Princess Celestia: The Changeling Queen Rewrites · 1:33am Jan 15th, 2015
Recently, my good friend and author extraordinaire Cerulean Voice took the time to review the entirety of Princess Celestia: The Changeling Queen and give me some feedback.
Here is the link for the review , but I'll also explain what I got from it here.
Good news, Cerulean gave me an excellent score for plot and characterization. He loved the story itself. Don't have to worry about that.
Problem... well apparently my technical and stylistic choices are so bad he gave me a 5.5/10 for his review.
Why? Well... these are the most annoying errors.
•Lavender Unicorn Syndrome
•saidisms
•telly language telling me things I can easily work out for myself, giving me insights to a character’s thoughts I really should not have, or making the same point it already has before multiple times
I do think his review was fair, if brutally so, and hence, I'm going to be rewriting sections of Princess Celestia: The Changeling Queen in my spare time or when I am writers blocked. It also means that there will be a change in the style I tell the story.
Admittedly, I know a lot of you are more used to the telly style I tell my story in. There will be still telly stuff in there, but hopefully less repetitiveness to it all.
There is some good news in this change of writing style though. It's far more succint, which means I don't have to write so many words, which probably would mean...
Faster updates. 
. And given I got about a quarter of chapter 22 done already and the rest of the next chapters planned out. I actually foresee a finish to the story perhaps middle of this year. Cross my fingers and wish me luck!
Signing off,
vren55
P.S. Feel free to discuss with Cerulean as to why he gave me such a review, but don't wail on him. He was fair, he slogged through 100,000 words in a week. He deserves a high five.
To be honest, I'm not a reviewer, but I was able to overlook those flaws while reading the story myself. The things that take me right out are typos or the wrong words being used.
It's good that you're taking the criticism to heart and trying to improve though. There are authors out there that think any criticism is 'just people hating on my art' after all.
If that's how you to move forward, then i shall be so. Nothing wrong with taking feedback and improving technique as well. I am still curious how things will move forward here.
hi hi
Some people say that saidisms are evil, and yet when I read through my favorite books, there they are. I wonder if perhaps some people really do go through life without paying attention to the nuances in people's body language and tone.
2723471
Saidisms themselves are not evil. All things are fine in moderation. Some are just redundant, though. Asked after a question mark. Exclaimed after an exclamation point. There are many other ways to get the meaning across.
This avoids says, shouts, exclaims, and any number of synonyms while getting the same point across. Variety is the spice of life.
Brutal and honest reviews improve the final product. I just did a search on ' of ' in one of my stories based on a tip. Apparantly I'm French.
2723526
How is using "said," after saying something not also redundant? Shouldn't it be obvious that something was said if there is dialogue? I mean, it can certainly get silly if it starts looking like an author is going through a thesaurus from top to bottom, but the common advice seems to be to never ever use them on pain of death. Using active descriptions like Applejack's voice is generally a good way to go, no doubt, but even that can be overused to the point where a dialogue starts seeming more like a ballet than people having a conversation. It is also nice when you don't need dialogue tags at all, but sometimes it is also nice to have average, ordinary characters that don't sound like their every word has been meticulously crafted by a team of writing majors in advance to perfectly convey all necessary meaning.
You're certainly not going to get any arguments from me about variety being the spice of life though.
2723591 The point of said not being redundant is that the word has the purpose in literature of denoting a speaker to form a complete <noun> <verb> sentence. It also makes written works meant to be enjoyed as literature look less like a script.
Saidisms have their place and thyme to spice up a few things, just like puns.
Yay
!! Another chapter coming soon! This makes me happy. 
Thank you for all of the effort you have put into this story.
~ Estrella Scrolls
*Looks up from his own rewrites*
Not... necessarily...
*dies*
Can't say I think much of the review. So much of what's picked at are stylistic choices that are portrayed negatively instead of just pointing out that they're in use and not everyone will like them. And it is nitpicking.
There are some legitimate grammatical notations in there but a review of a story is hardly the place for them. That's an editor's job, not a reviewers.
Also does not seem to take the unfinished nature of the story into account as much as should be.
