Midnight yawned widely, exposing and extending her fangs and dragon-like tongue as she stretched out on her bed. Well, nest would be more accurate. Pillows, a blanket, and sheets were twisted and intertwined all over the place with her curled up in the middle. It had taken a few days, but the house was finally complete, with a new wing carved into the mountain that she herself had done. The wing included more space for the living room and her own bedroom, with her own private bathroom. The upstairs had also been finished; thankfully it had been in better shape than the downstairs. The second floor had two small bedrooms, one larger one, and a communal bathroom. For the most part the only thing wrong with it had been the lack of furniture, which she may or may-not address in the future, depending how things worked out. She had also built a small outside work place where she could lay out logs for chopping and organizing, and a shed a little further out and closer to the forest. As to why she had built it she was keeping close to the vest and not telling anypony.
With her morning wake-up routine finished she slipped off the bed and headed for the kitchen for some coffee and whatever pastry she happened to have. She passed the new couch in the living room, which Pinkie had given her, saying something about “couch emergencies”. She was a funny mare, but still very weird. The kitchen also had a new table and cabinets. These had come about in a more sensible way. The day before AJ and her big brother Big Mac (who had been startled to meet a pony bigger then himself other than a princess) had come over and asked if there was anything they could do to help. They’d ended up helping Midnight carve a couple of trees she’d fell earlier into the table and cabinets. Midnight had made a mental note to properly thank them sooner or later.
Just as she poured the boiling hot liquid into her mug she heard the muffled clank of her mail box being opened and closed. Entering the front store section she could see several letters on the floor near the door. Why would anyone write her anything? Tartarus, who even knew she was now here in Ponyville? Reaching down she scooped up the mail with her wing talon and looked at it.
It became quickly apparent a big mistake had been made. None of the envelopes had her name or address on them. “You have got to be kidding me.” She face-hoofed and let the appendage slide down her face. It was too early for this. Just because it was dawn and the day had officially begun didn’t mean she needed problems right off the bat. Letting out a large sigh/yawn, she placed her mug on the counter and walked out front to find the mail mare. Thankfully she was still in sight, heading in the direction of the school. “Hey!” Midnight called out feebly, tiredness still clinging to her. When it was clear the mare hadn’t heard her she sighed again and took flight, skimming along the ground until she caught up with her. “Hey!” This time the mare did turn around, startled by the sudden appearance of the much larger one.
She was a grey pegasus mare with eyes that matched her blonde mane and tail. She had bubbles for a cutie mark, and she had wall-eyes, with one looking down and the other one up. “Oh! Good morning!” she said cheerfully. How anypony could be so chipper in the morning was beyond Midnight.
“Morning” she replied back. “Look, I’m just here because you gave me the wrong mail.” The pegasus gasped, more than was needed to in Midnight’s opinion.
“I am SO sorry! I’m sure I have the right ones here somewhere!” The mare immediately began digging through her mailbag, letters and packages falling out as she did so. Midnight looked on with a mixture of annoyance and sympathy. When the mare turned her bag upside down to dump everything out, she finally decided to intervene.
“Look, I don’t think there’s anything in there for me; I just wanted to give you this mail back so it can go to the proper ponies.” The mare stopped panicking, but she still looked downtrodden.
“Oh, okay.” She took the mail from Midnight and put it back into her bag, then both mares proceeded to pick up the rest of the mail. “I’m sorry. If you want to report me, you can head down to the post master’s.” Midnight gave her a look.
“Why would I report you? You just mixed up some letters.”
“But I always do this at least once a day and ponies get angry at me for it.”
“Well, just take it a bit slower. You’ve got time.” The pegasus shook her head.
“I work another job after this, and the sooner I get this one done the sooner I can go to the other one, and I need both to help support myself and my little muffin. I try and get both done as soon as I can so I can spend the rest of the day with her. Schools over right now but I still like to get home as soon as I can.” Midnight simply stared at her as she handed over the last of the mail. Two jobs and supporting a kid, and she made sure they had time together. This mare was one Tartarus of a mom.
“Well, I’m not gonna report you, since it really isn’t that big of a deal, and if you can’t help but mix things up…well… just… you can take a quick coffee break with me over at my house. It’ll… help us both wake up in the morning.” Midnight felt completely weird. Twilight had said she needed to open up more, but this felt completely too far for her. The mail mare’s face lit up, and, before she knew what was happening, Midnight had been pulled into a tight hug.
“Oh, thank you thank you thank you! I promise I’ll do my best not to screw up until I get to your house! I’ve got to do something to thank you! Oh, me and Dinky can make you a whole tray of muffins! Oh, and my name is Derpy Hooves!” Derpy grabbed Midnight’s claw and shook it.
