My second, less interesting post of the day. · 8:41pm Jul 9th, 2013
So, I wrote a troll fic for that BronyCon thing I mentioned, and I'd love some opinions about if it's appropriately horrible enough. My method was to write the most pointless, OOC thing I could in a faux medieval style (except when I didn't feel like it.) I was also holding a cigarette while typing, and not using spellcheck to counter my dyslexia or correct typos, to give it that "I'm obviously illiterate" feel that lets you know it's a bad fic. The goal is that one should not be able to read it aloud without laughing.
So have some CheeriMac. Really, really bad CheeriMac.
Within the Acres of Sweed Apples there lived a mighty stallion, and a large and muscled stallion was he. For this story of a stallion or largeness and muscles refers to a pony of great might. A pony maned Big Macintosh.
Upon a sunnish morning on the acres of Sweet Apples, this stallion, Big Macintosh of the largeness and muscles, was pulling a plo, thought fields of soil the deep brown colors of dark chocolate. The plow pluued easily, because Big macintosh was a strong stallion, and the strength with which he pulled easily moved it.
When there cane a scream:
AAAHHHH!
The scream came with a sound as if a pony was tarpped by a large objects, but not as large a Big macintoshs muscles. Big Macinsish knew that if there was a pony to be saved, his muscles must same them, and he would have to be there.
So he wnet there fast, galloping with a swiftness of speed like a fast movine river down a steep mountian of rocks where it picked up speed until it was moving with altricity. And thus is Macintosh go, with that speed, to where the pony has screamed.
Upon arriving at a place where a pony was trapped, he could see this pony, beneath a piel of rocks was Cheerilee. He loved cherriell with the love of a big heart, because a heart is a muscle and all of Big macintosh muscles was large. So when he saw the po ny her came to save, he knew he had to work quickly to rescue her and aid in her escape.
“I came to rescue you.” Macintoshe said with a deep voice like a rubble of thunder on a summer day when there’s a storm. “I was plowing a feld with I heard a scream and I thought you might need my muscles to save you, so I came. I’ll save you now.”
“Good.” Chreerilee answers happyly because even if she was under a gargantuan pile of rocks she was happy to have a stallion with many muscles come to save her from being trapped beneth it forever.
He, Big Macintsoh, put his large hooves against one of the rocks, a big one that was somehere near the middle of the pile, and pushed as his muscles pushed agaist his skin.
The orcks left when they exploded violently away because that was how strong big Macintosh was with his muscles psuhing them.
“I’m saved. Thak you, Big Macintosh.” Cheeriles aid.
“You’re welcome.” Big Macintosh said. “I love you.”
“Oh, well I love you, that way, also I think we should be Special somepoies.” Cheerilee said. Cherilee smiled with happiness and was in love with Big Macintosh and because he saved her and she liked his muscles that got rocks off of her.
“I don’t know.” Big Macintosh said. He really did want to be her special somepony, but for some reason he said he didn’t. It was like something inside him couldn’t decide even though he would decide he wanted to love Cheerilee. So he said that he didn’t know.
Then more rocks tumbled down pon Chrreilee, with a loud crash like a bunch of drums falling down a big flight of stairs, if drums were wrocks. She screamed and felt a ache in her heart because she didn’t know if Macintosh was her special somepony, and also how she’d get out from under these rocks.
“I wish I’d said I’d be her special somepony.” Big Macintosh said in his head so Cheerilee couldn’t hear. But his muscles heard his deep voice that didn’t say anything, and they got to pushing the rocks again, because if Big Macintosh wanted to be cheerilee’s special somepony he was going to rescue for her from all the rocks that fell on her.
When Cherrilee was free again, she smiled and Macintosh said “I rescues you becUSE i want you to be my special somplony.”
“Good.” Cheerilee said.
Cherrilee kissed Macintosh, and Macintosh kissed Cheerilee and they pressed together like tow boards that were nailed togehter with no space between them because they nailed them really good.
They stopped kissing.
“LI like your muscles, and your deep voice.” Cheerilee said.
“Good.” Macintosh said. And he was glad because Cheerilee loved him and loved his muscles which he had a lot of. That meant she loved him a lot. “I like your pretty face and the eye of color you have.”
“Good.” Cheerilee said. She had eyes of a color all the time, so she knew he would love her forever.
They loved each other because big macintosh moved rocks and saved her, and there was love in that that was deeper than a hole in the ground that lead to the core of the earth which is the deepest thing and they loved deeper then that.
