4257118
I'll check it out and tell you in a PM.

Reviewing: Arachnophobia

Read: All

Status: Rejected

I want to make it clear I didn't reject this story because of the HUGE, hairy tarantulas in it, that made my skin crawl. That I could deal with.

No, what killed it for me is the portrayal of Celestia. She is so out of character she may as well be a Loony Tune depiction. While I can understand her being afraid of Luna's pet, her reactions are just too over the top, just for the sake of comedy. Which brings me to the last point: it wasn't funny, just silly, and not in a good way.

I would suggest having somepony like Pinkie be the one for the over-the-top antics, as they suit her much better. Maybe change the whole thing to Twilight or Fluttershy having the pet, and have Pinkie try to adjust to it. I think that would work much better for this concept.

All my appointments are done for the day, now it's time to review some stories!

Reading: Petriculture

Reviewing: Petriculture

Read: All

Status: Approved ( just barely )

This one. This one was just...weird.

Spoilers ahead.

It started out well enough. Twilight is being her most adorkable in planning a party for her parents, who are on their way to visit her in Ponyville. Because she is so stressed out about her preparations, she decides to do some research in subjects she's been putting off. The subject she decides to pursue is the whole concept of "rock farming", which of course leads her to ask Pinkie. What eventually follows is something I never expected, and leads me to request that the author add the 'Alternate Universe' tag to his work, 'cause it really, REALLY needs one.

Because the tale is written so very well, I concluded it needs to be added to the Bin, but the whole concept of the reveal is something that, IMO, simply doesn't work without the AU tag. I notice that these are part of a series, and that there's at least two other ones awaiting approval. I think I'm going to hold off reading them until I get the author's input. I would also ask that some other story approvers peruse this one, and maybe come up with a consensus. In fact, I think I'll hold off moving it to the appropriate folders until that happens.

[ Edit ] I did ask the author my request, and this was his reply:

The reason Petriculture doesn't have an AU tag is because at the time it was written, it was fully compliant with canon, if you assumed that Pinkie Pie was an unreliable narrator when she told the CMC her cutie mark story. Inscape lacks an AU tag for the same reason. Later stories in the series do have AU tags, because by the point, canon had diverged from what I'd initially presented, and there was no longer any way to handwave the Pie family's existence away.

I've been asked about this before, and I've always decided to stick with the current tags, mostly because I was really proud that I'd been able to make the notion of Pinkie as Twilight's imaginary friend sound genuinely plausible for the actual show.

That clears it up for me from the author's standpoint, but I'll still wait until I hear from MotM.

[Edit] Here's what MotM said:

I did look over it and I would accept it. I never thought of Pinkie Pie as a manifestation of Twilight's imagination. Friendship is magic, eh? Very well written, characters are spot on, and there was never a dull moment.

Approved!

While I'm waiting, I'll tackle one of the long-runners from one of my favorite authorettes ( is that a word? ), Bad_Seed_72.

Reading: Tangled Roots

Reviewing: Tangled Roots

Read: Seven chapters

Status: Approved

This a tale that lives up to its Sad and Dark tags. Though I was amused by Babs Seed's Manehatten accent ( which the author pulls off very well ), I was and am moved by her plight. At its heart so far, this is a story of bullying and abandonment. The story goes into intimate details about Babs Seed's life and the trials she faces. As she's portrayed here she's only twelve, and it's sobering to think that the events that occur to her are what a lot of children face today. This is where art meets life.

As a father my heart goes out to this little girl, and this tale draws one in to her plight. One truly cares about the characters, for they all are well-rounded in this story, and there are none ( as yet ) for whom my feelings are ambivalent. I was a bit concerned that the violence would be overdone, but so far those fears are not justified.

In the interests of time I stopped reading before Babs got to Ponyville, but I definitely plan on finishing this one.

Reviewing: Fall of the Butterflies

Read: Three chapters

Status: Rejected

This story starts out with clunky phrasing and just goes downhill from there.

She only came back when she felt like it, in dreams and lies and broken-down déjà vu, only to remind her once again that she was gone. Gone forever.