“I’m Midnight Storm, but, Derpy, that’s not-”
“Well, I gotta get back to the route! Bye Midnight!” Before she could finish, Derpy had finished shaking and had hurried off, this time with an extra kick, well, wing, in her step. A bit bemused, Midnight trotted back to her house. ‘Meh, muffins would taste better than leftover cake in the morning. *pause* I need to go food shopping.’
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With a loud *Crack* the last log of wood split, both pieces falling to either side of the chopping block. Midnight picked them both up, placed them on the newest pile, then wiped the sweat from her forehead. She’d just finished turning her first tree of the day into firewood, and if she kept it up she could have a third one downed and ready for tomorrow before the day was out. She’d determined that summer would be the best season to get as much done as she could, this way when fall and winter came, she’d already have a large stock and spend more time at the front counter collecting bits than chopping down trees for impatient customers. It was hot, dirty work, but come fall she’d barely have to do anything.
Deciding it was a good time to at least get a drink; she wandered back inside and came back out a minute later with a cold glass of water. The ice-cold water felt good as she drank it, and she chugged it down. As she was about to go back in for another cup, she heard voices coming from the front of her house. Placing the glass down on her work bench she went towards the front.
“I still don’t see why we can’t go to the playground too!”
“Like, because it’s like I said; we don’t want you two shooting off your magic and, like, burning it down.”
“We wouldn’t do that! And besides, Cheerilee lets us on all the time during the school year!”
“Well, like, Cheerilee isn’t here to put out whatever fires you guys make so we’ll, like, play there before you two do.”
Midnight came around the front of her house to see four fillies on the road. Two had their backs to her and seemed to be blocking the other two. The one closest to her was a pink with a white and purple maned earth pony topped with a tiara. The one next to her was also an earth pony, grey with a white mane and glasses.
The two unicorn fillies trying, and failing, to defend their right to the playground looked like they were getting close to tears. The one in front of the pink bully was a sort of purple-ish grey with familiar blonde hair and eyes. The other unicorn was pink in both mane and coat, although her coat color was closer to Pinkie’s than the muted pink of the bully. She also looked familiar.
“So, now that we’ve, like, explained it to you, again, you can just wait here or go home!” With that, the pink bully reached out and flicked the grey unicorn’s snout. Midnight snorted. She hated bullies, especially ones that thought they were entitled to the world, and that flick to the filly’s nose was too far.
“Hey!” All four fillies jumped and the bullies whirled around to see Midnight striding towards them, a look of anger in her eyes. They all had looks of shock and fear, which caused Midnight to slow some, but both bullies quickly recovered.
“And just what do you want?” the tiara-clad filly asked, sarcasm dripping from her voice.
“Well, for starters, you can stop yelling so loud. I don’t appreciate all the noise you lot are making. Second, you’ve got no right to tell other ponies what they can and cannot do. So either shut your trap and go play or get lost.” Any smart remark the filly was going to make died right there, and the other three fillies gasped.
“Excuse me!? Do you even KNOW who my daddy is!?”
“Unless he’s a princess, I don’t give a flying monkey WHO he is, now get off my property!” Midnight’s lip curled, exposing her fangs. The filly was turning a nice shade of red, but the fangs seemed to put her off.
“I-I’ll tell my daddy you threatened me! He can have you arrested!”
“I never made a threat, but I can have you arrested for trespassing.” It was a bluff, and a poor one, but it seemed to work.
“Y-Yeah, well, we don’t want to play anymore anyway, right Silver Spoon?” The grey bully nodded vigorously and they both slinked out from between Midnight and the two other fillies. Once they were away the one with the tiara called back, “I’m still telling my daddy you freak!”
There are certain buttons that should never be pushed when it comes to Midnight Storm. Diamond Tiara had just pushed one. In response, Midnight jumped up into the air and charged them, blowing out a long jet of flame. The two bullies disappeared with twin screams of fear. It had only been a mock charge, but it worked all the same. When she was done she went back to the other two fillies, both of whom were holding each other and seemed on the verge of crying.
“P-P-P-Please d-d-d-don’t e-e-e-eat u-u-u-us!” the grey-ish filly said, her voice cracking. Midnight sat down and folded her wings back in in an attempt to look less threatening.
“I wouldn’t eat fillies even if I was starving. I’m just really good at scaring bullies.” They both began to stop shaking, and the pink unicorn even managed to chuckle.
“It was kinda fun to see somepony finally tell those two off, right Dinky?” the grey-ish filly nodded.
“Would’ve been nicer if we weren’t so close.” All three ponies chuckled.
“I remember seeing you earlier this week” the pink one told her, “so you live here now?” Midnight nodded.
“I just moved into town this week. I’m Midnight Storm.” She extended a hoof, and the pink filly took it and shook.
“I’m Ruby Pinch, but everypony calls me Pinchy, and this is Dinky.” Dinky nodded and also shook hooves.
“You know she’s going to tell her dad, and you’ll really be in trouble then.” Dinky told her, a bit of fear working its way into her face.
