Fallout: Equestria: Before The Bombs Fell

TFallout: Equestria: All That Glitters Is Not Gold
MLP: FiM
Dark
Adventure
Comedy
When Knick-Knack, a scavenger and adventurer, finds a memory orb revealing a secret, pre-war stronghold, untouched since the days of the royal sisters, but when he realises that the defences of the fortress are too much for him to handle, he relies
Crossover
Alt. Universe
OC
Other
Inkwell_the_writer_horse · 5.2k words · 17 5 · 1.4k views

Fallout: Equestria: Before The Bombs Fell

Anyone who survived the destruction of Equestria at the hooves of her enemies remember where they were, but the dead remember too.

Chapters (2)

Chapter 1 · 6th Jan 2014 · 1,204 words
1,204
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The Two Hundred Year Late Epilogue. · 20th Jan 2014 · 677 words
677
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Comments ( 6 )

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Derpcookie15

Derpcookie15 #1 · Feb 12th, 2014 · 1 · · The Two Hundred Year Late Epilogue. ·

Hi! Just giving you a heads up, your story is the next to be reviewed on my list!

- Derpcookie15

Derpcookie15

Derpcookie15 #2 · Feb 24th, 2014 · 1 · · The Two Hundred Year Late Epilogue. ·

Every now and again I come to a story that doesn't need much to say. This is one of those particular stories. Usually in a review I point out what needs to improve, and how you can do so. This is an odd case, as you haven't made any of the common mistakes authors tend to make. With this said -- let's dive right into the review!

I want to start this by saying that it was entertaining. Slow, but entertaining. I enjoyed the laidbackness of the main character. Or at least in the tone. However, the tone can also be sincere, which is good because have that same exact feeling throughout the reading can be tedious.

Though I figure the best thing to cover first would be your strong points with this. Because I have a few thoughts (positive mind you) that I would like to express. Firstly, your grammar. It's good. Throughout the story there is little error. I think I spotted one in the first chapter, I'm not sure if it was even there but whatever. If I could I would point it out. Otherwise, you've done a good job cleaning this up. I've only found 4 or so other authors who can do this on their own, and I am assuming you don't have an editor of your own. (Please, correct me if I am wrong.) So very good job there.

Next, your atmosphere. It is by all means a very deep atmosphere. When reading it I had a still, enveloping sensation surge through me. This is a good sign that your story works. Which sort of brings me to my next pro. The narrative itself. It's interesting to say the least, nothing bad -- but by no means is it great. It's notable in that the narrative does set a feeling that is solidly felt by the reader. This is a two-sided coin though, and later I'll tell you why.

Now for the cons. Please, excuse me for being frank but... IT'S TOO SLOW. Remember how I mentioned I would being up that other side of the coin? Well, this is it. It's slow. Not tedious, but just... Well, slow. I'm not kidding I think it's okay but there is NO TALKING AT ALL. Without dialogue the story drags, and with your skillful use of atmposhere you've avoided bore-snore territory. Just to tell you, you're really tipping the scale here keeling over into that territory.

Not only that but you suffer from a problem that not many authors suffer from... In fact, out of the dozens of FoE stories I've read you may be the first I say this to. You use away too much description. The first paragraph alone could be cut down. You give us too much to take in, and most of this stuff could be summed up in a few simple words rather than two full sentences.

For example:

Here I sit, glancing out the window of this low grade, Manehattan motel. I reach over to the large, square bottom bottle of whiskey resting on the small, circular table to my right. I wrap my lips around the neck of the thick glass bottle and tilt my head back and swallow the waves of warm, brown liquid. I choke down the, almost stale, alcohol and pull the bottle from my mouth with my hooves. I lick my lips and savour the taste before shuffling further back into my chair, embedding myself in its crusty, red cushions.

This is just a guy taking a sip of some whiskey for pete's sake!

Here is an easier, yet still descriptive, way you could have done this:

Here I sit, glancing out the window of the old low-grade Manehattan motel. Reaching over to my side I pick up a large whiskey bottle. Only halfway empty, and lukewarm. I lick my dry lips, and quickly take a sip of the stale liquid. Coughing lightly, I cringe as the burning dryness goes down my throat. There isn't much I can do but drink. I just wish there was something better to sip on than this stuff.

See how much better that is? Not only does it bring out personality, but it also tells what he's doing and where without Odyssey length wording.

Not much can be actually said about the character, or which direction the story is going at this time. All I can say is that when it does have a few more chapters I might come back to see how you've improved.

In conclusion to this review, you did good. This is one of the better first tries at writing a story that I've seen. Like every story it is by no means without flaw. Yet, there are some notable qualities about it. I hope you continue with this. You've got the skill to do it. And for that you earn a like from me.

- Derpcookie15

Inkwell_the_writer_horse

Inkwell_the_writer_horse #3 · Feb 25th, 2014 · · · The Two Hundred Year Late Epilogue. ·

3996571 Thank you. I didn't have an editor on this story, and considering my lack of confidence in my syntax and grammar your comments made me feel alot better. The "Too much description" comment, though accurate to a degree, is pretty ironic considering most of my critics attack lack of description and breack-neck pacing. This story was just an experiment in writing one night when I began to ponder how I'd really react if the world ended, that's where the cheap hotel and whiskey came in. I'm happy you liked my story and I only hope your comments will allow to find the grey area between too much description and not enough description, as well, too slow and too fast.

Derpcookie15