Dam You Twilight Sparkle · 12:54am May 31st, 2018
Alright, alright! Settle down, everypony. I understand that many of you are upset. I’ve heard your complaints and I’ve read your letters, even the letters that contained anthrax or any number of deadly contact poisons. I think some other princesses would be upset by this, since technically it is attempted murder and also probably treason. Maybe even most other princesses. But not me. I take it as a sign of just how engaged the ponies of Ponyville are with their local government!
I mean, think about it. How many towns are there in Equestria that would resort to assasination over disagreement about a civic construction project? Not many! That’s real town spirit. You don’t see that much anymore.
That said, let’s talk about the Ponyville Dam.
I will be the first to admit, mistakes were made. While I think the dam is an excellent project and that it will provide great value to Ponyville over the coming decades, I could have communicated its benefits more clearly. The number of angry or possibly armed ponies in this room makes that clear that expectations were set too high. Ponies are disappointed. I see that now, and accept that some of this could have been avoided if I’d acted differently.
For instance, when I ran that article in Stallions Quarterly that hydroelectric power “gets mares totally wet,” I could have clarified that I was referring to the recreational water park built across the reservoir.
A water park that, I would note, gives Ponyville access to much needed entertainment options that will support it as it grows from a small to a mid-size town over the next five years.
I’m sure you all understand that politics is a delicate game. It’s not just about setting good government policy. I love policy. I love talking about policy. Sometimes I think that Equestria would be better if ponies who love policy were given direct control over local governments instead of the tetrarchy being hampered by local government rights. But I digress.
The point is that policy alone doesn’t win referendums. You have to sell your idea to the people. And when building up expectations, sometimes it’s hard to know precisely where to draw that delicate line.
For example, in meeting with business leaders across Ponyville, I was careful to highlight the dam’s economic benefits. I think we can all agree this is a perfectly reasonable thing any pony in my situation would have done. But in hindsight, I could have talked about GDP growth, instead of winking and saying that maybe one particular firm would get a lucrative government contract if they could drive some votes my way.
Though I will emphasize that one particular firm did, after an open and unbiased bidding process. They aren’t based in Ponyville but they did a great job.
I notice that many of you are from the southern half of Ponyville. I understand there were no recording devices present at my meeting with the South Ponyville Homeowners Association, and so I do not recall precisely what I said. But if any of you did interpret my discussion of the dam’s benefits as a promise that it would wash away and destroy your arch-rivals in North Ponyville, I am sorry. I should also inform you that electrical death rays are not real.
Though if they were, the dam could easily power them, as it produces over one hundred megawatts of clean, environmentally sustainable baseline power.
Some ponies have also criticized my choice to use unconventional forms of political advertising. I remind you that the night sky is Luna’s personal demesne, and she can arrange it however she likes. I will also point out that I never said: “Vote for the dam or you’ll be devoured by timberwolves.” Ponyville’s astrologer Star Sign did.
I will be the first to urge him to apologize.
Some of you will not be satisfied by these answers. In the wake of any disappointing event, it is natural for ponies to ask questions. “Can we stop this from happening again?” “Was the dam really a good investment?” “Is Twilight nobility, and thus exempt from imprisonment for fraud?” The answer to all of these questions is yes, particularly since I can shoot lasers.
Still, I hope you will find forgiveness in your hearts. Anger, however justified it may seem, only holds us back and prevents us from seeing the good things all around us.
Like the new salmon migration spillway that ensures the dam doesn’t disrupt the local ecology.
Thank you for your time.
Twilight, you're not thinking big enough. Salmon canons are the way to go.
Please do more of these.
What on earth
I have no idea what I just read, but I love it
You know, the weird thing is, in a world where there is someone who can explicitly modify the night sky, it seems like astrology would be less reputable somehow.
This idea is extremely amusing to me, though.
I like this Twilight
We need more of her.
4873216
Agreed!
4873187
Damn that was hilarious.
I love this Twilight. Can we get more of her, pretty please with sugar on top?
4873199 "You know, the weird thing is, in a world where there is someone who can explicitly modify the night sky, it seems like astrology would be less reputable somehow."
I'm working on a third chapter regarding this point exactly.
4873199
Astrologers are long distance political psychologists, using the stars to devine and predict Luna's mood and will.
Hah! :D
Where did this come from, though?
...Also, funnily enough, an attempt I made at running a pony RPG campaign did indeed involve the Equestrian government building a hydroelectric dam with an adjacent electrically-powered giant magical energy weapon.
4873187
The salmon shall fly forth! TO FREEDOM!
4873216
In the writeoff I did this for, it didn't do terribly well, mostly because the commentators describe this as: "Pretty OOC for Twilight... she's like the bizarro alternate universe version of real Twilight."
Which is fair. But sometimes bizzaro-Twilight is fun!
4873270
An old writeoff event. The prompt was: "Lie Me A River."
"
DeathFriendship Ray."4873199
"What does the night sky say tonight?"
"C-o-v-f-e-f-e"
"What does that mean?"
"I dunno."
"To the astrologer!"
4873199
Have we really seen Luna manipulate the stars, though? I stopped watching 5 seasons in so I may have missed one.
4873315
Oh my god.
4873321
No, we haven't. It isn't canon that she can do so AFAIK, so it is up to you whether or not she can do so.
Darnit, Pinkie Pie!
twistcollective.com/collection/feature_images/win_13/darning_knit_2.jpg
4873284
"An old writeoff event. The prompt was: "Lie Me A River.""
Ah. :D
Thanks. :)
""
DeathFriendship Ray.""Well, as I recall, it was sold as being for monster attacks and things, but I expect it could indeed be used for... "promoting global friendship". :)
... this holds the same tone as my dad when he rolled my truck down a bank into one of the local creeks.
I why can't I favourite blog posts
I know this is meant as a joke but my main thought the while time I read it was "But Ponyville already has a dam as seen in Mysterious Mare-Do-Well."
That said I did find the whole thing mildly amusing and would also like to see more of this version of Primcess Twlight Sparkle.
More of this Twilight should exist, just saying
4873199 Of course. Astrologers are like the writers of O magazine or Goop, using the habits of one famous person to spin out fatuous lifestyle advice for others.
4873315 Since Celestia wants to prevent Luna from going evil again because ponies ignored her night sky, perhaps astrologers are government hype-men.
4873199
Astrology would indeed be more respectable than astronomy, for certain.
4873828
Astronomy: The Study of Luna's Hair
4873330
Though we did see in episode 1 that the stars broke her free of her moon prison, so I like to think that it's the other way around =)
4873409
Ha! Same! They also work on it in the stable timeloop episode (It's About Time; ep46)
"Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other." --Oscar Ameringer