“Well, is he rich or strong or both?”
“Rich.” Pinchy said. “Diamond Tiara’s family is the richest in Ponyville. They own the ‘Barnyard Bargains’ stores.” There was a pause, then Midnight began laughing.
“Barnyard Bargains!? That dump!?” She began laughing so hard she fell over while the two fillies looked puzzled. When she had enough composure Midnight stood back up. “Girls, that place is considered almost as bad as the One-Bit stores! The only good thing they sell is that whatever-apple jam they get in the spring.”
“Well, how are they so rich then?” Dinky asked. Midnight could only shrug.
“Well... now that I think about it, most of what they sell is junk, but it is cheap, and when you live in the city you do try and save as much as you can, so… maybe they do better than I thought.”
“That would make sense.” Dinky said.
“Still sells junk though. In any case I’m not worried about it, and you two have a clear road to the playground.” She turned to head back to work when something she just remembered caught her attention. “Hey, Dinky.” The filly turned to look at her. “You don’t happen to know the mail mare Derpy, do you?” Dinky’s eyes went wide.
“Whatever she did, she didn’t mean to!” In an instant Dinky was at her hooves begging. “She just messes up once or twice and she really needs the job! Please, don’t report her!”
“Whoa there kiddo! I’m not going to report her!” The filly acted just like her mother. “I was talking to her this morning and she just happened to mention your name, that’s all.” Dinky looked up at her with wet eyes. “I’m serious, that’s all.”
“Okay” she said quietly.
“Dinky, from what I heard your mom is a hard worker, and I bet anypony would love to hire her on.” That seemed to pirk the unicorn up.
“Speaking of jobs, shouldn’t you be at work too?” Pinchy asked.
“I work right here. I cut wood for a living.”
“How?” she asked. Then she saw Midnight’s tail and let out an “Ooooooh.” With a nod, Midnight began walking back around the house, then realized that both fillies were following her with curious, scrutinizing eyes. It was very unsettling.
“Um, didn’t you girls want to go to the playground?” They both nodded, but still followed her back to her work bench. Finally, Pinchy spoke up.
“What kind of pony are you anyway? You’ve got all those different parts.”
“And you’re really big and can breathe fire too.” Dinky added.
“Well, I’m what’s known as a Kirin.” Confused stares. “I’m half pony and half dragon.” Comprehension dawned on their faces.
“Wait, how does that even work?” Pinchy asked. “Dragons are HUGE, and ponies are small. Well, by comparison anyway. Applebloom’s big brother is pretty big for a pony.”
“She one of the Apples?”
“Yeah.”
“I met Big Mac just the other day. He and Applejack helped me with some furniture, and yes, he is indeed big for a pony. Also, my dad was a dragon, but you could say he was on the small size. I think he was a bit bigger than me, but then I was only about two the last time I saw him, and I don’t remember much.” Midnight fell silent, and the two fillies knew she didn’t want to talk about it anymore.
-----------------------------
Sometime later two more ponies came walking down the path past Midnight’s house on their way to the playground. “That was really nice of her to do that Derpy. I’d have offered sooner, but since I’m near the end of your route…”
“That’s okay Berry, I know you’re still asleep then, so I wouldn’t want to bother you.” Both mares smiled at each other, but they soon lost them when they caught sight of an empty playground.
“Didn’t the girls say they were going to the playground by the school?”
“Yeah, and I don’t know of any other playgrounds in town.” They both quicken their pace, hoping the girls were just playing hide-and-seek just in the tree line, when they passed Midnight’s house and heard very familiar voices around back. Stopping to hear better, they recognized the voices of their daughters and another pony. They walked around the front of the house and saw both fillies sitting on a log chatting with a large black pony with a blue mane. “Oh, that’s right! This is Midnight’s house!” With that, Derpy bounded forward with Berry Punch taking a slower gate towards her foal.
“Mommy!” Dinky called out at the sight of her mom.
“Muffin!” Derpy scooped up her filly in a big hug.
“I thought you two were heading to the playground?” Berry asked.
“We were, but then we ran into Midnight Storm, and she’s really cool. She’s that mare that was with Spike earlier this week.” Berry could tell when Pinchy was lying; call it a mother’s instinct and that Pinchy had no poker face. Deciding she’d get the truth later, she turned to the mare called ‘Midnight Storm’, then drew back a bit. Yes, she remembered the mare from earlier in the week, but she was still somewhat unsettling up close, what with the size, slitted eyes, larger-than-normal wings, and bladed tail.
“That’s right, we did. How are you?” They shook hooves, and Berry noticed it wasn’t as strong a shake as she imagined it would be.
“I’m fine, thanks.
-----------------------------
“So that’s what happened. I knew Pinchy was lying about how they met you, but I can see why.” The three adults were sitting around the work bench chatting over some coffee while the two fillies played with a ball Berry had brought. Berry’s faced darkened. “Figures that two-faced brat and her equally snotty friend had something to do with it.”
