The Pony Who is Holding all the Cards
I spent Thursday in bed reading and snacking on what was left in my cupboard. The carrots turned out to be the ideal snack food, and I ate most of them raw while charging my way through the small pile of detective novels that I’d borrowed from the library last week. It was four in the morning by the time I had finished, and four in the afternoon by the time I woke up again.
After staring at a clock for awhile, I remembered that the Gentlecolt’s Club was getting together tonight. The job of host rotated through the membership, and tonight Big Macintosh was hosting a poker night in his barn. Of course there was no way I was going to miss it; so I had a quick bath, found my old fedora, ate another carrot, and set off into the evening air.
I quickly caught up with Cranky as he plodded along in the same direction I was headed. The old guy had a spring in his step – as much of a spring an old donkey like him would have. The biggest change was probably the large gold toupee on his head.
“Good evening, Cranky,” I said as I came alongside.
“There you are, kid.” He harrumphed. “I hope you know where this thing is. I’m beginning to think I’ve walked past it already.”
“It’s just over the hill and on the right.”
“Good,” he grumbled. Despite looking chipper with what could be remotely described as a smile on his face, the donkey seemed to remain as cranky as ever. “Nopony else seemed to want to talk about this and Matilda didn’t know much either.”
“It’s something the stallions try to keep to themselves,” I replied with a shrug. “The entire point of all this is so the mares around town don’t get in on what we do or talk about.” I looked around to make sure nopony else was either around or above us. “Sometimes we want to be able to talk about stuff that you don’t want getting onto the gossip circuit.”
“Sounds like a bundle of fun,” Cranky said as we made our way down the other side of the hill.
After a few more minutes of walking we’d come up past the gate and up to one of the Apple Family’s barns. A low din of noise was coming through the walls and lantern light could be seen through the gaps in the timber.
I knocked three times and the noise stopped. A voice called back, “Password?”
“It’s Time Turner with Cranky Donkey,” I said back. Cranky gave me a funny look so I explained, “Anypony can find a password, but our names are unique to us.” The door cracked open and I shrugged, “Anyway, it’s a fast way to figure out who’s on the other side of the door.”
Noteworthy looked out the crack of the door. “Evening, Turner.” He opened it fully and directed us in with a flick of his head, “Find yourselves a table. The rest of the stragglers should be here soon.”
“Thanks, Note.” The two of us went in. Most of the stallions in Ponyville were here tonight and had joined their groups around properly clothed tables. I led Cranky to the table with my usual opponents: Big Macintosh, Caramel, and Thunderlane. Each said, “Howdy”, “Hi” and “Hey, Bud” respectively.
“Hey, guys.” I pointed to my right, “This is Cranky, and he’s new to Ponyville.”
“Cool,” Thunderlane said, “Is that supposed to be one of those literal names or something?”
“What do you think, kid?” Cranky growled. “Or do I need to spell it out so you can understand it?” Everypony else at the table chuckled.
“Here’s a hint, Lane,” I said as I took my usual seat. “It starts with a ‘C’ and ends in a ‘Y’.”
“Oh, come on guys,” Thunderlane groaned. “I’m not that stupid.”
“Nope,” Mac said.
Lane paused for a moment. “Is that no, I’m not stupid, or no I am stupid?”
“Ehyup,” Mac replied with a smile. Thunderlane sat glaring back as his mind pulled itself out of the clouds and tried to puzzle out whether he’d been insulted or not.
Mac loves using vague yes or no answers. He normally keeps quiet unless he has something important to say, and when he does he can surprise you with how much he’ll have to say about it. Open the clam and you’ll get a pearl of wisdom.
“Well,” I brought my hooves together. “Anypony have something to say before Noteworthy brings the cards around?”
“Yeah,” Thunderlane said as turned to look at me. “Where were you this morning? You missed a good party at the Corner.”
I arched an eyebrow. “Sleeping in. Why, what was the party about?”
“Cloud and Blossom had their promotions confirmed,” Lane explained. “But the reason I’m asking is because I had a couple of girls come up to me.”
“Oh.” A grin crossed my face. “Did you manage to ask somepony out?”
Lane’s face remained flat. “No, they were asking after you.”
I rubbed my forehead, groaning, “Oh for the love of Luna.”
Caramel chuckled quietly. “You know, Turner,” he said with a grin. “If you’re not interested in the mares, I can always talk to Pokey Pierce for you.”
I gave him a withering glare. “Caramel, the mare-to-stallion ratio in this town is bad enough as it is; let’s not make it any harder for the other team. They score enough own goals already.” I tapped the table idly. “I’m just not interested in any romance right now.”
“Dude,” Thunderlane said. “That isn’t right. I’m searching for a date here, and two mares walk right up to me.” He leaned back against his seat. “I get my hopes up, and then instead of me, they ask after you.” He held up his forelegs in an angry shrug. “Then you act like it’s a bad thing. What am I supposed to think? What have you got that I don’t?”
“Nothing.” Except my charm and wit. I sighed, “Lane, it’s just a phase. Think about it this way: I’m put up in front of everypony in town and I’m almost forced to admit that I’m completely unattached.”
There was a grumble from beside me. “Alright, I’m lost,” Cranky grumbled. “Somepony please explain what’s going on?”
I turned to look at him. “You remember it was Hearts and Hooves Day last week, right?”
“Never really paid it much attention.”
“Well, since the town’s got a fairly young population, there’s a whole lot of ponies still playing musical partner while trying to find their special somepony,” I said. “Especially right now because H&H Day is still on everypony’s minds. Then I’m put in centre stage in front of everypony with a big ‘He’s available’ sign above my head.” I leaned back in my chair. “That makes me a target because nopony needs to do the normal song and dance to find out if I’m available.” I sighed. “It’ll be a couple of weeks before it cools down.”
“Isn’t that a good thing?” Thunderlane asked. “They’re falling over each other to get at you.”
“Nope,” Mac responded.
