Mane 6: Faux-Friends or Foe-Fiends?

by Kunnka-Kun

Attack of the 4ft Mantis! Pt. 1

JJ was pacing around his office while pondering on what next he could sensationalize. Nothing as usual happened lately. When the only notable things that occurred in town was a stampede by talking cows was stopped, a rude griffon stopping by, and an even more rude magician making an appearance, you know you’re in the middle of nowhere. Then he heard a sound.

At first JJ thought that the rumbling was merely a warning sign of his impending death by starvation. That was until the rumbling grew louder and the waves could be felt by his hooves. Stomachs, even those of equine nature, tended not to growl with the ferocity of a lion. Then he heard a familiar shout from out his window.

“Everypony run, it’s a monster!” shouted Miss. Heartstrings.

Jameson looked outside and confirmed that yes Indeed, there was a monster that was running amok on the stalls of the market. On closer inspection JJ noted that this monster had traits that were very familiar.

Its scientific name was Sphodromantis viridis but its close friends called it The Praying Mantis. It stood on four massive legs with its wings on top of its massive abdomen. Its two huge compound eyes changed direction every few seconds, looking for a meal. The two front limbs with its spiked clamps twitched, ready to grab prey. Sharp mandibles clicked repeatedly, making an impromptu funeral bell. All this fearsome power was put to the task of smashing up produce.

Perhaps the most defining trait about this particular specimen was that it was about as large as a fully grown stallion and was currently smashing everything in sight.

Carrots were getting sliced into tiny bits, cabbage limbs were gruesomely split from their source, and the radish intestines were flying every which way. Truly it was a scene fit for any vegetable B horror movie.

The many mares of Ponyville were panicking for quite a good reason and were running this way and that. Berry Punch closed her window (As if that would somehow spare her from the giant mantis wrath), Golden Harvest grabbed her welcome mat indoors (As if it were her most valued possession), and Pinkie Pie was out being Pinkie Pie (As if that was unusual).

She started to trot out of Sugarcube Corner with a long whip and a four legged chair, ready to tame this mighty beast. Fortunately Miss. Cake managed to grab her and pull her inside before anything happened. Shame, it would of been amusing to see “Mantis Tamer Pinkie”. The insect continued its organically grown massacre.

If JJ had spent less than a year in Equestria, he would have also partaken in the panic and chaos. The truth was that Equestria was just too harmless to allow this to warrant any alarm.

Nothing bad ever happened in Equestria. It was a utopia of hugs and smiles. A paradise where nothing notable to report ever happened. No, the stamped would be stopped or somehow cause the town no harm. And no reason to report it. Of course if you looked too closely there was the bad things such as poverty and degradation of youth, but if you look closely enough on any mirror you’ll see smudges.

These equine inhabitants didn’t have to worry about nuclear war or hate mongering, their daily problems consisted of “what should I have for lunch?” and “Gee I wonder if this saddle makes my flank look bad”. It was just like life back in America.

JJ decided that this new resident of Ponyville had enough fun and went out of his office to confront the giant mantis. He couldn’t work with all of this racket around town. He needed his peace and quiet to do absolutely nothing but stare at a typewriter and printing press. Equestria was where nothing bad ever happened. This situation would obviously be solved peacefully and quickly.

After All, the mantis was probably just outraged that tomatoes cost two bits. Hell Jameson went on a small rampage when that greedy tomato mare tried to charge three bits one day!

He trotted up a fair distance from the rampaging mantis and shouted right it.

“Hey you!” Jameson shouted. It grabbed the mantises attention as it rotated its head 180 degrees to stare right at JJ. This didn't faze or daunt JJ at all.

“Yeah you, the overgrown NUN with an exoskeleton! I don’t know what hive you’re from, but in this city we place our complaints down at town hall! So get your thorax down there and leave these dumb ponies alone” JJ finished huffing to it.

At first the bug stared at him.

And then it suddenly charged on its four long limbs and two spiked limbs at JJ. To say that Jameson was surprised would incorrect. It’d be more correct to say he was very angry. Not just at the mantis but at how strange sentience was in Equestria. If cows and sheep could talk in this world, why not insects? Regardless, now was not the time to understand the complexity of species and their self-awareness.

JJ hopped to the left as if he was dodging a charge from the Rhino. Unfortunately this particular insect seemed smarter than a giant man stuck in a grey suit and with a flick of its frontal limbs JJ was knocked down on his back as the mantis passed him.

