Follow the chronicles of J. Jonah Jameson as he follows and chronicles the adventures of the Amazing Mane 6 and their Uncanny Friends, all the while as he continues to adjust to living in Equestria.
They say that "no news is good news", but for one J. Jonah Jameson that simply isn't true.
Ponies are content to live in peace, and that means nothing to report on. But one fateful day, Princess Celestia sends over her faithful student to manage the Summer Sun Celebration in a small town called Ponyville. From there the real adventures start, and what are heroes without their detractors?
Ponyville was in ruins with nothing inhabiting the buildings but fire and ash. Town Hall was toppled into rubble, its symbol of benevolence shattered and nothing more but distant memories. The Clock Tower had long since stopped operating, perhaps giving a time of death to the inhabitants of this once prosperous city. The sky was choked with the smoke from all the burning structures. Even Celestia's sun couldn’t break through the smoke and give off a ray of hope. Of course, none of that was true.
“If it was true, then that would mean SOMETHING finally happened in this damn city”, thought Jameson.
Just like any other day, it was a fine day in Ponyville. Celestia's sun was especially radiant on this cool summer day, the ponies chatted with long time friends and newly made acquaintances idly in the sunlight. Merchants peddled various goods and services including tomatoes, cherries, and apples. If a sale was made, then that was great. If a sale wasn’t made, then that was okay too. Yes, it was a fantastic day to be alive in Equestria.
And that made J. Jonah Jameson absolutely furious. If nothing happens, then there’s nothing to report. If there’s nothing to report, then there’s no point in journalism. If there’s no point in journalism, well then there’s no point in him existing.
He stared at the blank sheet of paper on the typewriter as if glaring at it long enough would create a bit of news for him. The only headline it would hope to create would be:
LOCAL PONY BURST BLOOD VESSEL SCOWLING AT PAPER, FOUND HAPPINESS!
“At least that would be a bit of news”, Jameson grumbled to himself.
He looked out the window near his desk and saw all the happy little ponies without a trouble in their life frolicking with each other and just being happy. There were no masked menaces galloping around, no plots against anyone, and no villains making a mockery of justice. He then thought back to when he had to restart his life.
It was about a full year since JJ found himself no longer (in a rare moment of fatigue) sleeping on his bed in New York and instead was laying in a pile of mud surrounded by trees. At least he hoped it was simply mud. He was pretty sure the trees were...trees.
After deciding that he was definitely not in central park, he started to yell at the number one threat of New York City as if it was going to help him from this predicament. Nothing would give him pause from his ravings against Spider-Man, not being assaulted by the Green Goblin, not getting kidnapped by Rhino, and definitely not getting rescued by the webbed menace himself. The only thing that made him stop from his rant was when he shook his fist in the sky.
Or rather he tried to shake his fist, but instead raised a hoof. JJ’s skills of perception were never too good, but this was simply embarrassing for not noticing it sooner. He walked (or perhaps trotted?) to a nearby pool of water and looked upon it. The reflection that stared back was totally alien to him.
Well actually he knew what a pony was, but it’s kinda shocking when your reflection is of an entirely different species than what you woke up to the day before. Being turned into a pony isn’t something that usually happens. Well not to JJ anyways. After shouting out his anger at this sudden turn of events for a few minutes, he took a closer look into the pool to inspect himself.
He had a creamy brown coat, same color as the coffee he would make the coffee boys get for him around 7:00 AM at the dot. One minute late and he’d fire them. No one likes cold coffee (well except for those new age hippies who do everything wrong). One minute early and he’d fire them. No one likes coffee that’s too hot.
His mane was mostly white with a thick line of black running down the center of it. There were occasional splashes of gray here or there, mostly on the border between the black and the white. Small wrinkles lined his face, and he still sported his toothbrush mustache. A shame Hitler killed the look. Kids these days could stand to know a bit of fashion.
For clothes, he was almost nude except for the collar of a white dress shirt was near the base of his neck. Bizarrely not the shirt itself was there, just the collar. A solid dark blue tie hung from his neck. A rather strange ensemble to wear.
Jameson absorbed all this information and did what any normal New Yorker would do in a weird situation. He shrugged it off and tried to find a way out of this forest. True, an actual normal person would be freaking right about now, but JJ had been through too many super villain plots to actual care at this point.