I shook my head and added, “They’re just asking because they know I’m available, not because I’m the right pony for them. Any relationship would probably be short lived at best, and heartbreaking at worst.”
“Couldn’t you just go along with it?” Lane asked. “If they’re looking for company you could just bang them. You know, like Cloud Kicker does.” The entire table glared at Thunderlane and he shrank back into his seat. “Uhh.. I’m sorry?”
“Best think about that again, Thunderlane,” Big Mac boomed as he leaned forward. He sounded like a disappointed parent. “These ponies aren't looking for some fling, and treating them like that is a disservice to them.”
It amazes me how immature Thunderlane can be, and that despite his age he’s probably still a young kid inside. The same can be said about a lot of the pegasi around actually, it’s probably a Cloudsdale thing. It was probably worth cutting him some slack though. Some of those ponies might actually be looking for a fling, but there was no way for me to know that.
“Think about it this way, Thunderlane,” I said neutrally. “If somepony wanted a fling they’d probably go past Cloud Kicker first. Cloud’s got a reputation and so she’s always sure it’s just a fling, but I’m not.” I sighed. “And considering the damage that an awkward misunderstanding could do, it’s best I don’t get involved at all if I can.”
Lane nodded in response. “I probably shouldn’t have suggested it then,” he said glumly.
“Don’t worry about it.” I looked around. “Lane, why don’t you go get the cards off Noteworthy. Since we have a full table we don’t really need to wait for anypony else.” Lane nodded, pushed his chair out and went off to get the cards. Hopefully he’d have some time to think.
Once he was gone I groaned and leant against the table with a hoof over my face. “And he thinks he’s going to win over Rarity.”
“Really?” Caramel shook his head, “Lane’s just not what she’s after. Me and Lucky drove her down to the Gala last year and she fit right in there.” He leaned back in his seat. “She looked divine, and when she batted those eyelashes at me…” A satisfied grin crossed his face. “I would have taken her anywhere.”
I had to agree with that. Rarity is that rare gem of both inner and outer beauty, but she’s always had her heart set on something grander. I don’t think anypony in town will measure up to whatever vision Rarity has in mind for her future. Though depending on how true the stories of the Grand Gala were, she may have had a good dose of reality.
“What do you guys think about Lane’s chances?” I asked.
“I wouldn’t bet on it,” Cranky said immediately.
Caramel gave me a noncommittal shrug.
“Bad,” Mac said in his slow drawl. “Ah suspect that there’s somepony else with their mind on Rarity, and they’ve got a much better chance than Thunderlane.”
“Oh,” I said with a grin. “Got an inside scoop to share, Mac?”
“Tain't my place to say,” he said. “If you’d excuse me, I got to do something before the game begins.” Mac stood up, nodded and walked away.
“Well that was enlightening,” I said as Mac went over to the barn door.
“Two speeches in as many minutes.” Caramel checked over his shoulder and looked back at us. “It’ll be a wonder if we get anything else out of him tonight.”
“So,” Cranky asked. “What are you going to do about the Thunder Kid?”
“Do?” I arched an eyebrow.
“Kid needs help,” Cranky rumbled. “He won’t ask for it, nor appreciate it, but it doesn’t sound like he knows what he’s doing.”
It was certainly looking that way. Thunderlane’s screwed up dates before and he face-planted before even getting to the date the last time I saw him. If Mac was right about Lane’s chances with Rarity, and Mac is always right when he opens his mouth, then we had to push Lane into finding somepony else. Lane’s fast to claim his ability in wooing mares, and it was a delusion we’d have to break.
“I’d almost have to play foalsitter for him while he’s on a date.” I snorted and shook my head muttering, “Not asking much.”
“Hey guys,” Thunderlane called out as he flew back over. We all turned to look, and didn’t say anything else while Lane put the deck of cards down on the table. “I got one of those charity sets the town did last year.” He looked around, “Where’s Mac?”
“Fetching something,” Caramel replied with a shrug. “Deal out the cards and we’ll get started when he gets back.”
Dealing cards is difficult without magic and, since we lacked a unicorn at the table, the role of dealer fell to Thunderlane. He leaned against the table and used hoof, wing and mouth to quickly shuffle the cards. It’s hard to explain how he does this, but then again pegasi have always seemed a little strange to me.
We were each given two cards and a pile of chips ‘worth’ a thousand bits. The games we play in club meetings are all casual and an excuse for good conversation. An actual game, with real bits, wouldn’t be nearly as entertaining.
I flipped my pair of cards onto my card stand. I had a seven of apples and a princess of wings which featured a picture of Rainbow Dash mid-Rainboom. Normally the princess cards in Applewood style decks featured members of the royal family, and Blueblood. But this specific deck was specially printed to raise money for the town library so Twilight could expand the fiction collection.
I was the one who suggested the idea and then convinced the Gentlecolt’s club to buy up the decks. End result: the club plays my favourite form of poker, Apple Two Card, and the rest of the princess cards featured other local celebrities instead of the usual royals. Rarity had replaced Blueblood as Princess of Diamonds, Applejack had replaced Princess Celestia as the Princess of Apples and the Princess of Hearts, Cadance, was replaced with Cloud Kicker. The slightly controversial choice of Cloud as a princess was made by a member of the committee who’d been crossed off Cloud’s ‘To Bang’ list. It wasn’t hard to arrange.
We’d gotten into a four-way staring competition when the barn door opened again as Big Mac walked in with a cart full of barrels and his dog. All the other tables turned to look, and a few cheers were heard.
Mr. Waddle, the eldest and thus leader of the club, waddled over to the cart and raised his voice. “Gentlecolts, Big Macintosh has kindly brought us a few barrels of cider.” There was some heavier cheering and Mr. Waddle let it die down before he continued. “Now we all know that the Apple family has gone through some tough times, and so I’d appreciate it if you show some gratitude in turn to him for his expense.”
Mac set the cart up by the door with a stack of cups and a collection plate. He’d probably make almost as much from donations, if not more, than he would if he sold the cider in town.
