Snuff

All Trixie wanted was a friend...

(a short, woeful tale)
(teen for very touchy subject, WARNING: viewer discretion is advised for material within)

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 6 )

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Inferno demon Dash

Inferno demon Dash #1 · May 24th, 2013 · · ·

I LOVE dark stories such as this, yes I know, I'm a monster, sue me. Anyway, this was very, very well written and catches my attention though it does seem a little rushed. At any rate, you done very well and I enjoyed it, hoping to see what else you have story wise, one slight error, it's Elements of Harmony, as it is a title, just a little tip.

Knight of the Raven

Knight of the Raven #2 · May 24th, 2013 · · ·

I felt the system part came a little out of nowhere and didn't fit the circumstances, but this remains a good story. Who knows, it might actually have happened if Trixie didn't show up in season three.

The narration is good and to the point, though there are a few typos and things I feel would flow better if changed;

'she would screw up some how' -> somehow

'not caused she was chased out' -> because

'She would over exaggerate' -> overexaggerate

'an d thought of an optimistic future' -> and

'future...but of course,' where you forgot a space between 'future' and the ellipsis

and

'and she was threw with it now' -> through

I think the line 'not leaving a single one for the poor unicorn' would feel more personal if you changed 'the poor unicorn' to 'her.' I'd also change 'Every town in Equestria didn't seem to like her at all' to 'Every town in Equestria despised her' to make it a little more powerful and correct (at least in Trixie's mind).

I feel 'the unicorn looked straight up into the air into the rain' would flow better with an 'and' between 'into the air' and 'into the rain.'

The quotation marks around 'magic' made me laugh a little. Even Trixie doesn't consider her show real magic. Poor thing.

Good work!

TranscriptBrony

TranscriptBrony #3 · May 24th, 2013 · · ·

Thank you for the comments and suggestions. This was simply a writer's block project and I know it may not be the best of stories, but thank you for the help in your comments and thank you for reading