The Pony Who Is A Cynical Optimist
Victory feels great, when it’s not too painful.
I’d had a rough week in Manehatten. But finally, I was home. Nopony can keep running forever, because eventually you need to sit down and let the bruises heal.
Stepping off the train, I took a moment to smell the warm rustic air: apple with just a hint of cinnamon. Luna, it’s good to be home. My legs nearly collapsed as I climbed down from the train station’s platform. They felt stiff like somepony had frozen them or turned the bones to lead. I’d overworked them far too much on this trip, and during the long train ride home they’d unionized and started strike action.
It wasn’t too far to go to get home now, I just had to keep walking.
Turning down Stirrup Street, I ran into a crowd gathered for an impromptu musical number. Led by Pinkie Pie with backing vocals from half the mares in town.
“Come on everypony, smile smile smile.
Fill my heart up with sunshine, sunshine.
All I really need’s a smile smile smile,
from these happy friends of mine!”
It put a smile back on my face, and I walked home whistling the tune. It’s amazing how Pinkie can take a load off your back without even trying.
My house is a nice two story affair on Stirrup Street. I’d bought it a couple of years ago after I moved here from Canterlot to escape some ‘trouble’ I had with some nasty types. Ponyville was a good place to lay low and I quickly decided to make my stay permanent. The house was vacant, I had the bits, and we’ve gotten along very well since.
The key unlocked my door with the smooth movement that takes a few hours of boredom to achieve, but not as long as it takes to set all the clocks properly. A few had stopped while I was gone. Normally I’d have pre-set them, but it’d been an emergency and I had to run to make the train. That reminded me: I’d have to apologize to Ditzy for running off like that on Hearts and Hooves day of all times. I was not looking forward to that.
I’d just hung my bags up when a rapid series of knocks hit the door behind me. My money was on it being…
The moment I touched the door it flew open with a confetti explosion. “Hi, Time Turner,” Pinkie Pie said with a grin. “I noticed you were back, here.” She passed me a pink envelope. “Gotta go make Cranky smile now, bye.” Without another word said she disappeared off.
The pink envelope held a, shockingly, pink invitation that read, “You are cordially invited to the, ‘Time Turner’s back from his mysterious trip to Manehatten Party.’” I shrugged. “Good an excuse as any.”
I went down the hallway toward my kitchen and gave every pendulum clock along the way a push to get them ticking properly again, setting them could come later. The kitchen was just as I left it, the fridge, not so much . I hadn’t done my normal pre-trip clean out either, but then there wasn't much left in there anyway.
The milk had gone bad, and mould had grown out of the yoghurt tub to invade the new civilization developing in the fruit basket. I shut the fridge. Good thing there was a party this evening, because I’d need something to eat later.
So I had get my lunch from somewhere else, then I’d have to restock the fridge and pantry, not to mention syncing all the clocks. It would take a while, and my legs ached just thinking about it.
One problem at a time, I decided. A twinge of pain from one of my legs suggested some prioritization would be a good idea.
So I spoiled myself. I’d got a fruit salad and followed it up with a pie from Sugar Cube Corner. A pie made of solid caramel, topped with cream, chocolate and a cherry on top. It had enough sugar in it to give the town dentist anaphylactic shock.
Then I went over to the spa to relax, and found myself sharing a tub with a bald donkey. We barely spoke and simply relaxed in the warm soapy water. I know it was doing wonders for the strain I’d built up on my trip. The rising bubbles took my pains away with a satisfied sigh.
The donkey opposite echoed my sentiment, I had a feeling he needed some time in here too.
“So.” I set myself against the side of the tub. “What brings you to Ponyville?” New arrivals are still infrequent enough in Ponyville that you can easily spot them. I know all the faces around Ponyville, if not their names.
“Retirement,” the donkey replied. He had the ‘just got out of bed’ grouch undertone and looked old enough to be complaining about ‘kids these days’. “To settle down with my memories and enjoy the peace and quiet.”
“Ponyville’s a good place for that.” I took a sip from the complimentary drink on the side of the tub. “It’s peaceful, relaxing and a good place to rest. At the same time it isn’t boring, because there’s always something happening.”
The donkey grumbled, “Like what?”
“The usual stuff,” I said with a shrug. “Giant animal attacks, weird visitors, the occasional weather trouble out of the Everfree, that time some gremlins set a troll cloud up over the town, and the occasional malicious spirit of chaos and/or darkness.” I scratched my head. “Oh, there was also a butterfly migration recently.”
“Is that all?” The donkey said flatly.
“There are regular parties, sudden sing-alongs, good ponies, friendship and Pinkie Pie.” I brought a hoof up to my chin. “Actually, that’s mostly Pinkie.”
“We’ve met,” he sighed.
I chuckled. “Don’t worry, she’s harmless, and if you see her do something you don’t understand, don’t question it.” The smile on my face disappeared. “Seriously. Don’t. Take it from somepony who tried.”
“Then why are you still living here?” The donkey asked. “I’m not so sure about it anymore.”
“It’s fun here,” I said with a shrug. “Give the place time and it’ll grow on you.”
“I’ve bought the house. I might as well try to live here.” He sighed and quietly added, “I haven’t had any luck anywhere else.”
You can’t change the past, but I knew a way to make him a little more welcome. “You could always join the Ponyville Gentlecolt’s Society. We’re getting together for our weekly Poker Night on Friday at Sweet Apple Acres, you’re welcome to come.”
“A Gentlecolt’s Society, what’s it for?”
“Oh, it’s just a chance for stallions to get together, talk, drink and generally do stuff without mares and their disapproving glares,” I said finishing on a grin.
“What about Pinkie?”
“We made her promise not to get involved. So that basically means it’s the only place in Ponyville you won’t find Pinkie Pie.”
“Sounds good,” he said as he laid back in the water. “I think I’ll join.”
A door opened and the spa twins walked in. Lotus came over and said, “Monsieur Cranky, it is time for your massage.”
“Alright,” Cranky said and looked over at me. “I’ll see you on Friday then.”
“Looking forward to it,” I replied.
Aloe came around the tub to speak to me, “Monsieur Turner, we shall be ready for you once we are done with monsieur Cranky.”
“No rush,” I said as I slid myself deeper under the water.