Without the use of pronouns it's difficult to understand that there are two characters being described here.

Then there are run-on sentences with sentence fragments:

Ponies around the region were enjoying the calmness and relaxation of the season, the young ones playing in the leaves while the adults shooed them away playfully, smiles on all of their faces, an unique feeling that only autumn could bring.

It was a school holiday and the cutie mark crusaders were once again exploring and searching for their hidden talents while the townspeople watched closely, fearing slightly of a tiny chance of chaos or another ear shattering performance, though it happened rarely now.

Improper dialogue punctuation:

“I’m…I’m fine, Twilight.” She managed to stutter.

“It’s all my fault, It’s all my fault…” They could hear her mutter.

...and I don't know what this sentence is doing, but the author uses this a few times with Applejack's dialogue:

“"I" with Rarity. Now let’s go visit her! I made some cider at home that You” all going to enjoy. Now come-on everypony!” Applejack exclaimed, looking at Rainbow for a response. Sure enough, a smile started to form in her mouth.

Besides all the mechanical problems I thought the players were all out of character, especially Spike.

This is an interesting concept, if it's not overdone. Find a good editor and proofreader, besides using Ezn's Writing Guide. Good luck.

Been reading: A Taste of the Good Life

It looks promising so far.

Reviewing: A Taste of the Good Life

Read: Seven chapters

Status: Approved

When I first applied for a Contributor position in Twilight's Library, one of the reasons I gave was to "look for the gems among the sand." This tale is one of those gems.

Here we meet an Earth pony named Main Course, who has just lost his restaurant in a fire. His insurance claim will take a few months, so until then he decides to visit his sister in Ponyville. There, he gets the idea to open a temporary restaurant in a previously abandoned building. But he gets a little more than he expected in the form of a little orphan foal. What follows made me gasp, smile, laugh out loud, and boil with rage.

The author does a superb job of fleshing out his characters, especially his OCs. It is always a good sign when one gets immersed in pony words without having to lean too heavily on the main cast, if they are not the intended focus. Indeed, in this story the addition of the mains only add to an already engaging story. Though this tale lacks the Comedy tag, there are many lol moments. For example, when Main Course decides to hire ponies for his new establishment, this is the resumè he received from Pinkie:

Pinkamena Diane ‘Pinkie’ Pie
Upstairs, Sugarcube Corner
Ponyville, Equestria

Multi-talented mare seeking employment (PT/FT) at your local eating establishment
Previous Employment:
-Rock Farmer
-Apprentice Baker
-Investigative Detective (Solve rate: 1/1)
-Party Planner
-Party Executor
-Secret Agent (Don’t tell anypony, though)
-Professional Skeptic (Oatmeal only)
-Demolition Expert, specializing in fourth walls
-Aeronautical Engineer
-Element of Harmony, Laughter

Notable Accomplishments:

-Laid siege to the sheep kingdom capital of Baa Ram Ewe for six hundred days
-Battled the forces of the criminal underworld under the super-secret alias of (the last word was scribbled away beyond recognition)
-Has memorized names, ages, addresses, social security numbers, and known weaknesses of every pony in Ponyville. Including yours.
-Can lick her own elbow
-Can lick other ponies’ elbows (Easier, unless they run)
-Thanks to foresight, precognition, and advance preparation, has never been caught off guard by sock emergencies
-Capable of withstanding temperatures up to 1500 degrees Marenheit
-Saved Equestria, like, a lot

So yeah, you should totally hire me.

Not only do I approve this one for the Bin, it's going in my Favorites list.

Reviewing: Pony May Cry: Brotherhood is Magic

Read: Two chapters, skimmed the third

Status: Rejected

There's always the danger of losing one's audience with a crossover, and this story is no exception. The first chapter is a mish-mash of unorganized action, with a vast infodump. I didn't count them, but there had to be at least ten characters mentioned in the first few paragraphs, complete with visual descriptions. It was too much to keep track of, besides the fact there was no emotional build up, so I couldn't find myself caring about any of them.

