Before Equestria

by Boneman

Tails of New

"Come over here," Twilight called. "I think I found some!"

It was a bright, sunny day outside of the boundaries of Equestria. Twilight and her friend were enjoying the company of each other in the pleasant scene of a beautiful, quiet forest.

"Ah'm here," answered Applejack, cantering over to Twilight with a small cart behind her.

"I think I found them!" exclaimed Twilight, pointing to bones next to a small, rock house.

"That looks like 'em," agreed Applejack, examining the bleached sticks. "Weird creatures, whatever they were."

Twilight frowned. "Don't they look... strange to you?"

"Yeah," said Applejack. "Their heads are huge!"

"No, no, not that," Twilight said, pointing to their limbs. "It looks like they were... hugging each other or something before they died."

Applejack tilted her head, looking at the dead animal's remains at a new angle. "I guess so," she agreed. "Do ya think they understood friendship?"

Twilight pondered the matter. "I'm sure they did. This is a land that thrives off of friendship, after all."

She levitated the new found specie's remains, breaking the friends' final hug.

"We'll ask the Princess, she'll know what so say."

They turned and walked away, leaving the strange stone house behind them.

Author's Note:

This was my first published fanfic. I hope you enjoyed it, as sad as it was to me. I would be grateful if any Spanish speakers could correct any mistakes I made, it's not my native language.
Thanks for reading!

Criticisms are appreciated.

Comments

[Boneman]

Sorry to bother anyone reading this, but how do you submit something twice? I think the group welcome thing said to do that.
All of the stories I see being posted say:
Example was posted in [The Writer's Group] / [Sad]
Example was posted in [The Writer's Group] /

Thanks in advance.

[The Grey Pegasus]

Short, simple, and I say it's good.

As for adding it to a group, just click on add to group and click on the folder you want to add it too.

Oh- and wasn't it the other way around? The story inspired by the song?

[uhhh]

Don't really know how to help you with the posting issue, but the least I can offer is some feedback.

- So you had this idea about Equestria being in the future and not on another planet or plane of existence. I have to say...I've seen this, before, but that's not a bad thing! It's no surprise to find similar story concepts being used by different authors, just as long as you add something from your own style to make it unique. And that's the issue: you don't take the parts you've added far enough.

- The idea of the soldiers associating with each other, though they were on opposing sides, caught my interest. They gave up fighting; they were injured and horrified by their own kind's work. In the end, they were brothers.

- Flash forward God-knows-how-far to Twilight and Applejack discovering the bones. This is a great way to tell us that they died without actually having to state it, but then it leads into a really forced conversation about friendship. It's not necessarily out of context for these characters to bring it up, I'd just like to know...what is it about a bunch of fossilized bones that makes somebody want to start talking about friendship? Consider the reasoning behind why they're doing it, how the friendship stuff lead into their thoughts, etc.

- The length doesn't cut it for what you want to do. You bring up the idea that Equestria is way, way far into the future, and just as soon as it gets me involved...it ends.

- My suggestion: you aren't so far along that you can't go back and add some meat to your story. If this is as far as you want to take it, that's fine, but I see it has more potential than to just end here. I would personally focus on the soldiers more, perhaps even switch back and forth between the two timelines?

At this stage, there's a lot to work with. I hope my feedback helped you out!

[Norden Guard]

this cant be the end of the story

[dashdlkashd]

Interesting story though it sort of short. I have to ask though, why do humans need friendship? I, for one believe rivalry got us where we are. "necessity is the mother of invention" and all that, after all...

[RoadRunneR]

Interesting.

[Boneman]

2469007
I think I got the posting down.
What I was saying was that my story was inspired by the song, and that the song was inspired by a different fanfic. I deleted part of it, since they say it in the video, so hopefully it's more clear.
Thanks for commenting.

[Boneman]

2469112
Thanks for the criticism, it was perfect.
The talk about friendship was because Twilight saw the bones arranged similarly to what they were when they died, as if they were hugging. They were talking about if they understood friendship because of that.
I wanted the story to be a short "after humans destroy themselves and ponies take their place" story, so I kept it abrupt and ended it with the jump to Equestria to show that the Earth doesn't care about the last of the humans dying. It keeps turning, life keeps moving. (I was a little proud of that, sorry if I sound sour)
I will definitely do what you said and add more interaction and "meat" into my characters in the future; I see what you mean. I felt something was off, and I think you nailed it. I'll add more of that in my later stories. And thanks for the compliment about them forgetting their hostilities, I liked that too.
My reply was long because you're the first one to help me, ever! Thanks, man. You're really helping me clean up my future stories.

[uhhh]

2472252

No problemo! I'm practicing my criticism skills...must not be doing too bad.

And thanks for clarifying the friendship conversation. I didn't notice that they were hugging next to each other.

No, you don't sound sour. The Earth's indifference towards what lives on gives a lot to work with and I think you are in the right place to be proud of it.

Glad I could be so helpful!

[thefunnyhuman]

Spanish is my lenguage

-"No! Déjalo ir!" he pleaded. <--- i think you mean in that part as saying: "no! get off me" or something like that, then it would be: "no! Suéltame!"

. He couldn't find the will to dig out the bullet or amputate. "Tú pierna está malo." <--- that would be: "Tu pierna esta mal"

"A nosotros," toasted Esteban.<---- i think you ,mean "for us" then is "por nosotros"

gazing into the dead woods ahead of them. "Por matía tu amigos."<----- it´s "Por matar a tus amigos"

and that's all everything is fine

[Boneman]

2475228

Sweet, thanks! As I've said before, Spanish isn't my strong suite but I want to say it right. I'm changing it right now.
Gracias!
Two quick questions though, I was trying to have Esteban say "To us." Is there a direct translation, or is "Por nosotros" the closest thing? The other thing, do I put any accents for the esta in "Tu pierna esta mal"? I know está means 'is', and esta means 'this'. Thanks again, I learn a little every day.

[thefunnyhuman]

2477065 oh yes, there's a way to say "to us" then is "para nosotros" that's the correct way to say it

and about the "esta" yes you are right it's "está" with the accent

you're welcome bro