• Published 18th Jun 2013
  • 10,287 Views, 298 Comments

The Perfect Stallion For Rainbow Dash - chief maximus



She's finally found a stallion that is everything she's ever wanted! He understands her competitiveness, needs for speed, and her hatred of boredom. There's just one problem. He could destroy the world.

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A Game of Pones

A Game Of Pones

"So good to see you again, sweetie," the mare from across the table said. Her multi-hued mane matched Rainbow Dash's, as did the stallion seated next to her.

"Yeah, thanks for taking me out to dinner," Dash replied, sliding the empty salad bowl away from her. Thankfully, food had delayed any conversation from turning to a most tender subject that had kept Rainbow making up excuses as to why she couldn't see her parents if they came to visit from Cloudsdale. Her ears folded down. A sideward glance from her mother to her father told her everything she needed to know. How she wished she could teleport, like Twilight, out of this restaurant before the first words came across the table.

"So, do you have a special somepony?" her mother asked, a bit too politely. To Rainbow, though, it was not polite at all. It was the same thing they inevitably asked her about every single time they visited. Sure, they'd have fun spending time with their daughter in her new town, but without fail, her mother couldn't go a visit without asking about her romantic life.

Dash sighed. "No, Mom."

"Oh."

That 'oh.' To an outside observer, it sounded innocent enough. But Rainbow knew that packed within those two letters, there was enough judgement for ten ponies. Luckily, her father never asked about anything like that. But he never stopped her mother from asking either, so he was guilty by association.

Just in time, the waiter came by to refill their drinks. Rainbow pulled him aside and ordered a double shot of tequila. She'd need it if she were to make it through another evening of her mother's judgmental staring contests.


At long last, Rainbow had bid her parents goodbye and found herself flopped onto her cloudy couch. Dash sighed, rubbing her eyes. The floor of her living room wasn't spotless, but it was far from a stye. A few scattered take-out boxes and old magazines littered it while Tank slowly navigated the obstacles in his path.

As she glanced around her living room, an intruding thought entered her mind. Why didn't she have a special somepony? She banished the idea. Her mother couldn't be right! Not that she didn't love her mother, but she certainly didn't love her diamond-dog-with-a-bone nagging. Once she got something in her head, she wouldn't stop bringing it up until the issue was resolved. Her daughter's love life was, unfortunately, no different.

Rainbow huffed, folding her forelegs across her chest. Why did she need a special somepony? Another pony would just slow me down! she thought. How could I have time for cuddling on my couch with another pony when I have to work and practice? I'd never have time to talk with someone after a hard day of work or have my wings rubbed when they were sore or... no! Dash flung herself off the couch and marched toward her room.

In contrast to her living room, her bedroom was relatively clean. Two vintage Wonderbolt posters hung framed on her wall, autographed by the team. She couldn't recall a time when her bed was ever made, as she never saw the point in making it every day. After all, she would just get back in it in a few hours, so why make it for nopony but herself to appreciate?

Rainbow trotted into her bathroom, catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror as she reached for her toothbrush with a wing. Her wind-blown mane was knotted in places, and her feathers needed a preening. The more she looked over herself, the more the intrusive thought from before began creeping in. Why didn't she have a special somepony?

It wasn't like she couldn't have gotten one. She just never tried! There had never been a task Rainbow Dash couldn't accomplish when she set her mind to it! Rainbow brushed her teeth with renewed vigor as she continued looking over herself in the mirror.

"Look at you. You're a hot, twenty-two year old mare, and you'll have stallions fighting each other over you!" Rainbow smiled at herself in the mirror. She'd show her mother. She'd show everypony! Dash would have a colt on her foreleg by the end of the week, tops! Her confidence renewed, she took a quick shower and went to bed. Laying on her mattress, a thought occurred to her that hadn't before. How would she introduce herself to any of the stallions in town? There weren't that many to begin with, and the only one she knew in passing was Applejack's brother.

An unfamiliar anxiety washed over her. She'd never had to introduce herself to others with the endgame being a date. How would she bring it up? Should she wait until it seemed like he's receptive to the idea? Or should she just cut to the chase and ask? All these questions and more raced through her mind as she stared at the ceiling. Dash could feel her confidence quickly evaporating as she considered the reality of her situation.

