When a dark affliction cuts the princesses tie to magic, the burden of the cosmos rests in Twilights hooves. Will she be to move the stars and restore balance between Sun and Moon? And will the other Elements of Harmony find a cure to such dark magic? Or will disorder and chaos rule over Equestria once more?
Note: This takes place between seasons 1 and 2
This is my first fic, so all comments will be greatly appreciated, questions promptly answered, and edits thoroughly made. I also don’t have any artwork to use, and am a horrible artist, so if anybody wants to draw something I would be more than happy to use it
Chapters (9)
Poor Luna will be blamed by much of ponykind for this. Sorry if this comes through twice.
A new chapter with no small amount of work. Enjoy (comments would be greatly appreciated)
While editing I noticed a difference in quality of righting, even from the beginning of the chapter to the end. so even though no-ones commenting or seems to care about this story I'm going to finish it. Because this story deserves to be finished. Every story deserves to be finished. And I'm growing so much as a writer just by writing it.
I feel for you too...
Interesting work. Very good quality for a first fic. Nit-picking the antagonist creature/shade/whatever seems mildly overpowered in the context of the abilities you have thus far provided to the protagonists. I'd also say that it obviously has a great deal of hubris in it's abilities if it thinks that waiting to jailbreak Discord is in any sense a good move. Look forward to seeing more and I wouldn't worry about a lack of comments, this story is vastly better than some fics that have much higher comment counts, quality wins over quantity any day no matter how much it may sting there is always stupidly popular rubbish *cough*Twilight*cough* (the Stephenie Meyer books not our awdorkable
).
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Thanks for the comment. I know I shouldn't worry about low comment count, but until now I had no idea if I was even any good at writing!
And I know It seems mildly overpowered at the moment, but trust me when I say there's a reason this magic was never used before. Consequences of such power are coming.
I can't help but feel strongly that this prologue is not only completely pointless, but in being pointless will put people off of reading past it. I'm going to assume that it's here to "set the mood" as it were, but out-of-context scenes following characters the reader has no attachment to will not invoke any emotion in the reader, even if they involve established characters. If I just say "my OC killed pinkie pie" here and now, it doesn't have any emotional weight because anyone reading that one line has not 'bought into' the narrative in which I just killed off pinkie pie.
Even ignoring the emotive side of the scene and any value as foreshadowing, no unique information has been conveyed to the reader that will not be covered when the protagonists learn of the events—which is how it should be, but the fact just underscores the prologue's lack of point. All specific information is hidden behind oblique references, and details the details regarding the infiltration of the palace are irrelevant.
The fact that it's at the beginning makes it even worse, because screentime is very important in establishing what a piece of writing 'is' and 'is about' and at this point, 100% of the screentime has been devoted to scenes which the reader doesn't care about and in which nothing definite actually happens. This is why first impressions are so important, and the first impression I get from this is that you're wasting the reader's time.
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I see what you mean by that. It was the first chapters I wrote, and honestly had little idea about what I was doing then. I agree completely that the prologue needs to be edited, to be more of a "literary crescendo" that leads into the story.
However I greatly dislike stories that are completely linear, where every single detail, even down to the clothes the characters are wearing, is related to furthering the main plot. And so I cannot, and shall not, write like that. The beginning isn't there to 'waste the readers time', and even though it is setting the scene through actions that aren't there to further the main plot, the actions have importance. You are right, having that at the beginning was definitely a mistake before the reader has bought into it, especially since it has no immediate importance, but more long term where a single action like that isn't going to change it too much. I will go back and edit it, but not remove it. The protagonists may learn some of the events, but they still have a very skewed, incorrect version of it while the reader is the only one to know the whole truth of what's happening. Something I must go back and clarify as well in an edit.
Thank you for your comment, it will definitely help me to improve not only this story, but my writing in general
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Actually, your comment has inspired me to a great idea. Adding an event to the prologue and first chapter that will, with the edits, unify them to the main plot. Expect the updates by tomorrow. I hope that this alleviates the concerns that you had about those chapters.
EDIT: The Winter Moon Celebration has been added. Not too major of an edit (and more is to be done to better incorporate it), accompanied by more minor edits, it unifies the starting chapters with the plot, adds symbolism, and will hold importance in the future as well.
Phew. Another critical chapter done. It feels like it's all coming to a head. But there's much more to come.
I'm nervous because I took a great risk in this chapter. Well, 2 of them.
But I hope you enjoy!
Look! Finally! Another update
After returning from my Hiatus, I plan on updating weekly.
And perhaps with not-as-long chapters, but no promises.
I am extatic with how this chapter turned out. The most pleased I have ever been about a chapter update
Probably because I've been leading up to these events for a while, but still.
Big confrontation in the next chapter, and then it all winds down.
Thanks for staying with me this far, only a few more chapters to go
Sometimes I feel like I'm writing to myself... Good thing I enjoy writing.
The end is near, just a simple wrap-up with an all important OC changing moment, and the tie-in to the series that I've been working towards for a while.
Have to criticise the logic of having Rarity stay with Twilight. Okay, yes this will be very challenging for Twilight but by taking Rarity away from the other 4 you deprive them from any unicorn magic altogether.
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Rarity staying was not only for Twilight (though that is a main part of it)
Just think - you have a princess that cannot use magic anymore, another that has a limited amount forcing her to use it sparingly, and a unicorn with the greatest magical burden imaginable placed upon her shoulders. She'll need a friend she can rely on, and they'll need some sort of magic to keep everything together and life flowing smoothly. Rarity is the best solution to both requirements.
And the deprival of unicorn magic was planned, there are multiple times the other four wish they had access someone with magic.
EDIT: I will be doing a re-write, especially of the first few chapters, so I'll keep your thoughts in mind. Perhaps add more conflict of "but we'll need your magic" instead of passive agreement. Thanks for helping me to see where my ideas need work/development!