(1) Never Trust a Man in a Matching Tracksuit
CHAPTER THE FIRST
NEVER TRUST A MAN IN A MATCHING TRACKSUIT
"I don't believe you."
The old man sitting across the table from me leaned back in his armchair and gave me a toothy grin, which quite frankly looked absolutely demented, as one of his canines was much larger than the other. He was wearing a tannish-grey tracksuit, with golden stripes running up the sides. His eyes seemed to be mismatched, as if they were different sizes. To complete his ridiculous appearance, he had a scraggly white fu-manchu going on that makes my pubic hair look like silk.
"What's not to believe?" he purred, in a velvety voice that somehow reminded me of Q, from Star Trek. "I'm offering you the chance to live out your dream. Haven't you always wanted to leave behind this frothing ball of filth for greener pastures? Have we not been discussing this for the past hour, or did I leave a beehive in my ear again... It's so hard to keep track of those things, you know. One would think the constant buzzing would give it away."
His demeanor was relaxed, yet strangley giddy, like a kid who goes into a toy store with his mom and thinks, "Okay, just play it cool." He was probably insane. I should have known better than to take him up on his offer for a cup of coffee to discuss My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. He'd seen me watching the newest episode on my laptop while I was riding home on the bus. Stupid public transportation. Why couldn't you have just thrown me a rapist or something? You know what those guys are about. Him? No freaking way.
Admittedly, the man knew his ponies pretty well. He seemed particularly learned in all the hypothetical stuff, like the founding of Equestria, the origins of the Princesses, and even some of the theories behind the Elements of Harmony. We spent the better part of twenty minutes just debating the concept of magic. To be honest, I'd never thought that a somewhat intellectual man like myself would ever end up in a run down coffee shop, discussing the theoretical physics of an imaginary land of adorable ponies. And then, simply out of the blue, he'd asked me if I wanted to go to Equestria.
Of course, my response was something along the lines of "Aw hell yeah!" Of course I wanted to go there. What kind of question is that? Any brony worth his salt would love to go there. And I am a very, very salty brony.
He said that he could send me there, and he was deadly serious. And now, here we are.
"Well, for one, Equestria isn't real, man. It's just a cartoon. That should have tipped you off from the start." There I go again, using my logical logic logically.
He laughed at this, and for some reason it echoed mysteriously around the coffee shop we were sitting in. "Ah, but who are you to decide what is real? Perhaps none of this is real, maybe it never existed! Maybe Equestria is the reality, and we're nothing but the cartoon?"
"Who are you to decide that it isn't real?" I shot back.
He only seemed to get smug at this. "Who aren't I to decide? Who am I? Who are you? Life's great mystery, I suppose. And yet, a rolling stone gathers no moss, but instead runs over the helpless woodland creatures in its path."
Whatever the hell this guy is on right now, I want some.
He continued, "But no rolling stone is created rolling. No, they all need just one little kick to send them on their merry way. That's what I'm offering you here."
"So, what, you want to kick me?" I deadpanned.
"More precisely, I want to punt you straight out of the universe!" He cackled then, and it reminded me of when my grandma used to make the dreaded "Mystery Meat" soup; she'd laugh like a witch boiling a foul brew. Which was kind of what she acted like, bless her dead heart.
I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. Maybe I should just humor this guy. It's not like I've got anything else to do today; I finished all my classes at the university, and all I have to look forward to now is enjoying some microwaved ramen noodles in my shabby little apartment in the Chinese district. I took a glance outside, and sure enough, it was raining again. It's always raining here. Unwilling to soak myself to the bone, I decided to play along.
"All right, let's say you could do this. Let's say, hypothetically, that you can actually boot me straight to Equestria. Why? Why would you do this?"
He scratched his beard, stroking it like it was a prize pumpkin at the county fair. "Why not?"
I was puzzled by this. "What do you mean, 'why not'?"
"Think of one good reason why I shouldn't. After all, based on what you've told me about yourself, it's not like you have much going for you here. Mix things up a little, my friend! Why not be an adorable animated equine for a while! Throw a little..." he waved his hand around as he searched for a word. "Throw a little chaos into the mix."