The massage worked out a lot of tension I’d built up and the bath had done wonders for the stiffness. I asked Aloe about what made the bath so relaxing and she said they’d been using an, ‘invigorating herbal brew to take worries away from you’. It was probably Zecora’s work if the rhyme was any indication. It would be worth paying her a visit and to find out what else she might have available.
The spa left me with a shine in my coat and a spring in my step. Today was a good day.
A glance at the nearest clock told me the time. Part of being the town’s Timekeeper means that I’ve set most of the clocks here at some point. So I know where they all are. For example, I was looking at a small cuckoo clock in the front room of Berry Punch’s house. Though I wasn’t sure why it was here and not further down the road where it was last week.
It was only twenty three minutes past four pm, I had time and more spending money from my trip. So I started browsing some of the stores on Main Street, there had to be something worth buying somewhere.
Quills and sofas weren’t very attractive. I’d finally broken my current sofa in and it was just right. I also had a surplus of quills. My main quill was currently a light blue feather that Rainbow Dash had left behind when she’d crashed into the tree behind my house. Thankfully, the tree was alright after Rose took a look at it.
I considered something from Art and Antiques, but nothing caught my fancy. The only thing I really noticed was a clock that looked like it had seen better hours. I told the shopkeeper to bring it around someday for a touch-up.
The next store I went into was the local branch of Parties and Pranks, where I considered a few of their products against suitable targets. The sneezing powder is a particular favourite of mine. However, the problem with some pranks is that you need to buy with a suitable target that’s either a friend who’d enjoy it, or somepony that you wanted to prank as part of a grudge. With the former it couldn’t be anything too harsh, and with the latter you tend to find that turnabout is fair play.
I was considering a bucket of extremely sour jelly-foals when I felt a tap on my shoulder. Turning around, I was greeted by a face that only promised trouble; Mayor Mare, with a pleasant smile on her face.
“Time Turner, welcome back,” the Mayor said pleasantly.
The office of Timekeeper is part of the mayor’s office, which means the mayor is my boss. Technically it’s only supposed to be a ceremonial role, a title, and a small wage – a sinecure. My responsibilities are supposed to start at keeping the clock tower on time and finish at performing timekeeping for competitions, nothing more.
The Mayor’s own interpretation of the position meant that she also felt obligated to occasionally get me to run errands for her. These were often small, but troublesome. Back after the cider competition a while ago, I was the one who had to chase down Flim and Flam to make sure they gave up any claim to Sweet Apple Acres.
“Good to be back, Mayor,” I responded in the same pleasant tone.
“I was looking for you the other day, and I found the note that you left on your door.” A frown crossed her face. “I was rather disappointed to se that you’d run off again, but I’ve waited patiently. You see, I have problem…”
Here we go…
“…my watch has been running six minutes late for the past few days.” She produced a golden fob watch I’d made for her last year. “I’ve kept it wound like you said, but I don’t know why its six minutes late, or why it hasn’t changed since.”
“Hmm.” I took the watch and brought it up to my ear. The ticking was perfectly timed and I couldn’t hear any sounds that would indicate problems with the gears. “I’ll have to check this against the clock in the office.”
“Wonderful, I was just on my way back there now.” The Mayor smiled. “Shall we, or do you have something more important to do?”
I hate that question, because I rarely have anything urgent to do instead. Perils of the position and lifestyle I suppose. “Nothing right now,” I said neutrally.
“Come along then,” she said as she turned and walked toward the door. I sauntered out after her.
The Mayor led me down the street to the recently repaired town hall. It had been accidentally damaged by the weather team, and Ditzy, a while ago. There had been some difficulty in funding the repairs, but a mysterious fault in the royal treasury’s accounting gave the town a suspiciously accurate sum of bits that we ended up using to fix town hall.
When we sent a letter back to ask about the pile of bits, we got a reply saying, ‘we just don’t know what went wrong.’ Yeah, it’s a mystery.
One of these days I’ll have to ask Spike about what Twilight writes in the letters she sends to the princesses. I’ll bet she only gave town hall the barest mention once and it got fixed. She could write, ‘Oh, the dam has a crack in it again I hope it doesn’t burst.’ And before you could say, ‘Princess Celestia of Equestria’ there’d be a new dam built.
It would be funny if Twilight gets a crush on somepony and writes to the princess about it. The poor sucker would be caught, tied up and then sent to her with gift-wrapping.
I should probably avoid the library until that happens.
Following the Mayor into town hall, I took a deep breath to sample that new building smell as we walked over to the royal clock. The glass and gold timepiece is the standard gift that Princess Celestia gives to any new settlement. It’s hyper accurate, and will run for decades on a magical charge provided by the princess on a royal visit. It’s the master clock that the rest of the town’s clocks are supposed to follow.
“If you’d please, Mayor,” I held out a hoof and she put the watch on it. I put it up against my ear and put my other ear on the royal clock. I closed my eyes and let the tick of the two timepieces fill my mind. I relaxed everything else to concentrate on measuring the distance between successive ticks and tocks. Before you ask, no, it’s not my special talent, but it’s a vaguely related skill I’ve picked up through clock making.
First I listened to the tick and measured the difference, and then I did the same for the tock. By comparing the difference I could tell if the watch was running slow. It wasn’t by much – well within tolerances – but not enough to cause it to be six minutes late.
I wound the watch and reset it to the time on the royal before passing it back to the Mayor. “There’s nothing wrong with it. I’ve set the time properly again and wound it.”
“Then why was it running late?” The Mayor asked.
I considered my answer. There were three possibilities and I doubted that the mayor simply forgot to wind it. She’s sooner forget her own tail then forget it in her routine. “Well, either somepony changed the set time, or you walked into a temporal distortion field where time ran slower.” I shrugged. “I think we can assume the former.”
“Why would somepony change the time on my watch?” the mayor asked before she continued on with a note of fear in her voice, “What would they be after?” I closed my eyes and rolled them. Put somepony in authority and they start to get paranoid. Paranoia is only healthy when there really are ponies out to get you, like the ones after me.
“Mayor, never attribute to malice what can be attributed to stupidity,” I quoted. “It would have just been a simple accident of curiosity. They just played around with it and when they tried to set it properly again they were six minutes off.” I gave her a reassuring pat on the back, “It’s no big deal.”