“I take it she has a reputation?” Midnight asked dully. Berry and Derpy groaned.
“I’ll admit Filthy Rich isn’t that bad of a pony. A bit stuck up, but generally a nice guy. However, he can never seem to wrap his head around the idea that is precious daughter his anything but a well-mannered princess. I swear, that filly could get away with MURDER; literally.”
“And, how influential in the town is he?”
“He buys local goods and gives to some charities, but other than that he’s just another resident.”
“He does have a big house though!” Derpy told them, her front legs spreading out to emphasize how big it was.
“Big houses aside, I don’t think you have much to worry about Midnight. When he comes knocking about ‘how you’ve mistreated his little princess’, just take it with a grain of salt and do what everypony does.”
“What’s that?”
“Avoid the brat like the plague.” They chuckled. Midnight couldn’t explain it, but hanging out with these two felt… well, right. No uncomfortable feeling, no feeling ashamed, just a feeling of belonging. It felt really good. Just then Berry’s eyes flew open. “I’ve just had an idea! Midnight, how about you join us for Poker Night?”
“Poker Night?”
“Yeah, that’s a great idea!” Derpy said, her wings flapping happily.
“We haven’t had one yet, but that’s only because we’re looking for a fourth player. Lyra Heartstrings has been our third for some time, and she hasn’t been able to get her marefriend Bon Bon to join us.”
“I haven’t been able to get Carrot Top either.”
“Is she your marefriend?” Midnight asked.
“Nah. We’re just best friends. Have been since their age.” Derpy said, motioning to the fillies. “We also live in the same house; it’s cheaper than owning my own.”
“Well…” Midnight gave the idea some thought, then nodded. “I guess it’ll be fun.” Both mares cheered.
-----------------------------
It was past sunset when Filthy Rich and his daughter Diamond Tiara reached Midnight’s home. “Don’t you worry honey; daddy will take care of the mean lady” he told his pouting filly. After several wraps on the door, it opened to reveal a not-so-pleasant looking Midnight. After recovering from the shock of what she looked like, the stallion cleared his throat. “Miss Storm, my name if Filthy Rich, and I-”
“Hold it right there.” Midnight told him, raising a hoof. “I know exactly who you are and why you’re here, so let’s cut to the chase. First, your foal is a brat,” both ponies gasped.
“Now, see here!”
“And I’m standing by that.” Midnight spoke over him. “Second, if you don’t like what I’m saying, then you stay away from me, and I’ll stay away from you. Case closed, everypony’s happy, have a nice night.” With that, Midnight slammed the door in their faces.
So far it's not a bad story compared to the usual.
Most of the time a Dragon/pony hybrid story is shit, plain and simple. The character is always a Gary Stu loaded with too many powers/immunities and the traditionnal dark/mysterious past.
And so far you managed to avoid some of these traps. The MC is not friend right away with the full cast, doesn't seem to outfly RD, don't pull magic tricks out of his ass for no reasons, there is no transparent romance in the air and she have a plausible job so far.
You got enough descriptions to help the reader picture what happen, the characters seems to act accordingly to their canon personnality and the MC is not one of these goody-two-shoes MC ( she's cynical, abrasive and paranoid enough to make her credible for me ).
My main complaint is :
I REFUSE the fact that Celestia is not aware of her existence.
In a world with cops and travelings salesponies news travels FAST. And if she's been droved out of every single equestrian towns for years, Celestia ( or her spy networks ) is bound to be aware of the existence of a creature like this. So thread carefully around this issue.
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thank you for the critique, it is much appreciated.
being a mary/gary sue was exactly what I was trying to avoid here. I like the look of alicorns more than them being uber powerful, and I felt that her having a horn only from having a unicorn mom was a good move (hell, we've got tail bones but no tails)
about your complaints: yes, I am doing my best to tred lightly with those. the idea later on is that her family was able to keep her well hidden, even despite how she gets her cutie mark. on top of that, as soon as 1 pony sees her for what she really is, she halls flank out of town. (run out my just be her paranoia). I'm not really used to writing summeries, since this is my first really dedicated fanfic, so I ask for just a little leeway on that.
my proof reader is more for making sure the pacing and the characters feel right, and they've given thumbs up to each of the chapters I've written so far, so right now the one thing that I'm worried about is that I'm putting too much in the begging before I get to where I want to be (when I get to season 2 and 3 there is going to be SO much stuff going on).
then again, I've got so many ideas that maybe it just feels like I'm going slow in the beginning.
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and when it comes to Celestia knowing things, I would like to simply cite "Swarm of the Century"
that is all
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The main difference is your world is a darker Equestria.
Twilight ask right away if Midnight is a NM Cultist and spy. Midnight threaten Twilight and friends, and DT to call the COPS if they keep trespassing.