Big Mac brought a few empty mugs over to our table, followed by his dog on top of a small barrel of cider and rolling it along behind him. Mac put the mugs on the table, and brought up the barrel once the dog hopped up onto a spare seat.
“Hey, Mac,” Caramel said. “I know Winona’s a smart cookie, but I’ve never heard of a dog playing poker.”
Mac shrugged. “She was interested in what was going on inside.”
I looked at our new guest. Winona sat with her front paws on the table and her tongue lolled out as she looked back and forth at us. She was the picture of innocence.
“She’s Applejack’s dog, right Mac?” I asked.
“Ehyup.”
“How do we know she isn’t going to report everything we say to her?” I gave Winona a suspicious glance and she simply turned her head to the side to look quizzically at me.
Nothing acts that cute without some ulterior motive.
“She can’t talk, Turner,” Caramel said with an amused tone.
“But she can talk to Fluttershy,” I shot back.
Big Mac rolled his eyes. “Well, she ain’t going to talk anyways. Right, Winona?”
She gave a short affirmative bark in response. I still didn’t believe her, but I kept my mouth shut.
Mac looked to his cards and put them on his own stand. He blinked once and put twenty bits in the pot. Everypony turned to look at Caramel to see if he would answer the bet, and he did. This was followed by bets from Cranky, me and then Lane. The first rounds played out with small pots and little conversation. Mac poured cider into each of the empty mugs he’d brought and passed them around.
Caramel and Lane wasted no time in drinking theirs, Cranky sipped his and I only gave mine a taste. It was bitter, and the taste of alcohol was present. This batch had been properly aged for a month or two. Most cider from Sweet Apple Acres is right off the tree and never ferments, but this year may be the first time in memory the Apples actually had some leftover after cider season.
The third round came as we started to get bored of the ‘silent opposition’ play. Mac’s normally the first to fold: he just looks around, figures out who’s bluffing and who’s holding gold. Caramel followed Mac’s lead and folded immediately while Cranky bowed out once he saw the first group of house cards – the ones in the centre.
This left me with Thunderlane. I had a 7 and a 9 with only a matching 7 in the house cards revealed so far. Lane seemed confident in whatever he had, but he’s always overconfident. The fourth house card was flipped to reveal a 3, nothing helpful.
“So,” Lane said casually. “Let’s make things more interesting. I’ll wager a story or secret, to be told at the end of this round, if you’ll match it.” A smirk crossed Lane’s face.
My eyes narrowed. “I’ll match. What sort of story did you want?”
“You win, I’ll tell you what I did on Hearts and Hooves Day. If I win, you tell me what you did on Hearts and Hooves Day.”
I groaned internally. Even Lane had to know about Manehatten. If Pinkie had just written “Turner’s back” on her party banner instead of “Mysterious Trip”, nopony would have noticed, and as much as I’d like to tell Lane, I couldn’t.
I considered my options: fold and lose the match, or risk something I couldn’t bet. So this meant that I’d have to hoof over my chits. The best part was that Lane would use this every round until he had all my chits. A cunning, if simple, plan, but I had my own hidden card to play here.
“Okay, Lane,” I agreed. “Only if you won’t ask that again after I win.”
“Cool,” Lane replied, overconfident as always.
The final card was flipped to reveal Applejack the Princess of Apples. Net gain for me: nothing.
I breathed in, getting ready to say ‘reset’ or ‘backup’ or one of the similar words I use to kick the mental trigger for my time turn. I can only go as far as the present lasts – about 42 seconds – and I wouldn’t be able to do it for another two minutes or so. I’ve used it to cheat before, but I don’t like using it in friendly games.
The two of us flipped our cards off the stands so everypony could see them. I had a pair of sevens and Thunderlane had a pair of threes.
I breathed a sigh of relief. False alarm.
Lane’s ears flattened. “Buck.”
“Alright, Lane,”Caramel laughed. “Spill the beans.”
Lane leant forward with a sight, collecting all the cards as he went into his story. “Right, so for H & H I asked out one of the girls in my squad on the weather team, Merry May. We’ve flown around a lot together, and she’s fairly fit, so I thought we’d go flying. We’ve done around town, so we went out further and ended up near Ghastly Gorge.”
I blinked. “That’s practically on the other side of the Everfree Forest, and almost as dangerous.” The place was a good hour’s walk away, and close enough to share monsters with the Everfree.
“The boss always said it was dangerous,” Lane shrugged. “But she also says it’s one of the best places to practice flying. So when Merry and I flew over it, I challenged her to a race.”
Cranky harrumphed. “You lost didn’t you?”
Thunderlane balked. “She didn’t win by much, and I was slowed down when a quarray eel got a hold of my tail—”
As one the entire table looked over at Lane’s behind. The hair was cut really short and barely covered the dock of his tail.
Lane hid what was left of his tail behind his flank. “It-It’s nothing. Short tails are in this season.”
“Uh-huh,” I said. “Who told you that?”
“I heard Rarity say it.”
I thought about pushing the point, but decided he’d suffered enough. “Well, it doesn’t look too bad. Anyway, we can’t complain about a short tails.” I smiled and gave my own a flick.
Thunderlane dealt out the cards again with his wings. I again tried to figure out how he was doing that, but it was as much a mystery to me as unicorn magic. I flipped my new cards onto the stand and found myself with a 1 and a 3. Too low. Even if I had a pair it wouldn’t carry enough weight to be worth a bet. Not wasting time, I announced, “I fold,” and flipped the cards back off my stand. Cranky did the same.
Thunderlane opened, saying, “I’ll raise. Anypony want to match?”
“Ehyup,” Mac said and pushed his own chips into the pot.
“I think I can,” Caramel said as he followed.
A deft flick from Thunderlane’s wing flipped the first three house cards over. Much to the pegasus’s dismay as he revealed a 3 and a pair of 5’s. “Lame,” he said as he flicked his cards over.
