing work completed by CtrlAltDeleteMan. Go check out his stories, particularly "The Sea Singer!"
http://www.fimfiction.net/user/CtrlAltDeleteMan
Chapters (3)
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw9301-116469__UNOPT.jpg
2954631
Pretty much, yeah!
Hello there! I just saw your ad on the Shameless Self-Promotion Berau and I'm here to post an impromptu review of this chapter here. I'll write this comment as I go along, so I can put my thoughts down while they're still fresh.
It's hooves. That's a common mistake for first-timers, I made it myself in fact. Other than that, the first paragraph was good.
Italics, please. Italics are the best way to show inner thoughts.
Try and not use the same non-noun words twice in one sentence, it breaks the flow of the paragraph.
Well that was a bit of a boring way to describe your protagonist for the first time. Try something like The stallion threw back the raggedy hood, revealing a flowing mane colored with the deepest of reds, like an oak leaf at the peak of the atumun season. These locks of hair were tipped with a similar shade of yellow, like freshly harvested corn. Spiraling from this nameless stallion's forehead was a sharp unicorn horn. See? Use you adjectives man, people love adjectives.
I like the way your protag talks. And you seemed to hit the nail on the head when it comes to AJ's dialog, too.
I also like the way you described his chest full of trinkets. Why couldn't you have done the same with Pyros himself?
Another thing I liked was the way you explained Zecora's talking in ryhmes. Clever.
Don't use the asterisks for that. Instead, say something like The pink party pony gasped rather dramatically "You already know who I am?"
Needs more comma. There should be one between "it" and "or". I believe that Pinkie's next line has the same issue too.
*cough* Abacus *cough*
So that's it for everything I've noticed about this chapter. I can tell that this is your first time writing anything pony related. This chapter wasn't that bad, considering how green you are. I've been at the writing and reading game for around eight months or so, and you're already better than I was at the start. I can see some talent in you, and if you just keep putting pen to paper, you could do great on FIMfic
Neurotically yours,
~CtrlAltDeleteMan
3263228
Howdy, CtrlAltDeleteMan!
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for the review!! I mean it. You're right that this is my first attempt of pony writing, so anything that helps is greatly appreciated. I'll fix these issues a.s.a.p.
Oh lordy, it seems I have my work cut out for me. Time to get editing...