“This is either the work of that freak, The Lizard, or maybe that coward Mysterio!”, he shouted to himself as he shook his hoof in the air. He knew this would all probably end soon just as it always did, so Jameson started his trot out of this forest.
After following a stream he was out of the forest and came upon the first sign of civilization, a cottage. He went over to the front yard where he expected to find some form of life. He found one. It wasn’t the kind of life he expected. It wasn’t a life he thought he would ever live to see, or ever want to see.
Before him was a winged horse.
Pegasus or something like that. He majored in Journalism, not Greek Mythology. It was smaller than him, and it had a yellowish cream color for a coat. It had a pair of feathered wings that looked somewhat small on it. Its mane was a total pink and somehow it was styled like a hairdo that JJ thought had died out in the 50’s.
The most notable thing however, was that there were butterflies on its flank. Not live butterflies that had landed on its flank, but rather an actual picture of a trio pink winged butterflies right on its flank. It had its back turned towards Jameson while it tended to a small garden and humming a small tune.
JJ approached the pony and tested to see if it was maybe sapient. He cleared his throat.
The pegasus did not notice over her tune.
He cleared it louder.
No response
He stomped a hoof gently on the grass.
Still no response
“ARE YOU DEAF OR ARE YOU JUST HARD OF HEARING?! CAUSE THAT’S THE ONLY TWO REASONS WHY I THINK YOU WOULD BE IGNORING ME RIGHT NOW!” He shouted, finally losing his patience.
The giant banana with wings finally took notice of his presence and demonstrated that knowledge by leaping into the air and landing again with a hard thump facing towards him. She was shaking and her teeth were chattering. She stared at him with large aquamarine, no greenish blue, no blue grass green eyes? He majored in Journalism, not Painting.
“Well now that I finally have your attention, can you tell me what the hell is going on around here?!” He shouted towards the quivering pony.
She only continued her shaking and chattering. Fear had taken a hold of her and right now she just wanted the angry pony to just go away so she could go into her cottage and be alone. JJ continued to stare at her and asked another question.
“Can you tell me where I am?!” Once again the question came out as a yell.
And once again the only sound that came out of the pegasus was chattering teeth. JJ let out a sigh.He couldn’t help it if this pony was simply uncooperative. Then a thought had come over him.
What if this creature wasn’t sapient after all? Here he was just yelling at some poor animal and scaring the hell out of it. He wouldn’t like it if some weird thing came up to him and started yelling at him about things he couldn’t understand. It was his job to yell things that nobody understood! Still, he made some dumb animal suffer unneededly. He let out another sigh and his head drooped, and his eyes diverted to the ground.
“Hey, you probably don’t understand what I’m saying but sorry for scaring you like that. I didn’t mean to, it’s just that I’m a little confused on what’s happening right now, and I’m not even sure where I am either. To be honest...I’m a little scared also. I don’t know if my employees are going to be okay if I’m gone this long, and my son is probably worried sick at this point. I just don’t know anything right now. That’s why I’m a little scared”
The only thing that happened next was silence. Suddenly, he felt a hoof on his shoulder. He looked up and was met with a beautiful pair of mountain meadow eyes. She opened her mouth and spoke in such a sweet melody that was hardly louder than a whisper.
“I-it’s okay. There’s nothing bad about being scared. As long as you don’t let fear rule you, then you’re still brave!”, She let out a small smile that could make even an ant give pause from work to admire how beautiful that smile was.
JJ looked at her and smiled back. He opened his own mouth and said:
“IS THAT YOUR GAME?! MAKE GROWN MEN BREAK DOWN AND THEN GIVE THEM SOME TERRIBLE FORTUNE COOKIE ADVICE THAT CAME WITH THE SESAME CHICKEN?!” His smile turned into a scowl instantly and his scowl could make even an ant work faster to avoid the wrath of it.
Needless to say, the pegasus's fight or flight response took over and it screamed flight. She flew faster than JJ had ever seen a rocket go. She flew into her cottage while slamming her door and instantly closed all the curtains in a flash. JJ let out a sigh and trotted towards the door. He knocked a few times with his hoof, and as expected received no response.