Big Mac turned to face Caramel over Winona’s chair. Mac’s one of the best players around, mostly a combination of his permanent poker face and the ability to spot a pony bluffing from three tables away. He tends to figure out what ponies have very quickly and will bow out early, or go on to win.
Caramel, on the other hoof, is a bit like a sheep. Not that I’m trying to offend the sheep here, but he’s a bit easy to herd. It makes him a good farm assistant, but not a poker player.
“Raise,” Mac said as he pushed a small pile of chips into the pot.
Caramel glanced at his the cards and house's before he said, “I’ll match.”
Lane leant forward to flip cards again and I asked him, “So, Lane, what happened next?”
“Merry freaked when she found how what happened to me.” Lane sank back into his chair once he flipped the card. “She said I was reckless and shouldn’t have talked her into running the Gorge. Once she stopped, we flew back home and we haven’t spoken since.”
“Well…” I’d guess that the not speaking was probably Lane being embarrassed about what happened, but it was worth looking into it to see if Merry would be willing to try again on a safer date. “It could have been worse. You should probably send her an apology note.”
“Why?” Lane asked.
Caramel looked away from his duel with Mac to say, “Because it’s a nice gesture.”
Mac added, “Ehyup” and then he hoofed some chips forward. “Raise”.
“I’ll call that,” Caramel answered.
“I’ll give her a note tomorrow then,” Thunderlane said. His ears drooping with a sigh, “Not that it’ll do any good. I’ve practically tried dating everypony on the weather team now.”
“Nothing ventured, nothing gained,” I said with a shrug. “And it’s not like you’re risking anything.”
“My rep,” Lane countered.
I swallowed my own retort, I can only do so much damage to Lane’s ego before it breaks, and if I do that he won’t have anything left.
“How’s it going over there?” I asked the duelling duo.
“Good,” Caramel replied, not looking away from his staring contest with Mac. “I’m about to win.”
“Nope,” Mac replied and Winona added a bark in support.
Cranky grunted. “The dog doesn’t think you’ll win.”
“Don’t believe her,” Caramel said flatly. “She’s just agreeing with Mac so she’ll get a treat later. She’s not smart enough to play poker.”
Lane leant forward to flip the last card and Mac raised the stakes. Caramel met them and then laid his cards on the table. Mac grinned and turned his over.
Caramel had two threes and a pair of house fives, giving him two pairs. Mac had one of his own fives, combined with the two house fives to give him three of a kind. Mac didn’t say anything as he leant forward to rake in his pile of chips while Caramel face-planted into his remaining pile.
“Lane, deal Winona in next round,” I said with a grin.
“Sure,” Lane said as he gathered up the cards again. “She can share Mac’s chips. He’s got plenty.”
“Ehyup,” Mac said from behind his mini-fort. He had the largest pile now that he’d added almost half of Caramel’s to it, and despite the lack of facial expression I could feel the waves of smugness coming off him.
As Lane started dealing again I asked, “Anything interesting happen while I was gone this week?”
Lane paused to shrug before he continued dealing. “Dash and Pinkie Pie hitched up and started throwing pranks and partying all the time. Rumour is that’s why Cloud and Blossom got promoted this morning.” He sighed as he gave Winona her cards. “Now I have two bosses to deal with, Dash and Blossom.”
I gave him a sympathetic look, “I feel for you, Lane, but as long as you stay in line you’ll be fine.” I tapped the table as a thought struck, “Oh, and keep the thunderclouds away from Ditzy. The Mayor is still complaining about having to get town hall rebuilt.”
“That was totally not my fault,” Lane objected, taking the accusation more personally than I intended. “I counted all our thunderheads after and we hadn’t lost any. I have no idea where she even got that cloud from.”
“Rogue out of the Everfree?” I asked.
“Probably. It wasn’t one of ours,” Lane said. “And you can bet that I keep a good eye on them now.”
As you might guess, Thunderlane’s talent and mark were thundercloud themed so presumably they were important to him for some reason.
“Good,” I replied before turning to the others. “Anypony else got anything to share?”
“It’s your turn,” Cranky complained.
I looked down at my cards – a 6 and 9 – as well as the pot. The number of chips confused me for a moment. “Did Winona actually bet?” I got a nod from Mac and a happy bark from the dog. “I’ll match,” I said as I pushed my chips in. “So, somepony else was going to tell me about what’s been happening around town?”
“Well,” Caramel said as he brought a hoof to chin in thought. “I’ve got something I could talk about, but you probably want to hear Big Mac’s story first.” Then he threw a sly grin in Mac’s direction.
“Ah’m sure you’re not interested,” Mac deflected.
The quick response got my interest, as well as Lane’s. “Is this the story I keep hearing about?” Lane asked. “Tell us, Mac, I wanna find out what actually happened.”
Big Mac looked around at the table nervously. Everypony, and Winona, was looking at him with anticipation. He sighed, “Alright. Do y’all know my little sister and her friends?”
Everypony nodded. I was familiar with their reputation together, but I had only met Apple Bloom personally. There’s a reason I wait until it’s Big Mac’s turn to run the market stall before I buy my apples.
Mac continued, “Apple Bloom and her friends decided that their teacher, Cheerilee, needed a special somepony for Hearts and Hooves day.”
“They actually managed to get her past Applejack?” I asked with a chuckle. Big Mac’s the biggest, and strongest, guy in town so he’s basically its most eligible bachelor. Something that Applejack is apparently trying to maintain. Big Mac glared at me for my comment and I replied, “Sorry, continue.”
“Somehow they made a love potion, and when they got us together they had us drink it.” Mac paused, presumably to catch his breath, and then continued, “A’h don’t remember anything after that, but by the time they fixed it we were about to get hitched.”
“Married?” I asked with surprise. “That must have been a very powerful potion.”
It was probably illegal too, and might have gotten them in big trouble if they hadn’t been kids. The unicorns had laws written in big angry red letters against any form of non-consensual mind-magic. Then again, they had one of those for time travel and I’ve never listened to that.