In a world with COPS, CULTIST and SPIES, Celestia HAVE to be aware of everything ( or have a solid spy network ) to prevent any cultist/spy/criminal lord to wreck havoc on her land. It's mandatory, you can't include spies/cops in a world and leave the leader of the land clueless about these kind of things, it just doesn't work. Especially with an immortal leader who need to be involved in everything to keep the peace for thousands of years.
I am so, so, so sewry! I realize I said I'd be writing you something by the end of the week, like, two weeks ago, but... stuff happened. Okay, the real story is that this was my brother's birthday week and it was strenuous to say the least. I literally and honestly completely forgot I was writing you something, and only just a few days ago stumbled upon it and made myself get it the Hell done. Allow me to bend all the way backwards so you can compulsively punch me in the stomach. But here's the thing I wanted to give you:
> Midnight Storm... That's a very... interesting name. Sounds woven from a combination of two words that both sounded cool, pretty, and badass. That's not a good thing. I would suggest giving her something that rolls off the tongue a bit better, unless you plan on giving a meaning behind that title. Perhaps she was conceived at midnight and it just happened to be on the night that God sneezed. In my opinion, badass names cannot just be given to a character unless they're earned or actually signify something other than just being... y'know, badassitude. But Midnight, in spite of her Mary Sue characteristics, actually strikes me as a very interesting character idea with a lot of potential. I especially like these two things: the fact that she's nomadic and the fact that she's really dang big - unnaturally big, in fact. Your story strikes me as being something based mainly on the past of Midnight rather than the potential future, and that's what I think you have best going for her. Rather than just doing what most lazy brony writers on FF do with simply implying that her life was hard, I like the idea of you actually showing how, expressing her past from a retrospective position. That sounds like an idea for a story that's badass in the intellectual style.
> Though, Midnight still has some problems I'd like it if you could deal with, most of them just having to do with a need for exposition. I don't like the fact that Midnight has Nightmare Moon eyes. This is a classic fanfiction mistake - giving your OC an arbitrary, but cool looking and archaic retina aesthetic just doesn't, doesn't, doesn't work. Now, as I said, it's an exposition thing; what you can do to fix this is to give it an interesting explanation, and I actually do mean interesting. It can't be some arbitrary and ultimately pointless backstory like 'she ate a magic berry'; it's actually gotta be plot-relevant. Maybe her eyes are gonna have some significance in the story later on? That's fine, then; keep the eyes. But are they just some social stigma or made in an effort to make your protag an outcast? Get rid of 'em! Noa!
> Next thing I've already brought up in an epic display of my ADD - Midnight's name is just too badass. Well, I did say that it'd be fine if she earned it, but even then, a name with more than two cool words just doesn't do it for me, and that's why I've taken something of a disliking to Rainbow Dash's and Twilight Sparkle's aesthetic traits. Try either just Storm or Midnight. Both are really cool names that roll off the tongue well and aren't too overly-epic. Simple as that; just remove one of the words. If you asked for my opinion, I'd say Storm is the better option, but I think that's just because I like the drawback to the comic book character, devious ol' me.
> I don't really mind that Midnight is black coated. Not at all actually. But try to remember that in fanfiction, the colors of black and red should be avoided like a disease that turns your urethra into a cactus. It goes a long way to making people have that instinctual 'she's a Mary Sue, and this story sucks' response that comes with reading slice-of-life tales about OCs. Though it doesn't apply to me, it actually does apply to a Helluva lot of others. This small and very simple thing can cause you a lot of pain and misery, so be careful about it, m'kay? I kind solution would be making her either dark grey or an even darker blue. Both go well with her name, fit that Nightmare Moon aesthetic you're gunning for, and are just much better for an OC. For me, 'black' doesn't equal mysterious; it just means black. You wanna make your character an enigma? Make her a darker version of an actual color, and you'll get all the bitches.
> 'Thrown for a loop.' I love you for using that expression.
> You characterized Pinkie Pie fairly well for a first try. I say fairly well, because, though there was nothing I could ever claim she wouldn't have done or said, no scene of her's in the first chapter made me jump out of my seat, clap my hands together and go 'Fuck yeah! That's totally fucking Pinkie!' Still though, the characterization was acurate and not overbearing at all, compared to a lot of other refuse on this site. So feel happy, son; you're already doing better than sixty percent of Fimfiction. Don't get too cocky, though, as that's not too hard to achieve. Though, there's one caveat: using her to explain the color of Midnight's eyes was a bad move. Don't do that. You're the one who's supposed to describe her eyes, m'kay?
> Generally, question marks are supposed to come before exclamation points. Minor pet peeve of mine, but I demand you fix it!
