The Cold Of Despair
Agate's hopes were dashed when she burst out of the treeline and found herself facing a broad expanse of snow. The trees had slowed her pursuers, but in the open meadow there would be no escape. She was tired, so tired, and she knew what little magic was left in her horn would do her no good now.
It felt as though she had been running for days, but she had left the small settlement of Constancy only hours before, her heart filled with joy. Twins... twins bring a blessing and a curse, she thought ruefully, recalling the Gryphon adage. Flintspark had asked Agate to be the foal's sun-mare, and Agate was determined to be the best one ever. When word came late in the day that Flintsparks' time was near, she had cantered up the miles-long trail in a tizzy, even though she had to be back at work the next morning. The thought of mother and foals brought a brief smile to Agate's muzzle despite the danger she faced. Feldspar and Cream Agate... Agate's heart had leapt when Flintspark had named the foals, gracing her with a warm smile as she named the filly, but now tears filled her eyes as she realized she'd never get to see her grow up.
Agate's headlong flight had begun barely outside the village's brushwall. She had managed to stay ahead while among the trees and boulders of the hillside forest, but as the land flattened the predators had closed in upon her. Several times, she had caught glimpses of them to the sides, and not until it was too late did she realized she had been herded to this spot.
After being hunted in the speckled dark under the dense pine canopy, the bright starkness of the moonlit snow dazzled her, and she blinked to clear her vision. It was only when she heard growling and the scrape of bark on bark among the trees that she realized she’d stopped running. Her sides heaved for breath and she felt as though she couldn't take another step, but when the first howl rang out in the woods, panic gripped her chest and she gathered her hooves under her. Looking up at the face of the Mare in the Moon, she whimpered to herself, “Help me...”
For a half-second, she thought she saw the ever-open eye flicker, but then the sound of paws charging through the snow dragged her attention away. She let the saddlebags slip from her lathered haunches, fear pushing her to dash out into the meadow, even as a voice in her head protested, The trees, don't leave the trees! You can't outrun them out here!
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
“Set torque fifty percent, and, uh..., gimme full flaps.”
“Fifty percent torque set, below one-ten, verified, flaps full... set.”
“'Kay.”
"Flaps full...set. SET."
"Oh, for the Grower's sake- INDICATING, happy?"
"Thank you, before landing checklist complete. I suppose we can call that item finished, so let's proceed to the balked landing procedure."
Spin Drift yawned and bit off another sarcastic comment. He probably has a checklist for responding to those by now, anyway. Spin Drift could not recall a more exasperating flight -- the hours of being lectured on how to fly had nearly driven him to throttle the Pony in the seat next to him, Ledger De Mane. The de Hoofiland factory representative was certainly knowledgeable about the contents of the sales brochure for the new Twin Trotter aircraft. For the first hour of the flight, Spin Drift had listened, first in amazement, and then with growing dread, as Ledger praised the craft up one side and down the other. It had taken a few rude comments, but finally Spin Drift had gotten the message across, and Ledger had begun to limit his side of the conversation to the language on the flowcards. Exactly the language on the flowcards, Spin noted.
That was when Ledger decided it was time to begin Spin Drift's type checkout. The ridiculous attention to detail was wearing him down, and he had slowly begun to give in and mumble the right words in response to the other pony's challenges. I can’t wait to get this over with, he thought. 'Insurance requirements,' my right buttcheek. I bet Espresso put him up to this, and the little snot's milking it for all it's worth.
Spin Drift had been excited to get to fly a new type of aircraft, but having to deal with the orderly factory rep was robbing the experience of all the joy. Ledger de Mane's insistence on procedure, procedure, procedure was mind-numbing, and Spin couldn’t wait to throw the flowcards out the window. Again. He’d already done that shortly after takeoff, but when he had turned to say, “Oops,” Ledger was holding out a replacement for him.
“Here, from the second set of flowcards. As you know, de Hoofiland certifies every aircraft with two primary sets of ‘cards and one backup set, all of which are considered required equipment. Luckily, I have several spare sets with me, otherwise we might be operating in contravention to regulations right now.”
At that pont, Spin Drift realized that his reputation had preceded him.
