Post-EFNW Personal Feelings · 6:52pm May 22nd, 2018
So I waffled all of yesterday on how to write this. In the end, I decided to just go stream of consciousness and whatever happens, happens. Just like my fiction, honestly. Navel-gazing ahead. With a point. Hopefully.
Everfree Northwest has always been the highlight of my year, for the last seven years, and this year was no exception. To everyone on staff, and everyone who ran the writing track, thanks so much to all of you--I saw you all over the place, and you all ran the show like bosses.
I had the time of my life, except for maybe three panels, and even those weren't total losses because I took good lessons away from them that perhaps I hope to address myself next year? Never say never.
Though also, while I'm still halfway on the subject: all of you who hosted panels, you're heroes for even getting up there. I saw so many supposed "first timers" run panels this year like they were old, mad hatters, whereas I've backed out of doing the one panel I've wanted to do now for 7 years straight. I tend to roll my eyes at people who roll their eyes at Filli Vanilli, because I have repeatedly lived it.
And then there was the bit where, for the first real time in the con's history, the fanfiction community really, really came together and represented themselves in a real, mature form. As in, there were more amazing writers there, more "known" writers there, than any time in this con's history, and tons of fans of those writers, who were also passionate about writing themselves. So many names of readers and writers I either knew or heard of over the years, all meeting in one place. All of those people swelled together, forming their own communal fruit salad.
And over to the side, for the most part, stood myself, just... wondering what to do, really.
It was surreal, at first, to acknowledge just how detatched I felt from the crowd, from the community--and then it became depressing. But then, after that, it became fascinating. I've always felt, and prided myself, on being an introvert. Yet, I never felt more peaceful and even safer than I was at that convention, over all three days, more so than I've ever felt online and mostly by my lonesome (save for a tiny handful of RL friends) over the last five years.
Could I have been wrong abut myself all those years? Could I actually really be better amidst other people, so long as it was a positive, reinforcing environment? I mean, geez, as many times as I've watched Best EQG Movie, you'd think I'd've picked up on stuff like this. 
I sat through almost all three days, watching so many writers being approached by fans, over and over, mainly for their long, sprawling soap operas with conflict and sci-fi and fantasy and big themes, all of which I struggle to grasp the very concept of, much less produce, and I saw others find their niche fans as well, and I saw everyone share their massive love of their canon characters while I tend to love the ones who are more out-of-the-way, and... look, I know it's not about fans but about the work, but it took its toll.
I felt really lonely, and really obsolete.
I mean, I was one of those aforementioned people in 2011, and again in 2013-14, which led to an enjoyable sense of belonging online, but it never actually manifested in meatspace. Being known in the fandom online didn't translate to offline unless you were a big-name artist or something. This year, though, it really felt that things had perhaps moved on to a place where I couldn't follow. As if I were finally a relic, and I'd brought it on myself because I'd isolated myself for so long by choice (I do badly in chatrooms as a rule, always have), and refused for so long to expose myself to the mindset of the writing community at large.
What worked at the beginning of the fandom doesn't work now. There is so much official pony out there that aiming to create more of something that looks like it, at least appears to be, an exercise in redundancy, especially since (BEGIN TANGENT) the more I look around fimfic, the more anger and vitriol I see being leveled towards said official material. It's why I stopped following people years ago. Until I can filter blogs, I can't follow people anymore, because this site is a minefield of Angry Hot Takes (usually for bad reasons) about something I very much enjoy. I left Twitter because of that bullshit. (END TANGENT)
Tangent aside, however: if there's one thing this trip has taught me, it's that I could stand to get over a lot of myself. Not all of myself, but a good amount. The curse to feeling a deep connection to, and aspiring to be, the Best Character On The Show sometimes rears its ugly head.
To be honest, for the past half-decade I've been approaching writing my MLP fics like a certain very conservative Japanese games developer--not looking at what other people are doing, lest I feel compelled to incorporate any good idea I see into my personal mindset (and there area LOT of good ideas on this site, just as many as the bad) because I want to feel like any story I come up with is my own, and purely so. Thus I'm very protective of my ideas, and I haven't read a lot of pony fic during my time here. When I do go read some, if it doesn't line up with how I enjoy my canon or fanon, then I have a very hard time getting into it. Meanwhile I still obsess over upvotes and downvotes, refresh Fimfic hundreds of times a day, (to be fair to myself, I really wish I didn't have to do that, I'd love some way for notifications to be pushed to my phone or something), and compare follower counts. Monochromatic's signature duck is Donald, but mine's always been Darkwing--forever trying to do good while often missing the point that it's its own reward.