Rainbow ran a hoof through her mane. Who could she talk to about dating? Twilight would probably have a book on it, but since when have books ever done anything for anypony? she thought. I don't think AJ knows anything about that kind of thing, Pinkie would think it was just a game or something and I've hardly ever seen Fluttershy with anypony but us, so that leaves...

"Rarity." Rainbow moaned, dragging a hoof across her face. She knew what asking her for advice would likely entail. To anypony else, helping out a friend in exchange for some advice wasn't that big of a deal, but anypony else wasn't Rainbow. She figured she'd have to model a dress or give her opinion about a color scheme. Dash mulled it over in her head for a few more minutes as her eyes began to close.

She supposed as long as nopony saw her in whatever frilly dress Rarity wanted modeled, she could get it done quickly, and then soak up all of her tips and ideas about how to get stallions to go on a date. After all, Rainbow would only need to get a hoof in the door. Once whichever lucky stallion realized who he was fortunate enough to take to dinner or whatever it was ponies did on dates, he'd be practically asking her to marry him.

At least, that's how it went in the movies Rainbow had absolutely no interest in and therefore had never seen. Ever. Not once.


A knock at Rarity's door drew her from a form she'd been working on all morning since breakfast. She stuck the pins she'd been holding in her mouth into the form's chest angrily. A centerpiece of fabric simply wouldn't stretch over the chest of the mannequin. Realizing how fruitless asking a form to 'suck it in' would be, she trotted towards the door as her visitor continued knocking impatiently.

"Just a minute!" she called from inside, a mix of impatience and song in her voice. She reached the door and unlocked the deadbolt; the boutique wasn't set to open for another hour. Instead of a customer, Rainbow Dash waited nervously outside. Rarity always appreciated a visit from friends, but suffice to say that she had certain friends that were more inclined to visit her than others. "Rainbow, what a pleasant surprise. Do come in."

"Thanks, Rarity. Sorry for buggin' ya so early," Dash mumbled, stepping inside.

"Oh, it's not a problem. I wake up far earlier than this to get Sweetie Belle ready for school," she replied. Rarity walked back to her form, still debating the idea that she could have needed to let out a seam. "So, what brings you by so early?" she asked, not turning away from her task.

This was the moment for which Dash had steeled herself. She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about something..."

Rarity smiled. She knew Rainbow wouldn't be so bashful if it weren't a subject well outside of her comfort zone. "Come now! Don't be shy about it, darling." Rarity glanced over her shoulder.

A throaty groan escaped Dash's lips as she stomped her hooves. "Okay, okay." A calming breath settled her nerves as she took a seat on one of Rarity's many couches. "I wanted to ask you about... dating."

Rarity fought the urge to spit out the pins carefully stored between her lips. She returned the pins into the form's chest, blinking rapidly as she struggled for the right words. "Oh! Well... that's extremely flattering Rainbow, but I simply couldn't date one of my friends—"

Dash snorted in annoyance. "Not you! I want your advice on dating!"

Rarity breathed a sigh of relief as she faced Rainbow Dash. "Ah, well, why didn't you say so?" She smiled, levitating a waiting tea kettle from the stove and pouring a glass of tea before offering some to her guest. Rainbow declined as Rarity took a slow sip. "Dating is a rather broad subject. What exactly did you want to know?"

"Well... I just want to know how to ask a stallion on a date. I mean, do I just cut to the chase and ask? Do I dance around the question?" Rainbow's look of uncertainty was something Rarity was quite unfamiliar with. She took a moment to let Dash's question marinate in her mind.

"A lady never asks a stallion, it is always his job to initiate," she began, sipping her tea. "But, the rules of etiquette are constantly evolving, and it is not unheard of for a mare to take charge."

This wasn't exactly the answer Dash was looking for. She was all about definitives. Give her a black and white answer, and she was good to go. If there was one thing she hated, it was gray areas. "So which is it? Do I ask, or do I wait for him?"

Rarity sighed. "I wish I could give you a clear-cut answer for every situation. But the truth is, every stallion is different. You must simply play it by ear." Rainbow slouched. This was not going like she thought it would. "But, I can see the idea would make you a bit uncomfortable, so I'll do you a favor."