They got married, and it was beauitufl becase it was a lovely day on the spring with the apples on the trees of the acres of Sewwt Apples where the sun shone with a glow like a giant candle that was bring enough to make it daytime. Other ponies where there, such as: Applejack, Applebloom, Grannysmith, and Applejacks friends and Apple Blooms friends and other ponies from town. There were many ponies on that brightly day, and Cheriinglee and Macintosh got married then. All the ponies were so happy because they could see the love that Big Macintsh and Cheeriell had and showed in their eye.
The goodness of the day was increased when no rocks fell on Cheerilee and Big Macintosh could not use his massive muscles for saving her, but for marrining her. This made the day better then any day before when they weren’t married yet and sometimes rocks fell, because they liked getting marries and they got to get married to each other, which was good.
At the end of the day they were married and liked together forever.
I tried reading it out loud.
I got to "muscles" (where it's spelled correctly) before I couldn't suppress a giggle.
Now I really want to hear a real reading of this...
So bad it's good
In all seriousness, I lost at paragraph 2
10/10, would ironically ship together.
1199374
You mean submit a story? Sure! He's going to pick the best/worst of whatever he gets.
That... is a thing of beauty. It reads like a Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff comic and it's absolutely perfect for a troll fic. My favorite line? "She had eyes of a color all the time, so she knew he would love her forever." Keep on truckin' mate.
I cracked up.
Especially right there.
I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.
So, job well done.
This is pretty awesome, yes.
I think my favorite two lines have to be:
Well done, I say!
Ok, I read it out loud. Here's the parts where I cracked up.
:spitake:
This. This was beautiful.
I must weep, because I know I'll never have a relationship as eloquent, as passionate, or as musclebound as Big Mac and Cheerilee enjoy! I mean -
How can anyone hope to mimic that chemistry?
But seriously:
In other news, you seem to avoid the pesky changeling "teh" that always tries to take the place of my "the"s if I don't edit.
But.... but trollfics aren't funny.
I sincerely hope you only wrote this as an example of something terrible, because that's all it is.
There is no such thing as "so bad it's funny", there is only "bad" and "funny". They are two different, totally separate things, and the latter requires at least some semblance of actual skill.
Now that that's out of the way. Yes, this is plenty horrible enough. I did not laugh, because it's not funny, but it certainly fits the bill of a trollfic. Reading this, I would never imagine that anyone older than seven had written it.
So if you really are just using it to illustrate how bad trollfics are, then good job. It will work nicely.
Yep, I lost it. No one is gonna get through this without laughing.
1199404
Have you tried reading it out loud, trying to pronounce the words as they're written? I don't know if that works if you don't think they're funny to begin with.
I got as far as 'Then more rocks tumbled down pon Chrreilee,' before a tinny little chuckle got through. Realizing I had failed, I then proceeded to laugh my head off.
If you get a good, overly-dramatic reader on this, the audience will be roaring. Make sure you tell whoever is making the rules for this that readers have to pronounce misspelled words phonetically, too.
1199404
I don't know... I think I and several other people would disagree with your assessment. This is definitely so bad it's funny. It's funny because it's intentionally bad. It's a reason I can laugh at movies like D-Wars Dragon Wars and Event Horizon. They're both objectively terrible movies, but they're so bad, they're funny.
The pain, the pain, it is so bad.
Could you give me the time and date when this is read? I won't be on the same continent, mind you, but I'd rather be prepared anyway.
Cheerieyes x MuscleMac OTP!
I lost it at Mac's big muscly heart.
At the heart muscles thing...I legit did a spit take. Not gonna lie.
I fell out of my chair at that. Too much!
1199412
Yeah, I did try that. Sorry if I came across as rude, by the way.
I can see that people do find this kind of stuff funny. As a fan of a little girls' show, I have no right to disparage people based on their preferences.
I guess it's just not my style of humour.
Looks like Cheerilee has some bad luck with rocks.
Pffff, its brilliant! I cracked up hard. I wish I was going to the con; I'd definitely enjoy hearing it read seriously. Bad writing and vacant characters aside, I think my favorite parts are the absurd analogies.
I'm only reading it in my head without an audience, and I have already failed the no laughing challenge... I am easily amused
I'd say this was plenty bad, but in my opinion it'd work better if you forwent the spelling mistakes in favour of mixing up some more obvious words and using silly sentences. For example, I'd change this...
But leave all of this as it is (save for the 'marrying/married' bits)...
Frequent spelling mistakes just make it hard to read - the funny parts are the awkward sentences (Big Macinsish knew that if there was a pony to be saved, his muscles must same them) and dodgy descriptors (deep brown colors of dark chocolate).
Also the occasional typo to throw the reader off (*snicker* Acres of Sweed Apples...)
That's all I got
~
Sounds like a fun event. I hope someone does a dramatic reading of this so we can see how well it works.