“Listen, I’m sorry again. That’s...well that’s really all I can say” JJ said towards the door. Hopefully the pony wasn’t hiding under some...hay or something. He knocked again. After a few minutes he finally got a reply.
“A-are you g-going to yell at m-me again?” She said in response.
“Yeah yeah, I’m not going to yell at you” he said while rolling his eyes.
The door creaked open ever so slightly to the point where he could see her, but she could slam it at a moment’s notice if anything happened. She shook slightly but not as terribly as when he first shocked her. Upon seeing her face, JJ felt horrible.
She was crying not too long ago in her cottage. He could plainly see that tears had flown down her eyes and cheeks, and there were still droplets that yet to go all the way down or simply evaporate. She sniffled ever few seconds to hold back the mucus and her eyes were red from the tears that had flown freely.
Jameson immediately got flashbacks of his own mother crying when she received the regular verbal and physical abuse his father gave the two of them. Now the shouts and insults he made a few minutes ago seemed too alike to the abuse his father gave his mother.
He muttered another apology. He didn’t think she’d accept it. He didn’t deserve an acceptance at this point.
“I-it’s a-alright...” She said in a hushed tone.
“No, it’s not okay, I shouldn’t of yelled at you at all. It was inconsiderate of me and just plain rude. Again, I’m sorry for the trouble I gave you as well as wasting your time” He turned his back and was ready to leave when she spoke once again.
“Wait...do you still need help?” She said. JJ Looked again towards her and saw that award winning smile of hers. Now that was something to report about.
He nodded his head at her question. If being a pony was normal for her, then that meant he wasn’t on any Earth he knew.
“Can you tell me where we are?” He questioned while smiling back at her.
“Ponyville. Outside of Ponyville anyways” She said. She then outreached a hoof and pointed towards a direction.
“If you continue that path, you’ll be in Ponyville in no time”, she stated.
“Thanks”, JJ said. It wasn’t the answer he wanted, but that was probably gonna be the best response he’d get from her, not that he minded. He turned his back once again and tried to start trotting down the path, but this time he was interrupted by a shout.
“WAIT!” She yelled out near Jameson. He was pretty surprised that a shout like that came out of something so timid. She seemed a little surprised herself and covered her mouth with her hooves when that volume came out of it. For the first time in a long time, JJ dared to call something adorable.
Not aloud at least.
She uncovered her mouth and spoke again in that hushed tone.
“You never told me your n-name. My name is Fluttershy” She said with something that could be akin to a bow if the two front hooves were bent down and the back legs were slightly stretched out. JJ let out a small chuckle, something he hadn’t done since he got here.
“My full name is John Jonah Jameson Junior”, He thought about imitating what Fluttershy had done, but decided against it. He still wasn’t use to manipulating his new limbs, and it might be a gender difference and he’d only look foolish if he did it. Usually he tried reaching out for a handshake but...that might be a little difficult considering the circumstances. He continued to speak.
“But people usually call me JJ” He said with a grin.
JJ snapped out of his little walk down memory lane and focused again on the blank paper. There would be time to think about the past later.
For now he was just tired of thinking about anything that was noteworthy at all. Finally he gave up and took the paper in his hooves. He crumpled it into a wad and threw it at the wastebasket across the room. Miss.
Nothing ever happened in Ponyville, and nothing would ever happen. The town was a utopia of friendship and boredom. Great to live in, but not great to report on. Being a reporter, let alone an editor for a newspaper was a fool’s errand here. The last thing that was notable whatsoever was the election that Mayor Mane won by a landslide. She was the only candidate.
Jameson stepped out of the building and locked the door. No work was accomplished today whatsoever, and he had a feeling there was no point in continuing today. He began trotting towards the marketplace to grab something to eat.
The streets were filled with preparations for the upcoming Summer Sun Celebration. JJ let out a small, hardly noticeable smiled, at least there would be something to write about soon. Granted, it would most likely be about how it was a great honor for Ponyville to host it, and how smoothly it went. Beggars couldn’t be choosers.
On the way there he passed various ponies that greeted him by name.
“Hey there Mr. Byline!” “Yeah, yeah” “How you doing Byline?” “Fine, whatever” “Byline, do you have a moment?” “Nope”
He finally came upon Sugarcube Corner whereupon he was greeted by Mrs. Cake at the counter.
