• Member Since 18th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Jun 29th, 2018

Useless Machine

Some shit who occasionally writes things.


The Reaper War was a harsh and cruel mistress to the galaxy. Trillions of people died. Thousands of worlds burned. Annoying reporters got kneed in the stomach. But above all, tales of heroism; the Miracle at Palaven, the evacuation of Uqbar by a single Alliance ship, the reconciliation of the geth and the quarians over a century-long feud.

But above all else, the N7s.

While not technically N7s, Alliance Command was willing to let the name be used. The N7s were balls-to-the-wall hardcore badasses; four of them were usually enough to hold a position against endless waves of indoctrinated humans, rogue Geth, Reaper Husks, or Collectors, made of a species long passed. No species or gender was restricted because no species or gender was safe. And one of these teams - Aleph Squad, a six-man testament to diversity and asskickery, was one of the best of the best.

After the end of the War, however, Aleph Squad went MIA. Nobody knows what happened to them. Not even Aleph Squad knows what happened to them. All they know is this; something went really wrong with the Crucible, because now they're stuck on a planet full of colorful talking horses and they can't get off.

Chapters (7)
Comments ( 95 )

oh shit
you re-written the entire thing.
can't wait to read it again.
and you might want to change complete to incomplete.

So Shepard's plan was basically to pull the largest "turn it off and on again" debugging attempt in the galaxy?

Suppose that'll work better than updating Adobe Reader

If you can keep any and all romance out of this reboot, that would be the best thing ever.

4116287: It's been forced at gunpoint into another story that's about as connected to this as, say, Threads is to STALKER. Same world, entirely different otherwise.
It may or may not be a coincidence that I have not particularly started said story besides a more detailed outline for le prologue but THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

Wait... How does turning off an A.I. before the red beam hits actually work? They still have reaper tech, right? How does going offline save them?

4117714 The way I see it is that Reaper tech is overloaded. Even if they shut down, the sheer quantity of energy will blow them apart.
AI's, however, only have the programing codes. If they shut down, then the lack of any reaper tech would prevent damage.

That's my ten bits, anyway.

4117714: The same way shutting off an electronic device before an EMP hits will save it in turn.

EMP works by overloading circuits with electricity. It is the magic of magnets. An item doesn't need to be on for electricity to overflow the circuits, so your analogy doesn't work. :rainbowwild:

4119414: Then it's space magic. That, or Hitman is the luckiest geth alive.

Because they're using reaper code, not reaper parts and tech (unless I'm very much mistaken)
If that's the case, then shutting down will silence the code and stop any signals transmitting along it, meaning that when the red light comes to kill them, it will find Geth shells, not Reaper code.
That's how I see it anyway.

4120092 Bloody space wizards... Always getting into my shit and casting their fancy frou-frou spells, making everything all candy-like and colorful...

4125373: You can always just punch them.

I was very confused seeing this updated with a prolouge. it will be interesting to see how this goes.

4134411: Yeah. To make sure people would read it I killed the entire story, wrote a prologue, then posted that as a chapter.
When I said this'd be a rewrite, I meant it.

4246525: Sorry mate, it's been excised.
That being said I will be making a story like that...
...sometime in the future.

5291205: Sorry, but nope. Everything's shifted into Valve Time, mostly because of this niggling little thing I like to call "post-secondary education".

I may actually get work done sometime soon, but I wouldn't expect updates of any type from me until sometime December-ish. If that.

5825829: It's comments like these that make me wish I'd thought further ahead before doing this shit.

I'm still trying to suss out whether or not it's worth it to pick up where I've left off in regards to all my stories.

I'm pretty sure I now have no betareaders.

Cough. I'm still here, y'know?

have yet to read, but seriously?

Something went really wrong with the Crucible, because now they're stuck on a planet full of colorful talking horses and they can't get off.

with that said I will start reading now

ok. i've read it. It is a good start and I hope to see more. adding to faves

about time this came back, I had (mostly) forgotten about it!

you better not take a year long break again mate :derpytongue2:

5870575 I, too, am here. Good to see you back!

Good to see you're still alive, though. I'll figure out something in time for next chapter.
5870949: Three years, excuse you. Get your dates right.
(But seriously, I was surprised too. I thought it was a long time, but apparently the story was last edited in 2012 or 2013.)
5871778: Good to see you. Again, I'll look over my options, but I still have the Betaread thing up, so I'll probably throw chapters up there before doing anything else.
5870706: I have no idea what's wrong with the phrasing there, so I'm going to ignore Archer and leave it as is.