Fighting wasn’t something JJ was known for. Stretching the truth, smear campaigns, and huge media circuses was what he was known for. Not fighting. High School boxing only took you so far when you're up against masked psychopaths with fancy toys. Even then he couldn’t very well use his boxing skills if he no longer possessed any fists to which to apply directly to his opponent's skull. Ponies didn’t make for very good boxers.

The mantis stopped in its track and once again twisted its head a full 180. Every single lens of its eyes reflected back the vulnerable form of JJ. Mandibles continued to twitch and it was getting ready to charge once again in this hideous parody of a bullfight where Jameson played the part of the Matador.

He did the only sensible thing and ran away with his tail tucked between his legs just like Parker would whenever there’s trouble. At least Parker had the good sense of knowing when to run away from danger. JJ was a thinker and a ruthless Editor, not a fighter. He acknowledged that in a fight between him and the winged monstrosity, he’d end up as bug chow.

The best way to solve a problem was to find the source. Obviously a four foot mantis appearing out of nowhere just doesn’t happen. And where was the response force? Usually anything that happened in town was either caused or ended by those six infuriating mares.

Pinkie already made her required appearance, only to be withdrawn by the cakes. If JJ remembered correctly, idle chatter amongst the ponies revealed that Rainbow Dash was off to Cloudsdale participating in whatever a Pegasus does and Applejack was off helping one of her relatives with a harvest. That still left Rarity, Twilight Sparkle, and Fluttershy to do whatever they would do. He hated to admit it, but this was something he’d need help with, and those six were the only ones dumb enough to help him.

First to look for that pompous Mare known as Rarity.

If the building for Sugarcube Corner was enough to cause a toothache, then Carousel Boutique was enough to cause a pony to gouge their own eyes out. Of all the brightly colored structures of Ponyville, the boutique was simply an eyesore amongst all of the buildings and JJ found it strange that ponies being impaled by sticks through the stomach as decortion wasn’t unnerving to all the other ponies.

Ever since the day Rarity stormed into his office, their relationship was icy to put it best. They ignored each other whenever they trotted by each other and Jameson heard made-up scandalous rumors about him every now and then, no doubt spread by the white mare. Still he would stop by the boutique to buy a new tie every now and then. He wouldn’t lose the last symbol of his humanity if he could help it.

JJ walked into the store and heard the familiar jingle of the bell that alerted her that customers or friends were dropping by. He then heard a familiar voice.

“Why hello, welcome to-” Rarity then noticed who she was talking to from the counter and her eyelids lowered in that familiar face of disappointment.

“Oh it’s just you. Come for another one of your nooses?” she stated flatly.

“Listen, we can insult, hate, and insult some more later. Right now there’s a wayward bug eyed priest that needs some persuasion to leave town right outside” he stated flatly right back at her.

“P-pardon me?” she questioned him. Though her tone didn’t seem too genuine.

“You heard me, there’s a four foot praying mantis that’s trying to jump up the food chain a few links” JJ said in the middle of browsing some new styles of neckties. Jameson was starting to wonder if maybe most of her necktie business was from him alone.

“Why darling I’d simply adore helping you with your little bug problem, but I’m simply swamped with orders right now. Oh well, toodaloo!” she attempted to quickly exit to her backroom when Jameson stopped her with a simple statement.

“You’re a terrible liar”

“Why whatever do you mean?” she stated. A small bead of sweat went down her well moisturised face that most likely took most of the morning to perfect. The price of beauty and all that.

“You’re being too polite with me. If you were telling the truth you wouldn’t call me “darling” or even take that kind of tone with me” he said bluntly while eyeing a few ties. The ones with actual gemstones attached were just SO last year. A little too thickly stitched.

“Perhaps you’re right and perhaps you’re wrong. Let bygones be bygones and allow me to finish my work”

“If you were so busy then why just stand around the counter slack jawed while waiting for some schmuck to walk in and get scammed?” he looked at her furiously. The only thing he hated worse than vigilantes were bystanders.

“Because insects of all varieties are simply disgusting! I went out when I first heard the commotion outside and went straight back inside when I saw that carapaced menace” her face had a look of utter disdain. Whether for JJ or the mantis was up for debate.

“That’s the only reason why you’re cowering in your tacky palace? Because it’s an insect?!” JJ shouted indignantly.

Rarity decided that there was no point in playing a rude facade and gave him a glum nod.

“Outrageous. I’d love to try and h ve some kind of pep talk with you or something, maybe tell you about how you shouldn’t be grossed out, but there’s a problem out there that kinda needs my attention” he said as he walked out of the store. He wasn’t mad or hateful towards Rarity. Merely disappointed in her. If she wouldn’t help, then maybe Fluttershy could assist.

