Mark Smith is a Junior at Southern Chicago High School. He has very little social skills and rarely sees his parents. His school isn't the greatest and he has a secret crush on the one he finds most beautiful. But one night his Daily Routine was about to change drastically. There lies a present on the doorstep, which leads to more unsettling events. Was it real? Or was is just an apparition. Mark collapses to the floor, only to wake up to one thing he never expects. Six strange creatures, all claiming to be from another world. They need Mark's help, in exchange for anything he desires. Mark has to make a choice. One that will either help, or hurt him in the end.
Also my first story, let me know what you think. I'm open to any suggestions on how to improve my work.
So far so good. I like the protagonist for his relationship with his friend. (in a non-erotic sense.) He's got a friend who also unwittingly acts as his nemesis which is something cool. I do think you should clarify the situation with the protag's dad. Is he divorced? Did he get a good job over there but did the protag's mother not want to leave? His parent's seem like they get along so it makes the situation seem odd, there's a lot of questions this first chapter raises that are less than detrimental to what could well be the main plot so it'd be nice if we can get some light shed on those questions. I am going to give one piece of advice that I wholeheartedly think you should follow through. Change the preview pic, It does draw several parallels to the preview pic for 'my little Dashie' (pareidolia is weird) and a lot of people are sick to death of things similar to it and these same people are often quick to judge something.
Yay for Chicago~
Ok there are grammartical errors though. Missing commas and the like for the most part. Also it's a pet peeve of mine when people don't spell out the numbers in their story.
Another thing, I noticed the crossover tag but I'm curious as to what this is a crossover with.
Pretty good for a first story and first chapter... but I'd like another chapter please mylittlefacewhen.com/f/473/
Good job dude
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I'll take your advice for this because I can see why this cover art doesn't fit. Although I was planning a filly princess celestia in the second chapter,(something during her coming here that altered her age state) it would have been smarter to include her in the first chapter so it was more clear what the art was for. But that won't really work out. I'll have to think of something else that relates to the story more. But to be honest I'm at a loss for ideas. Hopefully I'll find something to replace the coverart, but i may have to leave it the same until I find another one. For a story with coverart seems to attract more people's attention to a story than nothing at all. If you have a suggestion then i would happily take it into account. Thanks for your advice though, and I'll make a few edits to my story.
Do you see it?
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Gah sorry, it happens sometimes. Microsoft word didn't seem to notice that when I do spelling and grammar checks. I'll fix it nonetheless.
Second chapter coming out soon.
2928434 1.Don't be sorry. 2.Good I seem to have a liking to it.
Abit confused at the end, but hey; seems pretty good :)
Unexplainable ponies appear at your door. WHAT DO?
More please
Seems very similar to the Little Things in Life.
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Strange. I've never heard of that story before. I'll have to check it out.
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(To be honest, this is one of the most professional critiques I've ever read
I appreciate your comment, as I plan on making every reasonable effort to make the suggested adjustments to my story and the depth of the protagonist. I have no explanation for my first story being as good as people say it is. Experience with essays from school I suppose. But that's besides the point. I have run into a bit of trouble while writing the third chapter though. I would go into detail but I feel that shouldn't be poured out into a comment post. It would be too much to share with everyone who reads this. I will hopefully solve these issues and avoid ruining the story's good sense of development. Thanks for the comment and I will use every bit of advice that I receive.
2930762 I've read it instead the mane 6 are well Dang GTiny
Well that escalated quickly.
The plot thickens...
Well, more will be revealed in the future I see.