> Your first scene has the greatest last sentence in the history of the world. Though, Pinkie does not gallop; she bounces, you imbecile! *pulls hair out in a pathetic fit of rage*
> Though, I'm a little sketchy on the idea of only one available house being in Ponyville, I'll roll with it, since there's nothing in the show, I think, that contradicts it. Not to mention, I like the thought of Midnight fixing up an old house in isolation while a bunch of ponies bother her.
> Oh yeah, your dialogue needs some work, too. Allow me to give you a few grammar lessons: Never use too many conjunctions and commas in a single sentence. It sounds awful and unnatural and not at all how people talk, so you see what I mean, and I know you do, or do you, really, but no seriously? Alright, I'm being a dick. This sentence is full of failure, if you want me to be cruelly honest. I understand that you want to make it one loud burst of withheld anger, but it simply doesn't work well. You got three problems with it; the first being that that you repeat 'right now' and 'game' twice. That's an atrocity, mang! Second is that she's giving too much information in one sentence. She likes her privacy, and she's busy going to the town hall? Please separate these two things. Last of all, I can see what you were trying to do with the 'Leave. Me. Alone!' thing, but that kind of dialogue method is really annoying. There's nothing that says you can't do it, but generally, people tend to hate that. Or is that just me? Ultimately, you monologue there should end up looking more like this. With a few additions to iron out a bunch of other small quirks - the fact that 'stop bothering me' and 'leave me alone' are basically the same thing, for instance.
> Next dialogue problem I have is that you shouldn't put character a's action in character b's same paragraph. Like when Mayor Mare was explaining to Midnight that there was one house left, and in that very paragraph, you said that Midnight smiled. Don't do that. Tell us that Midnight smiled in the paragraph where she talks. If she never end up talking, put the action in its own paragraph, anyway.
> A wood cutter?! Dammit, man, that is the coolest thing ever and you should feel like a baws, right now! That's actually a very original occupation for a pony, and I'm proud of you for picking it. I am very proud, son.
> Per se =/= per say. Jus' Sayin'...
> I really liked your description of the decayed house. Nice and detailed, as well as, (having just read 'The Earth Without Us', myself), not in any way betraying logic. Good job. Though, I hate the idea of electricity, gas, and water just magically being there. I'd prefer it if you'd simply say that she got the utilities turned on as soon as she bought the house. Makes much more sense.
> One more thing, your description work is solid at best. Definitely fine, but still carrying some inherant problems. Such as missuse of commas, generally bad fomatting, etc. I'd recommend you get an editor, and I just happen to know one you could hire... *tugs shirt collar and points at own self*. Yes, I'm entirely willing to help show you the ropes for description. It's not really a forte of mine, but I know all the ways of ironing small problems out and fixing quirks up. As I said, your description is fine, but it's let down by a myriad of errors and what have you. I can fix those for you, and you'll have a significant improvement. Though, it's merely an offer. Accept it if you want to. Or don't. I don't caaaaare (reverse psychology).
So what you have ultimately, is a pretty solid story overall. Buuuut, it's kind of... well, nothing really tie grabbing happens in it. I mean, it's a fine story, definitely. It's just not especially interesting. Now, that's not a bad thing for people who don't mind this, but a good damn lot actually do, and that's probably what I can diagnose for you lack of attention. It's a good enough story, not at all bad enough to hate for any significant reason, but not really something a person could describe as 'worth reading'. So - and I know this isn't what you wanna here - I'd recommend you mostly rewrite it. Start from scratch so that you can better it and give it a unique twist. As I said, I'm willing to help you out on that front. Just note me up and I'll be right on the job.
See ya 'round, mate.
~DC
2963946 gonna need some time to answer this properly.
Name: Midnight’s name wasn’t conceived because she’s a badass, although I certainly see how she’s designed makes it seem that way, and her looks defiantly inspired the name because I wanted to describe what she looks like in her name. But, it wasn’t the first thing that popped into my head. I just kept trying out different names (none of which I can remember) until one day the name ‘Midnight Storm’ came out and it felt just right; the way it seemed to just roll of the tongue and I honestly feel that it’s a subtle sounding name (by midnight most people are asleep so a storm would go largely unnoticed). At this point as well I’ve incorporated both parts of her name in the upcoming parts in the story (I hope you noticed that the title of the story reflects the first part of her name). As to the reason that will be given in the story, well you’re just going to have to wait like everyone else. Most times characters will also be simply refereeing to her as Midnight, so hopefully that will tune down the badassery for you.
