Short Hand: Whipping them into Shape 1 · 3:48am Sep 2nd, 2020
Shepherd does have to actually do his knightly duties, and so he does have to travel to Canterlot on occasion to talk to members of Canterlot's military forces. Including General Hardtack, head of the Royal Equestrian Army.
Hardtack: "Gotta say Shepherd, you do good work for a soft handed ape!"
Shepherd: "Thanks... I think."
Hardtack: "There is one big issue with the Army that I'd like you to address though! We've been getting a lot of recruits from the Royal Guard, and they're all... Bucking terrible!"
Shepherd: "Come on General, they can't be that bad."
Hardtack "Well, look who's an optimist! Well sir, by all means, see how effective they are at detecting intruders! The one thing they're supposed to be good at! Then tell me how bucking NOT terrible they are!"
Shepherd: "Yes sir."
Later... Shepherd is standing in front of a few of the more troublesome recruits in the drill yard of the local base.
Shepherd: "All right troops, we're going to attempt a very simple exercise. One that should help hone your skills as protectors. And that is-Hey! WHAT'S THAT?!"
Every pony turns and looks where Shepherd's finger is pointing. Shepherd then pulls up an extremely large cardboard box and kneels down, the box covering him. The troops all turn back.
Soldier 1: "Wha-Where'd he go?!"
Soldier 2: "I don't know... First he was here, then there was that box!"
Soldier 1: "Hey, you don't suppose... He used magic to exchange himself with the box, do you?"
Soldier 3: "Humans don't have magic, stupid!"
Soldier 4: "He could be a ninja!"
Soldier 1: "That still means magic!"
Soldier 3: "And humans don't have magic, duh!"
Soldier 5: "Hey, uh... What if he's under the box?"
Soldiers: "..." Begin laughing mockingly
Soldier 1: "Oh yeah! The human is TOTALLY under the box!"
Soldier 2: "Yeah, sure Rookie, whatever! Like we're dumb enough to think he'd be under that box!"
Soldier 4: "Yeah! He clearly switched himself out for the box, and is somewhere else in the base!"
Shepherd: "... I think I owe the general a drink."
Soldier 1: "Huh! Did that box talk?"
Shepherd: deadpan "No."
Soldier 1: "Oh, I didn't think so."
Soldier 5 needs a promotion.
5347037
agreed
5347042
I SERIOUSLY need to see this happen in a MGS game.
So the solution is fire all of them except 5. Rince and repeat until you have a group of recruits who aren't 90% braindead
"Who do you think you are? I'm gonna..."
*hat with his name on it goes fwoosh! in an impressive way*
"Ah, right, sorry sir."
*repeat five times*
"Oh please, just because you've got a hat that says Gilgamesh Wulfenbach on it you think I'm going to let you..."
*WHAM! Knocks the guard out*
"When this is all over, you get a promotion!"
5347085
I'm wondering just what happened to them that permanently damaged their sense of object permanence. And whether Shining Armor was affected.
5347090
I blame some noble who thought it was a good idea to recuit by looks rather than brains. And yes Shining is definitely affected. It's clearly established that in the Handsverse, Twilight got all the brains.
You borrowed that from the Last Days of Foxhound, right?
Soldier 5 might be the most intelligent, but for this group, that's still low-hanging fruit.
If that’s how dumb the royal guards are that means most if not a lot of ponies are that stupid
Well, at least Shepherd has some prime ammunition next time he butts heads with Shining.
5347137
Unfortunately, Shining still has that pointy bit attached to his...
5347120
Most ponies are fooled by the trench coat, fedora, and plastic glasses trope so yeah, not hella smart in the detecting threats area. I can't remember what the story was but it was an Anon one. Anon pretty much confirmed how bad it is with the crudely drawn paper plate masks. Was sorta ok with the Celestia one but he made the mistake of putting a Chrysalis one on toward the end.
5347093
GENOME soldier: ...Isn't he in the box?
Liquid Snake: *Exploding out from under the box* MY BROTHERS!
5347093
Yes.
5347201
And if the ponies are that dumb that also means most races in the world Because the ponies invented most of their technology have the most advanced country and society so it’s like a group of toddlers telling babies what to do and then the Alcorn’s are like five-year-olds
Soldier 5 needs a promotion to Named Character.
5347488
I second this motion!
5347090
Ahh, Girl Genius. That whole part with the hat was absolutely glorious