“You say that, Time Turner,” the mayor said. “I’ve kept this watch with me at all times and now I’ve got to figure out who took it without me noticing.”
Right, she’s getting worse. Time get out of here. I looked around and checked the royal clock.
“Oh, would you look at the time,” I said. “I have to go get ready for my party tonight.”
The mayor looked at her watch, and then the royal clock. “It’s only five thirty; your party isn’t until seven.”
“What, you think this look comes easily?” I said with a brush of a hoof through my mane. “It takes maintenance and I need to look my best for tonight.” Actually it doesn’t. “It’s my party after all,” I finished.
“I suppose you’re right,” the mayor conceded. “At least I know I can trust you, you weren’t here when this happened.”
I gave her a nod and said, “I’ll see you later.” Then I walked briskly away as fast as I could without looking suspicious. Heading home to prepare was probably a good idea anyway, I’d have to find out where my tie was and give it a wash.
Outside the day had turned into the dull sunlight and clear sky of a perfect Ponyville evening. The only clouds in the sky were the pegasus cloud houses that the Cloudsdale natives on the weather team insist on, and the rest of the clouds had been tidied away with the usual efficiency so the plants could get some sun in before the next shower.
A good weather team is essential for a farming town like Ponyville, and since we’re close to Cloudsdale we get the best. Spare a thought for the poor earth ponies running farms in towns like Appleloosa. The weather out there is either wild or simply not present at all.
My walk home took me through the market again. It was getting late and most of the stalls were packing up or would be soon. The best time to strike a deal is when a farmer is tired and their thoughts are on dinner.
I looked around for a good mark. Ideally you want somepony who still has a lot of stock: A farmer who’s had a good day will raise their prices, but somepony who hasn’t sold much will cut you a deal just to avoid schlepping it all back home.
Neither Applejack nor Big Mac were here, they must have sold out. Rose’s stall was light on flowers and Azalea had already packed up. I was about to start walking again when I noticed the pile of orange on the other side of the street.
Carrot Top still had a stall full of carrots and carrot accessories. Carrots are a good long term storage food, which is an important consideration for somepony who doesn’t clean out his fridge too quickly. A plan come to mind as I approached. I’d do the usual: find out how she’s feeling, what stock she had available, and loop back around for business.
“Good evening, Carrot Top,” I asked using her nickname. “How are things?”
“Not too bad,” the carrot seller said, seemingly out of habit as she continued to load her stock on to her cart.
“Is there something wrong?” I walked around the stall.
“No,” she sighed as she leant against her cart. “I’m just tired.”
I raised an eyebrow. “You sound more disappointed than tired.”
“I brought a new variety of carrot to town today, but nopony seemed interested in them.” One of the carrot piles was larger than the others. I leant over to read the label, ‘Vanhoover Sweet’. Carrot Top sighed as she continued, “I went to so much trouble growing them and now it all feels like I just wasted my time.”
So, she was disappointed and tired. Useful information, I decided to make use of it.
“Alright, reset,” I said to trigger my time turning talent and spin time backwards by a few seconds. I watched as the last conversation played out in fast reverse in the brief bit of the present time that the universe hadn’t locked down in the past yet. A unicorn would tell you that my time turn is a violation of reality, highly illegal, and practically black magic. But I’m just abusing a slight loophole in temporal mechanics.
Time resumed and Carrot Top repeated, “Not too bad.” This time I knew it was just an automatic response to cover how bad she actually felt. It’s a real buck to the face to go to a lot of effort and then have your work dismissed by somepony else’s vague criteria.
I looked over at the large pile of unsold carrots and made a show out of considering them. “I didn’t know you had Vanhoover Sweets. I haven’t seen any of these in ages.” Carrot Top froze as she was packing up and her ears pricked up a little, I had her attention.
Normally in a negotiation you want to devalue the product in the mind of the seller so they compromise on price. Farmers, especially earth ponies, tend to take a lot of pride in their work and feel a higher price is justified.
But instead of the normal devaluing, I was going to talk it up. Carrot wasn’t feeling good, I wanted her to feel better and then the good feeling would pass a better price onto me. I picked up a carrot, bit the tip off and chewed it thoughtfully. “You know it tastes just like I remember,” I said, Carrot Top was now smiling at me over her stall as I swallowed. “It must have been back in Trottingham that I last had one of these.”
“It’s our first batch,” Carrot Top said. “I decided to get some seeds sent over from Vanhoover and I thought everypony would like them.” She sagged down onto the back of the stall and sighed, “But nopony really showed any interest today.”
“Ponies are never big on new things,” I commented as I took another bite. “We’ve had the same princess for over a thousand years, and even with two new ones we still only listen to Celestia.” I swallowed again. “This is still an excellent carrot. Give out a few samples with your other sales and make ponies want to come around. They won’t otherwise.”
The smile on Carrot’s face widened, but still hadn’t reached her eyes. “You really think they’re good?”
“Of course.” I put the rest of the carrot in my mouth. “It’s brilliant,” I said through the mouthful. Mares love compliments, and Carrot blushed a little as I praised her work.
“Thank you,” she said as a much more genuine smile crossed her face and I got a warm fuzzy feeling inside.
Now was the time, and so I asked, “How much for a dozen?”
Carrot almost answered before she looked over at me again. I smiled back pleasantly. “Ten bits,” she offered at the normal price, “and I’ll also throw in a carrot cake.” Carrot turned to her cart. “Just a minute,” she said before rummaged around in her cart for a while. I heard some paper being moved around, and some scratches from a pencil, before she brought out a bar-shaped cake. It was covered with thick white icing and walnuts. It definitely sweetened the deal.
“Deal,” I said with a nod. I might not have gotten a discount but I got a free cake. Not bad for a little bit of effort.
Carrot Top put the cake on a piece of paper and wrapped it in plastic before putting it and thirteen of the Vanhoover Sweets into a paper bag. I passed the coins over to pay for it and Carrot gave me my bag. I was about to walk away when Carrot Top stopped me. “Oh, Turner. If you like the cake you could always come down to the farm. It’d be nice to chat over a few pieces and some tea.”
