New Girls

by TheDerpyOutcast

Calm Before The Storm

Nala watched the vans from her window. She heard her parents talking about the new neighbors who were moving in. She heard that the family had two teenage girls, and a girl her age. Which would be cool.

She walked away from her bedroom window and grabbed some toys from the display in her room, as well as a random one.

"'Hi. My name's Rainbow Dash. This is my twin sister Fluttershy, and our little sister Scootaloo. We just moved in next door.'" Nala said, imitating the voice of the cartoon pony. "'Cool, I'm Nala'" She said as she moved the figures around.

She continued like this till she got bored. Then she put the toys away and went back to the window.

"Who am I kidding. There is no way three humanized versions of cartoon characters will live there. Especially in the sense of my custom universe. Otherwise Twilight would be a robot." She gazed out the window. Suddenly a car pulled up. Nala anxiously waited for someone to step out.

A girl with rainbow hair, a girl with pink hair, and a girl with purple hair all stepped out of the back seat. The girl with the rainbow hair was dribbling a basketball professionally, while the purple haired girl tried to mimick her. The pink haired one held a small rabbit in her hands.

"I think I just jinxed my luck." Said Nala as she watched the girls from the window. After a while she bolted downstairs to the living room.

"Mom, I'm going for a ride on my four wheeler, okay?" Nala said as she put on her protective gear.

"All right. Just stay out of the movers ways, okay?"

"Alright."

Nala quickly got on her four wheeler and revved up the engine, causing the pink haired girl to jump behind her sister, who had stopped dribbling. One of them walked over.

"Hey, kid." It was the girl with the rainbow hair.

"Yeah?" Nala said as she turned the vehicle off. She still sat on it just to keep herself looking cool, knowing that there were two girls who always tried to annoy her with every little thing.

"You live here?" The girl asked.

"Umm... yeah..."

"Cool. I'm Rainbow Dash. Just moved next door. That's Scootaloo," Rainbow Dash gestured to the purple haired girl, who had come to stand next to her, "And Fluttershy is behind me." Rainbow pointed to the other girl.

"I'm Nala. You have some pretty awesome moves, Rainbow Dash."

"That's because Rainbow is the best person EVER!!" Shouted Scootaloo, a small silver chain hung around her neck, with a purple lightning bolt on it.

Ohhhh come on. First they move in next door, and now they just happened to be like my universe!? This better not be Dez and Sal again...

"Soo... I noticed Fluttershy hasn't said a word. But I know how to change that." Nala said as she adjusted her position. "Do any of you have rides?"

"I have I scooter, Dash has a dirt bike, and Shy has a bicycle." Scootaloo decreed. I looked to see all three vehicles unloaded.

"Get em over here. I wanna show you something."

The three girls ran back to their house, hopped on their rides, put on the proper safety gear, and rode back over.

"Follow me!" Nala said as she set off towards a path in the woods nearby. The three siblings followed behind her. They followed till they hit a gate.

"Pass please." Said a worker.

"Alleeeeen! I'm just taking some friends to the reserve!" Nala gave puppy eyes to Allen, who laughed.

"Alright babe." Allen said before giving Nala a peck on the cheek. He opened the gate ant the four girls went through.

"Some one is in looooove." Rainbow said as she came up next to Nala.

"Well, duh. He is my boyfriend." Nala said as she led the group to a clearing. "Alright. These spaces are locked by remote. They always have spares down by Allen. His dad owns the place, so he'll give me a spare if I need it." She wheeled her four wheeler into a space, picked up a remote, and pressed a button, causing gates to fall down, securing it.

After all the vehicles were locked up, Nala saw that Fluttershy was walking around.

"This is so amazing." Fluttershy said as she picked up a baby bird and put it back in it's nest. She looked around quite a bit before finally opening up to Nala. "Can we see your house?"

"Sure. I don't have plans today." Nala looked up at the sky. She furrowed her brow for a moment before swearing. "Shit."

