The Innocent Pony
Hey everyone, I've gotten a few people asking so i'm going to add this in so people know that it exists
this is the next one in the story line, but it has nothing to do with the mlp story line, while this is a complete story and I pretty much filled in the blanks with why Luna isn't in the show with this story, I jumped off the wagon with the other one and went into my own direction really
while rated mature, Its really more teen than anything, but one or two scenes were iffy so I made it mature so I don't get yelled at or anything
so if any of you were wondering this is the next part, then there's the Desert Pony after this one, I've yet to post it, but probably will since I was ask
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- thesilentpony · 23k words · 15 5 · 631 views
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Hi, intressting story, but I think that the whole way you are writing it is just so rushed.
It's like you want the information out and can't wait to share.
I feel like there are a lot of information and feelings that just slips through my fingers while I try to grasph them.
My suggestion:
Take your time to really explain why some of the things that happens happens.
And when you have an very powerful character try to make him grow into it or explain some difficulitis in using his powers. And about the life force thing, try to really describe why it's so much danger in using it, like how he can feel his soul slowly being eaten from within.
It's really good for a first time story
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i wrote this story soooo long ago, i should probably rework it, but i'm too busy right now, and it was something of rushed, next to editing it needs whole revisions, so yeah, thanks
also as you can see it's the first of many of my stories :D
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Well It surley shows potential for you, lets see if I can find something else here more recent to read
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but i mostly write dark fiction so be warned, and most people that enjoy my area of writing really enjoy my stories, i hope you will as well
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Oh noes, dark stuff! I can't handle that!
( All stories I've read so far has been dark or tradegy...)
3154107
then you'll be able to handle my stories just fine
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i don't know what your talking about
6562462 idk it's been a very long time and i haven't edited this story
How does one serve as caption of the guard? Do they project words onto their body with unicorn magic?
First off, I didn't finish this story... sorry, but I just couldn't understand what was happening most of the time. I did make it to chapter 5 though.
Your first few chapters were not bad for the most part. But as it went on, it became more and more confusing to read. There were times when I couldn't tell who was talking or several times when, from one line to the other, there was a whole scene transition that had no warning.
A few tips for ya:
-Slow down. This is the biggest one. While you may have a great idea for a scene or interaction or whatever... the readers don't know what that is unless you write it all out. Things like having characters show expressions (scowl, shock, confusion, etc.), actions (picking up something, opening a door, levitating an object, etc.), or simply where they might be in relation to certain objects (near the door, by the bed, on the balcony, etc.).
-Plan it out. If you are telling a story, don't have it conflict with already established ideas. It was stated that the main character was killing himself every time he used his magic. It was also stated that Celestia had to extend his life on several occasions so he wouldn't die after using his magic. But then, throughout the story, the main character uses his magic constantly with seemingly no regards for his own life. Fixing a large column and essentially being a maid had no purpose in his actual job, but he was killing himself by just doing those things. Is he always draining his life whenever he uses magic? Or is it only when he taps into his own life force that it harms him? Is it an optional thing or does he have no control over draining his life with his magic? Be sure to clarify these things early on to avoid misunderstandings.
-Scene transitions and locations. Many times in the middle of various parts of the story it would jump between completely different characters and areas with no indication. When writing something out you need to show some form of transition or readers will get lost very fast. It never hurts to open a scene with "Back in Luna's bedchambers . . . ." or, "On the way to . . . ." or any other similar indication that a scene has changed. Also, don't just have a scene transition in the middle of an interaction. Have the interaction end or come to an obvious pause before the transition. Giving some visible form of a transition is often needed as well. Usually the line of ------'s before starting a new paragraph. I shall give a brief example:
".... and now that we have established that, I have something to show you." Luna stated with a playful smirk.
--------------------
Back in Luna's bedchambers, the pair arrived. Luna entered first and tuned with a flourish before excitedly saying,
"Behold! I have acquired the newest video game system that was released just today! It has all of the most innovative features and options. I also bought that 85inch flat screen television so I can play all of the latest games in ultra HD!"
The guard stood in stunned silence for a while before asking, "How did you manage to set all of that up in here without anypony noticing it?"
Luna just smiled in response.
Notice that example? You can tell where a scene break is as well as where the new scene is taking place. You are also able to tell who is talking and how they are feeling and reacting to various things. While this isn't the only way to go about depicting interactions and scene transitions, it is still fairly effective.
Another tip is don't feel the need to quickly get your idea out there. Don't feel like there is a deadline for getting your story completed... just work on it at your own pace. If it takes you a month or more then so be it. Just be happy with it whenever you do decide to upload it for everyone to read. Also, if you have an idea and are afraid you might forget it then simply roughly write the idea down. Don't bother making a story out of the idea right away because that almost never turns out good. Keep the idea, refine it, plan it out, and then write it.
Hope this helps in some way. :)
7014779 this story had basically no editing, which is why it was hard to read, i don't plan on fixing it for a long time