“I think I might sometime,” I replied with a nod. “Have a good evening, Carrot Top.” I walked away with my bag and left a smile on Carrot’s face. I’d probably take her up on that offer. It would be a nice way to spend the afternoon and catch up on what happened while I was gone. It wouldn’t be right to turn down the offer of cake either.
Walking home at a relaxed pace, I saw ponies as they went through their late afternoon activities. Roseluck was tending her garden, the Cutie Mark Crusaders shot by on a land speed record attempt, and Dinky and Sparkler were playing in their front yard across the street from my house. Their mother would be around somewhere nearby, so I quickly nipped inside so I wouldn’t have to explain myself before I was ready.
In the kitchen, I nearly put the carrots in the fridge before I thought better of it, and put them in the pantry instead. At least the pantry only had a few vegetables that were growing roots, they weren’t evolving instead.
A slice of the carrot cake was tempting, but I couldn’t spoil my appetite before the party. Instead I went upstairs to have a quick shower and pick out something to wear.
After drying off, I sorted through my drawers to find my bright green tie. Green’s not really my colour, but Rarity insisted that it looked nice, so it was the one I bought. I’m not qualified to judge. My idea of fashionable was the old fedora hat that I wear whenever I’m out on a trip.
I gave my mane a quick combing and brushed my teeth, for all the good it would do after five minutes of Pinkie Party. I checked my appearance in the bathroom mirror, It wasn’t much different than normal. A quick glance at the time on my bathroom clocks said it was time, and so I set off for Sugar Cube Corner as the sun was beginning to set.
The town was unusually quiet as I walked toward the Corner, and the streets were practically deserted in the lead up to the dessert-themed building. Not much of a surprise, this was a normal constant with Pinkie. The room would be dark and then the lights would come on and everypony would yell ‘Surprise!’
Pinkie is predictable in her unpredictability. You can always expect a mad pony to be mad. But in my experience, it’s the sane ones you have to watch out for; because you can never predict when they’re going do something incredibly stupid.
Thinking about that, I walked past the front door and decided to do something different. Instead of going in the front door, I crept around the back of the bakery. I would go in the back door and join the crowd as they waited in the dark to surprise me. Then after a while I’d ask, ‘what are we all waiting for again?’ Then the ponies around me would turn to shush me, and then do a double take when they realized who I was.
I smiled to myself as I opened the back door into the dark bakery. Then the lights flickered on to reveal the empty room.
“Huh?”
Just as I stepped inside there was a crack of sound and a flash from behind me followed by the sound of running hooves.
I turned around and everypony standing behind me yelled, “Surprise!” A good portion of the town was standing there and trestle tables covered in food had appeared. A banner flew up with the words, ‘Time Turner’s back from his mysterious trip to Manehatten Party,’ in short compact writing to fit it all in.
“Hi, Time Turner,” came the voice of Pinkie Pie as she shot forward to give me a hug, “Welcome home.” Then Pinkie put me back down and asked, “So were you surprised? Were ya?”
Well this entire party wasn’t here when I walked past. “Yes actually, how did you get all those tables to appear?” The gramophone on one of the tables started to play a record.
Pinkie giggled, “Don’t be silly, I couldn’t make those appear out of thin air. Twilight teleported them here,” Pinkie pointed out the winded unicorn in the middle of the crowd.
“And everypony else?” I asked.
“Well,” Pinkie held the word as she pointed down the street. “The earth ponies came from down there.” She pointed her other hoof down another street, “the unicorns came from over there,” she pointed up with another hoof, “And the pegasuses were sitting on the roof.”
“So, where were you?”
Pinkie snorted with laughter, “I was behind that tree, silly,” Pinkie pointed another hoof at a bonsai in a pot by the door.
As I considered the small potted plant for a moment, all I could think was, Who around here has the time and patience for bonsai?
Shrugging off the mystery of the patient planter for now, I nodded toward Pinkie. “That will teach me for thinking I could out-surprise you.”
“I’m sure you could if you tried, Turner,” Pinkie said with an honest smile that I didn’t believe for an instant. Pinkie’s head shot around, “Gotta go, have fun.” Then Pinkie dashed off to say hello to somepony else, play pin the tail on the pony or whatever else she does when nopony is watching.
Don’t know, don’t want to know.
Somepony put a hoof over my shoulder. “Hey, bud. Didn’t know you were back.”
“Hello, Thunderlane,” I said as considered the jock. Give a pegasus a dark coat and he’ll think he’s Celestia’s gift to ponies everywhere. “How have things been while I was gone?”
“Been chill,” he said with a shrug. “Bunch’a new couples getting together after Hearts and Hooves.” He leaned in closer. “Weren’t you supposed to be running around with Derpy or something?”
“Why do ponies keep assuming that?” I asked rhetorically.
“Dunno, bud.” He hit me on the back. “Come on, let’s go enjoy the party.” I let Thunderlane push me into to the party starting around the trestle tables.
My return had simply been an excuse for the normal party that happened at least once a week. Pinkie was attempting to get Rainbow Dash to dance with her, Twilight was attempting to dance alone, Cloud Kicker was talking to Lyra, Berry had claimed the punch bowl, and the muffin platter had already disappeared. The usual stuff.
Thunderlane joined me in raiding the food tables. Pinkie always puts a good spread out for her parties. Last time I asked about it I found that she made most of it herself using ingredients sourced from the local farms. Apparently there’s some sort of arangement that saves her the cost of paying for it, probably a tribute of food and a good word in with the weather team.
Of course the food tables are the centre of any party, and between snacks I was greeted by ponies personally welcoming me home. It was mostly just ponies paying their respects, a polite ritual to go through before grabbing a piece of cake.
Thunderlane didn’t stick around for long. During the third wave of well-wishers he’d started talking with Sassaflash after she’d said “Welcome back” to me. In a spare moment I listened in on Thunderlane’s latest attempt in the art of wooing mares.
Thunderlane started off by catching up to Sassaflash as she was walking away, saying, “Hey there, Sassy. You look nice tonight.”
Sassaflash turned and gave Lane a slight smile. “Thanks, Thunderlane.”
He walked up to her. “I’m just wondering, what do you use to make yourself look that good?”
“Nothing really.” she gave her mane a tussle with a hoof. “I’d probably ruin it by flying anyway.” True with most pegasi, they’re not too fancy.