Thunderlane snorted, “Enough to get Mac to call her his, ‘hearty-smarty smoochy-woochy baby-waby’ in public.”
“What?” I said as I burst into laughter with the rest of the table and Mac went a little redder. “Yeah, it would take a love potion to do that.”
Caramel snorted, “Yeah, it was also strong enough that Mac managed to drag Berry’s house down Saddle Street.”
“Really?” I looked over at Mac, he nodded. “Well that explains that.” I brought a hoof to my chin, “I was wondering how that happened.”
“Afterward me and Cheerilee had a picnic,” Mac continued on in spite of us. “Ah might also have asked her out to dinner in a couple of nights.”
“Congratulations,” I said. It was good news, Mac doesn’t get out much.
“Gratz, dude,” Lane said in distant echo of me. “Might wanna make sure you say more than ‘ehyup’ and ‘nope’ though.”
I nodded, “Make sure Applejack doesn’t try talking you out of this either. Better yet, don’t let her know about it.” The last thing we needed was for her to try keeping him away from his date.
“Ehyup,” Mac agreed with an emphatic nod.
“Yeah,” I said, “the last thing you need—wait a tick, where’s Winona?”
The table looked toward the empty seat and then looked around for her. The barn’s door was open enough for her to have snuck out. Caramel saw the door and came to the same conclusion I did. “Do you think she’s going to go tell Applejack?”
I reached over and flipped Winona’s cards over to reveal the Princesses of Apples and Diamonds. “Well she gave up an almost guaranteed win.”
Mac coughed, “Those are mah cards now.”
“I fold”, Caramel announced and everypony else followed suit. Mac raked in another pile of chips and put himself even further in the lead.
Lane reached forward to start dealing out the cards again. As he was doing that I looked over to Caramel. “You said you had a story to tell as well?”
“Yeah, well, you guys are all talking about what you did on H&H.” He gave a little shrug. “Mine’s not as good, but I suppose I can tell it anyway.” Caramel took a set of cards from Lane and put them on his stand before continuing, “Colgate was a little down and so we went out as friends on a walk together.”
“The Dentist?” Thunderlane asked as he passed me a pair of cards.
“Yeah. We just walked around and talked about all the couples we saw together. We didn’t get any lunch so I got a box of chocolates for us to share from a market stand as we passed. You can only get the good stuff around H&H, I couldn’t resist,” he added.
I was looking down at my cards – a 2 and a 4 – when a thought struck me. “Hold on, Caramel.” My voice took on an accusatory tone, “You bought her chocolates?”
“Yeah,” Caramel said bemusedly. “She was disappointed when we found all the café tables had been reserved, and she said she was getting hungry as we passed the stand.” He brought a hoof to his chin. “Though it probably wasn’t a good idea, she ended up having to go home and brush her teeth because she was scared she’d damage them.” He shrugged, “Dentists take their work a bit too seriously sometimes.”
I tapped a hoof on the tabletop in thought for a moment. “Alright, let me get this straight,” I began. “You went for a walk with a mare who was alone on H&H day, which would mean she didn’t have a colt friend.”
“Yeah.”
“You talked, at length, about other couples in middle of romantic dates.”
“Yeah.”
“You tried to take her to a café.”
“They didn’t have room, but yeah.”
“Then as soon as she said, ‘I’m hungry’ you went and bought her a box of chocolates.”
“It was for both of us.”
I nodded. “So you shared it. She’s a unicorn, right?”
“Yeah.”
“So I’m guessing she fed them to you as you walked, and ate them herself despite being a cleanliness-obsessed dentist.”
“Yeah…” and his face fell flat at it hit, “oh.”
I gave him a smile. “You’re catching on. Did she start walking closer, and perhaps even nudging or touching you?”
“She did.” Caramel almost sounded resigned.
Thunderlane started to laugh. “Dude, she totally has the hots for you.”
Caramel groaned as he buried his face in his hooves. “What was I thinking?”
“You weren’t,” I surmised.
Lane cuffed me on the shoulder. “Dude, harsh,” he said.
I turned my head aside to give Lane an apologetic look, “I didn’t mean to insult Caramel. I was being literal.” I looked back across the table. “Caramel, it’s not really your fault. She drove you into it.”
Caramel looked up from his hooves with a quizzical look on his face, “Uhh, what?”
“She made you do all that.” I shrugged, “Though I don’t know if she intended to.” The table listened intently. “Not to insult you, Caramel, but you’re fairly easy to lead. Big Mac just led you into a trap a few rounds ago and took most of your chips almost without saying anything.
“Hearts and Hooves day is almost like poker, it’s all about making pairs. Colgate’s alone on the most romantic day of the year, sees her friends getting pairs together and subconsciously she’s thinking, ‘I need a colt in my life’,” I tipped my head to the side, “though she’d deny it if you asked her. So, now she’s looking around,” I said while miming the action. “And she spots somepony she knows, a colt, alone on this of all days.”
“Especially since Sassaflash was out of town…” Lane murmured as he rolled his eyes.
Ignoring Lane, I continued, “So she comes up to you and says.” I put on a bad impression, “‘Hi Caramel, nice day isn’t it? It’s sunny, the birds and bees are flying around, and the weather team put a rainbow up. Want to go for a walk?’ You, being a gentlecolt decide, ‘Sure, it’d be nice’ and then you walk off together.” I slid a card around in circles on the table, “It’s all innocent still, you’re just walking around and, since the day is that day, you naturally talk about everypony around you. Of course this is nudging Colgate’s subconscious along as well. You both work up an appetite and see the café ahead of you. Perhaps she mentions food. You go in, find no room, and walk out.”
“And now,” Lane added, “You’re even hungrier because you saw all the food in the café.”
“Just so,” I nod in Lane’s direction. “Of course any stall actually open on H&H has a romantic theme with roses and chocolates, the good ones. Colgate’s subconscious pokes her saying, ‘Wouldn’t chocolate be good right now?’ so her tummy rumbles and she says she’s hungry. You, again being a gentlecolt, decide to fix her hunger and your own at the same time by using the nearest food source.”
