Thinking With Portals
Thinking With Portals
Rainbow had to think of a way to lure her male counterpart into her universe. Recalling that he was simply her with something different between his hind legs, she thought about what would entice her to blindly head into another dimension.
Then it hit her. She hovered into Twilight's kitchen and gathered the ingredients to make the most irresistible sandwich she'd ever constructed. Which, to her, was simply everything edible she could lay her hooves on piled between two slices of bread. Tomatoes, lettuce, cucumbers, celery, carrots, radishes, and daffodils sat atop her masterpiece. She set it on a plate and carried it downstairs, fighting the urge to eat it herself. She was hungry—starving, in fact, but she figured male-her would be hungry about now as well. She only hoped she could catch him before he made a snack himself. She grabbed a spool of fishing line Twilight kept in her lab for one reason or another and tied it around her sandwich.
Looking back to the monitor, she breathed a sigh of relief, finding her male self still brooding in bed over his bad date. She secured the other end of the fishing line around a lifting belt Spike wore to protect his back when moving heavy boxes. Dash put it on, planning to yank as hard as she could the moment guy-her grabbed the sandwich. If she knew herself, he wouldn't let go, and before she knew it, he'd been in her world! Her plan was to bring him here, show him off to her mother, and then send him back. Simple enough, and it would only take a day, two days at the most!
Rainbro Dash—as she'd taken to calling him— rolled over onto his side, just as Dash dropped the sandwich through the portal. He felt something fall on his bed as he looked over, noticing a perfectly intact food item resting on his blanket.
"I was just thinking about making this!" he gasped. "Do I have food summoning powers I didn't know about?" he asked himself aloud. The fishing line attached to the sandwich was thin enough to be invisible in the darkness of his room. "Maybe I can summon something to drink, too!" He narrowed his eyes, concentrating on the space beside his sandwich and putting his hooves on either side of his head, as if to amplify his powers.
Dash grew impatient and jiggled the line, making the sandwich jump in response.
"Ah! Devil sandwich!" he shouted, scrambling off the bed and scurrying against the wall. Rainbow decided against moving the line again until he grabbed it. He peeked over the edge of his bed, staring at the food that had frightened him earlier. He grabbed one of his loose primary feathers and poked it, studying the reaction.
Nothing.
He rose slightly higher from the edge of the bed. Slowly, he reached out a hoof and touched the bread, withdrawing it quickly. When nothing happened a second time, he rested his hoof on it. Content that he must have been seeing things, he picked up the sandwich in both hooves and brought it to his mouth.
Rainbow sprang into action, flapping her wings as hard as possible, pulling her male counterpart up into his ceiling and through the portal with a shout of terror. He shot through the portal machine and slammed hard into the roof of Twilight's basement, knocking himself unconscious.
Dash fretted, looking up at the ceiling and hearing Twilight stirring above her. She quickly pressed the 'off' button on the machine and pushed her unconscious lookalike underneath a table before covering him with a blanket. She flew as fast as she could manage up the stairs and plowed back into the couch. Rainbow covered herself with the blankets and pretended to be just waking up as the sound of Twilight's hooves came down the stairs.
"Rainbow? Did you hear something in the basement?" Twilight yawned.
"Nope, just you coming down the stairs," she whispered, rolling over and sliding a hoof beneath her pillow.
"Hmm... I better go see if everything's alright down there."
Rainbow's ears shot to attention. She climbed off the couch and followed Twilight. "I'll come too! You know, in case it's a wild animal or something."
Twilight stopped and looked at Rainbow. "Why would a wild animal be in my basement?"
Rainbow shrugged. "It could be a serial killer or something! Don't you watch horror movies? The basement is where everything bad always happens."
Twilight rolled her eyes and continued down the steps as Rainbow silently prayed her would-be coltfriend was still out cold. The lights came back on and the computer voice greeted Twilight. "Celestia, can you run the surveillance footage from the last ten minutes?" Twilight asked.
A lump rose in Rainbow's throat as she waited for the oddly-named computer to playback her escapades.
"Cameras were offline for a system update during the past hour," it replied.