“Good,” he said with a nod, “because that would ruin perfection.”
Sassaflash paused, blinked twice and said, “What?”
“Sassy, you make Celestia’s sun look like the dull glimmer of Luna’s moon.” Most of the ponies in earshot stopped to watch.
Sassy laughed sheepishly and said, “You know I think I left the lanterns on at home. See you later. Bye.” She opened her wings and shot off into the air.
Thunderlane stood dejected while I walked up to him with a chuckle. “You know, Lane,” I said. “If you were on stage the audience would be laughing at you, and not in a good way. The first one was alright, but the second one was like using a jackhammer on a nail.” I put an arm over his shoulder. “Don’t worry, someday you’ll find somepony and you won’t trip up so badly.”
“I didn’t trip up, I meant to do that.” Thunderlane could boast all he likes, but he’s still in denial.
“Sure you did.”
“I’m not inexperienced,” he countered. “I’ve slept with Cloud Kicker before.”
I rolled my eyes, “No, she slept with you; meaning it was her idea, not yours.” I gave him a slap on the back, “Nothing wrong with that, but banging the Cloud and getting into a serious relationship are two very different things.”
“How would you know?”
“Remember that trip I went on last year, around autumn?” Lane nodded slowly in reply. “And how Cloud Kicker went on vacation around the same time?” I got another nod. “Well,” I said with another slap on his back. “What you do in Los Pegasus, stays in Los Pegasus.” Then I added quietly, “all four of them.” Ah, that was fun. I still have the vault at home.
“You were in one of those legendary…” Thunderlane asked with a voice full of awe.
“Yeah,” I said with a shrug, “and a couple of times since. You’re not the only stallion in Ponyville you know.”
“Why didn’t tell us before?”
“You never brought it up. Anyway, it’s not really something I should brag about.” I took my arm back from his shoulder. “In every case it was Cloud who brought it up. It’s not like I seduced her with my amazing wit and ripped her dress off as I threw her on the bed. It’s all her: her fun, her ability and, if town rumour is to be believed, her equipment.” I shrugged. “But that’s not a serious relationship.”
Thunderlane snorted, “I suppose you’re going to tell me that, ‘There’s a mare out there for every colt’ or something like that.”
“Lane, I’ve been from one side of Equestria to the other. I’ve seen a lot of strange stuff, but I’ve never seen anything to make me believe the all-powerful force of love can make that promise.” I got a cup from a nearby table and filled it with punch, “You’ve got to keep searching and eventually you might find somepony to love, or at least put up with.”
I drank my cup while Thunderlane replied, “I don’t see a ring on your tail. Why should I take your advice?” His feathers bristled slightly as he spoke.
I put my cup down. “Because this is the advice I’ve gotten from others, and it worked for them.” I put a hoof on Lane’s chest. “And here’s the best bit I’ve heard, ‘Any stallion has the chance to sweep any mare off her hooves, given a chance.’” I refilled my cup.
“And if there’s no chance?”
“Make one.” I drank again.
“So,” Lane said slowly, “Any mare?”
I rolled my eyes and smiled, “Who is it, Lane?”
Thunderlane’s wings shifted a bit. “Rarity.”
I drank the rest of my drink. “You’re not aiming low, though after what happened at the Gala I’d say you have a fighting chance.”
“At the Gala?” Lane asked.
“Rarity got a less than positive reception, and her standards are probably lower now.” I brought a hoof to my chin and mulled it over. “Get one of her friends to introduce you. Their clique is close enough that she’ll want their opinion of you anyway. Get ahead of the game.”
Thunderlane looked around, “Which one? I think most of them are here.”
“All of them, and be nice. Don’t flirt, just chat nicely with each and eventually get one of them to make an introduction to Rarity for you.” I thought for a moment and added, “Dash is probably your best hope.”
“Alright, thanks, bud. I’ll go give it a shot.” Lane put his wings out and took off in the direction of the dance floor.
“Good luck,” I called after him and quietly added, “You’ll need it.” Rarity and Thunderlane, makes Rari-Lane. I chuckled at the thought. Ultra-refined unicorn paired with a pegasus jock, winning combo right there.
Alone again, I went over to have a little more cake from the other table. Looking around I could see Thunderlane talking to Pinkie Pie, Cloud Kicker was talking to Cheerilee in what was probably the most innocent conversation Cloud would have tonight, and Rainbow Dash was over with Ditzy at the empty muffin platter. Twilight Sparkle was still on the dance floor; her dancing might be considered good by some bumblebees, but everything else kept their distance while she was ‘getting down’. Colgate, the dentist, was standing at the savoury food table staring at the ponies crowded around the sweet and cake tables. Probably mentally setting aside dental appointments for when they came in to complain about toothaches later.
But I had more pressing business, one of the tables held a large red velvet cheesecake. It looked absolutely amazing, and when I used a knife to cut myself a stallion-sized piece it felt like dragging a cart through mud, that’s how rich it was. And the taste: it was like eating a dozen strawberries at once, in a milkshake, made with cotton candy. I figured I’d also need a dental appointment soon.
I was about to get another piece when somepony jumped on my back and covered my eyes.
“Guess who.”
“The Taxation Inquisition?” I asked.
“No,” she whispered in my ear.
“Somepony who needs to lose weight?” I hazarded, and my new passenger flicked my ear. “Ouch.”
“One more guess.”
“Well, you landed on my back and you’re fairly light, so you’re a pegasus. You reacted negatively to my weight comment, so you’re a mare. And finally, I can think of only two ponies who’d jump me like this, and the other one would have missed.”
“And who would that make me?” she asked with a sultry whisper.
“Blossomforth,” I said flatly. The mare on my back started laughing and took her hooves away from my eyes. I craned my neck around to look at the purple pegasus on my back. “Still like being on top, Cloud?”
Cloud Kicker gave me her patented ‘arched eyebrow look’ and returned, “Pony rides are always fun, but sometimes I like to be ridden as well.” I spent a moment suppressing that mental image. Cloud Kicker is a living double entendre and a member of the local weather team. I’d overheard a rumour earlier before saying she was up for a promotion soon.
“So, Cloud.” I asked, “What can I do for you?”