This tale assumes the reader is familiar with the "Marvel and Capcom universes." I am, but there were still characters I didn't recognize, and they're presented shotgun style, one after the other in the first battle scene. One of the protagonists ( Dante ) doesn't encounter Equestria until the very end of the first chapter, which I give credit to the author as being one of the better examples of writing.

I found a few mechanical errors in the form of improper dialogue punctuation:

“However, it seems that we must part ways here.” He said while pulling out his book to ready an activation spell for the portal. “Now, Vergil, if you’d so kindly assist me in the preparations for this gate.” He suggested as he pointed Vergil over to a metal arch, stationed at the far end of the lair.

...and they happen quite often.

As I stated in the beginning, crossovers are tricky and easy to lose one's audience. This tale would probably be better suited for those that know the source material, but it's not suited for the Bin at this time.

Reviewed: The Revenge of the Foal Sat

Rejecting

Ok, I’ve been feeling really sick for the past week (still am, btw), so let’s just make this quick: The reason I’m rejecting this is because it’s plagiarism, plain and simple. This story is a pony version of the Calvin and Hobbes ‘Revenge of the Baby Sat’ story arc, in which the main character Calvin threatens to flush his babysitter’s school notes down the toilet. All this story does is replace Calvin and Hobbes characters with MLP characters, even though the characters that the author chooses to use as replacement aren’t compatible with their C&H counterparts (example: Cadence and Twilight being so antagonistic with one another. Yeah, that mixes about as well as oil and water.) The author doesn’t add enough to it to make it their own product, and the bits that he/she does add often contradict the characters personalities (Such as Calvin’s troublemaking and Twilight’s insane enjoyment of studying. Those two things do not mix, making the character feel remarkably inconsistent as she switches between the two, oftentimes at the drop of a hat) Sure, it was funny, but that was mainly because every joke in this was ripped straight out of the comic strip, making the plagiarism even more blatant.

Could this idea work? Heck yes. The idea of Twilight and Smarty Pants having a similar dynamic to Calvin and Hobbes is an interesting idea, and has been done well (I’ve seen a couple online comics do it fantastically.) However, the reason those online comics worked better was because 1: they use their own jokes, and 2: they kept the characters in character while still giving a similar atmosphere that Calvin and Hobbes gave off. This story, on the other hand, copies the jokes while contradicting the characters, which does not Goodfic Bin material make. While I did personally enjoy the story (it’s still Calvin and Hobbes, after all, which is still one of the best comic strips of all time), I also cannot accept a story that copies someone else’s work nearly word for word, makes a couple marginal changes, and claims it to be their own.

4271163 A plus, I agree with your point, but don't let Haphazard see this until after he lets my story in.

4271175 How should I prevent him from seeing this?

4271176 Um.... booze and whiteout? A 2×4 to the back of the head? Possibly porn depending on his sexual orientation?

Anyway! Good review. Now I need to find my copy of the complete Calvin and Hobbs. Hopefully you will feel better soon.

4271183 Thanks. Hopefully I will. Cheers

4271176 First off, too late.
4271183 Second off, all of the above.

You have got to be kidding me!

Poor Fluttershy has an unwanted red-and-black admirer.

Well, this... is apparently a thing someone submitted. Great. Wonderful.
Reviewing: How Not to Woo a Fluttershy

4271188 *takes notes for future reference*

4271191 Ouch. I thought you wanted to feel better, not worse.

Reading: Reconstruction

I know this isn't standard, but I'd like to put in a recommendation for the story Tearek, which I recently added to the submissions folder. It had me screaming with laughter for the majority of it's length, and is an extremely well done oneshot. Please give this one a look when you get the chance.
4272503
4271191

Reviewed: Reconstructed

By: Revenant Wings

Length: 6k+

Verdict: Accepting

Here we have a story depicting the events after the season five opener “Cutie Markless” whereas the village (if anyone has the name I would love to hear it) is currently reformatting itself. Oh, and Party Favor and Sugar Belle are getting married. Not my favorite ship, given that it's less than a month old, but I can get behind it, plus it was a nice touch.

