Reflections · 7:09pm Dec 20th, 2023
Not everyone is going to be happy with "who I am". Not everyone will agree with the way "I live" for whatever reason. Despite the fact I've never broken the law in my country or purposely offended anyone in my life. But I guess I might as well update those who are still here on the current dilemmas I have come to face.
Before I came to the conclusion I was potentially transgender (male to female), I was hit in the face with the realisation that I was gay. It was a long time since this went through my mind, especially after the three times I had dated girls in the past, only to have found out they cheated on me on all occasions. I'm not butt-hurt about their behaviour still, but it's still a part of my story - my coming out story. Fantasies involving men, particularly those who were older than me, started at around the age of 18; that was the age when I knew I was gay.
It was a really hard time. I had fallen out with so many women of my age and just felt I couldn't even have a platonic relationship with them. Not only the cheating, but the verbal and physical abuse I encountered, including threats. Many of these scenarios didn't even get my college to take any action, saying there was "no evidence" to back up my claim. I felt alone and lost. My family were strongly against homosexual relationships and even transgender people. I had no one to turn to, other than those on the internet.
Despite it not going anywhere, I'm thankful for the first online relationship I ever had, which was with another male. It was nice to just talk with a guy who I could relate to and it made me feel like I actually suited a more feminine personality rather than a masculine one. This led me to think I was transgender.
Now I was not only questioning the fact I liked men, but also my gender identity.
I had to leave social groups, simply because of the opposition I faced for my sexual and gender identity. It was awful. I grew up in a Christian household and with other Christians, and then suddenly the people who I socialised with wanted nothing to do with me anymore, because of who I was, and because of their strong negative glance towards people like me. No other Christian wanted anything to do with me, besides one or two who were willing to listen - including those on FiMfiction. I have become less involved in the church since discussing with other Christians about being gay, and potentially trans at the time, and I have left every single Christian FiMfiction group here. Why? Because it feels like an obsession to debate about and I eventually just got tired of hearing the same arguments every time. Opening my mouth to defend my homosexuality and feminity led to harsh comparisons to much more disgusting things. I've even received death threats and being called a "groomer", when I've never had any kind of interest whatsoever in under-18s. My romantic and sexual attractions have ALWAYS been towards older men, and occasionally transgender women.
I had one date with someone, which went really well. But I am scared to go out with someone and go to a restaurant, or come over to their place. I could never bring them to my home. I have an apartment, but only until this summer then I'm out. Living at home is not easy, I can never wear make up or dress up in clothing that suits my identity and I can't go out with a guy that easily. Almost everything I do is heavily monitored by family, despite being 23 years old.
Nowadays, I prefer to be referred to as she/her 90% of the time. Unfortunately, I am unable to go and meet a doctor regarding gender identity. I have been poly for a while, with lovely partners, but three are overseas and I'm struggling to have an in-person date locally to me. I hope one day I can transition and be the girl who I always was meant to be. But being stuck as a gay male is okay for now. I just don't know if it's the life I should live forever though.
Thanks anyway for reading.
*hugs closely*
I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this. But we're happy to still have you, and we've always supported you to be the woman you want to be, myself included. I know it's hard now. But I believe one day you'll be free to be the woman you were meant to be, and become your own person. I know you will.
hug
I promise you, man. This will not end well. Not because we'll all come after you with hate in our hearts, but because the path you're treading is one of heartache and inevitable failure. I do NOT want you to become one of the 52% who off themselves, or one of the 48% who live with pain and chronic heartache.
You're a son of God, and nothing you can do can change that. Transgenderism is an expertly-woven lie of Satan designed to rob you of your identity and your purpose. I want to help you any way I can, but entertaining a delusion is something I can't accept.
You said you were trying to get in touch with your feminine side. What is feminine? What is a woman? I invite you to reflect on what you're doing and ask yourself if this is the path that will truly make you happy. Remember the Prodigal Son.
I don’t know if you still believe in God after your horrible experience with so-called “Christians” who have clearly forgotten what that word means, but I’ll just say that if you identify as a woman then I believe that God created you with the spirit of a woman, and He did so on purpose.
If being a woman is who you truly wish to be, the life that you should live to be honest with yourself, then that is the life you should live. Without shame. Without fear. Because that is worth far more than anyone who would project their own fears and biases on you.
I am sorry for where you are no, but know that you are not alone. You have a community here, where you are loved by other people and by God, where you are accepted. I hope that you can find the path you need to live your best life.
As a Christian, I want you to know that it doesn't matter if you're gay, straight, trans, etc. I will always accept who you are and understand your choices 🫂.
I sincerely hope that one day you’ll achieve that happiness that you want. It will most likely come after a lot more trials that you’ll personally have to face but know you have my support on your success. One step at a time, friend.
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Jesus FUCKING Christ, my man. I literally created an account for this. Someone says that they're going through some stuff and that their family is terrible, and your first reaction is to belittle them and straight-up lie about the facts? Very, very little trans people actually commit suicide after going through gender-affirming care; Because they're HAPPIER than they were. Most suicide and heartbreak comes from being forced to stop transitioning, you fucking asshole. And not to mention that transitioning has been *proven by scientists* to actually HELP you and let you explore yourself more! There are MANY articles about this!
https://whatweknow.inequality.cornell.edu/topics/lgbt-equality/what-does-the-scholarly-research-say-about-the-well-being-of-transgender-people/
https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2022/01/mental-health-hormone-treatment-transgender-people.html?microsite=news&tab=news
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7494544/
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My own path of faith has gotten similarly rocky in recent years, though more for ethical/social reasons than anything that's affected me personally, but I absolutely sympathize on that front.