“I want you to take me out to see a movie,” she said conversationally.
I looked at her skeptically, “Are you asking me to take you out on a date?” I paused for effect and blinked twice. “You don’t normally spend that much time on foreplay.”
That got a wry smile from Cloud. “Well I’ve been told about a great film coming out soon about a witty heroine and her sidekick, who steal a vault full of gold from a Bitallian casino in Los Pegasus. It’s called ‘The Bitallian Job’, by Vanilla Sky.”
The name sparked a few nodes in my mind. “Vanilla Sky? Wasn’t she one of the mares we…”
“Yep,” Cloud said with a nod.
A grin crossed my face, “They’re turning that into a movie? There wasn’t even a mention in the papers after we made off with that vault.” Normally you’d expect that sort of thing to be well known, but the ponies who’d stolen my money – before I stole it back – were rather keen to keep the entire event quiet. Ironically, they wouldn’t be able to stop the movie being produced without making ponies curious about what really happened. I’d have to send Vanilla Sky a thank you card for this.
“I wondered what happened…“An uncomfortable thought hit me. “Wait a tick, why am I the sidekick?”
Cloud crossed her arms and leant back – sitting primarily on my flank. “It’s not my fault I left a better impression on her.”
“Yeah but it was my idea, and now I’m the sidekick,” I grumbled.
“And a mare,” Cloud added.
“What?”
“The producers thought a mare would be more sympathetic.” Cloud Kicker had a grin on her face now. “Don’t you think so, Turner? Or should I say, Missed Minute?”
I planted my face on the table with a groan. “Alright, I’ll come, but I reserve the right to complain about everything.”
“Alright, it’s a date,” Cloud replied. “So, since we’ve come to an understanding.” Cloud laid herself along my back again. “Would you like to celebrate by coming around to my place for an after-party, Miss Minute?”
I considered it. It’s not everypony in Ponyville that ends up on the ‘would bang again’ list, and It had been a while since me and Cloud had, well, banged. “Sounds like fun.”
“Hey, Timmy Turner,” called a voice.
“Huh,” I said and turned around to see who called. Rainbow Dash was striding toward me with a ‘mildly unhappy’ expression on her face. Close behind Dash was Ditzy Doo, the cross eyed pegasus who lived across the street from me with her two daughters. Ditzy was a little reluctant as she followed Dash.
“Hey, Boss, Derpy,” replied Cloud Kicker as she lifted herself up to see over my head. “What’s up?”
“Hey, Cloud,” Dash said as she walked up before saying in a loud voice, “I just wanna ask Timmy here why he ditched Derpy on Hearts and Hooves Day.” I cringed as the record on the gramophone screeched to a halt.
“Wait, you’re actually in a relationship with Derpy?” Cloud asked, and before I could respond she flew off my back and joined Dash in glaring at me. I cringed again. Cloud thought I’d made her break one of her rules. A glance around had me sweating a bit when I’d noticed that everypony was now looking at us.
Ditzy came over to my side saying, “He didn’t do anything wrong, he had a message from Manehatten he need to answer. It was an emergency.” Ditzy was far too kind.
“Oh yeah?” Dash said and stepped forward to prod me in the chest. “So Timmy, what was so important to make you ditch Derpy, huh?”
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I sighed and said, “I can’t say.” I really couldn’t.
“Can’t say?” Dash flew forward and got in my face. “Were you seeing somepony else? Were you just too ashamed to tell Derpy you weren’t interested?”
“No,” I said, “and I’m not afraid to tell her that, it’s just—”
“What, can’t stand looking into her eyes?” Dash was hovering nose to nose above me, typical pegasus intimidation. “Well?”
Looking around, I could see that wasn’t getting any sympathy from anypony watching, except Ditzy who looked on with alternating eyes. I’d had enough.
I stood back up with a snort, pushing Dash back, and growled, “Back up.”
A bit of a fuzzy feeling came over me as my Time Turn activated. Time moved backwards as I exploited temporal mechanics to buy as much time as I could. It didn’t take long to hit the hard spot where the universe wouldn’t let me go any further back, and time resumed.
Cloud was lounging forward on my back as she waited for me to answer her earlier proposition. “Get off,” I said in a harsher tone than I should of.
“Huh?” Cloud asked.
“Hop off,” I said with a little less irritation. “I need to do something, quickly.”
“Okay…” Cloud said and gave her wings a flick to get off. Then I turned around and started walking toward the two pegasi who were approaching us already.
“Hey, Timmy Turner,” Rainbow called out as I approached.
I didn’t have any patience for her anymore. “It’s Time Turner, Rainbow Deaf,” I said as I cut around her. “Hey, Ditzy,” I said with a more welcoming tone to the other pegasus. This sort of problem had to be dealt with before ponies started asking questions I couldn’t answer.
Ditzy gave me a smile, “Hi Turner,” she said as I came up to her.
“I probably should have come and found you earlier,” I said as I rubbed the back of my neck.
Dash flew over and hovered above us. “What did you just call me?”
I ignored Dash, there were more important things to do. Thankfully Cloud Kicker came forward and dragged Dash back saying, “Come on, boss. I think they need a minute.”
I bowed my head toward the humbler pegasus. “Ditzy, I want to apologize for running out on you last week. It was unfair on you, I’m sorry.”
Ditzy nodded, “It’s alright. It’s not your fault that the callout message was in my bag.” It was also the one thing in her bag that wasn’t an H&H Day card.
“Perhaps we can ignore the mail bag if we try it again next year.” I laughed unevenly. The awkwardness hung in the air for a moment. “Anyway, how did Sparkler do in that geography test?” I asked in a blatant subject change.
Ditzy’s eyes brightened as her daughter came up. “She got an ‘A’. Thank you for helping her with her homework.”
“No problem,” I said with a quick nod. “Geography’s a good subject for me. I’ve been from one side of Equestria to the other far too many times.” I brought a hoof to my chin for a moment. “Let me know when her teacher moves into history or drama, I can help there as well.”
The sound of wings flapping got my attention as Cloud and Rainbow returned. Cloud gave Rainbow a tap on the chest to keep her back and stepped forward. “So, are things going okay over here?” She looked between the two of us, “No relationship issues?” Cloud asked cautiously.