We follow Double Diamond who still has nightmares about Starlight Glimmer's oppressive philosophy and now he feels as if he can't help out the village because his special talent is skiing, so when they call on him to lead the village he is less than enthusiastic to take the role, but after some encouraging words from Party Favor, and Night Glider he steps up and assumes his role.

Not much of anything wrong grammatically, well actually I couldn't point out anything obvious except for the occasional “choppy” sentence (any sentence that feels forced or awkward). Also I did find some missing words that can be cleared up with a simple read-over.

One of the main reasons why I accepted this in is how we see DD (that's mine from now on) is struggling with a voice in his head trying to reconstitute equality.

In sameness, there is peace. Exceptionalism is a lie.

These appear often kinda like they are reminding all of us that Starlight Glimmer's influence will be felt for years to come. I can see why the author threw these in between certain paragraphs to truly emphasize it's point.

The Characters were spot on except for Party Favor. I only watched the episodes once, but I know how certain characters act and react, Party Favor's dialogue made me feel like I was being introduced to a forced Pinkie Pie who opens every sentence with “man”.

So to finish, great story, great idea, and little to no errors. It was a very enjoyable read that ie do recommend to all, especially those who are foreign to season five. My tip: try to make your sentences flow better (hell I need to work on that myself)

Thank you for your time...

~Motm

4272992 Good stuff man!

4273182 Thank you. I'm going to try to do a review a day from now on.

4272810

I know this isn't standard

No it isn't. Be patient; someone will look at that story eventually.

4273353 I just wanted to do something special for this one. All the other stuff I've submitted hasn't been worthy of the treatment.

4273298 Don't hurt yourself man! But great to hear you've got good intentions!

Ooh, the normal submissions thread. Shiny.

Reviewed Just Listen

Accepting

Not much to say about this one. It's written well, barely any grammar errors to speak of that I could readily find. It's a fine Octascratch that knows what it wants to do, and shows no quarter in doing it.

There's not much that happens in this story, and frankly if this was a different story, I may well have rejected it, but it packed a surprising amount in one thousand words, and showed more character than most stories (including mine) can in three thousand. It shows a very nice, very healthy relationship between two characters, and it wasn't just very heartwarming to read, it was also very human. It does nothing wrong, and doesn't overstay it's welcome.

4274432 Yay! I edited this story and straight away knew it was a good candidate for this group.

4274452 Awesomesauce. I haven't read Octascratch in ages. The shipper in me is getting feeble.

Reviewed Don't Cross the Streams

Accepting

This is dumb. It's a story about Flash Sentry and Shining Armour being incompetent together. As with the last one, there's not much to say about it, as it doesn't go into much more depth than that. However, as a comedic bit, it does it's job as well as the last story I looked at did it's job as a heartwarming piece.

It does all the things I'd expect from decent comedy: it blows everything out of proportion, it presents these serious characters doing incredibly childish things, and it works well. You won't get anything out of this story other than laughs, but it has the potential to make people laugh due to a lot more than it's dumb, dumb premise. Stuff like the punchline at the end, which had an entire story to build up. The capitalizations (something I typically disapprove of) were used so sparingly it made their one appearance quite stunning. Shining's treatment of Flash... it's comedy done right, and though it's not winning any points for intellect, it just may make some people laugh, and that's all I'm really asking for.

4181832
4181495
O_O

Thank you so much! I really need to check these threads more. I'm missing out on these reviews! >_<

I'm glad you both enjoyed it. Going to be updating it here by the end of the month (after finals probably) and then... the skies are the limit.

Let's just hope they aren't paved with blood. Creativity is so much better!

4274457 I might have another Octascratch to submit soon, if submissions are open again by then.

4274940 Normally I just do self-submissions, but if I'm still battling on in this thread by then I'd be glad to give it a look.