"You know what? Fine. Have your fun. Send me to Equestria. I don't care how you do it, or what I am when I get there. Surprise me. I don't know what you get out of this, and frankly, I'm not sure I want to. Deal?" I raised my hand for him across the table.
I would later regret ever saying those words.
"Deal," he smirked. His wizened old hand snaked out and shook mine firmly. There was a strange source of heat that rose from in-between our palms, but before I could react to it, the old coot let go and jumped up onto the table, surprisingly spry for someone who looked so old.
"Sayonara!" he cried, and wound his left foot back as if preparing for a penalty kick.
I tired to get up then. "Whoa, man, easy there-"
But I didn't have time to finish. His foot lit up with this weird light, and he whipped it toward me with unnatural speed. I barely had time to process the motion before his running sneaker collided with my face.
I felt the strangest sensation of falling, but not in any particular direction, as the world suddenly went dark.
My thoughts slowly spiraled down to blankness. Did I just get kicked in the face by an old man? Why was his foot glowing like that?
More importantly... I hope he hasn't stepped in any dog shit recently.
And then...
...nothing.
Stats
Page generated in 0.042 seconds
Total duration
949 users online
340,582 hits today, 2,529,000 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2023
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2023 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
'Why couldn't you have just thrown me a rapist or something?' Is it bad if this part made me chuckle? I also lol'd at the being literally booted out of the universe thing...
let me guess the old guy is discord right
D'arvit discord why u keep doing that?
google.com/imgres?um=1&hl=en&sa=N&rls=com.microsoft:en-us:IE-Address&rlz=1I7TSNJ_en&biw=1024&bih=731&tbm=isch&tbnid=SLjftAgPAYifiM:&imgrefurl=http://artemisfowl.wikia.com/wiki/Julius_Root&docid=gwB6_67iqG3-cM&imgurl=http://images.wikia.com/artemisfowl/images/c/c4/Root.JPG&w=382&h=583&ei=NJo6T_GQKsvmggeZ4pGZCw&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=2&sig=111170985924045189539&page=1&tbnh=168&tbnw=110&start=0&ndsp=17&ved=1t:429,r:15,s:0&tx=29&ty=54
Beetroot is best fairy.
that guy, i would hang out with him, every day would be a mystery as to what the f hes gona do
*sigh* ...Discord...
220165 "Artemis Fowl" right?
Also, I'm going to also guess that that strange old man is Discord.
Discord up to his old tricks again
Moar...
"Whatever the hell this guy is on right now, I want some."
so do we all... so do we all
Lawyer: "...and finally the last item on Mr Moldune's will and testament is a 10 acre plot of land in Equestria for Echo."
Echo: "Equestria? Well how the hell do i get there?"
Lawyer: "Simple. A boot to the head."
218318 nice observation you have there i made the same
Ahhhhhh, DISCORD. Thats why you're awesome.
218318 discord was voiced by Q, so yes.
DISCO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-ORD!!!!!!
The MOMENT you began describing him, this flew into my brain....
226743
That's perfect.
A "very, very salty brony" should have suspected discord when he was reminded of Q, and known it was him when he said that chaos line.
But a bit too late for such complaints. On with the story!
"which quite frankly looked absolutely demented, as one of his canines was much larger than the other." I think I already figured out who he was there, partly because of the pilot, but still great work as I think you captured him very well
Ah, nothing like a good old creepy dude in a tracksuit kicking you in the face and sending you into another world.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahaa! Oh my YES this is brilliant, right from the get-go!
Tsk tsk, the silly boy should have known you never agree to something a mysterious old man tells you when you're starring in a fanfic!
No no no, you stab him in the face and steal his wallet!
No wait... that's what you do in real life... fiction... fiction... fiction... oh right! You powergame the SHIT out of everypony and rule the multiverse!
I wonder if it hurt when he got kicked in the face
. I sure as hell woul've kept a grudge if it hurt a lot
.
Oh..he did actually kick him.