"Drat," Twilight mumbled. Rainbow breathed a sigh of relief. "Everything looks to be in order... maybe I was just hearing things. You may power down for the night, Celestia."
Rainbow raised an eyebrow. "You named your computer voice Celestia?"
Twilight's ears flicked and her cheeks flushed with embarrassment. "N-no, it's an acronym!"
"For what?" Dash asked.
Twilight narrowed her eyes before making her way back upstairs. Rainbow took a last look at the lump beneath the far table. She'd have to come back for him as soon as Twilight was asleep. She took back her position on the couch as Twilight climbed the stairs and bid her goodnight.
After about thirty minutes, Rainbow hovered back down into the basement. This time, the lights didn't turn on, so she had to feel her way along the wall to reach the table she put her new friend beneath. After a few stubbed hooves, she managed to locate the table, and the thankfully still breathing Rainbro. She lifted him up and threw him over her back. After carrying Caramel, her wings were aching, and the flight back to her house would be a painful one.
She managed to hover up the steps to Twilight's front door, but had to set him down for a moment. He was far heavier than she anticipated. There's got to be an easier way to do this... Dash thought. Thinking for a moment, she grabbed his hind leg and attempted to fly with him dangling below her. It worked, and the load was considerably easier to bear. It would only be a short flight to her house, where she could let him wake up and explain what had happened. After all, if she was just like him, then he'd totally understand her reasoning.
Rainbow finally made it to her house and flopped him down on her porch, panting in exhaustion and wiping the sweat from her brow. Once she'd caught her breath, she took him underneath his forelegs and began dragging Blitz inside her house. She recalled from what she'd seen that his bedroom was almost identical to her own, so putting him in her bed would likely be the least jarring place for him to awaken.
She lugged him onto her mattress and sighed. Dash could certainly go for one of the sandwiches she'd created earlier. Content with his position, she went to the kitchen.
Crumbs were the only thing left on the plate as Rainbow snored softly, propped up against the wall of her bedroom. Her male counterpart began to stir. As his eyes fluttered open, he moaned, putting a soft hoof to the lump on his head. "What kind of crazy dream..." He rolled over, eyes widening. A strange mare with a coat and mane that matched his own sat slumped beside his bed. Worse still, she had eaten his sandwich!
A cry of terror tightened in his chest as her eyelids slowly opened. "Oh, good, you're awake!" Rainbow yawned.
"Who are you, and why are you in my house?" he demanded, sitting up in bed.
"Your house? This is my house, guy," Dash replied indignantly.
"You think I don't know what my own house looks like?" he asked.
"Look, you're probably thinking it's really weird to see somepony that looks so much like you, but I can explain. What's your name?"
He hesitated for a moment before revealing. "Rainbow Blitz."
"Cool, I'm Rainbow Dash. I'm your—"
"Long lost sister!" He smiled proudly.
"Ugh, no! Stop making this creepier than it has to be," she said, standing up. "I pulled you into my universe with Twilight's portal thing. In this universe, I'm you, but I'm a girl instead of a boy."
A look of recognition crossed his face. "My buddy Dusk mentioned building something having to do with portals when I stopped by his place after that terrible date I had with Toffee—"
"Was she cool for most of it, then awkward and clingy afterwards when you went to make out in the fields outside of town?" Dash interrupted.
"Yeah... how'd you know that?" Blitz asked, stunned.
"I'm you, just female! Our lives are pretty much the same except for... well, you're a stallion."
Blitz was silent for a moment, before looking into Dash's similarly colored eyes. "So, you mean here, in this universe, everypony I knew as a stallion... is a mare?"
"Now you're gettin' it!" Rainbow cheered.
A sly smirk crept onto Blitz's face before Rainbow struck down what she knew—by virtue of his stallion-ness—he had to be thinking.
"You can get that idea out of your head right now!" she snapped. "You're only gonna be here for a day or two. I just have to show you off to my mother and then you're going back where you came from!"
"Oh, that is such a good idea! Why didn't I think of doing that?"
"Dunno, but I got you first. If there's time, and we can sneak back into Twilight's lab, maybe I can return the favor. No promises."