4274942 Oh, it will be a self-submission.

Reviewed Celestia's Selfish Desire

Rejecting

This is a story about Celestia being conflicted about making Twilight an alicorn. Whilst a decent piece of character study, I don't feel it's really interesting enough to overlook it's relative absence of story (she just reminisces a bit and then decides it's okay anyway) or it's flaws in writing. It feels like it's trying really, really hard to be a powerful and moving story, and to an extent it is (I did appreciate the bits where Celestia remembered Starswirl) but overall it felt a bit like Celestia was just moping. It's not bad, but I don't think it was handled in a way that made the story very strong or impactful.

Not to mention, there's some pretty awkward phrasing in there too, which didn't help one bit.

Soon the railing would face the wrath of her uncertainty as she slammed two hooves upon it

This bit isn't awkward. Actually I love it to pieces, and have claimed it as my own.

It was her, my faithful student, with every success, every moment she went above and beyond what I believed to be possible.

Starswirl was given the opportunity, but he never wanted it he cherished his mortality saying it gave him drive and passion

My heart is torn however, she doesn't know the costs, and I do not know if I can tell them to her.

she had a grace of it that Celestia lacked when she was forced to do so herself all those many years.

It's not a bad story, but seeing Celly be resentful for her immortality is pretty old hat at this point, and whilst there are a few elements that make it a decent story, I don't feel it really transcends into 'good' territory.

4275002 Ooh la la. Le HapHazred est curieux.

Reviewed The Sunbutt Also Rises

Accepting

I gotta get me some of what that mare's having.

This is a story in which Celestia drinks coffee to wake up. All the things I said about good comedy for the Flash Sentry and Shining Armour review two reviews up are true here, and even more so. The very prim and proper voice of Luna compared to Celestia's ridiculous antics is quite priceless. Over one hundred and ten stories reviewed, and I think only two stories have gotten me to outright chuckle, and this is one of them. It builds up it's jokes, it blows the situation out of proportion, it manages to be spontaneous (which most written stories can't do) and it's all around a good time.

The one thing that bugged me was a hyphen being used instead of an em-dash. And really, if that's the absolute worst thing I can say about it, I think we've got a winner.

4275107 Was it a single hyphen or a double hyphen?
A double hyphen is usually acceptable, but a single hyphen never is.

4275114 Single. Frankly, I don't care unless I'm in a position to change it: I'm not very stringent about grammar technicalities unless they end up damaging the story. A hyphen instead of an em-dash is pretty forgivable in my book.

4275120 Agreed.

Reviewed: How Not to Woo a Fluttershy

Accepting

Talk about the ultimate 'never judge a book by its cover' story. How Not to Woo a Fluttershy has one of the worst ideas for a story I've ever seen. I mean, a black and red alicorn trying to get it on with Fluttershy? Really? Ugh, get ready to give it a reject. However, in the slight chance that this wasn't what it seemed, I gave it a read. Shockingly, I was completely wrong, as this story somehow managed to breathe new life into an idea that didn't have any life to begin with.

With this sort of idea, there are a few pitfalls that stories tend to fall into. The first of these pitfalls is with the OC. Black and red alicorns are oftentimes horrible characters with personalities that make cardboard look like the life of a party. They are often bland, overpowered, edgy as all fk, and have everypony in the story love them unconditionally because reasons. This story's alicorn was nothing like that. He was shown to be about as social as Fluttershy, in that he often runs away if anypony is looking at him, he isn't overpowered in the slightest (he feels like a regular shy kid), and even though he doesn't get much time in the story, what I did see was pretty endearing. Although he was a tad underdeveloped, he was still an enjoyable enough character in his own right, and didn't distract from the story at all.

Speaking of characters, that's another thing that this story's ilk tend to fail at. With other B&R stories, the other characters are often portrayed as ridiculously OOC, often betraying their personalities if said personalities contradict with what the writer wants (Example: Fluttershy is the shyest member of the Main 6, and is scared around strangers? Fk that noise, in my story she easily gets over it and immediately wants to bang my OC because wish fulfillment!). This story, on the other hand, nails every single character perfectly. Fluttershy, Rarity, the CMC, Spike, Angel, Luna... every single one of them act completely in character from beginning to end. Fluttershy is shown to be (almost dangerously) shy, yet is still able to put her hoof down if need be, Rarity is over dramatic, but still eager to assist Flutters, Angel is shown to be bratty, but still caring for Fluttershy, and so forth. Everybody who had a role acted just right, which made immersion a breeze.