The walk to Fluttershy’s cottage was a strange one. On his way there he saw overturned trees, ruined pathways, and strange tracks going every which way. The animals were also strangely absent as the forest around her cottage was deathly silent. JJ arrived at the building and was immediately sent into a panic.

There was a familiar mantis shaped hole in her wall.

Fearing the worst he rushed inside and realized his fears were true. The reason why the forest wa so quiet was because all the animals were in a silent vigil over Fluttershy’s body, encircling her were all the animals she had helped in her time in Ponyville, from the mighty bears to the lowly hamsters.

Fluttershy herself was on the floor, facing upwards with her eyelids closed peacefully and her wings to her side, as if in an attempt to keep her warm in the afterlife. Now she truly was an angel.

JJ staggered through the crowd of mourning animals and to her side. The shock of what was before him caused him to collapse in front of her. He fought back tears for a fallen friend, he fought back tears for all of life's misfortunes that this mare had to overcome. It did not matter why he cried, only that he cried.

“Umm...are you okay?” Fluttershy said as her eyes fluttered open.

“I...WHAT?!” he said as he jumped right back up.

“It looked like you were...”

“I was not crying! Why the hell were you playing dead?!” he screamed at her.

“Something happened and I fainted. I heard you...doing whatever you were doing and I woke up” she then noticed all the animals around her.

“Oh, did I miss feeding time? Sorry everyone” she said quietly. All the animals did not seem to mind and let out their roars or chirps of joy that their caretaker was alive and well.

“Whatever. Say, what are you feeding these animals? There’s a giant mantis back in town that looks like he made of gorged itself on some growth hormones” JJ was now annoyed by the noise and by Fluttershy herself. To think, he almost felt emotion for her!

“She” Fluttershy said calmly.
“What” Jameson said as his annoyance was slowly growing with her.

“She. Her name is Mary, JJ” Fluttershy replied back as she attempted to hide behind her own wings. JJ felt like he would break a blood vessel.

“I thought I told you to call me Byline from now on. And was Mary always this freakishly huge?” he said with venom pouring out of his own words.

“No, Twilight kinda helped me...” this sent JJ into a frenzy.

“I KNOW IT HAD TO BE ONE OF YOUR FAULTS! THE SIX OF YOU CONSTANTLY GET INTO TROUBLE AND DRAG THE REST OF US WITH YOU! LAST TIME IT WAS THAT DAMN BEAR MADE OF STARS AND NOW THIS!” he shouted at her. Fluttershy bolted up and attempted to hide behind an especially fuzzy bear. The bear growled at JJ to keep back.

“I’m sorry, it’s just that the insects are so small so its hard to take care of them at times...”

“Go on” JJ said

“So I asked Twilight to try and make them bigger...”

“GO ON” he said while grinding his teeth

“So Twilight used some magic to make Mary bigger but I fainted when she got so big. I don’t know what happened after that” she finished saying.

“So did it cross any of your minds that maybe there’s a reason why insects are the size they are?! That maybe messing with the natural order wasn’t such a good idea?!” he said. Fluttershy hid fully behind the bear now and replied back with an answer.

“N-no”

JJ let out a frustrated scream. To describe the level of anger and anguish would be something impossible to achieve in written form. He was pretty pissed off. After letting out his frustration he asked a question.

“Alright. Can you at least help solve a problem you started?” he said, seething hatred pouring out of his mouth.

“Well first I have to feed the animals” she stated. And with that JJ trotted out of the looney mare’s cottage and slammed hard on her door. Obviously she wouldn’t be helping out until far later.

In times like this Spider-Man would have resolve the whole situation. He may of been a sociopath, but at least he was a sociopath that got things done. Where the hell was the webhead when you needed him? Robbing banks back home probably. Without him controlling the masked menace, Spider-Man was probably in the middle of a crime spree now.

Jameson decided to head to the mare that started this madness. He had to go to the tree of knowledge where a neurotic mind was slowly corrupting it. Hopefully he wouldn’t have to fight against giant bugs on the way there. He had enoguh of insect themed menaces.

Author's Note:

Sorry for the delay, I was debating what direction this should go. Originally this was just suppose to be JJ going through the series of episodes, but then I realized it'd just be plain boring seeing things that every one of you have seen already. So now original episodes from now on!

As always please comment on any criticism of comments you have. Hopefully I didn't lose too many of you guys.

Comments

[nightmaster0]

Great chapter once again. Nice to see you adding some originnal stuff to the timeline, and not just stuff from the episodes.