Behind the two stallions, Espresso sat in the front row of the passenger section and leaned her muzzle against the window, staring out in utter boredom. She had disconnected her ‘phones from the intercom when the two up front had started bickering after takeoff, and now she was falling asleep from the droning of the engines. I still don’t know why we didn’t just designate Spin as our signing agent, she mused.
But she did know the reason. Several reasons, in fact. Spin Drift loved playing the part of a brash pilot. While he was skilled at reading weather and wringing performance out of an airplane, his neglect towards recordkeeping was a constant headache for Espresso. The transfer of the aircraft involved several cartons' worth of forms, files, and manuals, and leaving them in his charge was a bookkeeper's nightmare scenario.
Spin Drift was also impulsive and informal, and those two qualities that made him an awful choice to deal with anypony more important than Espresso herself – and that especially meant the manufacturer of their newest aircraft, whose goodwill and knowledge would be needed as the airline adapted to using and maintaining the larger, more powerful craft. Keeping Spin Drift from causing havoc with customers and suppliers was the reason he'd been assigned to the Trottinger Flight Center, and the task had fallen on Espresso's back in particular.
As Espresso looked out the window, she saw the dark forest canopy give way to a broad, silvery meadow. Faint shadows from the moon showed where some creature had stepped out of the forest and left tracks in the smooth expanse of snow. Make that a herd of them.
What she saw next made her rub a hoof across her watery eyes. There was a cluster of dark shapes near the center of the meadow. Sitting up, she leaned forward and shielded the window with a hoof, trying to block out any light from the interior. Below, she could see the lead animal come to a sudden stop, and the way the dot broadened made it appear that the creature had lain down in the snow. One of the following dots kept dashing along and crossed over the stationary animal, then veered off to the side. Meanwhile, the cluster of following shapes moved to encircle the first two. Espresso furrowed her brow, suddenly understanding what she was seeing. No herd animals act like that. They’re more like... a pack. Though somewhat morbid, events like this were common and well-known, and Espresso watched with a faint sadness, knowing that it was a necessary part of life in the Frostmane.
Then she saw a feeble burst of sparks above the fallen animal. She gasped and stared -- surely she had imagined it, for no animal could use magic in the fashion of a Unicorn. When she saw a second burst, she gave a horrified shout and began fumbling to plug in her ‘phones, then gave up and bolted for the cockpit.
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
Agate felt her right forehoof catch on a rock, but she was too exhausted to catch herself. She pitched forward into the snow, and cold, sharp crystals filled her lungs as she gasped for air. The chill in her throat stunned her, and for a few seconds she lay where she fell. When she heard the labored breathing of the timberwolf closing in on her, it was too late to defend herself. Before she could stand or turn, the wolf raked her with it’s claws, and a searing pain spread across her flank. She screamed and attempted to dazzle the wolf, but only a few sparks shot from her horn.
The pain tore away her weariness, at least for the moment, and she stumbled to her hooves, whirling to look for her attacker. Under the bright moon, she could see what looked like dozens of dark shapes surrounding her, cutting off escape in any direction. Behind her, she heard a low snarl, and shuffled around to face the timberwolf that had led the pursuit. The movement brought a fresh wave of heat and pain to her flank, and she risked a glance at her injury.
She immediately wished she hadn’t, for the sight made her head swim. The cuts were deep; already her leg was covered in blood, and the snow around her hooves was dark. While she was staring at her wounds, the wolf charged.
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
“Positive rate, flaps up.”
“Flaps up, set. … Flaps up, set.”
“Oh, uh... indicating?”
Ledger de Mane’s glare was lost on Spin Drift, who busied himself looking anywhere but at the Pony who continued to torment him with finicky language and repetitous procedures. He briefly wondered if anyone had ever tried to roll a Trotter. His imagination kicked in and provided him with a vision of Ledger reciting the procedures for the maneuver in a monotone voice. That’s it, Spin Drift thought, he’s officially the most boring Pony in the world. He kills fun before you even try to have it!
A clatter of hooves interrupted his musing, and suddenly Espresso was leaning over him, pointing towards the window and yelling. With the noise in the Trotter, he couldn’t hear a word she said, and tapped his ‘phones as her gesturing became more and more frantic.
Espresso whirled, snatched the microphone boom on Ledger's headset and yanked the 'phones from his head, shouting, “Look! Somepony’s down there!” She nearly punched Spin in the nose as she thrust her hoof towards the side window, pointing.