Dash swallowed nervously. "A favor?"

"Of course, darling. I can arrange a date with a few stallions I know in town." Her eyes flicked up from her tea. "But, do you think you could do me a favor in return?"

Rainbow sighed. The moment she'd been dreading had finally arrived. "Yeah, what is it?"

After Dash had held her pose for an excruciatingly long time in an uncomfortably tight dress, Rarity retrieved her little black book. "Okay, let's see who we've got..." She flipped through the pages of her book before stopping about halfway through. "Ah, I believe Big Macintosh is free this afternoon," she said, raising her eyebrows.

"Uh... well, I mean, I guess I could give him a shot."


MACINTOSH


Rainbow munched quietly on her food as they sat in the middle of a partially full dining room of the Hay Barrel. It billed itself as a 'country kitchen', but all that really seemed to mean was the decor gave the impression of eating inside a farmer's shed. She knew why Mac picked this place.

As odd as the atmosphere was, the food was good. As the meal wound down, she recalled a few tips Rarity had given her in regards to a successful date. The first step was good conversation!

"So, how's stuff going at the farm?" she asked genuinely.

"Fine. Lots a' apples this season I suspect," he replied plainly, glancing up at her from his three-wheat salad.

Rainbow nodded, swirling her remaining food around her plate with a fork. She knew he was a stallion of few words, but his stoic nature seemed to be stonewalling her attempts at holding a discussion. "Anything new with AJ?" she asked.

"Eenope."

Rainbow's eyes leveled at him, though he wouldn't have known; he was far more interested in his food.

The entire night he hadn't said more than a few sentences. Maybe he just truly wasn't her type. Then again, how could he be anypony's type if he didn't talk? Rainbow was growing a bit frustrated. She was trying her hardest to get to know this stallion, and he didn't seem to be putting any effort to get to know her. Was it possible Rarity neglected to mention this was supposed to be a date?

"Is there anything you want to talk about, or was this just an excuse for you to eat somewhere other than your house?" The annoyance came through loud and clear, causing Mac to look up from his plate. Not that there was any other way for him to enjoy his food. Earth ponies didn't have the benefit of being able to use utensils.

"I thought it kinda weird that Rarity wanted me ta go have dinner with you, and now I think I know what she was after," he explained calmly.

Rainbow raised an eyebrow. "You mean she didn't tell you this was a date?"

"She mentioned you were lookin' for a stallion ta spend some time with. I suppose it's partly my fault for not realizin' what she meant by that."

The tension in Rainbow's shoulders eased. It seemed they'd just gotten off on the wrong hoof. Still, Mac was pretty attractive. He had muscles, cut features, and he was a hard worker with a successful business. There was no reason this date couldn't be salvaged. "So, now that you know it's a date, you want to get ice cream or something? I kinda cleared my night for this."

Mac's eyes shifted as he glanced around the room. "I'd love to, but there's somethin' you need ta know about me before we go any further."

"Okay," said Rainbow.

"I don't like mares."

Rainbow's expression dropped. The dream stallion of nearly every mare in town didn't like mares!

"You mean, you're... gay?"

"Eeyup."

Dash let out a heavy sigh as the waitress came by and asked if there was anything else she could get for them. Rainbow could think of a few things.


"How could you not have known he was gay!?" Dash snapped at Rarity after bolting through an unlocked boutique window.

"Will you please keep your voice down!" Rarity shot back in a harsh whisper. "Sweetie Belle has school tomorrow!" Dash landed on the couch and glared at her. "I'm sorry, Rainbow, but how was I supposed to know? He never talks about himself!"

"He never talks about anything! I might as well have gone to dinner with a cardboard cutout of Big Macintosh!"

Rarity took a seat on the couch opposite Rainbow. "Besides, it's certainly unrealistic to think your first date in—how many years?—would net you the stallion of your dreams."

"He didn't have to be the stallion of my dreams! Just one that wasn't gay!" Rainbow replied shortly.

Rarity held up a hoof while closing her eyes. "Rainbow, I guarantee you that the next stallion is not gay. In fact, he just broke up with his marefriend."