Blitz nodded, sending a dull ache through his skull. "You think I could get some ice for my head?"
Twilight rubbed the sleep out of her eyes, shielding them from the sun shining through her window. A yawn escaped as she stretched her legs. Spike still slept soundly in his basket as Twilight tread carefully down her steps to check on Rainbow. To her surprise, she found her couch empty, the blankets still crumpled at one end.
Huh, she must have gotten an early start, she thought, heading towards the kitchen. Twilight lit her stove and filled her teapot with water. After setting her teapot on the burner, she summoned her itinerary and checked her schedule for the day.
"Let's see..." she hummed, flipping to the correct date.
7:00-7:05 Exit sleep cycle.
7:06-7:10 Prepare morning tea/judge Spike for still being asleep.
7:11-7:12 Recall Spike is still a baby by dragon standards, and needs his rest.
7:13-7:14 Reprimand yourself for being judgmental/write to Princess Celestia about how judging others can lead to incorrect assumptions.
7:15-9:30 General science/breakfast.
She smiled to herself, crossing the first four items off the list. Twilight closed her planner and trotted down the basement steps. "Celestia, power up."
The lights and machines in the basement flickered to life with a soft hum.
"Welcome, Twilight Sparkle."
"Good morning, Celestia. Can you run the processor logs from last night?"
"Certainly. From before or after your terminal login at 12:34 a.m.?"
Her words gave Twilight pause. "Login? I never logged in last night after I went to bed."
"My records indicate a login and portal activation at that time. Would you like me to run error diagnostics?"
"No..." Twilight trotted over to her portal machine and noticed the remnants of a sandwich scattered near the interaction gateway with a spare piece of fishing line. She narrowed her eyes. "Spike!" she shouted from the basement. "Have you been fishing for girl-Spike with the dimensional portal again?"
"So, is your Mom as judgmental as mine?" Blitz asked, pressing the icepack to the lump on his head.
"Yeah. I mean, I love her and Pop and everything, but every time they visit she brings up the whole 'special somepony' thing," Rainbow replied.
Blitz nodded. "Yeah, it gets old. I just can't believe I didn't think to kidnap you from your universe first. I hope the guys are okay without me."
"I'm sure they're fine," said Rainbow, laying back on the edge of her bed. "We're gonna have to go out for breakfast. I haven't been to the store in forever."
"Heh, me neither," Blitz admitted, stretching his wings. He sat up in bed and noticed the slow crawl of Tank nudging his way into Dash's bedroom. "Hey, you've got a pet tortoise too?"
"Yeah, his name's Tank."
"Oh. Mine's Armor. She's a lady tortoise... I think. I'm not sure how to tell," he said, putting a hoof to his chin.
Rainbow grinned. "I just took Fluttershy's word for it that Tank was a boy." She hopped off the bed. "I'm starving, you ready to eat or what?"
Blitz tossed the icepack on the bed and joined Dash. "Definitely. You owe me a sandwich."
"I swear, it wasn't me!" Spike plead indignantly. "I learned my lesson after last time!"
"Celestia recorded a login on the portal machine last night, and you and I are the only ones who know how to operate it," Twilight chided, waiting for him to come clean. "On top of that, the fishing line was out again!"
Spike looked at the remnants of the sandwich scattered about the portal. "So you think I did it?"
Twilight stamped a hoof. "Well only you and I were—" She paused. Spike recognized the dawning of an epiphany.
"Yeah, girl-Spike only eats gems, so why would I try to lure her here with a sandwich?" he asked impatiently.
"Rainbow," Twilight whispered to herself, turning quickly to the console and typing furiously to bring up the last universe accessed. "But how could Rainbow figure out how to use this thing?"
"Maybe this had something to do with it?" Spike held up the binder Dash had used the night before.
Twilight slapped a hoof to her forehead. "Why did I write that thing in laymen's terms?" After a few moments of typing, she brought up the designation of the last universe to be accessed using her invention. "Universe sixty-three."
The monitor flashed a warning across the screen. Twilight gasped. "The energy output is off the charts! She must have brought something through the portal." She turned to Spike. "Watch the library, I'm going to Rainbow's."
