For whoever needs to hear it · 3:44pm Dec 11th, 2020
Hey, look, it's Christmas again. For a lot of people it's a really happy and positive time of year. If that's what it is to you, then this message isn't for you.
For a lot of other people, like me, it's a really hard time of year. A lot of that is because Christmas is a family holiday, and not everyone benefits from family being a positive in their lives. A few years ago Christmas media really seemed to pick up on that, and adapted a new moral: Christmas is a time of reconciliation. Your family might not be the best, but it's the one you have, and it's important.
I'm sure there are people for whom that's comforting.
For a lot of other people, people who benefit a lot from cutting family out of their lives, it's really not. It's a constant, overwhelming pressure that you're a bad person for distancing yourself from people who have done you a lot of harm. Nobody is entitled to your love or your respect, least of all due to the circumstances of your birth. The overwhelming moral messaging of Christmas ends up saying that people should rebuild relationships with their abusers, and it's a hard pressure to deal with.
You're not a bad person. You're not failing. You're not alone in this, even though everything about the next month is probably going to feel very isolating.
Find your happiness where you can, and meaning in what you find meaningful. And we are going to make it through this year.
Earlier this year there was a contest for a 100gb-a-month phone plan for the next decade. The question was; "If you won data for a decade, what would you do with it?"
My answer: "I haven't spoken to my Dad for ten years. With this plan, I could make it twenty."
Haven't had to pay a phone bill in six months now, and that's my happiness.
I'm about 90% certain I was the abuser in these relationships... and yet I'm also the one who had to make a concerted effort to cut them out of my life because they couldn't take the ****ing hint that I didn't actually care about them beyond the free stuff they were willing to give to me on what I saw as flimsy pretenses. I should probably keep this on tap for the next time one of them tries to contact me, along with the already-written quip "I'd tell you to go **** yourselves but that's what your husbands and in (mother's name)'s case kinky sex dungeon are for".
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This is more written for the people you are thinking of linking this to than for you, I think.
Thank you for this post. I dislike the holidays immensely due to this very reason.
Preach it.
Well said!
Merry Festivus?
Hmm, good point. Does anyone have any recommendations for holiday media about found family?
Now, to play devil's advocate for a moment, I think it can, depending on circumstances, be a good idea to think of such family members around this time, both out of appreciation for what things, however few and minuscule they may be, they did do for you that were positive, and as a way of double/triple/quadruple/etc...-checking "am I the arsehole?". However, in the event that that's not the case, as it may well not be, or in the likely event where the former is done or impossible and the answer to the latter is a resounding "no", this is a good thing to hear.
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I suppose that depends on whether you want something without any element of biological family, or simply one which isn't largely about it as opposed to, as you say, found family and friends.
For the former, well there aren't that many, but there are a few: The Snowman, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, A Pinky and the Brain Christmas and The Night of the Meek and The Changing of the Guard from The Twilight Zone spring immediately to mind. Also, a slightly more obscure and weird kind-of-Christmas episode: The Bells of Fraggle Rock. Not sure why, but that one always really stuck out to me, despite being both non-obvious and about a pseudo-Christmas in the same vein as Hogfather.
As for works where family is involved somewhat, but it's either a minor element or theme, a small part of the overall theme or just there-but-not-that-relevant, there are a fair few more. For example, most versions of A Christmas Carol could count since, while both Bob Cratchit's family and Scrooge's relationship with his own family do play a significant part, they're both just subsets of more major factors - Scrooge's inhumanity to others for the former and his cutting himself off from the world for the latter. In particular, I'd recommend the George C. Scott version, which also features Scrooge confronting his own... less that ideal history with his father and addressing it and how it's affected him.
However, for a work that focuses on found family and on general connections with others, I'd recommend the Justice League Christmas episode, Comfort and Joy. It's honestly one of my favourite pieces of Christmas media in general and focuses on general bonds between people - family, friends, lovers and even enemies.
Or failing that, there's always Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Or maybe Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny. I mean, for all you can say about them, at least they're not too caught up with family matters.
Yeah, this is about my least favorite time of year. The family problems are a large part of that, though not all of it. This year is particularly hard, since I can't spend time with the only immediate family member I have who's a decent person, or any of my friends.
Like most years, I'm going to spend the holidays talking to belligerently stupid people (in other words, I'll be working).
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I'll try to be concise here, but the point is that we're going to be absolutely saturated by that argument all month, and it's awful to be asked "are you sure" this many times. I'm trying to offer succor here, and I don't think it helps anyone to ask them to triple-check they're allowed to feel this way. You're not playing devil's advocate when you're echoing what's playing on every television channel every hour for the next three weeks.
There's a time and place for that conversation, and it's during the other eleven months of the year.
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That's fair and, while I don't think it's a question that should be asked frequently and I think doing so once a year before dismissing it and getting on with staying happy is a valid way of doing things, I also see why you wouldn't want to impinge upon a good mood by thinking of such things. And while I haven't personally noticed that argument myself (solely because I'm not the intended audience for it), I fully believe you that it's common and I apologize for inadvertently repeating it.
Small point, though: "Devil's advocate" has absolutely nothing to do with how popular or common an argument is. All it means is to bring up and put forward an argument from a position you don't agree with. Because I do agree with your overall point. I just feel it's important to address such things.
I hope you all have a peaceful end of the year. It’s been very rough for everyone, and I sympathize...
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When I see the appalling misery, suffering, and damage that blood families often inflict on each other, I am utterly bewildered by people who religiously cling to the idea that there is some special (and presumably beneficial) connection between them, regardless of the demonstrable and obvious harm being done.
They might as well be asking, "Are you sure you don't want to stick your hand in the fire again?"
I read this and the first thing that I thought of was the first Home Alone movie and the old man who lived across the street. He managed to reconcile with his estranged son and likely wouldn't have if he hadn't been convinced by the main character.
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Not really holiday oriented or a movie, but This is Us is a good series about a family learning to reconcile their various pasts. I caught a random episode that my mom was watching and it had my tearing up.
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I aspire to be so justifiably petty that I too win contests through sheer pettiness alone.
Also, Hug. We're all your family. Your weird dysfunctional degenerate family.
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This is still my favourite story, and honestly the best way to maintain staying out of a rather toxic relationship. The fact that it won you 10 years worth of phone bills being paid is amazing.
Also this year is going to be interesting for people, because I am honestly hoping that Covid will make the stress of holidays a bit less stressful for people. Those that have to try to deal with family they hate and/or are afraid of needing to see now may not have to. Those that normally struggle the most with trying to hold it together for the holidays for their family may not have to overstress themselves in doing so. And hopefully that makes the holidays a little more bearable.
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Oh yeah, the completely valid reason to avoid going anywhere near your family will work wonders for those who don't want to. Have worked wonders, as lots of people can attest to.
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For context, I am a full time crisis worker, and this time of year makes my job exceptionally busy because turns out the holidays are bad when you struggle with mental illness. I worry a lot about my clients, and I'm honestly hoping that this year is easier on folks that normally would get so stressed out trying to look 'normal' for their families.
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That's a very perceptive observation. (Not too surprising, I suppose, since you're a professional.) It's another strange and baseless belief that most people seem to hold: the holidays are for celebrating, so there's something wrong with a person if they aren't completely festive and cheerful... despite anything else going on in their life.
thank you
This year I discovered that 6 ten hour shifts is MUCH worse than 5, 12 hour shifts!