I shake my head with a smile, “And now the damage is done. She’s suddenly thinking, ‘He’s being nice and it’s Hearts and Hooves day.” I laid my head against my arm in an impression of a love-struck mare, “Does he like me? Could he?” a light titter in my voice. “‘Oh, I do so dearly hope that it is so!’ and so she starts walking a little closer while giving a few ‘subtle’ hints. You don’t respond, but you don’t push her away either and now everything you do has romantic undertone you never intended.”
Caramel had his head in his hooves and staring blankly off into the distance. It’s the kind of look that you wear when everything falls into place and you don’t like the results.
Then Cranky decided to say what we were all thinking, “You’re doomed.”
“Ehyup.”
“What do I do?” Caramel asked. “We’re just friends and I want to keep it that way.”
I scratched the back of my neck and thought for a moment. Knowing Caramel it was apparent that in an actual relationship it would be Colgate running the show. She’d have him on a leash and probably never realize it. Caramel would start to resist after a while, and Colgate would end up forcing him along into a loveless relationship, or marriage.
I clicked my tongue. “Not much you can do, Caramel. It’s already started and now the best thing to do is to avoid anything romantic. Don’t meet or talk to her alone, keep others around.” I breathed in and held before finishing, “Give it some time and let her start doubting it. Hopefully, it will pass.”
“Alright,” Caramel said with a nod, “I’ll try. Hard to believe this could happen so easily.”
I snorted, “There’s no such thing as being ‘friendly’ when you’re alone with somepony else on Hearts and Hooves day.”
“Yeah,” Thunderlane agreed. “But I thought you had a ‘friendly’ lunch planned with Ditzy on H&H as well.” Lane leaned over toward me. “At least before you ran away.”
Yeah, ‘friendly’, I thought to myself. I’d been trying to avoid thinking about that all week. “A lunch I never had. She had a message in her bag calling me out to Manehatten, and I had to leave right away.”
“I’m starting to wonder,” Lane said with a questioning tone. “Did you plant that message there just so you could get out of that date?”
I looked over with genuine shock, “Do you really think I’m that underhoofed?”
Thunderlane looked away and wouldn’t meet my gaze. None of the others would either. I slumped back in my seat. There wasn’t any way to convince them otherwise.
I looked back at the forgotten game of poker sitting in front of us. I wasn’t badly off, but Mac had a commanding lead over everypony else. I fiddled with the cards I had.
“So,” Thunderlane asked as he left the word hanging in the air for a minute. “It’s your turn to tell us something.”
I looked around at the table, I suppose it is. They probably wanted to find out what I was doing in Manehatten, but that wasn’t on the table. I suppose I do need to tell them something. I thought for a little bit before asking, “What do you guys know about Carrot Top?”
Caramel answered the question, “She owns the farm on the western border of Sweet Apple. She mostly farms carrots and similar root vegetables by herself without much in the way of help.”
“Gets less rain as well,” Thunderlane added. “Carrots don’t need as much as other crops so we only give her a couple of showers each week.”
“Applejack ain’t fond of her,” Big Mac said in his slow drawl. “There’s a rivalry, but ah don’t have anything against her.”
“Well,” I said, “She slipped me a note the other day with a free cake after I complimented her carrots.” I closed my eyes to focus on remembering it. “It said, and I quote, ‘I’d love it if you’d come around to the farm sometime. It’d be nice to chat over some coffee, and I could show you some of the things I can do with those carrots you like.’” I tapped the table, “What do you guys think?”
Big Mac went straight for the key point, “She said love.” It was used innocently, but it could easily have been a mental slip hinting at her intentions.
“I’m interested in the bit about carrots,” Lane said as he leaned forward against the table. “There’s probably a lot she could do.”
I nodded, “It was a very good cake, moist and fluffy.”
“Her muffins would probably be like that too,” Lane said. “And if she’s out there alone with her vegetables all the time, then using them would probably be right up her alley.”
“Her cooking’s probably very wholesome.”
“Yeah,” Lane said with an nod. “The short and sweet stuff around town is fine and all, but sometimes a colt just wants a huge, satisfying meal chock full of vegetables.”
“She makes a good plowpony pie,” Mac drawled. Though I was wondering how he knew that.
“That sounds good,” Lane said with a bit of longing in his voice. “Turner, you gotta accept that invitation. Then stay for dinner, and get me a piece of that.” He leaned over and put his hooves together to beg, “Please, I can’t cook to save my life.”
“I’m a bit worried about that.” I shook my head. “Every mare’s been told the way to a stallion’s heart is through the stomach. What am I going to do if there’s a three course meal waiting for me?”
“Just eat it,” Lane said as he threw his arm out in disbelief. “Honestly I don’t get why you’re so worried about this.”
“You shouldn’t,” Caramel added, shrugged and continued, “She might just be lonely and want somepony to talk to.”
I snorted and retorted, “Says the stallion that accidently had a mare fall in love with him.”
“Oh,” Lane said with a sharp laugh. “Says the pony that’s afraid somepony might actually care for him.” I opened my mouth but found I didn’t have anything to say to that. “Maybe I should play hard to get,” Lane said bitterly. “It seems to work for you.” I leant back in my seat while Thunderlane lent forward with his wings unfurled. “Do you know how hard it is to get an opening like that?” Lane asked. “Don’t refuse it.”
“Who said it was an ‘opening’?” Caramel countered. “It’s just an invitation to lunch, nothing will happen.”
I held up my hooves, “Alright, let’s take a vote: Who thinks I should visit Carrot Top at her farm tomorrow?”
A chorus sounded, “Yeah”, “Mhmm”, and “Ehyup”.
I blinked. “You think I should, Mac?”
Mac nodded and said, “Ah think she could use the company.”
“Well that’s three out of four.” I shrugged. “I’ll go visit her tomorrow afternoon then.” Thinking over the responses I looked to my right, “So what do you think Cranky—oh.”