Also numerical scoring. Hurrrrrrrr.
prettyjunkreviewprocess/10
Still if it's inspired you to put some more time and care into the mutinae of your work, I'd call it a net positive.
2723632
Not trying to be a jerk or anything, but shout and asked also form complete <noun> <verb> sentences in the English language.
2724017 You're going to have to step it up a notch if you want me to even think you're attempting to be rude. You're also right about them forming the same kind of minimalist complete sentence.
The biggest thing is to avoid monotonous repetition in your writing. If every question is followed by asked, every exclamation with shouted, etcetera, it will get boring.
Hell, the only saidism I would say to unquestionably avoid is 'ejaculate' and its tenses. The reasons should be obvious.
2724028
Unless the author is trying to make the reader stop, scratch their head, and ask themselves "Double you tee eff," I'm with you on that one in particular.
I suppose I see said-isms, including sometimes said itself, kind of like I see swear words. The grownups tell kids not to use them, but they still can emphasize a point now and again. If every other word is a swear word though, most people aren't going to take you very seriously. Having it on all the time muddles up any emphases someone might have been trying for.
At the risk of taking the analogy too far, I'd also say that sometimes specific audiences have different ideas of what counts as normal. Some places have different ideas about which words shouldn't be used than others, and in some sub-cultures, swearing every other word wouldn't make anyone blink an eye or even register it.
That's not to say that it isn't possible to clean up a story by editing out as much extraneous stuff as possible. While there might be exceptions, I would say that there is always room for improvement in writing, art, and music in a lot of different ways. There's also usually lots of room to make things worse in revisions. ((I'm looking at you George Lucas.
))
2723471
"Saidisms" refers to words other than the basic "asked" and "said" as dialogue tags, So, instead of:
"Boy howdy!" Applejack whooped. <---saidism
I could use:
"Boy howdy!" Applejack said. <--not a saidism
Of course, it's okay to use these words (whooped, whispered, shouted, exclaimed, etc.) sparingly. It's also okay to drop the dialogue tags altogether and have them be inferred in context:
Applejack wiped her brow. "Boy howdy!"
Everything in moderation, of course, including moderation.
Vren, this is great that you're taking this advice and working to improve the story. If it helps, as your editor for Of Swords and Hearts, it's apparent to me that your writing has improved greatly, so you should be proud of yourself for that.
It is always great to see an author go back and give a great story (premise) a nice polishing. Don't fall down the editing hole though and lose sight of forward progress. I've seen to many people fail to scale the heights of their existing work and cease the story entirely.
2724200
Right, but you do get some people who say that they are never permissible in proper writing.
I say: write for your audience. If your audience is a publisher in Contemporary New York, write something in formal proscriptive English. If your audience is, by chance, the common people in 17th century London, you should probably loosen up a bit.
2724214
Of course. My philosophy on it is don't use any technique too much that it becomes annoyingly obvious.
Doing a rewrite and thinking it will mean faster updates? Ha! Ha, I say! I wouldn't count on it... I thought the same thing when I started my rewrite. It did not work out as intended....
Cerulean has a thing against 'Said-isms' and purple unicorn syndrome. He keeps bashing me over the head about them when he does the occasional editing on my work. ^^;; A said-ism isn't always a bad thing, though. Repetition is the far greater sin, I have found.
2724256
2724201
2724209
To be exact, i'm only editing it in my spare time, or when I'm writer's blocked. Most of the time I'll be writing new chapters, which due to less word count thanks to suggestions, will be faster to write :P.
In fact, it was thanks to Cerulean's suggestion to imply more and describe less that I breezed past an area where I was writers blocked for a moment... so XD It looks better.
2724256
Well, whichever method you employ, best of luck. I've really enjoyed PC:tCQ.
Edit: aaaaaand, I clicked on the wrong reply icon... >.< Oh well, your blog, so you'll get the message regardless. XD
My honest advise...
Take the knowledge to heart and make your new chapters to a higher standard, but move forward! The worst thing you can do is stall out. I'm gonna tell you the 100%, AJ grade, honest to goodness truth... It is highly unlikely that I will ever read your rewrites. Probably never.