Rainbow stood outside her home with Blitz, looking over the sleepy town as it began to stir. He stretched his wings and legs, cricking his neck from left to right. Dash glanced over her shoulder. "Look familiar?"
"It does. My buddy Bubble Berry works at a bakery that serves a pretty solid breakfast." Dash looked at him quizzically. "He's pink, got a really frizzy mane and tail?"
She nodded. "Yeah, her name's Pinkie Pie, here."
"Is it still at the corner of Stirrup and Saddle?" Blitz asked.
"The only place it's ever been," Rainbow replied, hovering over him.
"Huh, well, if it's still where I think it is, I bet I can beat you there!" Blitz darted off the cloud and streaked into town, the multi-colored stream of light fading away from her.
"Oh, I was just thinking about doing that!" Rainbow growled to herself, taking off after him.
Due to his head start, Blitz managed to beat Dash to the front door.
"Ha, looks like I'm the fastest pegasus alive in two universes!" he boasted, his hoof resting on the handle.
"No fair! You cheated!" Rainbow complained.
"Maybe you can try again after breakfast." Blitz smiled, opening the door for her. Dash narrowed her eyes before walking inside. Pinkie frantically waved at her friend as Dash approached the counter, Blitz trailing behind her.
"Hiya, Dashie!" she said cheerfully. "Is this your brother?"
Rainbow glanced back towards Blitz, noticing his smile as he looked Pinkie over. "No," she said, elbowing him, the air in his lungs rushing out of his nose. "This is my coltfriend, Blitz."
Pinkie extended a hoof. "Nice to meet ya, Blitz!"
He met her hoof with his own as he tried to catch his breath. "Nice to meet you too..." he wheezed.
"Let me get two of my usual, Pinkie," Dash said. "Also, can I borrow the phone real quick?"
Pinkie set a rotary phone on the counter and slid it toward her. "Sure, Dashie!"
"Grab us a seat, will ya?" Rainbow asked him before turning back to the counter and dialing her parent's number. "Mom? Hey, it's Dash. Listen, are you guys free tonight? I wanted to grab dinner with you and Pop tonight." She glanced back at Blitz as she leaned on the counter, Pinkie busily preparing their breakfast behind it. "Oh... yeah, Wednesday's good. It's just there's somepony I want you to meet."
Rainbow held the receiver away from her ears as a loud cry of happiness blasted out of the earpiece. "Yeah, just calm down, and we'll see you then, okay? Alright, love you, bye." Dash hung up the phone and exhaled deeply. She trotted over to where Blitz was sitting.
"So, our date all set up?" he asked, a hoof resting on his cheek.
"Yeah, but you're gonna be here for another few days," Dash replied. For being kidnapped into a parallel universe by his female self, Blitz seemed to be taking everything in stride.
"That's cool, work won't miss me. My job pretty much does itself."
"What about your friends?" Dash asked.
"Well, they might wonder, but as long as I show up eventually, they won't worry about it."
Rainbow paused for a moment. "... Really?"
"Yeah, guys don't usually get involved in each other's business. As long as I'm back in a few days, they'll be okay." Blitz put a hoof to his chin. "Unless Eris escapes again, or King Nymphamos attacks. I'm an Element of Awesomeness, by the way."
Dash jaw hung slack for a second. "That sounds way cooler than Harmony..."
"But enough about my universe. When do I get to meet the rest of my lady-friends?" he asked, the same smile from earlier this morning creeping across his lips.
"Hopefully never," said Dash, leveling her eyes. They may have been more or less the same pony, but they certainly had their differences.
"Oh come on, I'd let you meet your guy-friends if you were in my universe!" Blitz pled.
Rainbow rolled her eyes. "Fine, if we have time, but you can't meet Twilight. If she finds out I stole you from your universe, I'd never hear the end of it. And she'd probably send you back before I could show you to my mother."
Pinkie delivered their food, the conversation dying as they both dug in.
"As good as the stuff in your universe?" Rainbow asked.
Blitz smiled. "Yeah, it's pretty good. But I think Bubble makes it better."
