Rainbow Dash has issues.

Ten out of ten.

the chump down on part had me cringing here .. sympathy feeling ow ..

Well done, was actually a very nice piece, but its got its fair share of grammatical errors. Link me to a google docs version of it on Skype if you have got one and I'll walk you through its mistakes.

This made me laugh, and the idea of her masturbating as she eats food is damned funny

But you performed my personal cardinal sin of using the word slit. God how I hate that word But that's just me, and is in no way actually something you did wrong, besides the fact that my opinion on everything is the correct one

Anyways I'll be glad to give ya writing advice if you link me to the doc.

God this was so fuckin hot

Wow :\ (sorry on an ipod so no pony faces!)

2623105 no kidding eh lol.

2623180 I cringed myself when I wrote that part but that was kind of the dished effect.

2623439 I had no idea what to use for the word s
It. I didn't want to use it but did anyways for lack of a better word at the time. I'll set up the story in google docs and link it to ya. I would appreciate the help as this is my first fic.

2623496 I aim to please

Was expecting clop; pleasantly disappointed. You had me going right up until the reveal, so nice job! Also, mild boner, so, uh... congrats on that too.

Now for the fixin' time.

She opened the door and walked slowly down the hall, almost robot like with nerves.

Hyphenate your words, meester man. It should be "robot-like". I personally would say "...down the hall, stiff and rigid with nerves." But that's my own opinion entirely.

Her lover was laying on her coffee table completely naked, clearly wanting to waste no time with formalities.

Uh, beg pardon Washunichani, but, uh, ponies don't normally wear clothes. Nothing wrong with the sentence, but I think it does stick out a bit.

"So, are you ready for the one and only Rainbow Dash?" She said in her most seductive voice.

Seeing as how you're continuing your sentence from the dialogue without closing it with a period, you don't need to capitalise the first letter of "She".

She stopped as she reached the edge of the table giving her tail a flick and a half-lidded gaze that would make even the most dysfunctional member stand at attention.

Put a comma between "table" and "giving" just so the sentence doesn't become too clustered.

What if she messed up and he hated her.

Close the sentence with a question mark.

She let out a small gasp as her hoof met with her moist slit.

I agree with 2623439. "Slit" can just be a plain unsexy word, like "cock" or "turgid" or "pussy". It can be even worse when trying to go for romantic, as it can kill the mood somewhat. At least, it does for me and for the people who share my opinion. I'd be careful about the word "moist" as well. Refer to this XKCD article for examples of these "danger words" which can be like nails on a blackboard, or dry felt-tip pens, to some people.

2624238 Thank you for taking the time to help me with my grammar. My goal was to mislead the reader right up until the end. I am glad I was able to accomplish that.

2623519 Hope you enjoyed it. (Also I wrote about 80% of the story on an iPad.)

2624577

T'was my pleasure!

Also, writing the majority of your fics on the Note App of an iOS device? My brother!

2624238

I actually think moist is fine, but the other words you described are certainly unappealing.

It all just comes down to skill and use.

WAT

AAAAAAAAAAH
AAAAAAAAAAH
AAAAAAAAAAH

...*upvotes*

First a kitchen sink, Then a watermelon, followed by a barn door, then a mouse cursor, and now a hotdog. I wounder whats next?

If you enjoyed this then i highly suggest:
1) ...but the kitchen sink.
2) Rainbow Dash seduces a watermelon.
3) Clopping on the door.
4) Rainbow Dash X Mouse Cursor.

at first i was thinking roid rage, thunderlane or somehow, big mac.

then it ended and im sitting here asking myself "what the fuck did i just read?"