“Uh,” I considered the two pegasi for a moment. Rainbow still didn’t look happy and Cloud was fishing for information before making up her mind. “No issues,” I clarified. “We’re just neighbours and things didn’t work out when we tried going out to lunch on Hearts and Hooves.”
“Yeah,” Ditzy added with a touch of disappointment in her voice.
“Yeah,” I said, “and that’s all.” I put on my good poker face.
Seconds passed, elsewhere ponies danced while we just stood waiting.
Cloud broke the silence, “Okay then.” She looked over her shoulder at Rainbow Dash. “See, nothing wrong.”
Dash grunted and said, “Yeah.” She didn’t seem convinced.
I didn’t want to push my luck any further. Rainbow seemed to have made up her mind about me, and when somepony like her makes up their mind, it’s very hard to change it. “Hmm,” I said as I looked at the nearest clock – a custom cuckoo clock in Pinkie’s bedroom – and said, “Well, it’s getting late and I’ve just come back from a long trip.” I turned to walk away, “I’d better go hit the hay, lots to do tomorrow.” Like sleeping in, I added to myself.
“Wait, you can’t leave yet!” Rainbow said I started walking.
“It’s my party,” I said over my shoulder. “I’m pretty sure I can.”
“Hey Pinkie!” Dash called out. I had a sudden sense of foreboding and looked over my shoulder. Pinkie bounced up to Dash and kissed her.
I blinked a couple of times. “Um, what?” Rainbow said something to Pinkie, and pointed her in my direction. Pinkie had a look akin to mild horror before she zoomed over to me, as only she can.
“Turner, why are you leaving so soon?” She put her hooves on my shoulders. “Everypony is waiting for you to make your speech.”
“Speech?”
“Yeah, Dashie said you were planning one and that everypony was looking forward to it.”
My eyes narrowed as I sent them to look over Pinkie’s shoulder at Rainbow Dash. Miss Multicolour was grinning like she’d just won a race. It’s not a good feeling when you start to feel a net closing around you. And this was Rainbow Dash for pony’s sake, it’s embarrassing.
I was snapped back to reality as Pinkie started to pull me along. “…it’s for the best. If everypony wants it, and it makes them happy, then you have to make a speech. Otherwise it won’t be a good party.”
As Pinkie pulled me past the others. Dash was starting to chuckle while Ditzy and Cloud were bemused by the sight of me being dragged along. I tried to slow us down at first, but Pinkie wasn’t having any of it. So I let her lead me through the small crowd to the back step behind Sugar Cube Corner. Most of the ponies had noticed and were glancing toward us while they continued talking. Pinkie pulled out a small gong and gave it a hit, before joining the crowd below.
The spotlight was now focused on me, and everypony had turned to look at me expectantly. The key to speaking in front of ponies is this: Don’t think, do, and do it loudly.
“Great party, right?” I shrugged, “I should probably leave town every week.” There was a polite titter of laughter from the audience. You know, the kind that’s not actual laughter.
“I’m up here for a speech, with nothing to talk about. So, I’ll just say this: Thanks for coming.” I started back down the step.
“Wait,” called out Rainbow Dash as she flew up to hover over the crowd. “You didn’t answer any of our questions. Like, why did you leave, or when?”
And there it is. Rainbow just wants to interrogate me in public. What did I ever do to her? I regarded her for a moment and replied with, “I left a week ago and I had urgent business…” something boring, something boring. “…with a clock. I had to fix a clock. The one over the train station that the trains try to follow.”
That satisfied most ponies who simply shrugged and accepted my explanation. But Dash still didn’t look satisfied. I’ll bet that this went much differently in her head when she got Pinkie to pull me up here.
“So what happened to your date with Derpy?” called out somepony else.
That question almost made me trip over myself. I knew Dash was going on about that, but nopony else had taken an interest. looking around for the source, I saw the dentist step forward. She had some courage in her step, but that withered when she noticed everypony looking at her instead.
“Um,” Colgate said as she gathered herself. “You said you’ve been gone a week and that would mean you left on Hearts and Hooves day. I thought you’d be doing something with Derpy.” The crowd’s attention turned back toward me.
I briefly considered time turning back, but this wasn’t going to go away. Best to sort it out now before it could get worse.
I sighed and said, “I’ll admit I had planned to something with Ditzy.” I nodded toward her. “And that I had to cancel, but we were simply going out as friends.”
An air of confusion surrounded the audience. Somepony at the back called out, “I thought you two were dating!”
“No,” I said flatly. “Why does everypony assume that?” I held up an foreleg in a half-shrug. “Seriously, what have I done to give you all that idea?”
There was a wave of murmuring between audience members.
“Well?” I asked.
“You’re always going over to her place,” Rose said.
“You keep calling her Ditzy,” Lilly added.
“And she takes muffins over to your house,” Daisy chimed in.
Ah, the flower trio: Ponyville’s primary gossip/panic source. That explains everything.
“Alright then,” I said. “Rose: I tutor Sparkler and occasionally fix things in their house. Daisy: said muffins are a thank you gift for the previous, and I prefer to use ponies’ actual names, Lilly Valley.” I leaned against the stair railing, “Any other questions?”
Somepony else in the crowd – I didn’t see who – called out, “What are you doing Friday night?”
I sighed and said, “I have something planned already.” There was a couple of groans and few clicks of disappointment from the audience. I added, “It’s not a date, nor am I dating anypony right now.” Once I’d finished I got the distinct feeling I was being weighed up and measured by a dozen or so pairs of eyes.
On reflection, the fact it was H&H day last week would probably put romance further up a pony’s priority list. A lot of ponies would have been wondering if they’d have a partner for next year, and thinking about finding said pony. Since I’d admitted I was unhitched, I’d probably would have to deal with some approaches over the next couple of weeks until the romantic atmosphere faded away.
The voice called out again, “What about Saturday?”
Much as I like being the centre of attention, I was starting to get tired of this probing inquisition into my love life. I held up a hoof. “I think that’s enough questions for one night. As you might have guessed I’ve had a long day getting back to Ponyville and I should probably go hit the hay.”
There was a general muttering of “Yes, of course” and “Yeah.” I even heard one pony say, “He seems nice enough.” I said, “Good night everypony,” and got a combined reply as I wove my way through the crowd and around the Corner back to the street.
