• Member Since 1st Aug, 2015
  • offline last seen Sep 25th, 2016

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broken, not beaten

T
Source

Somewhere within the vast reaches of the Crystal Mountains, a changeling scout stumbles across a dying mare. Confused, upset, and unsure what else to do, he decides to carry her back to his queen…



Artwork by the Inimitable Plainoasis

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 23 )

this is one of the best storys i have ever read, im crying though its so sad:fluttercry::raritydespair::pinkiesad2::applecry:

It's so...heart-touching. I feel...sympathy. Dang it, you broke me!

Aww, poor Trixie too. She has to know he's not going to be long for this world either.

The Quiet and Friendly Changeling must be RESCUED by the Great and Powerful Trixie!

This was so sad, yet so sweet and well written! Five Fluttercrys out of five. :fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry:

6901755 Agreed!

Wonderful story, here. All the right notes.

This is beautifully written.

i like it do not get me wrog jest the changling did a stuped thing a right thing but stuped i lwill give it a thums up

Every time I see another clopfic get into the featured box, it makes me want to murder one of the admins of this site I N C O L D B L O O D for not putting amazingly written stories like this one up in the featured box instead.

Thumbs up. Liked and loved.

Congratulations.

Now excuse me.

T H E R E S G O N N A B E O N E L E S S A D M I N A F T E R T O N I G H T

So, if he knew he was going to be killed anyway for letting Trixie go, why not go with her? Where there is life there is hope. I thought he knew that lesson.

6905831 All the he knows of the ponies is war. Though it’s not true, he thinks that he (and by extension Trixie) would be imprisoned or even killed. He couldn’t survive in the wild on his own either, because there’d be no love to consume and he would die a slow, painful death. To him, a swift death at the hands (hooves?) of Chrysalis is the only option. It’s absolutely not, but in the moment it’s all he sees.

Thanks for reading!

Ooh, this was good. I loved the idea behind this story, and the small glimpses we saw of the changelings were nice. Mute characters always promise to be interesting, and this one certainly delivered.

I did see some room for improvement, if you're interested. First of all, Trixie... didn't seem like Trixie. I get that she feels bad about her past, but take out the specific mention of Ponyville and the presence of her hat and cape, and you could be left with almost anypony. She could have been a thief chased out of town, or any kind of undesirable.

I think this story would be the kind of thing Trixie would thrive on, being the only speaking character with a mute friend. But you don't even use her name, in spite of using her character tag. This was a good opportunity to showcase and explore Trixie's mannerisms, or even to develop another original character alongside the changeling scout, but the result feels a little generic. The ending even mentions how special the mare is, but I don't really see it. The mare he rescued could have been anyone with very little change made to the text.

The description of the stars at the end also felt a little lacking. The stars were in the title of the story and were referenced at the beginning, and simply telling us the stars seemed happier at the end is underwhelming when I think of the time and effort the changeling put into that moment. Describe how beautiful the scene is to him--the mare under the stars, or the stars shining down on the color of her coat he liked so much, or let him reflect on how right his decision was during the moment instead of after the mare left the story.

You have a lot of potential. Don't be afraid to spread your wings a little more. :twilightsmile:

6907130 Thanks for the thorough feedback! Characterization especially is something I struggle with—doubly so when I need to get inside the head of a character very different from myself. I’m not sure if I’ll revisit this fic quite yet, but I’ll definitely keep your advice in mind when I get to writing my next story.

6905650 Settle down, friend.

6908139 I like how my extreme praise of this story gets downvoted. It's quite funny actually.

And while I respect you as a person, good sir or madam, I'm afraid I cannot calm down.

There's too much going on for me to calm down.

That was beautiful... not sure if the title entirely fit, but I liked it anyway. I did spot one error, however.

He’d seen his brothers and sisters rended in two,

I believe the word you want is "rent".

You need/ deserve more likes.

This.. is so beautiful and sooo sad,damnit!
it is very well written and original and YOU BROKE MY HEART
:fluttercry:

That ending...

I hate you so much. I upvote this so hard.

It's kinda like "Ex Machina", innit?

6955690 I can't say I've ever experienced Ex Machina. Similar in what way?

6956216 Ehh...I don't want to spoil it, so I'll put it in spoiler blots.

This story is similar to the ending. A guy is stranded, and another character runs away.

But be warned, the ending will piss you off from the real movie.

DF

A lovely one-shot.

I wish he had left with her. But I suppose he resigned himself to his fate.
A well written sad story. :fluttershysad:

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