"What's wrong?" Fluttershy asked.

"Girls, we need to get back. Fast. I can't believe I forgot."

"Nala, what is going on?" Scootaloo questioned.

"I knew something was off. Normally there are more critters about."

"Calm before the storm." Rainbow gasped.

"Exactly. Before we left it was swaying between category four and three. Hurricane Zoe might be bad. We need to get home. You are welcome to stay with me durring the storm." Nala said as she unlocked the gates, and soon all of them were speeding down the pathway to Nala's house.

.........

"Mom!!" Shouted Nala as she walked inside with her friends. The wind was whipping like crazy outside, and the girls were happy to be inside. They walked into the living room to see Nala's parents with two others, who Nala assumed were Rainbow, Fluttershy, and Scootaloo's parents.

"Thank goodness." Said Nala's mom.

"How close is it? Fluttershy asked.

"Severely close, Shy." Said their mom, who was met by three hugs. "We're staying here till it passes over, so be patent."

"At least we are all safe." Scootaloo sighed as the rain started to fall. Suddenly there was a knock at the door as two similar looking girls burst in.

"Dez! Sal! What are you doing here?" Nala shouted.

"Dad is on a business trip." Sal said as she shut the door.

"We brought over some food." Said Dez as she dropped the bag on the dinner table.

"Well, this will be odd." Nala said as she pulled out a box of flashlights. She started to hand them out when the power died.

"Shit."

Author's Note:

Any better names than Hurricane Zoe? Was there already a Hurricane Zoe? I don't know, it was the best I could think of.

Please comment if you bothered to read this. I wanna know what you think of my failure of a story.

Comments

[Annalisa Flat]

This story isn't bad at all it has the potential to go far if you work really hard on it
I only had one issue
You didn't exactly have an introduction. Instead of introducing the main character, talking about where she lived, and emphasizing her enjoyment of the show, you kinda went straight to the plot. Because of this, I was semi-confused about some of the elements in this first chapter of the story, mainly because I really didn't know who Nala was as a person.
besides that,

[TheDerpyOutcast]

3056795. well... then it's time to rewrite.

[Drakkith]

3058165

I think your opening was actually pretty decent.
Why?
Because you DIDN'T go into detail on who she was, where she lived, etc.
One of the things people don't realize when they start writing is that the reader will usually wait a very long time to get caught up on who the character is and where they're from and all. One of the reasons this is true is because when a story starts off with action, which yours does, we ARE seeing where the character is, what she likes, etc. We are seeing through the eyes of the character. (If done correctly of course)
So you don't need to go into any info dumps on who she is, what she likes, etc. In fact, DON'T do that. Stick little bits in here and there throughout your story. SHOW that your character likes something if you can. Don't just say "Nala liked ponies a lot and watched the show every day." (Which you didn't do, so kudos there!)

So starting off with action, like you did, and showing that your character liked ponies instead of telling, which you did, is a good thing. Don't ever let anyone tell you to stick more about the characters in the beginning. They don't know what they're talking about. Just ground the reader in the scene, and get on with the plot. Half the point of the story is to show who the characters are.

[TheDerpyOutcast]

3072301. Good point.

[Annalisa Flat]

3072301

I agree and disagree at the same same

I completely agree that he didn't need to go in detail and bore everypony to death, since he already mentioned a majority of it in the description. It just kinda felt rushed. like, five sentences in, he met the new neighbors, and that bothered me a little bit .

I think the idea is fantastic It's just that a story isn't a story without a proper introduction

>>TheDerpyOutcast I think this story has a fantastic plot and side plot (that being the hurricane thingy) I would just rewrite a teensy bit. It isn't a train wreck It just needs a teeny bit of work . If you want, I could show you how to fix this teeny mistake I have an A+ in writing after all

eeyup, that's it.

[TheDerpyOutcast]

3075293. Sounds like a plan