As soon as I was out of eyesight, I picked up the pace to a brisk canter. I wanted to put some distance between myself and the party before somepony decided to catch up. As much as I am open to the thought of romance, I’m not big on being chased around. Honestly, I get enough of that when I leave Ponyville on business.
Anyway, right now’s not a good time, because most of the mares around here are probably thinking about romance only because they missed out on Hearts and Hooves day. I’d rather find a special somepony for the right reasons, and not just because somepony is getting a little desperate.
It didn’t take long to get back home. My house was dark and silent, but for the ever present ticking. I measured the intervals in my mind as I went to my kitchen to get a drink. One of the clocks was a touch slow, its pendulum needed a push.
I got a glass out of my cupboard and found the carrot cake that Carrot Top gave me earlier. I took it across to the bench as well. I know what you’re thinking, ‘You just came back from a party, Time Turner. How can you possibly still be hungry?’
To be honest, I just can’t resist cake.
I filled up my glass before finding a knife and went across to get a slice.
Flipping it over to unwrap it, I found a note stuck on the underside. I put the knife down and read: “Turner, I’d love it if you’d come around to the farm sometime. It’d be nice to chat over some tea, and I could show you some of the things I can do with those carrots you like. Carrot Top.”
“Well,” I murmured. “Doesn’t that just take the cake?”
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Screw Los Pegasus, what happened in Manehattan??
Didn't he get married in your last book
you know i read all this and in the end i can't help but wonder
has cloud kicker banged the flower trio yet?
You know, I'm kind of waiting for a straightforward harem story featuring Time Turner or just any assortment of non-human characters (HIE harems aren't clever or suspenseful, they're just Gary Stu!) Ahem. Anyway, I'll read this anyway, as the premise that is here is great, but, hey, there's a story idea for someone who can write (so not me).
EDIT: Let me explain, just so this doesn't seem off-topic. The cover image gave the impression of this being a harem story.
Huh, CT's being all bold and shit.
Pray proceed
2791779
.
Hard to say, because Turner really can't say. Keep an eye out for hints though
2791802
Different Time Turner, thought that was more a... horn point engagement.
2791895
Chengar would probably know, but my money's on yes. Probably at the same time
2795304
...
I'm on to you, Rodi.
2791895
Study of Winning Pony does state that she's at least banged Rose.
That was an excellent way to clear up the mystery surrounding Doc- er, Time Turner and Ditzy's relationship. Can't wait to see what Topsy's got up her sleeve.
The references ... so many ... feathering references ...
2791779 Knowing how Turner has a tendency to lie (lol, the Doctor lies), we must take everything he says with a grain of salt until Rodi lifts the veil.
2791895 I'd imagine she has ... on multiple occasions.
Clever play out of Time Turner's special talent.
every time cake was mentioned i couldn't help but think that bitches love cake
I'll call Time Turner now as Table Turner
*Grins* A true pleasure to see more of your take on Time Turner
I confess I'm a bit hesitant if this is going to reult in him getting hitched but I'm happy to see where you take it
sending this to my science teacher.
I favoured my back right leg as I walked away from the station, while the rest of my joints complained. I felt like I’d just run a marathon. I considered heading over to the spa for a nice relaxing treatment. Though I’d have to skip the massage with all the bruises I’d picked up.
"I"..."I"..."I"..."I"..."I"..."I"..."I"..."I"..."I"..."I"...
In this single paragraph you exhausted your allotment of the word "I." People will notice when you clump them together like that. After that they will take note of it every time you use that word. (Sorry, I couldn't finish this chapter because it was basically that distracting) There are plenty of workarounds for this word. This word is spread around the chapter, not just that paragraph.
Hope this helps.
I do enjoy reading your Time Turner, although I'm still looking forward to another story in the non-Winningverse; you know, the one with Lucky Catch?
I liked this story very much And I am looking forward to the next chapter.
....Go on.
a worthy addition to the whole winingverse group ....thing
loved Winning in LP, loved the first chapter here. Looking forward to seeing more of this
Allons-y!
Its already over?
"Victorious."
I just got that.
Well played.
2813231
There shall be more. A gentle colt's club was mentioned, as well as a "Friday Poker Night at Sweet Apple Acres".
2815037
I know, but the chapter ended so fast.
Question: Is the mention of Azalea a nod to Eakin's time trilogy ? Because I can't seem to find an existing background pony with that name outside of G3.
Or was it a random choice?
2791895 You'd have a shorter list of ponies Cloud hasn't banged. I'm just sayin'...
Damn it, where's that Cloud Kicker emoticon?
2818595
It was a subtle nod. I was naming market stalls and it seemed to fit.
A solid start to this story. I look forward to seeing where this goes.
2820204
Indeed, It fits alright. Even if she isn't part of the "flower trio"...
On another note, how did Carrot Top manage to write the note without Time Turner seeing it, nor seeming suspicious enough to get noticed, in such a short time frame?
?
Or... Did she rewind to write it before TT arrives
2843598
She rummaged around in her cart for a bit. Turner was too busy counting carrots to notice.
2846084
Well, I guess. Bah, anyway, your fic, your rules
2799890
I never noticed them until you pointed them out.
Thanks.
EW EW EW!! CARROT WTF!?
Finally read the previous story. Definitely a good version of Time Turner (as opposed to Doctor Whooves). I'm assuming this is before Winning Pony as it doesn't seem like Cloud is in a relationship with Derpy. Looking forward to more on this character and story line.
If this verse did herding I would have thought this would have been Time Turner's herd minus Cloud Kicker anyways.
2846084
You accidentally a pronoun here.
Ohhh, short-term time rewinds... And apparently a bank robbery or something? I am intrigued. And there's a whole series out thar!
This is a reference from somewhere... But I completely forget to what....
I remember the way it's said, I almost remember the voice, but the source eludes me.
3324552
It was a reference to Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Carribean, but instead of madness and sanity, it's honest and dishonest people.
Two free carrots and a cake. Thats an awesome deal
Note to self: Never buy carrots from Carrot Top.
NOPONY EXPECTS THE INQUISITION!
As a side note, is Lucky not going to come in on any of the side stories?