I know we haven't talked all that much in a while, but I hope you can take some solace in knowing that I and clearly a good few other people around here are here for you to lean on if you need it. And keep your chin up; you'll get there one day. And you needn't get there alone.
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Oh really? Considering the stuff going on and the mindsets and justifications being expressed in your latest work, I really couldn't tell.
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I don't hate trans people for just existing. Why would I hate anyone solely for having a mental illness? The best way to love someone with this very serious problem is to stop them from doing more permanent harm to themselves.
Besides, there's no such thing as a trans person, since you can't change biology no matter how much you try.
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"I dOn'T hAtE tRaNs PeOpLe"
Uh-huh. Sure. Fucking asshole.
So! ONE! Trans people do fucking exist, and they're people just like you or I. Biology is COMPLETELY FUCKING IRRELEVANT.
TWO! Not only do you have a hate-boner the size of Texas for trans people, you see wanting to be yourself as a mental illness? Jesus fucking Christ, dude. It's nowhere near that! Being trans isn't a mental illness, that's what it was THOUGHT to be years ago. That idea has since been dunked on and countered by literally every trans person and scientists who study being trans.
And THREE! It's not fucking irreversible, the process takes years, and that's not even with surgery, which needs like 20 hours of paperwork.
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I understand your anger, but you’re wasting your time. He’s not going to listen to you no matter what.
And besides, this is a post about a woman who’s going through a lot and needs help and support and love, not people screaming at each other.
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He's being fucking antisemitic towards me in DMs, I think I can shout at him a little bit.
Though yes, Mystery- If you're reading this, best of luck to ya!
5759922
Ah good. In that case, Satan isn't real, and anyone who says otherwise is delusional. Now you can accept it.
Sorry to hear what you're going through, it sounds super rough.
Hoping things work out for you!
*sends hugs*
I'm sorry to hear about what you've gone through. I hope everything works out. Just know you have people here willing to support you.
I know we haven't talked much, but I do consider you a friend, and know that I'll have your back no matter what, and if people try and bully you? They'll have me to deal with....
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Thank you for the support, everyone. And thank you for being there for me and enjoying my creativity on here. I knew this would cause some heated debate in the comments, which everyone's opinions and perspectives are welcome, just as long as it doesn't lead to villainizing each other.
5759922
Sums up this kind of argument to a T. Interesting perspective, though. I'm probably going to go to hell regardless, because I guess trans people and homosexuals are worse than murderers, thieves, adulterers etc. according to religion.
I knew this blog would begin an argument, but I HAD to tell my story. I could not hide it forever.
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youre welcome
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We're with you all the way!
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Who said anything about hell? I never did. You're overreacting. It's less about the sin itself and more about if you're willing to grow and learn. There's a long way until judgment day for us to change, and God accepts all those who are willing to work with Him. And the temptation to sin is not a sin; only if you act on it.
I understand that this is a very confusing and heartbreaking trial you're living with, and I honestly do hope everything works out, but I'm telling you right now, man, this isn't the way to deal with it. Giving in when the stakes are this high will be virtually irreversible! I can't just sit by and watch you set off on an impossible task!
5760098
Reflecting this year to get this sort of complicated stuff off my chest is NOT venting. It is a reflection of what's been happening these last few years. I don't understand this reaction, Bady, we were really good friends.
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Why "were?" What, are you gonna sever ties with me over this? That's impulsive and rash, and I promise you, I don't want to sever ties with you over this. But I also can't go back on what I know is right.
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I'm not stabbing you in the back at all. I can continue to be friends, but if you seriously find the way I live my life being the biggest problem on earth, I don't know how we can continue.
I'm tired of these repetitive arguments and debates. I'm tired of going round in circles. I'm tired of being accused as disgusting and wrong.
I am a 23 independent adult, I want to live my life. This blog was never targeted towards you, but you felt that way for whatever reason I am sorry.
You may not agree with my decisions, but you must respect them. I have told my story and I want to lay this to rest.
Congratulations on taking this first big step. I see that some people are saying how much of a struggle this will be and that the pain won't be worth it. Obviously only you can decide whether or not that's the cause, but I personally feel that it will be.
Discovering who you truly are and living that truth requires real bravery and strength. The road ahead will occasionally get rough and people you thought of as friends will show their true colours. But you'll also find new friends and community who love and accept you for who you are.
And as for those who use their beliefs and faith to spread their hatred towards you and the LGBTQ+ community as a whole. Isaiah 56:3-5, Matthew 19:10-12, Samuel 16:7, Galatians 3:25-29, Psalm 139:13-14. The bible contains more verses telling you to love and accept your fellow people then it does to hate them. You don't hate because of your religion, you use your religion because it makes hate easier to mask. But you'll always find that your low and puerile hatred will be smothered and defeated by love and acceptance.
Once again, congratulations and I'm very happy for you.
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Thank you.
I must admit I didn't know about you until very recently, but I feel sorry for the way people treated you and I hope things will only get better for you moving forward.
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Thank you.
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"What is a woman"
Tell me your a virgin without telling me your a virgin
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Imagine viewing women as nothing but targets for men's sexuality. Educate yourself, bigot.
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Imagine thinking women were not objects. Why dont YOU educate yourself? Pleb
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Oh, so it WASN'T schizoposting when some weirdos claimed you were a double agent or some gay shit. Enjoy having both sides want nothing to do with you, S E X H A V E R
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STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP
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i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/001/222/370/923.png
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NOOOOOOOOOOOO
There are times where a blog on FimFiction leaves me feel like I’ve been trauma-dumped on. This is one that makes me feel informed, and tells me to keep living.