Cranky had fallen asleep at some point, his head resting on his pile of chips from the long-forgotten poker game. I slipped my fedora off my head and onto the table. I kept my watch and a few other things under it when I didn’t have my bags with me. It’s also a great place to hide lock picks for… situations.
“It’s nine forty-six.” I put my hat back on, “I suppose it is getting late.” Looking around I noticed that most ponies from the other tables had drifted off as well.
“Yeah, I got work tomorrow morning,” Lane admitted as he stood and stretched out his wings. “Gotta cosy up to my new boss.”
“Don’t go too far,” Caramel warned Lane. “She probably gets enough awkwardness from being around Cloud. Don’t add to it.”
“Yeah, my job’s awesome so don’t worry, I’m not gonna blow it.”
“Not to interrupt, but what are we going to do with Cranky?” I asked pointing at the dozing donkey.
“Ah’ll take care of it,” Mac offered. He stood up and took a swig of the last cup of cider.
“I’ll give you a hoof,” Caramel added. “He’s not far from my place.”
I arched an eyebrow. “Are you sure you’re okay carrying him all that way?”
Mac didn’t comment, but Caramel replied, “Mac pulled Berry’s house down a street. I’m sure he can manage Cranky.”
I glared blankly at Caramel while resisting the urge to facehoof. “No, if he’s okay walking across town and back, not if he can carry an old donkey.”
“My guest, my job,” Big Mac said.
“Alright,” I stood. “Come on, Lane, let’s go.” I nodded at Mac, “Thank you for the evening.” Mac simply nodded back and I left the barn with Lane.
We walked up the track to the farm front gate in silence. I took a moment to appreciate the eeriness of the orchard in the moonlight. It was brighter than it used to be. I suppose there was more light coming off the moon now that the mare that once covered it was now gone, and Princess Luna was probably trying to encourage more nightlife with a brighter moon. Though more light also means more shadows and that just served to make things eerier.
“So, Thunderlane,” I asked. “Do you want my help?”
“Hmm?” Lane raised an eyebrow – or at least I think he did. He’s hard to see in the dark.
“Next time you want to try dating,” I clarified. “I can’t do it for you, but I can give hints and make sure nothing goes wrong.”
He shrugged, “Might as well. It’s not like you could make it worse.”
“Not likely,” I noted truthfully. “But I could help.”
“I’ll tell ya next time I get a date then.” Lane yawned and nearly bumped into me as we walked.
“You alright?”
“Yeah, just need to get home,” he said through the tail end of his yawn. He opened his wings and gave them a flap. “See ya later, bud.”
“Goodnight, Lane.” With that said, Lane took off into the air with only a slight wobble.
Alone, I continued walking in silence as I passed Carrot Top’s farm. Without many trees to block the view, you could see across the entire farm to where it met Sweet Apple Acres.
The farmhouse itself stood by itself in what seemed like a featureless plain in the dark. There wasn’t any lantern light in the windows, so Carrot Top was probably already asleep like most farmers around Ponyville. Mac had said she lived alone out here so I could appreciate that she’d enjoy having a guest around.
I soon reached town and made my way along Saddle Street to Stirrup before coming back to my house. I reached my door and at pushed the handle, only to find it locked. I rolled my eyes. The old habits die hard. Not many ponies around here bother to lock their doors, but I’m still jaded enough from the time I spent in Canterlot that I still lock the door by reflex whenever I go out. I flipped my hat onto my hoof to find my keys and found their spot empty.
“Oh, come on.” I gave the door another useless push. Looks like I’ll have to go get the spare off Ditzy. I turned around to walk across the street when there was a flash and a loud crack from behind me.
I jumped around on reflex to try and see where the noise had come from. The world was silent for a moment before I heard a mechanism turn as my door opened.
A familiar tan stallion with a fetching mane cut stepped out of the door. “Hello there,” he said to me.
My face fell. “Oh Celestia,” I sighed. “What is it this time?”
He brought a hoof to his chest in mock shock. “I come all the way from the future to open our door and this is the thanks I get?”
The problem with meeting your future self is that your future self is always insufferably smug. They know how things go and love to rub it in.
“You didn’t need to,” I told Future Time Turner. I pointed over my shoulder and added, “I could have just gotten the spare from Ditzy.”
“But you would have been interrupting the magic,” Future said to me. He walked forward, turned me around, put a hoof on my shoulder and pointed toward Ditzy’s house. “Right now Cloud Kicker is solving your problem.” Then he paused and half-shrugged. “For now at least.”
“So they’re…”
“…eating muffins,” Future finished.
I scrunched my face up a bit. “That’s a terrible way to put it.”
Future gave me a pat on the back. “I know, but get used to it.” His voice flattened. “Because they’re never going to stop saying that now.” He lifted my hat and looked at my watch. “I got about forty seconds before I get pulled back.” He dropped my hat. “Come on,” he said and ran inside.
I hate this, and we both know it, but that didn’t stop me following him. I’d spent a lot of time when I was younger trying to figure out how he was doing these minute-long trips, but I never managed to do more than my short time turns. I’d asked Future Turner about it on a previous meeting and he’d simply said “Spoilers”, the annoying git. I still needed to pay attention though. I’d have to do this myself someday, and these visits were usually to deliver cryptic advice that wouldn’t make sense until the right time.
Future Turner led me into our kitchen and opened up my fridge to look inside. “Ha, I still remember when I was like this.” He found it amusing, and I didn’t – yet.
“And the point?” I asked.
“You can learn a lot about a pony from the contents of their fridge,” he quipped. I couldn’t figure out what was so amusing about inter-mold genocide.
Future caught my sceptical look and dropped the amused tone from his voice. “Always check the fridges, that’s important.”
“Alright,” I replied noncommittally and he rolled his eyes.
“I’m just as bad as I remember,” he grumbled at me, before grinning again. “But don’t worry, you get over it.” I blinked twice in response. “Alright, last thing: Siren will be needing your help again soon.”
