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Chapter 11,204 words
The Two Hundred Year Late Epilogue.677 words

The Two Hundred Year Late Epilogue.

KA-CHUNK. KA-CHUNK!

I could hear the buckshot spraying onto the super mutants behind. I prayed that the shotgun blasts would slow the beasts down, as it was becoming harder to concentrate on running and magically aiming the levitated shotgun behind me. I turned, sharply, around a corner. There’s a large pile of rubble, and I don’t know if I can make it over, but I try. Sliding my sawed off shotgun into a slot on my flank, I rear back, preparing to scale the small mountain of rubble in front of me. I race up the rubble, but lose my hoofing at the top, and crash down the rubble on my face. I land on my side, cuts, grazes and bruises adorn my body.

They warned me that scavenging Manehattan was a bad idea, but did I listen? No, I had to play tough mare and run in blind with a sawed off shotgun and twenty shells. I limp into the burned out interior of an old storefront, hiding behind the counter. I’m not the first to have this Idea, as evident by the skeleton curled up in the corner. I pull my saddlebag in front of me and began to rummage through it. One healing potion, that’s it. I wrap my lips around the bottle and pull my head back, the pink, fizzing liquid pouring down my throat. I peek over the counter to watch out for the mutants. I don’t think they followed me. They’re too big, they wouldn’t be able to get over the rubble pile, and they’re too dumb to try and go around, or at least, I hope they are. I don’t take the chance and immediately get back out on the broken Manehattan streets.

As I walk by the burned out buildings I see something in the distance, the road leads out of the city. I speed up my walk to a run, before tripping and slamming my chin on the burned and scarred concrete. My back left leg, maybe broken, but definitely hurting. I barely push myself up on my four hooves and limp forward, looking everywhere for a spot to rest. As my head seems to become lighter, I barely make it out of the city, a lowly motel to the side of the road beckons me with its bent and blackened sign out front.

I ascend the stairs, steadying myself with the bloodstained, beige walls of the pre-war structure. I make my way to the final door on the end of the balcony, unlocked, as I’d hoped. There’s a skeleton staring out the window, but my eyes lock onto the perfectly made, seemingly, untouched bed. I rest on the mattress, immediately falling into a deep sleep.

I’m up early the next morning. My leg still hurts, but I can ignore it. I look over to the skeleton staring out the window, and the bag by its side. I levitate the bag to to my side and begin to rummage through it. I find what I was hoping for, several rolls of healing bandages and three healing potions. I quickly tend to my leg before taking a more thorough look into the bag, and the bag turns out to be an interesting piece of salvage. A glowing, glass sphere, a memory orb. I touch my horn to the device and the visions I am met with only intrigue me more. Some kind of radio broadcast, a pre-war facility with a plethora of weapons, armour and experimental tech, enough to please the Steel Rangers who keep seeming to pop up in my life. Upon further investigation of the bag, I find plans, a large number of notes and maps, puzzle pieces painting a pretty picture. A way into the facility. I load everything into my saddle bags and head on my way. I’ll need weapons and supplies if I’m gonna break into this facility. I think I’ll raid one of the raider dens in Ponyville.

Author's Note:

I wasn't originally planning on writing this, but when inspiration strikes, you can't say no.

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Derpcookie15

Derpcookie15 #1 · Feb 12th, 2014 · 1 · ·

Hi! Just giving you a heads up, your story is the next to be reviewed on my list!

- Derpcookie15

Derpcookie15

Derpcookie15 #2 · Feb 24th, 2014 · 1 · ·

Every now and again I come to a story that doesn't need much to say. This is one of those particular stories. Usually in a review I point out what needs to improve, and how you can do so. This is an odd case, as you haven't made any of the common mistakes authors tend to make. With this said -- let's dive right into the review!

I want to start this by saying that it was entertaining. Slow, but entertaining. I enjoyed the laidbackness of the main character. Or at least in the tone. However, the tone can also be sincere, which is good because have that same exact feeling throughout the reading can be tedious.

Though I figure the best thing to cover first would be your strong points with this. Because I have a few thoughts (positive mind you) that I would like to express. Firstly, your grammar. It's good. Throughout the story there is little error. I think I spotted one in the first chapter, I'm not sure if it was even there but whatever. If I could I would point it out. Otherwise, you've done a good job cleaning this up. I've only found 4 or so other authors who can do this on their own, and I am assuming you don't have an editor of your own. (Please, correct me if I am wrong.) So very good job there.

Next, your atmosphere. It is by all means a very deep atmosphere. When reading it I had a still, enveloping sensation surge through me. This is a good sign that your story works. Which sort of brings me to my next pro. The narrative itself. It's interesting to say the least, nothing bad -- but by no means is it great. It's notable in that the narrative does set a feeling that is solidly felt by the reader. This is a two-sided coin though, and later I'll tell you why.

Now for the cons. Please, excuse me for being frank but... IT'S TOO SLOW. Remember how I mentioned I would being up that other side of the coin? Well, this is it. It's slow. Not tedious, but just... Well, slow. I'm not kidding I think it's okay but there is NO TALKING AT ALL. Without dialogue the story drags, and with your skillful use of atmposhere you've avoided bore-snore territory. Just to tell you, you're really tipping the scale here keeling over into that territory.

Not only that but you suffer from a problem that not many authors suffer from... In fact, out of the dozens of FoE stories I've read you may be the first I say this to. You use away too much description. The first paragraph alone could be cut down. You give us too much to take in, and most of this stuff could be summed up in a few simple words rather than two full sentences.

For example:

Here I sit, glancing out the window of this low grade, Manehattan motel. I reach over to the large, square bottom bottle of whiskey resting on the small, circular table to my right. I wrap my lips around the neck of the thick glass bottle and tilt my head back and swallow the waves of warm, brown liquid. I choke down the, almost stale, alcohol and pull the bottle from my mouth with my hooves. I lick my lips and savour the taste before shuffling further back into my chair, embedding myself in its crusty, red cushions.

This is just a guy taking a sip of some whiskey for pete's sake!

Here is an easier, yet still descriptive, way you could have done this:

Here I sit, glancing out the window of the old low-grade Manehattan motel. Reaching over to my side I pick up a large whiskey bottle. Only halfway empty, and lukewarm. I lick my dry lips, and quickly take a sip of the stale liquid. Coughing lightly, I cringe as the burning dryness goes down my throat. There isn't much I can do but drink. I just wish there was something better to sip on than this stuff.

See how much better that is? Not only does it bring out personality, but it also tells what he's doing and where without Odyssey length wording.

Not much can be actually said about the character, or which direction the story is going at this time. All I can say is that when it does have a few more chapters I might come back to see how you've improved.

In conclusion to this review, you did good. This is one of the better first tries at writing a story that I've seen. Like every story it is by no means without flaw. Yet, there are some notable qualities about it. I hope you continue with this. You've got the skill to do it. And for that you earn a like from me.

- Derpcookie15

Inkwell_the_writer_horse

Inkwell_the_writer_horse #3 · Feb 25th, 2014 · · ·

3996571 Thank you. I didn't have an editor on this story, and considering my lack of confidence in my syntax and grammar your comments made me feel alot better. The "Too much description" comment, though accurate to a degree, is pretty ironic considering most of my critics attack lack of description and breack-neck pacing. This story was just an experiment in writing one night when I began to ponder how I'd really react if the world ended, that's where the cheap hotel and whiskey came in. I'm happy you liked my story and I only hope your comments will allow to find the grey area between too much description and not enough description, as well, too slow and too fast.

Derpcookie15