Features: I follow you on NM eyes and their prevalence in the fandom, however I was trying to blend dragon and pony and come out with as seamless a blend as possible. I want to make it known now that there is a difference between draconic eyes (Spike’s, other dragons’, bat ponies’) and NM’s eyes: NM has color whites, while all the others have normal whites. Midnight has ‘normal’ draconic eyes. Pinkie and Twilight simply compare her with NM because of her coat color and that both mares have blue eyes, albeit two different types. This also leads me to her coat colors. I think I should also mention here that I conceived Midnight with a OC creator (I know it’s a strike against both me and the character but just bare with me) and blue and black are my two favorite colors. “Well, couldn’t you simply reverse them then?” I’ve tried it and it doesn’t feel right to me. As I’ve said before, I’ve come up with Midnight first and built the story around her, and for now I can tell you the black coat comes from her father (her was a black dragon), and the blue hair she inherited from her mother. The black and red alicorn is another trope in the fandom that I am well aware of and that is why I’ve gone to length to hammer in how different she is (not an alicorn, horn is basically useless).
Pinkie Pie: I knew even before I started writing that I wasn’t going to be able to do Pinkie justice, but it seems I done at least somewhat of a good job. Hell, Discord’s easier because writing for him can really be put down to a really crazy mad-libs game: at least there’s SOME structure to a degree. Pinkie is just… beyond random and out there. And while it is true she bounces a lot, she DOES also run around, especially when she’s determined or angry, so I make no apologies for the end of the first scene.
Sorry, but I feel this: !? looks better than this: ?!
The House: Yes, it’s rather difficult to believe that that was the only available house in town, but I had a good idea about the house I wanted her in.
The offending sentence has been dealt with.
Dialogue: I can defiantly see what you’re getting at and I’ve looked through all the books and novels I’ve read and I don’t know where I’ve gotten the habit of righting like that. But I can tell you that I’ve already tried writing it the way you told me, and just like with the !? it just flows more naturally with me. During a conversation what they’re saying is more important than their actions (I also know this point can be argued) for me, so that’s why I structured it like I did, and again it just feels, and looks, right. This may simply change with practice so I’ll keep trying, but no guarantees.
Job: this is what probably drove me nuts early in Midnight’s development. Nothing really seemed to fit her personality. She’s not a gardener and stuff that puts her in the spotlight, like singing for example, where out of the question. Finally it came to me one day that her tail blade could be used to chop wood, and no character in the show yet shown has been shown to be a wood cutter, even though many of the homes in the show have fire places, including Celestia’s own living quarters, show it seemed like a nice, proper niche for her to fill. The fact that it’s also a somewhat lonely occupation made that choice easier too.
Finally, I’d like to tell you that I have been looking over the comma thing (my proof reader also mentioned this) and I have been going through the chapters and rectifying it. As for an editor, I’m sorry but my aunt has found out about my fanfic and has agreed to be my editor, seeing as she works for a book company and has had a book published herself. However that does not mean I don’t want further input from you; on the contrary, I want you to point out certain things like these to help me continue improving!
One last thing as well: I am NOT rewriting this. It has taken me a year to come up with characters and a story line and I’m not just tossing any of that hard work out. Rearrange it and use it in different spots, but I’m not changing it much. Yes, I’d like it if it was liked and faved more, but I’m not out to be the next Pen Stroke. What I’m doing here is giving life to an idea I’ve had and devoted time to, and if others don’t like it, then that’s what’s meant to be.
3088540 Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh fuck, oh dear. I am so sorry, but I hope you can understand that my computer has a very distinct problem with message notifications. My message centre must've done the periodical wipe and I never got around to reading your reply . Gah, screw me, dammit!
But I don't have time to answer today, unfortunately (schoooooooool). I'll get to it over the weekend. Just letting you know.
As for the editing thing, though, just send me a draft by PM and I'll be on it as soon as possible. Simple as that.
EDIT: Oooooo... I like your new cover art.
3088853 yeah, I went and got a commission of her. really love it too.
oh, and you might want to read my response before any more talk of editors.
3091528 Oh well shit, how did I miss this? Well, that's my fault for skimming then -_(\
3094635
'sall right.
3088540 <cracks back> Ummmgh... I hate Saturday so much. How odd of me...
The one where you explain the anti-suity of Midnight's name: Seems legit enough, to be perfectly honest. It's gotta be remember that most of my criticisms are to help avoid pre-conceived notions that come with certain fanfiction elements. Midnight strikes me as a fine character indeed, but misunderstandings about Mary Sue aesthetics can really screw your outer knee if you're not careful enough. But if you wanna be bold, I don't see anything wrong with that. I even kind of like your descriptions for the relevance of her name. Just make sure you can implement it correctly into the context. Unless you already did that (I still haven't gotten around to finishing the last two chapters; I've been in the middle of reading a 500k word story and that's been kicking my ass so bad that I can hardly make time to breath with everything else on my schedule {I promise I'll get around to it, though}).
The one where I'm swiftly reminded how much an ass I am: Upon writing my criticisms, I knew that Midnight wasn't a normal pony, but it was so late in the night that I didn't realize how much that can effect an aesthetic persona. As mentioned, I was mainly pointing these things out because they make for slight taboo, and the hardened big guys of the fandom tend to just sniff them out first and make a run for the door before even judging the content. But Midnight is a dragon-pony, so screw my logic for now. On top of that, now that I can actually get a good visual of her from your commission, the design has further grown on me.
