Laser Vagina is go! · 10:34pm Apr 19th, 2019
So before we get into the details, yes, the Ko-Fi goal is still up. Because if you can't attempt to crowdfund a laser vagina, then what is the Internet for?
Stay tuned. I've got a nearly-as-good punchline coming up.
So clearly today was the urologist visit. (Also dentist. I begged for antibiotics to help lower the odds on an infection from that work, got them, and am putting her through as many salt water mouth rinses as I can get away with.) Which means that I had to sit patiently while a doctor explained the benefits of getting a laser vagina. To my mother. While keeping a straight face the entire time.
...yeah.
But she decided to go for it, and that means I am now paying for it.
Now: details.
* It's not a cure-all. This doesn't eliminate infections entirely: it just lowers the odds of getting one. The doctor's estimate was that it might bring her rate down by 60% or so. This can be further assisted with other medications.
Keep in mind that she's had at least five infections since September. (I may have missed one while she was in the hospital for medication balancing.) At least three of those seem to have been urinary. So cutting that number down would help.
* There are three treatments required, which take about five minutes each. The first one costs $600, the second is also $600, and the third is considered free because that makes it look better than charging $400 three times. (Marketing!) This makes the total cost $1200, and I knew that going in: the original goal was set accordingly.
* It's FDA approved, but it's considered as an elective procedure -- and that's why the Medicare/Medicaid combo pack doesn't pay for anything.
* Her physician could only give me a success rate based on the patients he's personally treated: 22 out of 23. Betting odds.
* It's not permanent, and I didn't know that until today. Assuming the procedure succeeds, you need a yearly follow-up treatment, which will cost another $600. (Marketing and long-term planning!) But I'm not going to worry about that right now because I'm not sure either of us is making it through another full year. Frankly, I'm a little dubious about sunrise. Meteors exist.
Let's go back to marketing for a second, because that's where the punchline is.
You've probably noticed that ever since this started, I've been calling the procedure by its own name, and we've had some fun with that. When I put up this blog's title, I was picturing, shall we say, the only image which could arguably make End Of Evangelion worse, and don't think we're going to avoid that when the final reboot film comes out. But the thing is... you really can't sell it that way. There is a significant part of the population which would not take 'laser vagina' well, even as a medical term. Just try talking about that at the church sewing circle, especially as applies to yourself: even gossiping about someone else getting one is risky business.
So that's not the term it's marketed under.
I was given a brochure on the way out, because of course there's a brochure. And it told me how this procedure is sold. The name.
Brace yourselves.
.
.
.
...oh, so that's why she's smiling.
This is probably where I should mention that I was trying to think of a male equivalent.
"So the procedure is that we're going to shoot a laser straight down the urethra. And they're going to agree to this why?"
"Because I'm calling it a Rodin's Thinker Flex."
I'm serious. MonaLisa Touch. (c), (tm), and (r). Here's the website. (Note that different parts of the world will be given extra view options, as the procedure is apparently approved for more uses outside the States.) And I was calling it a laser vagina.
I may keep doing that.
Because somehow, the name they chose is worse.
At least with Mona Lisa, there's always that smile!
From the website:
"Gentle laser energy." Sounds like a sci-fi spa treatment. I can't help but imagine Rarity discussing the concept with Twilight (while ever-so-discreetly asking if she might be wiling to learn about the finer details of the procedure) without being aware of which soft tissues are being targeted.
I've never read William Gibson's Mona Lisa overdrive , but apparently its quite a bit different than I thought it was.
oh my god
I'm dying, this is too much
Hah! Well. A bit more comedy out of this there, at least. :D
5046561
...look, I know I sort of stuck you with a story concept. But if you're trying to return the favor, I'm really not sure how much I can do with "She's putting her horn where?"
(Incidentally, if I do somehow go to my Patreon maximum of five post charges this month, the stated reason is 'laser vagina.' (But with all the doctor's appointments...))
5046572
More thinking out loud than trying to suggest anything. Besides, you've arguably already gotten the best possible use out of the concept.
When it rains...
I just tried to use the microwave and had to abort about halfway in: the interior flashed, and I heard a buzzing noise just before smelling smoke.
Immediately went to my mother. Told her not to use the microwave. At all. It probably has a short, and that's the sort of thing where replacement is potentially less than repair. And this when I was already replacing the toaster oven next month...
She told me she knew. It happened to her this morning, while I was in the bathroom.
