This is a trial run at a Fallout story. It's just the prologue to the story I am going to write, but this will give me a good look at what needs work.

I would definitely remove that. It just lures the downvotes in soo soo hard. Trust me.

I'll give the story a read. I'll tell you once I'm finished.

It's... impressive at least that you got through your chapter without using the words unicorn, earth pony or pegasus even once.