“Why hello there, Mr. Byline! Hankering for something to munch on I’m assuming? Oh why am I even asking?!” She said in that cheerful tone of her’s. For his part, JJ pretty much stood there as he waited for his donut to finally get on the counter. Mrs. Cake on the other hoof decided to make idle chit chat for some odd reason.
“So are you excited for the Summer Sun Celebration? Oh here I go again asking another question with an obvious answer!”
Again, JJ had nothing to say. He was bored more than anything else, and just wanted a donut. He could go without a conversation right now. Still, he might as well humor the mare.
“So is Pinkie Pie sick today? Usually she’s the one managing the counter” He honestly wasn't interested in the matter whatsoever. Just something to say to pass the time.
“Oh nah, she’s out and about. Decided to giver her the day off to prepare for the celebration!” Finally the donut was ready and JJ payed for it with the bits needed.
“I betcha that this year’s celebration is going to be my mightily interesting. Rumor has it that Princess Celestia is sending over her star prodigee to oversee things!” Mrs. Cake said.
JJ merely started to trot out the door and said in between bites of the donut:
“With all due respect, Ma’am, nothing ever happens around here”.
JJ continued trotting down the path towards the town square when up bounced one of those ponies that simply annoyed JJ to no end. Granted, almost every pony in this city annoyed him. Wait, scratch that.
Every pony in this town annoyed him.
Maybe it was because they were all unnaturally happy, or maybe Jameson was always just unnaturally angry. Either way, he simply didn’t like any of these ponies. No matter what he tried, he couldn't get them to leave him alone. Here was an average conversation for him:
“How’s your day/newspaper/life doing?”
“None of your business”
“Are you interested in having lunch/brunch/dinner perhaps later?”
“If I wanted to dine with you, I would of sent you an embroidered invitation” or some variation of no. Then he would trot away while the pony would smile politely at him.
From there one of two things would occur. The first option would be that the pony would shout out after him and he’d simply ignore them. The second option was that the pony would try and catch up to him and chat a little. From there he’d have to pull out the deadliest weapon from his arsenal. He’d ignore them.
But the mare that bounced up to him didn't follow this familiar pattern. No, she always skirted the normal rules and boundaries.
This mare’s name was Pinkie Pie. And she was ruthless. Even the Kingpin would have a rival when it came to sheer tenacity.
Most ponies knew to give up after attempting to catch his attention once, but this one was hell bent on getting that attention and locking it into a cage made of pure adamantium. She was absolutely reckless in her approach, always venturing to tempt him for but a moment of his time. One sign of weakness, and she would go in for the kill.
“Hi there Mr. Byline, isn’t it such a great day today?! Not like last week when the sky turned into a waterfall and was all thundery! Gee, I wonder if thundery is even a word? Oh well, maybe I should to the Tree of Knowledge to find out! I bet there are plenty of dictionaries there. You know what my favorite Dinosaur is? A Thesaurus!” she said miraculously without taking a single breath of air. Her smile almost covered her entire face.
“Pinkie, I have to get goin--” He said, when suddenly he was interrupted.
“Ooh, where you going? I bet you’re looking for a scoop for the Daily Bugle! Well let me tell you last night I saw something move in the dark. I know you’re probably wondering how I saw something move if it was dark, but it wasn’t like total darkness, the moon was still shining, but now that I think about it kind of looked funny. Not the Knock-Knock who’s there? Etch. Etch who? Bless you, kind of funny but one of those, oh no the cupcake batch was bad and my tummy feels bad kind of funny! Speaking of cupcakes, I think maybe we should try out some new flavors like Bubble Gum and Mint! People like Bubble Gum and Mint, and people love cupcakes, so why not mix them together? Wait, can you imagine what a cupcake flavored cupcake would be?!”
“Can this wait for lat-”
“I bet it would taste like every flavor of cupcake! Or maybe it’d taste like the favorite flavor of whoever bit into it. What do you think Lyra’s favorite flavor would be? I bet it’s cheese flavor. I guess applejack would like apple, or who knows maybe she doesn’t like apples that much and secretly likes pears! Now that would be a plot twist! How about you Mr. Byline, what’s your favorite flavor? WAIT LET ME GUESS! I bet it’s...lemon, because you always have that sour look on your face!”