Spin Drift stared at her, open-mouthed, and then noticed Ledger de Mane behind her, his hooves clapped over his ears in surprised pain. In one motion, he caught the dangling plugs of Espresso’s ‘phones, plugged them into the spare ports on the panel, and pointed a hoof at Ledger. “Geez, E, you’re killing the guy.”
The sound of his voice in her ears surprised Espresso, and she blinked in surprise, then tossed Ledger’s ‘phones back at him. They bounced off his head and landed near his hooves, and the stricken earth pony glared at her before scrabbling for them.
But Espresso didn’t notice as she breathlessly explained what she’d seen to the pilot. “Down there! Timberwolves! They’ve got a Pony! I saw somepony using magic!”
Spin Drift squinted and looked out the window, unsure of what he should be seeing. Sure enough, he thought there were some dots down there. He turned looked at her in confusion. “What... I mean, you’re not serious, are you?”
”Yes, I’m serious, you clod! Do you think I’d make a joke about somepony being hunted?”
Spin bit off the retort that came to mind, instead stammering, “Well, okay, but, what?”
This time, Espresso did hit him, clouting him on the back of the head with a hoof. “I don’t know! You’re the pilot, do something!”
Spin Drift reached up and flicked the cockpit lights off, causing Ledger to squawk in protest. Ignoring him, Spin stared out the side window and waited for his eyes to adjust. When they did, he swore at the scene he saw.
Espresso clouted him on the head again.
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It's not that bad. The back-and-forth makes Agate's story a bit confusing, but it doesn't look like you'll be doing that for long.
My question is how big of a plane are we talking about? To me, it sounds like a private sized plane, double prop of course kinda like a Charter a King Air 350. I would like to know how exactly the ponies in the plane are going to help Agate. Landing on snow and ice is risky business on an established runway, but this is in the middle of a field, full of timberwolves, in the dark
... You sir, are one gutsy pilot if you would WANT to do something like this. I feel that I must also commend you for your bravery, imagined, fictional, or real. I bet very few people would be willing to take a risk like that.
Those are the two main points of concern so far. I mean, I could get over both of those points if the craft were some kind of helicopter... your call. Things are going well so far, but because this is for sh
squee ts and giggles and you want to get rid of it I won't point out the spelling/grammar mistakes. Unless, of course... you want me to 
. I'm not sure where things are going, but they could go somewhere if you want them to.
Besides the whole "Stop me, this is really dumb and stupid" thing I have just one question for you: did you have fun writing this? If you answered yes, then keep going. If not, abandon the thread/ship/plane and burn it with fire as soon as possible. Yep, your call.
Hope I got a laugh or two from ya,
and thanks for helping me out with Raindrops. By the way, there is a hidden joke in there. It's when she talks about the drop zone... as in RainDROPS 
. I know, bad joke right? Still, I like it. Yay happy accidents.
2448994
I haven't elaborated elsewhere, but the de Hoofiland Twin Trotter is loosely based on the de Havilland Twin Otter, so capable of carrying about a dozen people, would be more like 15 to 20 ponies. Fixed-gear, and in the case of Frostmane Flying Service (I keep publishing things in the wrong order, no wonder none of this makes sense), fitted with skis during the winter. That's the case with this craft.
That's the trick, isn't it? It's hard to do anything with a craft like this, but that's what makes the solution... at least interesting enough to write about. How do you take something moving at 150mph and help someone who's surrounded? That's the challenge, that's what keeps it from being a 1000-word blurb. You gotta put obstacles in the way.
(And to be very clear... I haven't done anything like this in an airplane. Er, mostly. Not with other people involved, not in any sort of SAR situation or anything.)
I do! Please, point them out. Just because I don't have a literary boner over this doesn't mean I don't care about doing it well! That's the only way to improve stuff. I may go through and re-edit this for other things as well, so whatever you see, let me know!
I did have fun writing- I like finding out how the characters interact as I go along. I had the basic events scripted out, and what is actually said and done between characters just happens as i write.
When I say it's dumb and such, it's because looking forward in it... all I see is the sort of writing that gets slagged as "self-insert" type stuff, where people write a heroic character for themselves. I don't want to write that- I want to write INTERESTING stuff, and I'm afraid it won't be. We'll see. I'll get started on it, and find out.