And finally, the biggest problem with these types of stories is how dull they are, often settling with overdone ideas that weren't even very good to begin with. They lack detail, often have grammatical issues aplenty, have poor pacing, and are unable to hold anyone's attention. Not the case here. Not only was this story grammatically solid (except when it wanted to make a joke about it), well paced, and well described, but it also managed to be incredibly funny at the same time. Unlike most comedic attempts at this sort of story, which just use the clichés in B&R stories, slap on a comedy tag, and expect what is nothing more than an old cliché to suddenly be funny because it's supposedly being parodied, this story doesn't use any old tropes like that, opting instead to actually try being funny without relying on tired clichés, which it does quite well. The way that the author described Fluttershy's interactions to the world around her was not only accurate to her character, but it was also amusing in just how it was described:

“Perhaps you could—aah!” Fluttershy screamed as Petrol Pansy shoved an envelope in her face. She backed away and put a hoof to her chest to calm her heart and its demands to ‘hidehidehide RIGHTNOW!’.

In addition, there were some pretty humorous observations from the narration, and some funny interactions between characters (Such as my personal favorite where Fluttershy and Angel first interact to talk about the mysterious visitor who keeps showing up at night.) The humor was right where it needed to be throughout the whole thing, and there were a couple points where I laughed so loud that people in the next room over peeked in to see what was up. It was a blast to read.

In conclusion, there are so many things that I find hard to believe here. It's hard to believe that this was actually someone's first effort. It's hard to believe that this managed to breathe life into something as DOA as 'black and red alicorn number 6000 wants to get together with a member of the Main 6'. It's hard to believe that I'm actually putting a story with a premise like that on my favorites list. However, if there's one thing that this story managed to prove, it's that there's nothing you can't achieve if you're willing to put the effort into it. With great characters, excellent humor, and strong writing from a technical perspective (pacing, grammar, and detail were all spot on.), How Not to Woo a Fluttershy is a worthwhile addition to the Bin, and a shining example that almost any idea has the potential to be great.

4275120 I like em-dashes. It bugs me when people don't use them when they should.

Reviewing: Tears Of The Past

4275163 Ooh, generic title number 46, good choice. I prefer 'Shadows of the Heart', myself.

Edgy romance for the win.

I seem to be reviewing a lot of comedy oriented stories these days. Probably because they're all the shortest ones, and I work from shortest to longest because it makes me look more productive.

Reviewed A definitive Guide to Pony Anatomy

Accepting

Humour is a bit of a complex thing, and there are several methods to get it done right. I've briefly mentioned some above, but one I haven't gone into too much detail about is the idea of dichotomy. This story, in particular, relies on it. The way the characters are behaving (incredibly seriously) is completely out of place alongside what they are doing (cuddling Princess Celestia's Tubby-Wubbie-Rasberry-Thingy). But even though this is done well, it wouldn't have made it to proper comedy if it had just been Princess Celestia getting cuddled.

This story takes Celestia and almost makes her the butt of a long joke. Like most jokes, it's pretty vicious when you get down to it. Celestia's weight is mocked, as is her romantic life, and the fact she's often unapproachable. And that's what makes the story funny. Not just because the two most regal ponies in the show are being reduced to cuddleholics, but because Celestia is made to look ridiculous whilst doing so.

It's a story that either understands how comedy works, or got really lucky. In either case, it's now the third story that got me to chuckle once during reading. I may be getting soft.

Obviously, there isn't much else to this story. The only thing you can hope to get out of this little thing is a few laughs. Thankfully, I believe this story will provide such laughs, and provide them aplenty.

Reviewed Pretty Simple

Accepting

At first, I got pretty bored of this story. It kind of sets itself up in the first few hundred -thousand words as Discord talking at the reader, and whilst his voice is certainly heard loud and clear, the novelty wore off pretty fast.