My life, in the first two minutes
I wonder how much writing time I'd reclaim if I stopped that nonsense. Probably a full hour a day. I'm not kidding. Writer's jealousy is a thing, writer's ego is a thing, Impostor Syndrome is a thing, and bitterness is a result. I'm very familiar with all four, and... I honestly don't want to be anymore.
It wasn't always this way, mind you. Back when I was first getting into fanfiction, I'd read the best and worst Sonic and Sailor Moon and fighting game fics imaginable, while also writing my own. I'd take ideas I liked from those, mix them with my own ideas, and take lessons from the stuff I thought was bad, hit "puree", and that's how I became an infamous yuri writer for ten years just wrote stuff. It was pretty great. I also mingled with multiple fanfic communities online and everything. It was really fun.
As I type this all out, and I reminisce on how I used to approach fanfiction, I'm starting to see just what mistakes I've been making over at least the last five or so years For starters, there were a lot of writers I could have meaningful conversations with if only I'd read their stuff like I'd meant to for, uh, years. Most of you know who you are.
Let's switch tracks for a bit. I'm leading to a point here, I promise. Maybe.
At this con, I met a whole lot of people who I'd either envied from afar, or whose stories I outright disliked, or who I knew had drama with other people I liked, or who I'd been told by others to be wary of. I am not going to match any names to any circumstances--to be honest, I prefer to be Switzerland. I am too old and lacking in energy to be dragged into horse drama, and I have been fortunate to, for the most part, avoid it thus far or keep what little I've been in out of the public eye at large. But it has resulted in me seeing multiple sides of several fandom conflicts that I've witnessed, even though I haven't taken part in them myself. And it allowed me to see the real, living, breathing people, with feelings and personalities, that were behind those usernames and author handles and follower counts that I'd already formed opinions on, favorable or otherwise.
I learned, through watching them on panels and conversing with them in halls, in rooms and even at meals, that all of us are just human people with our own problems and even ailments, but that we love Sunset Shimmer this show and aspire to the values it preaches with all our heart. I saw people just having so much damned fun over the last three days, even when I sometimes cringed at some things I witnessed* and I couldn't help but get into the spirit as well.
That is the power of face-to-face meetups. I am xennial, with both feet in the pre- and post- technological eras. The generation previous to me has already written off tech past a certain level, or proclaimed it to be the devil--the generation past me can't live without it. I love both--I'm just better at real-life interaction. Which is really sad, given how a fair amount of you saw how I have load times in between my conversational sentences, lol.
Amidst my writerly loneliness, there were oases of happiness. Hugs from Monochromatic and beta. Camaraderie and realization that we live mere miles from each other from Albinocorn. Understanding from Oroboro and Novel-Idea. Unexpected solidarity with Mudpony despite us having a couple of differing opinions about the show. True generosity from Ebon Quill (that amazing Starlight necklace you saw above). There were more. I could go on and on. None of this stuff happens online. None of us can read each other online, despite being forced to do nothing but read each other online.
I hope to see all of you again.
I want to be friends with pretty much all of you.
I have no idea how to do this. No, really, the best personal revelation I had all year was that I actually know very little about interpersonal relationships in general. I know way more than I did in 2010, but I've basically graduated to "drop in the bucket" status.
This is, again, fascinating. I want to do something about this.
I am petrified of trying.
Just before I was about to do my last run at the vendor's hall before leaving the convention, I was approached by someone who I'd never seen before, who asked if I was Bookish Delight. I said yes.
And then he geeked out over a bunch of my stuff, and asked me what else I had coming. I looked at him sort of dumbfounded, because, well, as stated before, this has never happened to me. Even the people who I've made lasting acquaintances with in this fandom, we always just talked about the experience of being a writer, at best, before moving onto other subjects.
And then it dawned on me--this was a fan. After watching other authors have theirs for 72 hours, there was actually one for me, standing in front of me.** And who was a fan of my current stuff. And who naturally we shared similar fictional interests because let's face it, my influences are all over my sleeve. And we just talked for an hour and a half about story and crossover possibilities and I got some really good ideas out of it seriously thank you.
Over the course of three days, I learned: Being a fanworker isn't about the fans. And it's not even entirely about the work.