2448994
Gutsy, foolhardy, or burned out by instruction and trying to find ways to let off steam while rewarding students fo...
Um, let's stick with gutsy, foolhardy, or possessed of a supreme sense of invincibility. Yeah, totally.
Um...no, now that I've read it your required to continue to an acceptable conclusion.
2450054
Rewarding students for what I wonder? You should finish that thought, I don't know you well enough to guess where that was going. I understand the burned out part, but at least you have a job that pays the bills, right?
But enough of that. Sure, I'll give it a look over but things are getting really busy for me so don't expect something right away. If I haven't gotten back to you in five days feel free to bug me about it
.
2454565
Why, being good students, of course.
No I shouldn't.
There's a saying, the Flight Instructor's Creed:
Admit Nothing,
Deny Everything,
Demand Proof.
Accordingly, I mistyped up there, nothing happened, and if I'm wrong, show me.
Oh, all that was years ago. Might even be past the satute of lim...
No rush on the reading- I just meant that if you see something, don't feel shy about bringing it up -- I welcome the critique!
2450100
Yeah yeah, I was going to try to do that anyway.
Ok, work was canceled today, so guess what I'm going to do? These are only suggestions mind. Ready? Then here we go.
In the broad meadow there would be no escape. (comma not needed)
She was tired, so tired, and what little magic she had left would do her no good now. OR,
She was tired, so tired. What little magic she had left would be useless to her now. OR some combination of both variations maybe?
The moon lit snow dazzled her and when she heard the scrape of bark on bark from the trees she stopped running.
Her sides were heaving but when a howl rang out primal fear spurred her into a desperate race across the wide whiteness. OR vast felid/meadow. Double w's didn't really roll of the tongue. (Both comma's removed)
She looked up at the empty face of the moon and whimpered to herself, "Luna, help me..."
For a half-second she thought she saw a black mote flash across it's face. (removed comma) (The mote being the plane, right? Or maybe Luna? Naw, the plane for sure. Also, good thing Equestrian moons are always full other wise Agate might have missed it.)
More later today.
2456049
*nods* I see what you're getting at with some streamlining of the sentences, but since this is a semi-expositional paragraph, I don't want to go with the short, punchy sentences of the action scenes. At the same time, i don't want to have huge clauses that make it hard to digest what's going on. See what you think of the first sentences now- your question made me re-think the wording.
In the second paragraph, I want to keep the first sentence as-is, because there's a connection between the clauses: She stops when she's sort of surprised by the brightness in the meadow, and pauses, then realizes she's stopped.
Thanks for looking and thinking about this critically, I appreciate the input!
2456987
) and found herself facing a broad expanse of snow. The trees had slowed her pursuers, butt 
in the open meadow there would be no escape.
Agate knew it was over when she burst out of the tree line (two words
Couldn't resist mate. It's better, it read fine the first time though. Someone suggested to me to try and shorten things up so I practiced a little bit here. I struggle with the concept of showing vs. telling. I know we are supposed to show, but how that works in an exposition (even in general) I have no idea. I mostly think of what I want to say and imagine how it's going to go. Then I go into a trance like state and write what feels right. Lather, rinse, and repeat. Double check to see if it reads like other fics I liked and hope that it all works out.
Small confession, I really have no creative writing experience which is why you should take everything I say with a grain of salt.
Your welcome. Although I won't have enough time to do that for the rest of the story, I'll give it a read and see if anything stands out as clunky or confusing
.
>>I think you can remove the second scene marker. I think the story flows naturally enough without it.
As she watched, the Trotter passed over the edge of a meadow. Faint shadows from the moon showed where some creature had left the forest and crossed the smooth expanse of snow. Make that a herd of them. What she saw next made her sit up and rub a hoof across her watery eyes. Black dots were near the center of the meadow. Sitting up, she leaned forward and shielded the window with a hoof, trying to block out any light from the interior.
>>I think that could be one paragraph. As it sits, it throws off the rhythm of my eyes, if that makes sense.
Below, she could see the lead animal come to a sudden stop, and the way the dot broadened made it appear that the creature had lain down in the snow. One of the following dots kept dashing along and crossed over the stationary animal, then veered off to the side. Meanwhile, the cluster of following dots moved to encircle the first two. Espresso furrowed her brow, not understanding what she was seeing. No herd animals act like that. They’re more like... a pack.