The one about that crazy, pink crack-head: I moreso corrected you on the running thing because I can't actually picture Pinkie in my head running away after something like that. But that's just my dumb head-canon. Either way, I'm surprised that you'd find her hard to characterize. She strikes me as the easiest one out of the mane six.
The thing about that one thing with the questions marks: You're not actually supposed to use either, but I like it better my way. As I said though, just a dumb pet peeve.
About that horrid sentence: <nods head in approval>
About the way folks talk: Well, okay then. Suit yerself, pardner.
The one about Midnight's epic job: Well, you nailed it indeed. Get it? Nailed? Wood? GET IT?!
About your final choice: Yeah, that's, uh... that's what I meant by 'rewrite', bro. I don't recommend changing anything drastically; just make it so that some glaring issues can be better ironed out. But I can always help you with the input as you suggested. I might not get around to reading your next two chapters for a bit, but I'll try my best to get that (and every other mother-chucking thing) done. Noble of you to stick to your principles, though. It's commendable.
3100753
1. 500k!? Jesus H. Christ man!
2. It's the fact that Pinkie can be even more random than even Discord just makes me unsure if I'm writing her right, that's all.
3. The job joke:
4. Sorry, I just get a bit defensive since I've prepped this thing for a year now and what you said seemed a bit... drastic.
Well, I'm about to post my fifth chapter (yeah, now you'll be behind by 3 ), and so far my proof reader has made this her most heavily critiqued chapter yet. After it gets posted though I'm going to start the companion story of the poker nights mentioned.
.
.
.
And you haven't got there yet... shows how much I pay attention to two lines ago that I just wrote .
Anyway, definitely get around to the next two chapters as they explain a lot, as will chapter 5 when it gets posted (seriously man, a 500k story pretty much requires you to take a break).
3101547 Got through a fifth of it in one week. OH!
Also, Poker Night? Are you just trying to get me to read the next chapters by implementing awesome subliminal messaging into your posts?
3102130 may-bay
3103052 my face hurts from grinning at the last part i can see them at the door mouth open jaws meet floor floor meet jaws have a ball play nice
3127744
yeah, I'm not a fan of DT
O snap:P
NOW THAT IS HOW YOU END A CH
I think it is 'she felled earlier' but I am not sure at all.
That 'until' worries me.
Hell yes! Reminds me of the way I dealt with bullies. First is ignoring, then its telling adults (Who never did shit, or only got me in trouble) and then I threaten them with something sharp, or annoy the living crap out of them whenever they bother me. People look down on the last step, and the others thought I was a pussy for the second, but it worked pretty well.
ooooo I'm loving this Midnight.
My reaction to Derpy (bubbles)
I like Midnight's response to Filthy, sweet but sour
OH! filthy rich and diamond tiara got their flanks handed to them!
Midnight sounded a tad bit like Donna Noble at the end there. :3
Luv the ending, I really do like this!
F you Diamond Tirara! Haha!
Sorin: erm
Ok I really liked that outcome, she's had that coming for a looooong time.
4336405 head-cannon voice actor accepted
chapter 4 : i love it lol the den was brilliant
ok midnight is now one of my top 5 favorite OCs
Midnight = my favorite oc now
Ironically, I was watching "Dirty Jobs" when I read this chapter.
4744845 Is that... IT IS!!! AN UNDERSTANDABLE COMMENT FROM YOU!!!
3859570 My reaction to that part was closer to:
"And THAT is how it's done!"
Hmm... It's not great NOW, definitely a good one, but not up there with Cyberfire or anything like that, but I got a feeling this'll get better quickly.
I'm sure one of my OC's would've stuck a flash-bang in her face , but this is pretty sweet too.
Also if you thinks that's nasty, you should see what they do to Blueblood. (Though it's not posted yet. *facepalm* Curse my incessant lazy behind!)
5056734 you're funny, I like you.
You just had to go and make Lyra and Bon-Bon a couple didn't you? *FACEHOOOVES*
And what is with the chapter title?
5807270 what's wrong with using widely used fanon?
5807270 guest what dude. it's canon
Filthy just got served!
Of course she is, she is Derpy after all!
(4 minutes of DOH's)
thank you so much for doing that
She cuts straight to the point. I like that!
Money can't buy respect
7834104
Eenope. Too bad most people don't realize that.
Spoiled Rich is going to complain to the mayor that Midnight is allowed to live in Ponyville and probably would try to get her a restraining order that states she must be further away from Diamond Tiara than the distance between Midnight's hut and the schoolhouse.
Indeed
Funnily enough, I just noticed a typo in the story after re-reading it.
In this case, rap (as in, hitting an object such as a door) should be used instead of wrap (as in, surrounding something with a substance).