"No way! Nopony makes better breakfast cupcakes than Pinks," Dash replied.
"Except maybe... Bubble," he countered with a grin.
"I guess we'll have to agree to disagree." Dash scooped up the last bite of her breakfast and sat back in her chair. "So, now what do you want to do?"
"I dunno, what is there to do in your universe?" he asked.
"Well, normally, I just go sleep in one of Applejack's trees." Dash answered.
Blitz couldn't help but chuckle. "Applejack is my buddy's name too. I'm guessing he's a girl here?"
"Duh."
"And I'm guessing his older sister is now her older brother?"
Dash smiled. "You're not as slow as you look."
Rainbow paid their check and they bid Pinkie goodbye. The two of them stepped out of the shop, squinting at the sunlight of the early morning. "So, I kinda want to know what AJ looks like as a girl," Blitz said, rolling his head in her direction lazily.
"You just remember who's fake coltfriend you are, hot shot," Rainbow grumbled in a manner Blitz couldn't decide whether she was sincere or joking.
"If it makes you feel any better, my fake relationship with you means way more than any real relationship I might come up with while I'm here," he put a comforting hoof on her shoulder.
She brushed it off. "Just be sure to keep your hooves to yourself while we're around town, okay?"
MEANWHILE, IN BLITZ'S UNIVERSE...
Dusk sat sprawled over his couch, holding a book over his face with magic. The rest of his pals lay strewn about his living room floor with various books in front of them. He glanced over the top of his book, counting his friends quickly and realizing they were one short of his normal count.
"Anypony seen Blitz lately?" he asked, his pals pulling themselves from their books and magazines.
"Last I had seen of him, he was intent on a date with that Toffee, but I hadn't heard from him since," Elusive remarked, before burying his nose into his issue of Stallion's Quarterly.
"Huh. And nopony's seen him since last night?" Dusk asked. His friends shook their heads.
"I'd wager he took her back ta his house," Applejack said.
Dusk smiled wryly and nodded. "Nice."
"Rainbow Dash!" Twilight called angrily from below Dash's floating home. Upon receiving no reply, she huffed to herself and cast a spell. In a flash, she teleported to Rainbow's porch. "Rainbow, if you and other you are in there, you need to come out here!" she shouted, trying to mask her anger.
With no reply from within, she let out an cathartic shout, stomping her hooves on the clouds. "Of all my friends to endanger the universe, how did I know it was going to be Rainbow?" she asked herself, wondering where on earth she could have gone. Twilight inhaled deeply, closing her eyes and trying to calm herself. "It's okay, Twilight, you just have to think like Rainbow," she told herself. If I were Rainbow, where would I be at nine in the morning?
"Eating."
Twilight teleported towards town.
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of course dashie would be the one to danger the universe. i mean, its not like pinkie could rip a hole in the fabric of time and space, or applejack could lead an army of apples (the family, not the fruit) on a coup de ate, or fluttershy could encourage animals to take up arms against the ponies, or ya know, somethin like that. i honestly cant think of any way rarity could destroy all that we know and love.
lollll
Retribution is going to be swift, and it is going to be brutal...
Typo, and I'm not sure invigorating is really meant to be used in that context. Otherwise, everything seems cool
Dat checklist.
All male Mane Six... All female Mane Six... I can't tell you what I'm thinking right now.
2792407
Let's just hope reality doesn't come charging at her, it might not survive her bucking it in the face.
Haah. Dat line. I laffed.
Dusk, Elusive, Applejack, Blitz, Bubble... Where's dear Butterscotch?
2792407 Rarity could rise an army of rocks; her and Tom would rule Equestria with a diamond fist.
2792407
Coup d'État not coup de ate.
And don't you know that Rarity has a massive spy network throughout Equestria for keeping up to date on fashion that could easily be repurposed to topple Equestrian government as we know it?
Elements of Awesomeness?
Yeah. Yeah. No. That's just stupid. I think he's lying to look better.
If you really think Harmony doesn't work for the guys, try... Brotherhood. Or Unity.