At that point, she saw a feeble fountain of sparks come from the fallen animal. She gasped and began fumbling for the plugs for her ‘phones, then gave up and bolted for the cockpit.
>>Same here. For the sake of pacing I would recommend two paragraphs here.
>>Paffed, WC. Sparked? Fizzled? Something else?
>>The cuts were deep, and her leg was covered in blood. The snow around her hooves were already dark. (past present disagreement) (to me it sounds… off the way it appears here. Consider a sentence structure change to remove that problem.)
His imagination kicked in, providing him with a vision of Ledger reciting the procedures for the maneuver in a monotone. That’s it, Spin Drift thought, he’s officially the most boring pony in the world. He kills fun before you even try to have it!
>>No complaint, but it was funnier the second time. So this is how you reward you students, eh?
>>Why does Spin Drift remind me a bit of Baloo from Tail Spin? I bet he’s great with paper work too?
Well that’s all I got for large problems. The rest are stylistic choices: sentence structure, punctuation and the like. All of which was fine for me, but you could change some things around if you wanted to. Like I said, subjective stylistic silliness.
Spelling, from top to bottom: tree line, flow card’s x3, fore hoof (I like it as one word), timber wolf (same), paffed (WC, to me it sound like an old man fart. I want something a bit… juicer considering it’s a life and death thing), repetitious, and of course somepony. (seen it used as one or two words. I prefer to make it one if they are saying it quickly, two if they are saying it slowly. You know, whatever feels right.)
Well that’s all I got for everything. Hopefully the comments were funny and the critique useful. Keep going with this, you know you want to…
2457711
I've been playing with that, and I'll probably keep them in. this isn't a high-level fic, and I like making the rapid scene switches more clear.
I like having it separate because I wanted some emphasis on the sentence where she realizes something's going on.
In this case, I was missing a return, it's fixed. *sighs* As well as nuking my nascent reply...
Hah, that was just shorthand from writing, I forgot to replace that. It's an X-Men reference, actually, Jubilee. It felt appropriate, because Jubilee could only produce firework-like effects that were only good for dazzling enemies, and she called them 'pafs.'
>>The cuts were deep, and her leg was covered in blood. The snow around her hooves were already dark. (past present disagreement) (to me it sounds… off the way it appears here. Consider a sentence structure change to remove that problem.)
Nope, "snow was" is correct- snow, the subject, is not plural.
>>Why does Spin Drift remind me a bit of Baloo from Tail Spin? I bet he’s great with paper work too?
There's a reason Espresso is along for the acceptance flight.
I'm going to respectfully hold the line on these spellings.
Treeline, timberwolf, and forehoof are accepted spellings. I use 'flowcard' as a conscious style choice to differentiate from the usual 'checklist' (same as I use the the older 'let-down' instead of 'approach.' 'Somepony' and 'some pony' do mean different things, and doesn't just depend on the rate of speech.
2449192>
I had it pegged as a HU-16 Albatross. I think It's because you are pulling from the same anachronistic feel that 'TaleSpin' used. (not a bad thing)
Interesting. I love old aircraft. I've dreamed of getting my pilot's license since i was 8. Now at 31 I'm finally doing it. 1940's aircraft have a magic that can only be experienced, and I feel like you are trying to pull some of the mystique into your writing. To that I say, you have a high bar, but go for it.
As for your story. I can see potential, there is intelligence behind it, I can tell that. Though, your narrative has a strange cadence. Try reading your work out loud. If it's hard to say, it's hard to read. Here are a few retreads on what you have.
Agate's gut sank when she burst out of the forest and into the snowy field.
The moon lit snow overwhelmed her scenes, it was only when she heard the growling and scrape of bark on bark in the trees that she realized she’d stopped running.
But, that's just How I'd go about it.
I think the biggest thing I'm FEELING from your story is that the POV is too distant. It's almost cold and detached. Get me in close, right over their shoulder. Make me care.
I'll give you, the best review I ever got:
Potential? Check.
Speed? Fail. Slow down, partner. Open the moments. Get me situated into the story before you whisk it away.
Still waiting...