The first revision was more than enough to sell me on the story, and I've stuck with it all this time. All I want are new chapters.
Never forget that! I liked your story, flaws and all! And I have a hard time believing putting more on your plate will speed things up. Focus on your real goals!
The time for rewrites is when you put the last period at the end of the epilogue, and you can then compare your writing skills between before and then. YOU, the writer, are invariably, your own worst critic. Go watch Equestria Games again for the lesson on that one. Spike knows all 'bout that shit!
You are not doing yourself a favor by getting yourself stuck, spinning your tires in the same place. Trust me... PLEASE move forward. This is also a sure fire way to generate a burnout. Remember how I said I won't read this a second time if you rewrite it? It's because I already read it once before. I simply do not have time for rereads. Too much on my plate. I only read when new chapters post. What that translates into is fewer views, cause I won't be the only one. Fewer views means the fic drops down the hot list, you don't get the recognition for your revisionary efforts, and like I said, you get stuck in a feedback loop where you become convinced you need to work even harder to improve it, when all people wanted was just more NEW chapters, not more old chapters...
Many people will blindly play the role of yes men, and tell you to do whatever you think is best, that's so wonderful, you're improving your work... But no, you aren't. There is a reason why people send COMPLETED manuscripts to their editors in the publishing world. You fix your mistakes after you are done, or you will never get done!
I'm telling you this will do nothing but drag you down, and I'm begging you to get out of the mud before you get stuck. I have been reading MLP fanfics since 2011... And I can't stress enough, HOW MANY TIMES I've seen exactly this scenario happen.
Just, please, move forward. Don't waste time on revisions until you are done.
2724312 Already mentioned all this to him. However you missed what he said in the comments.
2724269 Sounds good, though I must say you need to shoot for an ending far earlier than in the middle of the year. Seriously, taking that long will be drawing it out rather viciously.
2724028
2724092
The main thing about saidisms is that if people notice that you're using a lot of them, you did something wrong. Saidisms aren't bad; the problem is that they serve a purpose, and overusing them both makes your story look ridiculous, draws too much attention to your dialogue tags, and diminishes your use of saidisms when you DO need to use them. Said and asked are nearly invisible; replied is mostly okay as well, but it, too, can be overused. Shouted, spat, hissed, exclaimed, explained, ect. are all powerful words when used properly, but also draw attention to themselves, which means that if you overuse them, you're drawing attention away from your actual dialogue.
Saidisms, like most good exposition, are invisible when they're used properly; you really only notice them when they're misused. Using lots of saidisms in close succession is bad; I'd avoid using more than 2 in consecutive paragraphs, generally speaking, unless it is very important to use them. Other ways of tagging dialogue work just as well, if not better, and it helps keep the tags fresh.
Heck, it is possible to use too many dialogue tags; I frequently omit them altogether if it is clear who is speaking, especially if dialogue is meant to go back and forth between multiple characters in rapid succession, as it actually makes the dialogue feel like it is coming faster.
Many good writers have as high as a 1:1 ratio of said to saidisms in their texts, but the key is that they don't tag most dialogue with said or a saidism.
2724357 I agree with this message 100%.
Dialogue tags are even easier to omit if one or more characters speaking have distinct accents or speech patterns.
"This is going to be super-duper wonderful splendoriffic!"
"Two of me is going to be totally awesome!"
"Ah always wondered what it'd be like t' have a twin sister."
"Oh I do hope I'm bringing enough accessories. Will my dress change when I go through? What if I end up looking hideous on the other side?! Pinkie! Are my lashes on straight?!"
You get the idea.
2724357
If the bullet point list of criticisms had been something like, "Noticeable overuse of saidisms," instead of simply, "saidisms," I probably wouldn't have said anything. I have come across people who would argue that 100% of them must be excised from a story in order for it to be any good, but sometimes when you've got prose elsewhere on the page that is backing it up, you don't need a sentence long dissertation on a character's vocal qualities in order to get the point across.
2724341 I disagree, having him rush it would be far worse
2724312 Oh don't worry. I'll definitely be focusing on writing the new chapters first. :D