Dash was wary of letting Rarity try again, but she figured the date with Mac was just a fluke. "Okay, I'll give you another chance."

Rarity smiled, clapping her hooves together. "Excellent, meet him tomorrow at the—"

"I'm picking the place this time," Dash insisted.


CARAMEL


Rainbow had the good sense to meet her next blind date at a bar in case she needed to make an exit. The Horn and Wings Tavern was just about the only watering hole in Ponyville, and the drinks were always cheap and strong. That would prove its worth if the date were to take a turn for the worse.

She arrived first and took a seat in a booth and waited. She had actually known of this pony as well. He'd been part of the Winter Wrap Up ground team every year. A shadow loomed over Dash as a surly voice rumbled behind her. "I thought I told you never to set hoof in my bar again?"

Without turning around, Dash growled a reply. "And I thought I told you the next time I came in here I expected a free drink." She turned to see a burly unicorn standing behind her, a look of contempt on his face before it broke into a laugh the both of them shared.

"It's been too long, Rainbow!" he bellowed. "I'd thought you'd forgotten about your old pal Frosty."

Dash chuckled. "You know nopony mixes a whisky sour the way I like them but you."

"Well, that's why I tend bar. So, what brings you by? Usually the alcoholics sit at the bar."

"I'm on a blind date."

Frosty raised his eyebrows knowingly. "Ah, you know I met my wife on a blind date. Maybe it'll work out better for you, though." Dash and Frosty shared another laugh before he offered her the free drink.

"Yeah, I guess I'll take it. Can't be too careful, right?" Rainbow replied. Frosty left to get her drink just before she spotted her date. Caramel was a tan colored pony with a wavy brown mane. He wasn't built like Macintosh was, but the soft lines of his face made him a different kind of handsome. Dash waved to him and got his attention. He slid into the seat across from her and smiled. So far that was more than she'd gotten out of Mac the entire evening.

"Rainbow Dash, right?" he asked.

"Yeah, I've seen you around town," she replied.

"Oh, heh, yeah, I do odd jobs, usually subbing for ponies when they're sick or something," he admitted sheepishly.

"That's gotta be pretty cool, though, getting to do all those different jobs." She was doing a great job at keeping the conversation going. Maybe her first date was just a fluke! Caramel seemed easy to talk to, and it didn't hurt that he was pretty good-looking.

"Yeah, some of them are, and sometimes they're not so fun. I had to pull a plow on a farm for a few weeks once. I was worn out every single day." He smiled at her, catching a small laugh in his throat. "But what about you? I bet being an Element of Harmony is all kinds of cool."

Rainbow recalled another tip Rarity had given her. If he asks about you, he's interested. A smile and a bit of a blush came to Rainbow's face as she realized Caramel could be second, third, and fourth date material. I knew finding a special somepony couldn't be that hard! she thought triumphantly.

The rest of the night went swimmingly, and by the end of the evening, the two of them had a serious buzz going. They stepped out of the bar and raced each other to the bench outside, laughing like foals as they went. Rainbow found herself liking Caramel much more than she thought she would at the outset of this date. She leaned against him on the bench as he put a foreleg around her. The night was going well, as ever more advice Rarity had given her sprung into her head.

A lady never gives herself to a suitor on the first date. You must leave something to his imagination. If you must do something, kissing is always a good way to show your affection.

Keeping this in mind, Rainbow devised a plan. "Hey, you want to go someplace a little more quiet?" she asked, looking up into his shining blue eyes.

Caramel nodded knowingly. "Yeah, I think we can do that."

Rainbow smiled and fluttered off the bench, tugging playfully at his hoof for him to follow her.

After a few minutes walk, they ended up in a field outside of town. They settled in a soft patch of grass, laying on their backs looking up at the stars. After a bit of forced conversation, Rainbow found herself leaning closer to his lips as he did the same. This is it, Rainbow! Now you can finally get your mother off your back!


ONE KISS LATER...


"I-it's just... Sassaflash and I used to come out here and look at t-the stars!" he sobbed, his tears now flowing down his cheeks.