GENIUS. And clearly, its discord. but still.
217320 FALCON KICK!
Arivaderci to you too, mr Discord. =3
Very interesting. I love how discord was a human in disguise. The way you wrote him speaking was beyond perfect. Onto the next chapter
media.photobucket.com/image/dinkleberg%20discord/ZZhobbit/Forum%20stuffz/discord.jpg
Calls himself a brony worth his salt, doesn't recognize Discord when the guy is staring him in the face.
Seems legit.
you realy dont know what you wand huh??? first you go like ''dude gime some of what you got'' you get the ''kick'' and aint like it i mean... beggers cant be picky now can we Rust ???
As soon as you mentioned Q I connected all the dots and was like
"HE'S TALKING TO DISCORD!!!!!!!!" Cool story bro.
I just love how everybrony is assuming the old guy is the chaotic Overlord Discord.
Including me.
OKAY! I got to the chaos line. (you know the one with the old guy that is in no way connected to Discord right? Right?) And i face palmed so hard I gave my self a nose bleed. No joke. Sorry now back to the story.
It is funny that I started reading this only now... But seriously, how can you stare Discord in face, when he barely trying to hide his nature, and don't recognize him?! Hmm... Maybe, HE has something to do with it? Like, perception filter, or something...
>>loststone what do you think
you deserve these derps
This story just proves how bad I am at recognising things.
I only got the old crazy guy=Discord in disguise thing after reading the comments.
Anyway, if you'll excuse me I have to laugh 'til I can't breath.
This is good no joke the originality of Equestria being a shithole should I critique this hmmmm
So, was the 'salty brony' a pun on 'Salty Dog'?
and through the first time I read this that was all I needed to know it was Discord and
after this chapter you mention several times that you liked rain but I guess you just didn't want to annoy your cat cdn.ebaumsworld.com/picture/SpazzyMcGee/Lolz.png rating for this chapter is an static4.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/was+Okay.+aww+yeah+ponies+_f8865d41a16d559efb1f33e631795832.gif or in my rating terms this chapter will get an
rainbowdetermined2:: which is a fine rating ( trollestia from a brony failing to recognize a non-hidden Discord I mean seriously no hiding his personality at all ajsmug for the thought of not thinking through the possibility if you had warped yay for an epic start of a story and pinkiehappy for obvious reasons) it is probably my it is a higher rating for starts there are key items I look for and yours easily passed the test I am eager to continue so I shall finish this quickly so just so you know I do not downgrade on typos I just show them to you and will perhaps bluntly tell you to correct them and for letting me critique this you get a denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw4715-tumblr_lnk3z0SGLR1qafrh6.png from Derpy Hooves herself
218318 No, he just got kicked in the face by John De Lancie.
"More precisely, I want to punt you straight out of the universe!"
One word.
PUUUUUUNT!
So, the very very salty brony doesn't recognise the old guy for what he is, even when he's all but admitted to being the lord of chaos himself...?
Why do I suspect I've been thrown for a loop somewhere here...?! This story has me hooked already!!
The KEY words "Dog shit" and "Recently" I could not stop laughing.
DISCORD CAN BREAK THE FOURTH WALL. were all FUBAR now.
Well, sheesh, would you expect someone that you thought was pure fiction to show up in the real world? I mean, sure, we know it's Discord in disguise, but Guy-Who-Becomes-Echo had no reason to suspect that the weird old guy wasn't human.
Tried = tired
Eeyup.
Well now I know not to do that. He basically told discord to fuck his shit up lol.
Ah yes, crazy people are dangerous.
Then there came a sound. Distant first, it grew into a castrophany so immense it could be heard far away in space.
There were no screams. There was no time. The mountain called Monkey had spoken.
There was only fire.
*Gag*
*SUPER GAG!*
mgbookreviews.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/poundcake-disgusted.gif
Sir, my gutter is full. Can I use yours if your not?
Aaaand I lost my shit right about here.
Kinda redundent to comment but...
I think Discord was channeling Chuck Norris with that kick!
Worries about dog shit, gets turned into a dog. I love irony