LaurentLegacy7
Joined 14th May, 2013 ·
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I'll give my honest thoughts on it, because I like to comment on all SB fics when I can, and I figure a bit of critique is very helpful for a new author. So, let's see, I'll start with mundane stuff first:
Formatting and paragraphs. I do like the space between the paragraphs. However, a lot of your paragraphs are far too short and missing out on a fair amount of detail. It has a very bare-bones feel, almost like this was just a first draft of the story that needs to be filled in with details.
Spelling and grammar: Quite a few mistakes in this department. There are words, here and there, that are just wrong, and some are in the wrong tense. Also look for your possessive plurals and make sure they have that apostrophe, with the exception of 'its', which has no apostrophe to be possessive. Also, use italics instead of caps for emphasis. You could take another look at the story and catch a bunch of the errors yourself just by reading it to yourself.
Prologue/first part: It's certainly an intriguing idea, and makes us wonder what trouble the EoH are in that would require this beast to awaken. Nothing too much to say about this particular section.
The rest of the story: I think this story suffers from referencing Rainbow Factory, in particular. Is it necessary to include the stigma of such a story with your own? It feels like this story doesn't start in the MLP world that we know at all. Was it necessary to include that scene with Rarity? I feel like the world you are presenting us, as readers, with is not familiar enough to engage us, and, instead, has the effect of making us feel uncomfortable with everything that is blatantly different.
Character: We really don't get any of this in this chapter, other than Sweetie thinks she might be going insane. We've been told that certain dark changes have happened to certain ponies, but we don't really get to connect with Sweetie at all. Heck, we have more of a connection to Jailer at the beginning than Sweetie.
This story suffers mostly from not being engaging at all to the reader (the primary way to do that is through character). There are many things to improve upon, but I cannot see this story going very far without being fixed up considerably.
If you wish to, you may PM me for any sort of specific writing advice. I don't mean for this comment to be offensive in any way, but for it to simply act as a bit of honest critique as I see your story. I'd recommend reading more. And when doing so, look with a keen eye at how other authors write their stories, find what parts grab your attention and what parts throw away your attention. Look for how they make their paragraphs, and how they introduce information. Do that, and keep writing, and you will improve.
Always willing to help out when I have time,
~SilentBelle
I think you'll get more views once you clean your description of spelling and grammar issues.
Reworked description, editing sentence flow and spelling errors:
3742751
Ok...and the rest?
3742758
Reading through atm
Alright easy enough: don't use so many ellipses, delete several of those start symbols so it makes a flat line, make sure each paragraph has similar spacing, it would be more dramatic for the name not to be revealed until the end of the "Jailer"'s bit, try not to use "it" too much, and delete right about half of those commas.
Story is a good start with minimal grammatical or spelling errors, just try to be more descriptive and you'll have a good chapter on your hands.
This is beautifully written and quite dramatic. I would love to read more of this
3941239
Thank you so very much! Tell me, if you don't mind, what did you like about it? What was your favorite part?
Oh how wonderful to have a commenter in such a long time!
3943484 I like your style of writing, the evocative way you talk about sensing things