So why didn't she tell me?
Because she didn't think it would happen twice.
...dementia...
ETA: And in a desperate attempt to keep her from using it until I can wrestle it to repair shop or dumpster, I just -- duct-taped the microwave's door shut.
Yay, my life.
5046578
Given that microwave ovens are cheap, and that microwave ovens that leak due to damaged shielding can do Very Bad Things to anyone standing too close (and electronics farther away), are you sure replacement isn't the better option?
(It's far more likely to damage itself in a way that just makes it blow a fuse, but I wouldn't take the chance myself.)
5046584
I'll likely wind up replacing it, but that's money I wasn't expecting to spend this month and it comes on the heels of an upcoming four-digit medical bill. *sigh* Also, I really wanted to try and just write tomorrow, and now I may lose the entire day to microwave repair and/or shopping. Whee...
I already started the Amazon search. It'll need more than 700 watts, so I'm looking at the $100-150 range.
...I still have trouble seeing that as 'cheap'.
(ETA: I did inspect the interior to see if she'd left any metal in there. Nothing.)
There needs to be a fic about how the Main 6 need to perform a MonaLisa Touch with the Elements of Harmony on... someone? For some reason?
They say that the Mona Lisa’s eyes follow you around the room. I really hope that doesn’t mean...
The thing about laser treating a penis:
Lasers go straight
The passage curves slightly
Uhm…. No thank you.
Material probes straighten as they go.
This is why you're going to piss blood afterwards!
(It's great to learn because Knowledge is Power)
When I had prostate surgery, they showed me a catheter the diameter of a soda straw
"Uhm…. the passage isn't that big."
"Don't worry, it will stretch"
This is why the handout says that you will piss blood for a week.
(Actually, it took THREE weeks for me to stop. Other folks have taken longer)
This is the least invasive procedure
I don't want to be invaded again
5046566
I’d like to think I scared my cat with my sudden raspy hooting, but I suspect he was kind of non-plussed now.
5046578
an unlikely cause of the spark, pop , and smoke thing is that happen s if a fly or gnat is caught in the way of the microwaves when they cook and burrst in a second or two, Not to make assumptions, but if you have any in your home they might be the cause. I figured any alternative explination might be welcomed right now.
*skullpalm*
That name is just...
No.
Thank you for that mental image Estee.
*sigh*
Right, time to clean out the inside of my skull with the anti-francium again,..
5046609
Huh. I still reflexively winced on the "it will stretch" point and I'm nothing but bones there now...
(That said, I did have several hernia operations, the last being eight or nine, which probably wasn't nearly as bas as that souds, but mayhaps was at least withig spitting distance.
...
I wonder if all the stuff that needed to be done down there might partly explain my while-alive sexual proclivities, or more accurately, the absense thereof.,,,)
Well, I think the pont my mind is starting to wander to random things no-one wants to know (not even me), it's probably time to stop.
Heroine: Laser Vagina ACTIVATE!
Villian: Wait...what?
At least there's still some humor.
5046646
They tell you "No sex until your doctor approves"
(Not to worry, you were always pretty good at playing "Mother May I...?")
However, Mr. Johnson does NOT appear to have gotten the memo....
The rest is NSFW, but PAINFUL!
Maybe I've been overbinging on anime lately, but both "LASER VAGINA IS GO" and "MONA LISA TOUCH" sound appropriately engrish.
MonaLisa Touch sounds somehow incredibly inappropriate.
5046561
Somehow I read that in Bob Ross' voice. Maybe that's why they do it three times - because every laser vagina needs a friend.
I'll be honest - I genuinely thought at first that Laser Vagina was referring to a method of, uh, roasting peppers.
I'm still not totally convinced it isn't referring to that...
That website about a complex medical procedure has like, two whole sentences explaining what it is. Short ones.
That makes it sound like an art heist, not a medical procedure.
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=the+internet+is+for+porn+pmv&&view=detail&mid=D5DB3BCFC7FA2B8FFFC0D5DB3BCFC7FA2B8FFFC0&&FORM=VRDGAR
5046853
I thought it sounded like a DS or tablet game.
Laser Vagina - Here I had the stoopid idea you were writing a Power Pony story with Maud as the new superhero addition....
(yeah, I think I'll stop there. 
)
Meteors exist - As long as we have Bruce Willis to blow them up, we'll be OK.
MonaLisa Touch - feminine, Van Gogh Slice - masculine???