It's about the connections you make by putting the fanwork out there. I didn't think they were still possible for me, but it looks like they were. Fandom is about connections--but you have to find the ones which are constructive, and which truly count for you.
We're all sharing our love of a thing in our own way, and hopefully finding extra common ground with that love as a starting point.
Shouts and love to, in no particular order, The Albinocorn, stillinbeta, Mudpony, Olden Bronie, redfox335, Monochromatic, Novel-Idea, Oroboro, Heartshine, Czar_Yoshi, Ebon Quill, Xepher, Piquo Pie, Rescue Sunstreak, and Winston.
And last but not least by the longest shot, Scratchpad, who saved my heart and caused me to leave this con on Cloud Nine instead of my original plan of Secretly Dejected.
(Anyone else: if we met and I forgot to mention you, let me know and I'll add you to the list.)
Thanks, everyone, for helping me feel like I still belong here, just the tiniest bit, and for helping me feel like the ponyfic community is perhaps worth giving one more shot.
Tentatively.
I have been bitten before, several times around these parts, including even recently, and am thus a very guarded and defensive person. Moondancer will always be, to an extent, my muse.
But I'm still easily disarmed with smiles and positivity. Hard to find on this site. Easy to find outside.
I think I should go outside more. Figuratively and literally.
Hope you all had a good con, and hope to see you all at the next one.
~B
*no seriously, to the people who ran Saturday's Equestria Girls panel, wolf whistles are never in good taste, especially not ten in as many minutes
**Goji, I'd never forget about you, whenever you and I meet, it will be epic, butI have to take these moments where I can get them. ^^
I’m glad you had a great time with everyone! And yes there is definitely a place for our favorite friendshipping tease!
We only really got to say hello, but it was still great putting a face to a name and meeting a writer that I enjoy reading stories from.
I'll see you next year, and it will be epic.
4866984
Oh yeah, we did! It was awesome seeing you there! Thanks for saying hi.
I feel much the same as far as your (Tangent) goes.
I'm also... slightly too bitter and jealous of a person to ever go to one of these events. To say nothing of the fear experiencing the harassment I do from folks here in person.
4867005
Yeah, I feel you on that one.
It's... scary until it's less scary until it then isn't anymore, if that makes any sense.
God I fucking with I could go to cons. But, between college, and being in the wrong continent, that's likely never going to happen. Oh well.
4867009
That and... Sure it would be an experience and I'd get the chance to yell at authors for making me feel feelings but. I wouldn't really have any point in going. Anyone that recognized me would probably make a point to fuck with me, and to everyone else I'd be another melancholy near-mute stranger.
The more I hear about this con, the more I regret not going. I think I have something to add to next year's calendar.
Glad to hear you had such a wonderful time.
I'm a bit bummed I couldn't make it this year. Next year I will have to rectify this, I feel like I missed out on a fun time.
I’m sorry you wound up feeling unappreciated by the modern fandom, since your stories are always ones I immediately look forward to.
I know exactly what you mean about being lonely and terrified to change that though. Between three years in another country and another few years almost exclusively occupying the dread ‘couple zone’ I have almost no friends and no idea how to make more. I’m trying to force myself to be social, with...mixed results.
/hug
I read stuff like this and it eats me up inside that I couldn't be there, because I would've absolutely stuck with you all weekend given the opportunity.
But hearing that you managed to really connect with some folks makes me happy too.
At least you know why you feel kinda isolated. I never really belonged to an online community, even where I was active, and have no idea what I'd have to do differently
Not everyone on fimfic is as negative as you make it sound. I miss kkat's positive blogposts about episodes though.
As a fellow introvert, and one prone to feeling like an outside observer at times, even when inside, I know the feelings. Doubly so as someone who also isn't going to get approached (hey, that happens when you've never been that popular to begin with and follow that up with not having published in a few years) ;) But at the same time, doing the pony con thing by yourself isn't as fun as doing it with someone else (at least from my perspective). Luckily, while introverts do tend to need their alone time, they're also prone to coming out of their shell when discussing something they love.
And the beauty of it is that the people are open to chatting. It doesn't matter if they have 13x your followers and are horse famous, just a measly 8x, if they are someone just contemplating publishing their first story, an artist, or just someone taking in all the things others make. Everyone there shelled out some cash and devoted an entire weekend (or at least a day) for love of pony. You can find common ground and chat about this, or that, meet someone in line at Taco Bell hailing from North Carolina and invite them to eat with you and discuss their love of the Orca-themed con mascot, talk to a stranger sitting next to you after the panel is over, and overall just have a good time.