Rainbow rolled her eyes. She had gone from having the hots for this stallion to outright pity. If there was any chance he had with her, it had evaporated. Apparently, Rarity had neglected to mention how attached he was to his former flame. I am going to cut Rarity for this, she thought as she tried to comfort the weeping stallion as best she could. Ignoring the extreme awkwardness now hanging over them both, she glanced up at the stars. Why is finding a cool, handsome-yet-awesome stallion so hard?


This time, Dash decided to knock on the door instead of flying through the window. Mainly because she had to carry Caramel back to his house after he'd passed out in the field, and her wings were sore. He was a lot more drunk, and a lot heavier than he looked.

Rarity answered the door, smiling brightly. Her smile faded as she met with Rainbow's annoyed stare. "Come now, there is no way Caramel is gay too!"

Dash stepped inside and stretched her wings before turning back to Rarity. "No, but he did start crying as soon as we stopped making out," she explained flatly. "Thanks for telling me he was one of those clingy types!"

A look of indignation came over Rarity. "How was I to know he'd still be hung up on her? They broke it off weeks ago!"

Rainbow sighed heavily, placing a hoof on her forehead. "Just forget it. Thanks for trying, Rarity." Dash exited a window before she could call out to her.

"Oh dear," Rarity said to herself, summoning her little black book. She levitated a quill and ink jar to her side and began scribbling. "Perhaps it is time I updated these entries..."


It was late as Dash flew across town towards her house. She wasn't the type to give up, but dating wasn't like sports or racing. She couldn't control what the stallions she'd encounter would be like. Those two dates were taxing enough! She shuddered to think that she might have to go on an untold number of them and still not find the stallion right for her. Half of her just wanted to find a stallion to show off to her mother to get her to stop asking when she'd get a special somepony, but the other half wanted to try for a meaningful, fulfilling relationship.

On her way home, she spotted many lights still burning inside the library where Twilight lived. Figuring she could possibly check on the latest Daring Do novel release date, she circled down, landing softly in the yard.

Rainbow lifted her hoof to knock, when she noticed the door was ajar. With a faint squeak, the hinges swung open. Dash stepped inside and called out for Twilight. Not a sign of her or Spike on the library floor or upstairs in her bedroom loft. It was then she noticed a light coming from the basement. Rainbow assumed her usual hover and floated down the stairs, peeking around the wall.

There, in between all the other machines in the makeshift laboratory, she saw Twilight and Spike observing a screen of some kind that seemed to be wired to a metal ring in the center of the room. Inside the ring, a pool of silvery liquid sat suspended, shimmering like water beneath the lights in the basement.

"Twilight?" Rainbow called, startling both her and Spike.

"Rainbow? How did you get down here?" Twilight asked, removing her goggles and taking off her lab coat. "I thought I told you to start locking the windows?" she whispered harshly to Spike.

"I did lock the windows!" he snapped.

"The front door was open," Dash said flatly.

Twilight glared at Spike before smiling at Rainbow. "Ah, well, what brings you by?"

"Nothin' much, just wanted to say hey. What's this thing?" she asked, gesturing to the monitor they'd been studying.

Twilight ordinarily liked to keep her experimental machines secret, but she never passed up an opportunity to show off her latest creation to a curious mind.

"It's my trans-dimensional portal creator!" Rainbow stared blankly at her, waiting for the inevitable explanation to follow. "It allows me to look at any of the infinite number of parallel universes!"

"Parallel universes?" Dash parroted dumbly.

A shine in Twilight's eyes brightened as she took a deep breath, ready to explain exactly what she meant. "There are an unlimited number of universes that exist just like ours do. They exist parallel to ours, some with only minor differences, some with differences so unthinkable, we'd hardly recognize them!"

Rainbow raised an eyebrow. "Differences like what?"

Twilight grinned. "I'm glad you asked." She stepped up to her console and began typing away with her magic. "What did you have for lunch today?" she asked.

"Roasted squash. Why?" A few strokes of the keyboard and an image of herself eating a cucumber sandwich appeared on the screen.

"In universe five hundred sixty six, you ate a sandwich!" Twilight exclaimed, as though it were the most exciting thing that had ever happened to her.

"That's the only difference? What I had for lunch today?"