TLDR: So bad it's funny! Good job
Great story
word word i had them then your story took them away
Okay, I'm just gonna stop reading for a moment to say that was genius.
1199572
I took your advice, and cleaned it up a tiny bit, especially places where the misspellings wouldn't affect the reading (like "screemed" for instance) or where they stepped on the toes of beautifully bad prose. I tried to leave ones it would be fun to hear people try to read.
(If anyone thinks I went too far, I still have the original version on gdocs.)
This is now my second most epically awful entry.
INCLUDED!
1199374
DO IT FILLY
The only rules are, no sex or gore beyond PG-13, and it's gotta be really brutal to read. ('accurately': god mode means pronouncing stuff AS WRITTEN and expert Argoners should enunciate it all as clearly as possible)
It requires very skilled writers to wreck the train THAT badly, with those constraints. It's like a sort of horrible poetry. I'm not sure I can write this stuff (being a key judge I am disqualified) but I am a god mode reader and can really ham it up and pronounce the unpronouncables...
You know what?
Given that my entry kind of sucks at this, I'm going to bring another of my talents to bear.
Bookplayer! Pick yourself a story you want a dramatic reading on, 'cause I'm reading CheeriMac for YouTube, and I want you to get something actually worthwhile out of this as well, so you're my next reading target.
Obviously I have to follow you now.
1200217
Yay! I can't wait to hear the folks at BronyCon tackle it.
1200259
Oooh... I'd love to hear Daring Do and a Place Called Home, if it's not too long or mushy for you. I think Zecora's dialogue would be fun to hear read out loud.
Of course, it will never stand up next to this... this.
1199416
Derpmind, you understand perfectly. Doing Hoof Of Argon really well means declaiming the whole thing as if it was classic literature that you have to read EXACTLY RIGHT (which is the trick for dealing with people who can read this stuff off for pages and pages without stumbling).
So yeah, the derps need to be read and enunciated, right down to punctuation.
That's why it's so tricky to write this stuff: it can't just be unreadable garbage, it has to be treacherous as hell and lie in wait with stuff like,
I could easily see pronouncing 'al-tric-ity' perfectly (love the 'alacrity' mangling!), and then losing it completely when asked to state "And thus is Macintosh go" in all seriousness. Sometimes it's not the mangled stuff that gets people, it's the 'wait, what?'
1200323 Oh, 6000 words? No problem.
I was worried you were going to ask for Best Young Flyer.
I need to get myself somewhere quiet and isolated where I can record easily, so I don't know how quickly I'll get these done, but based on my previous tries at this, I'm pretty sure "Daring Do and a Place Called Home" shouldn't be more than a day's work.
This should be considerably shorter, as long as I can keep a fairly straight tone through it. I suspect I'll leave that audio file largely unedited / unspliced, though, since the horribleness is the whole point.
I'm pretty sure editing just the grammar and spelling is a nightmare alone. So what's worse: the grammar/spelling or the story? Perhaps the fact that the grammar/spelling is bad is the only thing that makes this story good.
...
I rambled too much.
I thought I would read this aloud to my cat to see if I could be part of the reading at BronyCon without laughing.
I made it to "or largeness".
Also, I'm sending you the bill for my cat's therapy.
1200327
I'm replying so that Jinx will also see this, but is Hoof Of Argon going to be recorded/put on YouTube or something?
1202061
That is a good question. I certainly have no objection, and we've got a very aggressive and hardcore brony media service that has exclusively booked Bronycon, presumably to cover everything.
When I get a good answer I'll let you know
I think you're suffering from a--usually good--healthy knowledge of grammar and punctuation. This looks as though you simply tried to "forget" a letter or two here and there. It's quite readable.
As a long-time lover of "Eye of Argon" readings - though rarely with more than a couple of paragraphs' success, as I am Pinkie-ish in my delight at humor
- I read the preamble to this "story" with a huge grin.
Then I started reading it, and didn't get past the first sentence before I snorted
WELL DONE! It's fun, feels very much like Eye of Argon without actually sounding like it, and is exactly the right kind of horrible!
Light and laughter,
SongCoyote
I had a go at reading this, trying to sound like I was narrating an episode of Half Life: Full Life Consequences. While I read it okay, I ended up bursting into laughter.
Sorry I'm late to this little party, but I've been trying to figure out what story it was they had us read during Hoof of Argon and was unable to find this until just now. That story made for one of the funniest moments (half-an-hour-long moments) of the entire con. It hurt to read, it hurt to listen to, and it was hilarious. Thank you for making it! Made it through a paragraph and a half, mostly thanks to hearing others get through bits and pieces first, before mispronouncing a few words really badly and getting hit with a hammer. Fine work, good sir!