It was at this point that JJ finally lost his temper.
“PINKIE I’M NOT INTERESTED AT ALL IN THIS CONVERSATION! Actually no, a conversation implies that two peopl- err ponies are talking to each other. We were not sharing a conversation; in fact we weren't sharing anything. You were taking my time hostage with all these words that are connected with the smallest string of sense!” Jameson said while taking deep breaths of air. He had fires of fury in his eyes.
In contrast, Pinkie Pie had eyes filled with joy and endless energy. She showed no signs of fear or sadness from JJ’s outburst and merely said:
“Well why didn’t you just say so, Silly? See you later!” And she continued to bounce off with that smile of hers, read to strike at another poor pony with her own brand of happy fervor.
Jameson was frozen on the spot where he was standing. A pure unbridled rage formed within him. The only problem was that he had nothing to lash against, since the cause of all this anger was already away at a safe distance. So he merely glared away at the sky and reminisce about the first time that pink mare made him swell with annoyance.
JJ had followed down the path that Fluttershy pointed down for a few minutes now. He wondered if maybe telling Fluttershy his real name was such a smart idea. He was a stranger in a strange land now, and that meant telling everyone your social security number was probably a bad idea. As he thought of these things, he was met with a strange sight up in front of the path from him.
There was a pony. Of course meeting ponies in this world at this point shouldn’t be strange, but something about this pony just seemed off. It had a pink coat, and a pink mane that looked sorta like cotton candy that kids would buy at Coney Island. Fluttershy also had a pink mane, and that should have tipped him off that ponies here weren’t like the ones at home (well besides the wings anyhow). He was pretty sure that pink wasn’t a natural color for ponies. On the ponies flank was also a picture, but this picture was different from Fluttershy’s. This pony had three balloons instead of butterflies. He was also pretty sure ass tattoos weren’t standard for ponies. Then again he majored in Journalism, not Equine Study.
Oh how he regretted it right now.
Another strange thing he noted was that it was singing to no one in particular. The lyrics made no sense to him, some song of how she was walking to some ranch for plums or something like that. Her voice was a lot like a college intern that worked for the Bugle last summer. She was always cheerful and tried to bring up work morale.
He hated that intern so much. Would have fired her if it wasn’t for the fact her mother owned large shares in the Daily Bugle.
The pink pony finally took notice of JJ and jumped into the air to let out a huge gasp. It would've been rather comical if it Jameson hadn’t seen it already a few minutes ago.
“Oh great, here we go again” He said as he rolled his eyes. He expected the mare to run away from him while screaming.
He was right in assuming the mare would run, but he was wrong in what direction she would sprint. Instead of fleeing in terror from him, the mare was charging right at him. In his shock, JJ stood his ground and was promptly rewarded by getting slammed into the ground with the pink pony on top of him.
If this was any other man, they would fear for their life right about now. But not JJ, he had too many run ins with costumed freaks to be worry about his own safety. Being tackled by a small pink pony wasn't very comparable to being dangled 10,000 feet in the air by The Vulture. Jameson did not show any fear, only a defiant scowl at his attacker. Then the banshee spoke.
“Hi, my name’s Pinkie Pie but you can just call me Pinkie!” She met his scowl with her own smile. She continued to speak.
“I haven’t seen you before, so you must be new! Are you visiting Ponyville or moving? Cause if you’re moving then you must not have a lot of things with you or maybe you have a unicorn friend who teleported your stuff already! And if you’re just visiting, then it’s kind of weird you’re wearing such fancy clothes for a walk. The only pony I know that wears stuff like that daily is Mayor Mare and that’s because then everyone knows who’s in charge”
In stark contrast to Fluttershy’s timid and shy nature, this Pony was energetic and ready to tell her life’s story to anyone who would listen. But JJ didn't have the time nor the patience to listen to an audio biography straight from the horse’s mouth, so he asked a polite question.
“You mind getting your flank off my chest?” he said sternly.
The pink pony, or rather Pinkie, nodded her head. Jameson then waited for her to get off.
She did not get off.
“Again, do you mind getting off?” he said again. She nodded once again.
And yet again, she did not remove herself.
“Do you plan on getting off of me anytime soon?!” He finally yelled in anger. This display of rage did not faze her and she shook her head.