What changed my mind about it was the fact that, not only was the story able to (very scrappily) claw the novelty back, including such odd things as talking chocolate milk glasses and some very laid back chaosery, but it also evolved into a rather sweet and enjoyable story about Discord making a friend.

I kind of felt it was a bit oversimplistic, perhaps, but I've never faulted that in stories before, and I don't intend to now. This really is an enjoyable story that I really don't think has any difficulty is being fun and likable. Discord is likable, but also mischievous, and very endearing. He's what carries this story, and even though I expected to be bored with his very quickly, he kept me entertained throughout the whole thing.

I think that without Discord, there isn't much going for this story, though: the premise is, like I said, very simplistic (Discord makes a friend with a kid), Dinky is very dull, and for a story with a comedy tag, it relied more on Discord surprising me than prepared jokes. It was certainly light hearted, and it did surprise me a fair bit, but it didn't manage to make me laugh.

Thankfully, I'd read this story for Discord alone. It's a little thing I certainly don't regret reading, and I hope everyone else will enjoy it too.

I'm starting to notice that Artichokelust hasn't really been doing anything lately. Is he/or she okay?

4278386 Good point. He tends to review longer stories, so it takes him a while. Even so, he has been absent for a bit.

I'll nag him. Gimme a 'sec.

EDIT: actually, it's about time I do my rounds of checking how everyone is doing. Stand by for individual PMs.

Reviewed: Tears of the Past

Rejecting

Ah yes, the old ‘Twilight outlives her friends’ plotline. We’ve seen these sorts of plots a lot within fanfiction, and it’s easy to see why: not only does it make sense given what we know about the show, but it also often hits readers as hard as it does Twilight. If done well, these sorts of stories can easily be among the most depressing stories on the site, and in some aspects, this story is up there with some of the greats. Unfortuantly, it also fails in enough aspects to make me reject it.

Okay, why am I rejecting this story? Two things: One, the pacing was inconsistent. I mean, it started off spectacular, showing everything in great detail, just like a good sad story should do. I felt really bad for Twilight in this, as I saw how even the most inconsequential of details affected her. Sadly, the further into the story I got, the sloppier the pacing became. This really shined the brightest at the flashback scene, where Twilight is with Rainbow for the very last time. In the flashback, things went far too quickly for me to be invested. This could’ve gone into a lot more detail, and really needed to be a bit showier than it was. To quote one example:

There she laid, the prismatic mare, weakened by age and barely breathing anymore. She was wired up to various machines, all of which broke Twilight's heart.

Don’t tell me that her heart is broken; show me that it’s broken! Describe Rainbow’s appearance more, describe her posture, describe the feeling that Twilight felt better, anything! I’m sorry, but for a big reveal, this goes by too quickly, especially given how the first half took its sweet time. Really, the flashback onward felt like the writer was just phoning it in, which was really frustrating.

The other reason I’m rejecting this story is because the grammar is mediocre at best. Here are just a few examples of errors I found:

She inhaled as much of it as she could , the scent was a cold breeze after a night’s rain flowing over a wet field of grass.

Twilight left the stairs and oddly, turned left into the throne room.

After two hundred years, you still crying over them

These Memories are haunting me

But you are diving head first into a pool of pain

You should remember them and feel joy about all the times’ you shared,

I’m no Grammar Nazi (Most of the time), but the grammar in this one was incredibly distracting. Honestly, I would’ve let it slide if it weren’t for the fact that it has grammatical issues absolutely everywhere! It’s a shame too, because this story isn’t half bad outside of the grammar and inconsistent pacing. Unfortunatly, those two things managed to drag the story down, making it impossible for me to let it in as of now. If the writer gets an editor for it, than let me know, since I do think that it is a nice story aside from the pacing and grammar. If those two things are fixed, then I’ll be happy to let it in, but as it is… I just can’t.

Well, someone's got to get rid of all of the waveblaster in that folder.
Reviewing: This thing