Prologue: GG Reapers · 22nd Mar 2014

says only one for me, dunno what you're talking about

EDIT: also, your first comment's timestamp is

#1 · 55w, 6d ago

still only a year :derpytongue2:

5873287: Well, either way I've apparently spent so long away from this that I have forgotten the concept of time.

5873718 all good, I lose track of time too :derpytongue2:

I like it, I really like that its not Shepard as the main in this fic..gives you more freedom whit the characters.

This is good. More coherent and flowing than the original. Definitely feels like you put additional work into improving the fic.

Keep it up!

If, I presume, Shepared is in the Squad, wasn't he an N7? Or does becoming a Specter, being KIA for about two years, being resurrected by a pro-Humanity organization, and being court marshalled get rid of that?

*coughs* About a year old, but... geth does not intentionally infiltrate. :pinkiehappy:

Annoying reporters generally got kneed in the stomach.

Aaaaaaand liked and faved, for that alone.

Reading now.

...have to say, i like "not one shot fired" better as a first contact chapter. but this story is still amazing.

Haha! That was a fun read!

Shepard isn't in the squad. It's another N7 operative. The original chapters explained it a little better I think.

5947997: Shepard will be playing the role of Sir/Madam Not Appearing In This Fic.
5948198: Yeah. I've been lazy and forgetful and sort of busy lately.
5948308: Well it's down to personal taste. I feel Not One Shot Fired fits the fic better, because it doesn't break suspension of disbelief like the other chapter - but at the same time, Absolute Territory was too funny to just ditch.
Solution: Omake.
5948309: Well I'm glad someone is enjoying this shitshow. Thanks for the praise. Folks like you keep me trucking.

Oh don't get me wrong, It was funny as heck. I'm glad to have read it. But like you said, it's down to personal taste. You get a large amount of Yes.

This amuses me. I find it particularly amusing that everybody still makes fun of the ME3 ending years and years after the original release. Goddamn that shit sucked.

5948570: Six years, 180+ hours, 20 squadmates, thousands of decisions, and thousands more felled enemies later, and the ultimate fate of the galaxy is reduced to Pick-The-Color.
At least BioWare released the Extended Cut for free.

5874394 Don't let her see the Master Chief in soace then, or she'd be having a field day with that flying brick. :trollestia:


Also, Tali's photo disappointed me.

I showed it my friend so I could say "Hey look, she's better than Miranda in every possible way even without the suit" and then after that I was decidedly underwhelmed by how it was basically just a 3 fingered human.

I have a question. What are the odds of being forcibly ejected from travel between Mass Relays, landing on an alien planet that has breathable atmosphere, and has a population that can understand and be understood by an assortment of alien life-forms?

5949112: I don't know what the number is exactly, but I'd guess that it's somewhere in the trillions, quadrillions, or more to one.

5948482 Just calling it on how I see it. XD

5949112 Going by this story? Approximately 100%. :rainbowlaugh:

Will there be any more omakes? I don't have a damn clue.

Probably, 'cause your proofreaders are anal SoBs.

5955577: Honestly, it's more a case of "will I write something funny/stupid that doesn't fit the story well but is still worth preserving" than "will my proofreaders bitch at me for writing dumb shit".
luv u 2 bae c:

5955587 Yes but we (or at least I) was being anal about the over reaction by the battle hardened turian, it totally could have gone in lol

I enjoy what has been written so far, and laughed reading the Omake. Keep the good work up looking forward to seeing more.

5957048: Eh. Like I said. The intention was for comedic effect, but that only gets you so far. Thanks for keeping me in check.
5957549: Good to hear you're enjoying this pile of shit.

Unrelated: Why is this in "Technology VS. Magic"? This isn't Tech vs. Magic. It's Tech and Magic working together. I do not get you people sometimes.

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