“Really?” I asked with surprise. “This soon after—“The words caught in my mouth. I sighed and instead said, “Her stupid mental block.”
Future nodded. “This time, you’ll want to have somepony with you. You’ll be rather grateful for the help when the time comes.”
“Noted.”
Sparks started fill the air the air around Future Turner. “Ah, that’s my cue,” Future said and gave me a wave. “Best of luck with your upcoming endeavours.” Light surrounded him. “Oh, and sorry about the mess.”
“What—”
A flash of light filled the room. I was briefly blinded and stumbled backwards on reflex; ramming my flank into my cupboard and knocking a bag of flour from the top shelf down. The bag split open and covered me and the rest of my kitchen in white powder.
The worst part was that I knew he intended to do that.
I groaned loudly as I looked at the mess. “That son of a—Damn it!”
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If Twilight ever notices what Time Turner can do...
But that could be the source of his ability to do long jumps.
Anyways good chapter.
Poor Turner. And that upcoming date with Carrot, I smell shenanigans.
This is really good.
I gotta read you other stuff as well. 
2931766 Our shenanigans are witty and funny his shenanigans are evil...evil shenanigans
Hints from your future self. Even if he is an ass he's still awesome. Hope we learn more about it while turner deals with the drama of ponyville.
Kicker Hearts, Rarity Diamonds, Applejack Apples and...? Missing a suit there mate :D
2932350
Previous paragraph: Rainbow Dash, Wings. Replacing Luna.
2932360 huuuh, missed that bit. Funny thing is I distinctly remember reading the paragraph, but totally forgetting it mentioned a new suit.
Nice
Hope to see another chapter soon.
Haha awesome
As always, your temporal hijinx with Turner are fun and intriguing. Keep it up, Rody!
MOAR
please
2932360
Was Luna still on the cards when she was Nightmare moon?
My intrigue concerning the good doctor grows greater. Keep up the great work!
A bit of a continuity error; she and Caramel were nuzzling in the episode. Could we assume Sash said she was going out of town to get Lane off her back, then went out with pegasus Caramel ?
2935367
Unlikely. The official sets change as well. Cards issued before Cadence's own ascension would have simply been Princess Celestia in different poses. The current official set uses all three princesses with the remaining going to the prince. Presumably there would be a push the year after to have Prince Shining Armor instead of Prince Blueblood and the year after that they'd probably try to find a way to feature Princess Twilight on there.
These card printers are making a ton of bits right now.
2936448
Just making a meta joke there about how the Winningverse entirely forgot about that. But all is not lost, Caramel is obviously not fully participating in his 'relationship' with Colgate.
Like with Pinkie's sign; perhaps if I didn't bring it up at all, nopony would have noticed.
I did notice it in Winning Lyrist, but didn't bother commenting. Figured Caramel had ample time to meet up with Sash at some point after his 'date' with Colgate and there was no statement concerning Sash's whereabouts to render it impossible.
Oh well, wibbly wobbly
Future Turner is a bit of a jerk to Present Turner.
I'm interested in seeing where this goes now that everything seems to be getting set up for the story.
2938595
Eh, Future Turner's only a jerk because when he was Present Turner his own Future Turner was a jerk. You know, "preserving stable time-loops" and all that jazz.
Ahem.
IHATETIMETRAVELIHATETIMETRAVELIHATETIMETRAVELIHATETIMETRAVELIHATETIMETRAVEL.
Ah, that's better.
Then present turner slipped on the flour causing him to hit head on the counter killing him. Then the grandfather paradox happens and marty has to play at the enchantment under the sea dance were he then had to make sure his father kissed his mother and then bill and teed drop by and OW my head.
Ok i have obviously read too much winning pony cuz throughout the entire conversation of carrot top i was laughing my butt off thinking of the innuendo and double entandres that was being used until i realized that THEY WERE ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT FOOD after which i was stuck laughing at my own perverted mind lol (I'm not a clopper by any means i just love perverted jokes)
2956860
Are you sure they were just talking about food?
2961726
L lol i don't even know anymore
2962408
This is the Winningverse. I err on the side of caution: everything is innuendo.
2962440
Got that right man
2962482
But you know, I wouldn't have it any other way.
2962496
Got that right man lol :brohoof /)
Eheheheh.
2956860 2961726
They were just talking about food, you're all just seeing things.
2965641
Suuure.
I just can't get over how badass this Time Turner is.
Dude, you're doing an awesome job.
I'm not that good at figuring out innuendos.
Was future Turner actually talking about muffins or what?
Curse this pure, untainted brain of mine.
3054846
Eating "muffins" isn't really an innuendo.
However Cloud Kicker used it in that context and it has become one, much to Time Turner's – present and future – annoyance. Cloud work might be Cloud's special talent, but her real gift is in making innuendo out of things that are entirely unrelated .
3054873
So um, is that like, a yes or a no? Naughty or not? Were Derpy and Cloud doing things that should not be discussed in a public setting or am I being a numbskull?
3055016
Very much yes. In fact that is the start of their relationship as depicted in Life and Times of a Winning Pony.
So Derpy is now officially single again in the Winningverse. As much as I loved the Cloud/Derpy ship I have to agree that Blossom/Cloud is probably the right relation. Still that leaves only one pony that can be an acceptable lover for Derpy. I'm looking at you Time Turner!!!
So I fully expect to see some dating with Derpy later, till then good luck with figuring out stuff with Carrot Top, Colgate, Cloud Kicker, and your Future self. Please write more of this!
Now this is the stallion Winningverse story that I didn't even know I was needing. Great to finally see the guys get their time in the spotlight.
I really liked the detail about the card decks. A small part of the story, but nice world building all the same. Winona playing cards was pretty awesome as well.
A fic focusing on the stallions? A first for me and I am loving it.
Favorite line:
Worst part about future you being an asshole is you can't even say anything because anything you say would essentially be you insulting yourself.
Very nice chapter! Looking forward to seeing what fridges have to do with anything o.o