Jura
Joined 30th Mar, 2012 ·
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Read later, for clopping only.
2861414
Yus! What else? :3
I'm planning on reading this later tonight. I hope I will not be disappointed. If I am, you should watch out, as you will experience rage from a reader like NEVAR BEFORE!
EDIT: It was okay. Not gonna like or dislike, though.
2862329
Mediocrity for the win!
Poor Morning Glory ...
What the actual fuck... Normally am I all in for clop, and have nothing against foalcon or most other fetishes like that... But those characters... What the actual fuck!
2870550
I wish I knew what exactly bugged you so I could try to correct it in the future. I'm far from good at writing, but even random bits of criticism help a lot :3
Okay let me leave you some feedback (pardon any minor mispellings as i am posting from my cell)
#1 Story. 5/10-story is dislocated and slightly out of context with foe:ph/ i notice a severe lack of pacing throughout
#2 Relvance to foe:ph 1.5/10 . Here you suffer the most points due to being WAY off of when this pair actually ship by quite a few chapters actually. Also Glory is not a foal she is only a year (more or less) younger than Blackjack. Next Blackjack is grossly OOC. Theres no way her moral dilemma would actually let her do any of what transpired.
#3 Pacing 5/10 this had to be done seperatly. About the halfway point the story just feels rushed and slapdash and by the end its barely hanging onto itself until at the end it has just....well not going to lie but you need to work on your closings.
#4 clop 5/10. I like clop and read it frequently as such there are several things to take note of here 1. you rush to the clop. No real warmup or tease. 2 your detail is alright in the beggining but by the end it feels like you just got lost (no offense here just, hopefully, constructive criticism) 3. Personally im not into foalcon or rape but im not knocking points for that to each their own. However since you did put those elements into your story and im trying to be comprehensive here your foalcon was extremly forced and the rape that was implied got lost in the unfortunate pacing landslide towards the end.
If i had to guess i would say that you are a writer that sees the scene in your head but dont put all the details down because when you read the wodds you typed it pops up the resr. Im like that myself. However, from an objective standpoint it comes across as rushed and barely held together. A decent attempt. By all means though do keep writing because i lokk forward to when you ger into your stride. You have extreme potential
2909844
Cool, thanks, I'll reread with all this in mind and do my best to take it into account for future stuff.
I really appreciate the feedback :D
Re reading this, how is this out of character? Y’all were way too critical.