2792602>>2792540>>2792425 i didnt think about those options. also, no ive never laced skin contact poison on clothing. ive always prefered a scythe to "harvest" my victims
Let the mayhem begin!
~Skeeter The Lurker
I love Rainbow Blitz personality. He really is the male Rainbow Dash.
2793198 sorry, its just i didnt have normal clothes in my childhood. my parents had to skin my grandparents to make our clothes. as for why i like scythe more than sickle, well... lets just say i met death. he's retired now
2793198
nah itd be funnier to enchant the clothes so that they block magic while rapidly shrinking and or strangling the wearer (The Conversion Borough fanfic)
i never said i killed him. he's my godfather. jeez, is death of others the only thing on your mind or something?
Very clever with Universe/Rule 63. Though, this makes me wonder what Universe 34 would be like...
Also:
These made me choke on my soup, laughing.
2793295 I've never met death, would you mind introducing me? I'd love to play poker some time.
2793355
True dat we've also found a way to broadcast the people who use that substance in form of widespread entertainment to those watching I call it Worlds Dumbest
2793521
meh i have a camera so i see it before it gets to youtube
2793574
dang ok you win lol where is it i need to set up some cameras
2793471 I thought he retired. Also, I'm bipolar. I can't really call it bipolar though, because I have multiple entities existing all at once.
Its been a long day, maybe I'll go to bed early....
*sees update*
well balls! bed will have to wait.
Dusk, you pervert.
So... What we're saying here is that... Dash reels in the colts?
2792700
I like how "The Elements of Unity" sounds.
2792425
With that line of thought, I don't want to know about universe 34.
This gon be good
I'm loving each reference for the chapter names. "Game of Pones", "Thinking with Portals"
:3
Hehehe, poor Dashie. She gon' git it.
That has got to be a horrifying revelation: you literally meet yourself only to discover you are a bit of an asshole.
2793352
That is easy— just browse all the green text posts on /mlp/.
"Nice"
lost my shit, damn Dusky, you funny 
best gender-swap story since "The Unexpected Love life of Dusk Shine" 
I didn't stop laughing at the checklist for a full 5 minutes. A record.
Since when does Blitz has to listen to
himherself? Why is Dash calling the shots?(you think being the same they would be arguing over who listens to who.)derpicdn.net/media/W1siZiIsIjIwMTMvMDYvMTMvMjNfNDNfMjBfODIyXzM0Nzk0NF9fc2FmZV9yYWluYm93X2Rhc2hfcnVsZV82M19yYWluYm93X2JsaXR6X3NlbGZfcG9uaWRveF9hcnRpc3RfY29sb25fZm94eGFyaXVzIl1d/347944__safe_rainbow%2Bdash_vector_rule%2B63_rainbow%2Bblitz_self%2Bponidox_artist-colon-foxxarius.png
Well this is fucking fascinating, I'm just a wee bit confused with this.
In this odd rule sixty-three-ified setup wouldn't Blitz be having problems with his dad?
I lost it at Dusk going "Nice" I'm sure it's been said, but this is one of the better R63 fics. I'm really liking where this is going.
2794788 Not unless both sets of both parents are judging. After all you can still be judgmental and not vocalize it.
2792526 He's there, just had nothing to add to the conversation.
CELeStIA: Computationally Enhanced Lexicographic Statistical Intelligent Agent.
2794613
It's the concussion.
2795114 Calculating Engine for Logarithms, Exponents, Systems, Trigonometry, Integers and Addition.
as decreed by FanNotANerd
Wow, awesome chapter, I hope I get to read more of this. You're visualizing the characters quite well.
2794788
I was wondering that myself.
This chapter was funny.
I wonder if RD and RB (mm... Root Beer) will end up falling in love?
I doubt I'm the only one who dragged out Dusk's "Nice" at the end.
*Say it with me*
"Niiice."
2792407 Shoulder pads and suit pants. If she went psycho with her dressmaking, just those two fashion faux pas could end all life as we know it. Just look at the 1980s and Hilary Clinton.
2796511 obviously not what`s going to happen.
2793860 So, Dashie has two plots?
2802032
It might. You never know!