"That's right! Now let's try some of these other more interesting ones I catalogued." Twilight began typing once more and a universe of bipedal creatures with hideous spider-like appendages on the ends of their hooves appeared on screen.

"Sweet Celestia, what are those?" Dash asked, withdrawing in horror.

"They call themselves 'humans'. Look, there we are!" Twilight zoomed in on a group of six, standing in a circle. The human version of herself seemed to be using one of her joints to keep a ball bouncing on her hind leg. The very thought of a leg bending that way sickened Rainbow.

"Next!" Dash pleaded, covering her eyes with her wings.

"Here we are as dragons in universe twenty-five," Twilight said. "And look, Spike's a pony!" She began typing away again, bringing them to a universe that looked identical to theirs, only with one slight difference. "And this, is universe sixty-three. This is what we'd look like if we were born stallions!"

Rainbow's jaw dropped as she looked at her gender-swapped friends. They were all there, including her! The male version of herself was quite... striking. He was built like Macintosh, yet seemed as confident and cool as she was. "So... is that guy... me?" she asked.

"Technically yes, but he lives in another universe, so technically no! Isn't trans-dimensional theory fun?"

"Sure," Rainbow nodded absently. "So, what is this part for?" she asked, pointing to the waist high silver pool.

"That's for interaction between universes. You can send things to the other viewed universes with it, but the effects on those universes are unknown and potentially catastrophic, so I've never used it."

Rainbow shot a confused glance at Twilight. "You've never used it? Then why did you build it?"

She opened her mouth to reply, only to realize she had none. "I... I'm not sure." Twilight's mood bounced back almost immediately. "But, I'm sure I'll find a use for it eventually!" Twilight glanced at the clock on the wall. "Wow, it's getting late!"

Rainbow nodded, checking the time. "Yeah, I'm pretty tired. You think I could crash on your couch tonight?"

Twilight smiled. She was always one for sleepovers. "Sure! Just let me get Spike in bed and I'll get you some blankets."

As Rainbow settled into her bed, her mind kept drifting to that stallion version of herself she'd seen earlier. What was it like to be a stallion? Had he just gone on a series of disastrous dates too? Was his mother constantly pestering him about when she'd have grandfoals? She had to know.

Once Rainbow was sure Twilight and Spike were asleep, she crept out of the living room and into the basement. The lights turned on automatically as a computerized voice welcomed 'Twilight Sparkle' back into the lab.

"That's not creepy..." Rainbow remarked, strolling back over to the machine they'd been using earlier. On the table beside the console sat a binder with the words 'A dummies guide to building and operating your own inter-dimensial portal creator.'

Rainbow grinned to herself. "Sometimes it's too easy." She flipped the binder open and found the operations page of the manual. As she scanned the lines, she looked up from the book. A large 'on/off' button stared back at her. She pushed it, and the machine hummed to life. She snapped her head back towards the basement stairs, listening carefully for the sound of an awakened Twilight. Hearing nothing, she turned back to the console.

She grabbed a stirring rod from a nearby counter with her wing and typed in the correct numbers one by one to re-open the portal to the universe with her male self. At this point, all she wanted to do was see how he lived his life, and how things were for the opposite sex version of herself.

The screen flickered to life and she saw her counterpart lying awake in bed. He looked disheartened, a frown gracing his sturdy jaw. "What a rotten date..." he muttered to himself, though Rainbow could hear every word.

Had he just gotten done with a bunch of bad dates too? The coincidence was a stretch, but Dash decided to keep listening. He groaned to himself as he flung a pillow across his bedroom. "I'll never get Mom off my back now!"

He had! This stallion had just gone through what she had to the letter, Rainbow would have bet! At that moment, she had a thought that was also vocalized by her male counterpart.

"Why can't I just date somepony like me?"

Dash looked up at the screen, then towards the shimmering portal Twilight had shown her earlier. A smile spread across her face as she hovered back upstairs, leaving the machine on.

Author's Note:

Large thanks to my usual editors Cyne, Fan, Razed and q97 for their input, as well as my new ones RainbowBob, Rainbowloyalty (who actually isn't new at all) and cheese bread eddy! All of you have done great work, and for those who offered their services, I thank you!