Radio waves

A 14 year old girl called Sky and her best friend Casey where camping on the edge of the farm when they discovered some marks on their hips. This is Sky's story.

This is my retry on transformation and I may add more to this story.

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 4 )

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destinedjagold

destinedjagold #1 · Jul 10th, 2013 · · · -1- ·

A few of your lines needed commas, periods and other punctuation marks.
Like the one I quoted here...

I wanted to get better, no good, today I had gotten the hocky stick it was my first hocky stick it was a red and black X17 fild hocky stick.

A few things that confused me...
Sky was outside under the rain, and then...

There was a knock on the door, then a knock on the side gate, I opened it, it was my best friend, Casey.

...what? She was suddenly inside the house?

There are a few misspelled words...

"Really, I better say goodby and we will get going."

And there are a few misused punctuations, wherein a period should have been used instead of a comma.

I ran inside and said goodby to my dad, my mum died when I was very young.

I apologize, but those were the turn-offs that made me not want to continue reading.
It has a very nice and catching title and description, but your first chapter kinda ruined the mood for me.

I would suggest you go and look for proofreaders and editors.
I won't leave a thumb's up/down though. This fic, so far, has promise.

Cinnamon Cake

Cinnamon Cake #2 · Jul 10th, 2013 · · · -1- ·

You might want to proofread this, as there is many mistakes.

Ramboom

Ramboom #3 · Jul 10th, 2013 · · · -1- ·

2852083 a side gate, it is the side of a fenced off garden and thanks for pointing them out

Drakkith

Drakkith #4 · Jul 12th, 2013 · · · -2- ·

Like I posted on another of your stories, the description of this one could use some work as well. It's MUCH better than the other, but I wanted to point out that where you've put your commas makes it read very awkwardly.

Commas indicate where to pause when reading. Re-read your description and pause when you get to the commas. Sounds weird doesn't it?

I'd suggest the following change: A 14 year old girl called Sky and her best friend Casey where were camping on the edge of the bush when they discovered some marks on their hips. This is Sky's story.
(the strike-through just indicates that where was the wrong word. It should be were.)
By the way, what is "the bush"?

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