“You said if I minded getting off of you. I signaled yes. Why would I do one thing with my body and do the opposite, silly?” She said with a small giggle at the end.
Jameson facepalmed, or maybe facehoofed. Admittedly it was his fault for automatically assuming yes was agreeing with the positive, when the question wording was confusing at times. Yes, I agree with the positive could also mean no, I disagree with the negative. For being a newspaper editor, this mistake of syntax was rather embarrassing.
“So why won’t you get off of me?” His said with an ever growing scowl.
“Cause’ you didn’t say the magic word yet!” She replied cheerfully. JJ let out a sigh.
“Please get off of me?” He said with clenched teeth. She shook her head.
“Those aren’t the magic words!” She said with cheer. Now this was getting frustrating. But finally, Jameson thought that he now understood Pinkie’s logic.
“Hocus Pocus, now get the hell off of me!” he shouted bitterly.
As those words left his mouth, Pinkie stepped off of him and sat down next to him. JJ got off from the ground and started to dust himself off.
“I should probably say thank you, but I won’t” he said as he stared at Pinkie. She shifted her expression from great joy, to a look of great curiosity.
“Are you having a bad day?” she questioned.
“Like you wouldn’t believe...” he stated sternly.
“Maybe you’re just hungry! Plenty of ponies get grumpy when they’re hungry”
“My stomach is the last thing on my mind right now, kid” he shot back.
Pinkie ignored what he said and started to reach for something behind her back with her hoof. She pulled out a large flat lollipop that had swirls of colors that all lead to the center.
JJ let out a scream and backed away from the pink mare. A thousand questions went through his head.
“Where did that lollipop come from? Where are her bags? Does she have pockets? How is she holding it?!” his mind screamed at him.
Pinkie Pie didn’t take notice to Jameson’s discomfort and stood up to trot towards him. She held out (more accurately it floated in front of her hoof) the lollipop towards him. Her grin appeared and her eye held no sign of malice.
“Want it? Made it fresh this morning!” she stated with that elation in her voice.
He eyed her with suspicion. JJ was never one to accept presents; too many traps proved to him that charity was a good cover for baleful intent. His expression of fear and confusion shifted into annoyance.
“How are you doing that?!” he said with unneeded volume. He was questioning how she was holding the damn thing without any fingers. Or without any physical contact.
“Well first you melt sugar, water, and cream of tartar in a pan that’s over medium heat. Then you-” she started to say. Pinkie either didn’t understand the question, or intentionally misinterpreted it.
JJ’s mind wandered away from Pinkie explaining in intimate details the steps of creating a perfect lollipop and he pondered what his next course of action should be. He could try and get some answers out of this bizarre mare, but that didn’t seem like a possible choice. Every time he tried to make heads or tails out of her, she’d throw a curveball right out of left field that was covered with candy and sugar. Then the ball would hit him right in the logical part of his brain.
“-and voila a delectable, delicious, and divine sucker is ready for your sucker!” she finished saying.
“Well this was just a waste of time” he grumbled while passing Pinkie Pie to go down the path again. It was obvious that she wasn’t going to be of any help to him. He met plenty of crazies on Long Island, but she was the Queen of Hearts. He looked back to see if maybe the hyperactive pony was following him.
She wasn’t there.
He turned his head forward when suddenly Pinkie Pie jumped up to him. She must of somehow snuck past him or something, that was the only logical explanation for her to suddenly appear before him. His heart nearly skipped a beat, but luckily his shouting regulated his blood flow.
“Goddamnit Ms. Pie, nearly made my skeleton jump out of my corpse! Don’t do that. You’re like that Parker kid, always showing up in the weirdest places!” he howled at her.
She giggled to herself and said:
“Howling is for timberwolves!”
This served to confuse him even farther. If he couldn't get away from her, he’d just settle at glaring at her until she’d got the message and to go away. He narrowed his eyes and formed his mouth into a scowl that would make even Juggernaut stop in his tracks. Pinkie Pie beamed with her grin right back at him.
And so the titanic battle between two beings of two opposing forces began. On one side it was JJ with all the anger and hatred of the world supporting him. Combating him was Pinkie Pie backed up by the bliss and Cheer from all of life that had been, is, or would be. The two were locked in a contest of emotions, neither side willing to back down. And they stared at each other.