Anyway, it was hanging out and chatting, even if we focus on the different parts of the pony-verse. And hopefully, next year we can do it again.
4867029
It's a lot of fun, though I recommend having a con buddy planned ahead of time. Don't have to go to all the same events, of course, but just always having someone to return to, someone to join at a panel when there isn't one that overly interests you, is nice. At least, I think it would be nice
4867149
Thanks for this.
I'll very likely be there next year, yes. :)
4867158
I'm glad you had fun at EFNW.
4867029
Well maybe kicking it with this cat would be worth the trip.
Today was the roughest day I've had in months, and this was just the thing to put a smile back on my face. Thank you.
Meeting your fans really is surreal, is it not? Next you'll be signing autographs, and I can promise you that's really surreal. You'll meet at least one fan at BronyCon... though I must confess I'm more a fan of your non-fiction.
So, I really do hope you can make it.
This one's for you. : )
Still haven't even gone to a convention yet. I'll get there eventually, I hope. I want to experience that coming together for myself.
Funny, I looked all over the Con and didn't see you at all. Were you hiding from someone?
4867804
EVERYONE. XD
Nah, you're not the first person who was looking for me and vice versa and we just missed each other. (Adgerelli and I are still crying. ^_^ Best way to make a meet happen if you're unsure is to just PM me so the email hits my phone :)
Yeah, well, the nice thing about being a Darkwing is that even if you're not necessarily recognized in your own time, eventually people come to recognize you were basically The Best, to the point where you get an awesome Love Letter cold-opening reference on somebody else's show. Which is really just a roundabout way of saying, if Darkwing IS your kindred spirit, I'd say you're in good company.
As to the rest of this, it's as ever exceptionally enlightening to gain your particular perspective on these things. I know how much fun EFNW has been for you in the past, and while I am sorry the enjoyment wasn't apparently as unalloyed this time, I do appreciate the clear amount of thought you've put into all of the feelings you DID experience during it, especially since it sounds like you did still manage to have a good time overall. As someone who has himself had to do a lot of thinking over the last few years about this whole Fandom thing, not just "Pony" but indeed just in general, I think we've both come to similar conclusions: whatever problems Fandom as a whole may have, and they are many, the space it creates for special individual connections is so special, and those connections are the real ultimate take-away from the experience*. Goodness knows, getting to know you has been far and away one of THE best things to come out of my entire time enjoying "Friendship is Magic", so it's a lesson I definitely work to keep taking to heart with renewed strength each and every time I start to lose sight of it.**
*alongside, hopefully, having fruitful, meaningful conversations about the merits of the works around which the fandom is built, though given how often the larger trends of such things go in Fandom, that too is a part of the individual connections, t'my mind. x3
** Y'know, speaking of that One Day meeting, I actually did have a thought. Is THIS of any interest t'you?
Well, at least I can read your stories again without being utterly terrified of being run through with a broadsword by a missing sad tag!
4868022
Sure, for now.
4868001
And that is totally of interest to me! What are you scheming?
4868056
i.giphy.com/media/OegPjZcQS3tlK/giphy.webp
It's going to take a bit of schedule evaluation, and some talking it over with me mum, but now that I know you'd be down to do the Marvel Exhibit, I was thinking perhaps a visit there would be a good way for us to anchor an IRL get-together, since I do believe it's in the area for you, yes? Ish, at least? XD;
4868157
Take it to PMs when you're ready. :)
The way I learned how to interact with other people was by doing it. I was really terrible at public speaking back in middle school, so I ended up doing a bunch of public speaking as practice, and even joined Toastmasters for a bit. Just... did a lot of public speaking.
Turns out, it isn't nearly as terrifying as it seems.
And really, the scariest part about meeting people is meeting them. If you walk up to them, smile, shake their hand, and start talking, it mostly works itself out.
Sorry I didn't get to talk to you more at the con, but you have always seemed like a pretty cool dude.
Also, I think I might have run into your fan at some point, as I seem to remember someone looking for you, and a few people mentioned you.
I am too elusive, mwahaha! I have succeeded in being invisible in another blog post.
VICTORY IS MINE
4873125
not sure if reverse psychology
aaaaaaaaaaa
4873132
That's part of my magic! Come to the BronyCon... You know you want to now....