And stared
And stared
And stared
Finally Jameson let out a sigh and dropped his scowl. At this point he was just tired of it all. He was tired of being in this pony form, he was tired from all the bewilderment in this new world, and he was tired of this pony. Pinkie leaped in joy.
“Yay, I won! Oh, I almost forgot, you almost forgot about this!” She said while pulling out the lollipop out of thin air once again.
“Go ahead, take it!” She said.
JJ was divided on what he should do. If he didn’t take it, then it might be taken as very suspicious from this mare, and at this point he didn’t know just what she was capable of. If he did take it, he’d probably just drop it on the ground and it’d be very...embarrassing. Pinkie Pie held out the lollipop even farther.
“Well, here goes nothing” he thought to himself. Jameson slowly raised his hoof. His mind braced for any stress it might be put under from the incredible task of holding a lollipop. His heart pumped faster and faster, and the muscles of his body started to tremble. He reached out for the lollipop.
And he successfully grasped it.
It was a strange sensation. He could feel the stick of the confectionery, but he couldn’t quite understand from where he was pressing from. It was like feeling a magnetic force upon bare skin. It just floated in front of his hoof. He gazed upon the sweet as if it were the Cosmic Cube. Pinkie Pie broke the silence.
“Well, you going to lick it?” She questioned with anticipation stuck in her eyes.
Jameson decided to throw caution to the wind and undertook the challenging task of licking a lollipop. He drew the candy close to his mouth and licked on the lollipop once. His eyes went wide. This time his heart really did skip a beat this time.
This lollipop was the greatest thing he ever tasted.
The fanciest restaurants of Manhattan couldn’t compete with this piece of candy. It was like a burst of flavor on his tongue, and his mouth was set ablaze by the fireworks of taste. It reminded him of the candy he and his childhood friends would chew during those lazy summer days in his youth. It reminded him of the first time he held his newly born son. But above all, it reminded him of the meals his departed wife would make for him.
“Well, how do you like it?” Pinkie asked excitedly.
“It’s...okay” he said. JJ still had to keep his self-respect.
“Great!” she stated. Her wide grin turned into different, something more...genuine. It shrank from a warm smirk into a knowing smile.
"Say, you never did tell me your name!" she said.
Maybe telling these creatures his real name wasn't such a good idea. They hadn't done anything to lose his trust, but using an alias would be a good idea. JJ thought for a moment of what to call himself. It was pretty much already proven that ponies here didn't use any standard naming scheme, so he said the first thing that came to his mind.
"They call me Byline" he stated bluntly,
"Nice to meet you, Mr.Byline. Welcome to Ponyville!" she sasid and the she started to trot off back to her original direction. JJ was just dumbfounded.
She could have taken the moment to say something along the, lines of “I told you so”. She could have gloated over him, and he’d be forced to take every bit of it. But instead the pony seemed to just take comfort from JJ’s own moment of respite from all of his discomfort.
“Thanks” he said to the long gone Pink Mare. He trotted down the path all the while licking his lollipop. Little did he know that wouldn’t be the last time that mare would jump out of a cake in his life.
JJ’s rage subsided. There wasn’t any point in staying mad at Pinkie for any extended length of time. That pony always found a way to worm into any ponies heart and stay there. Every day they did this same song and dance, and everyday Pinkie got the best of him.
He was still facing the sky when he noticed something out of the corner of his eye. It was the underside of a carriage being pulled by two royal guards. The guards looked like stallions and they both wore the royal set of armor that allowed them to be easily identified. The carriage was golden and adorned by regal engravings. He couldn’t see the occupants of the carriage itself, but it was no doubt some important dignitary or government official.
Jameson took his eyes off the sky and yet again started to trot down to the town square. Before he could make much progress however, he was stopped by a mare by the name of Berry Punch. They began a tango that JJ had been through many times before.
“How’s the newspaper doing?” She asked
“None of your business” he replied
“Are you interested in dinner later?”
“Nope” he said while trotting away from Ms. Punch. She smiled politely at him and asked if perhaps he’d be interested in lunch tomorrow then.
He ignored her.
Just then he heard a loud gasp and just like that a pink blur rushed past him. He hardly had time to blink when the two events happened. The pink blur rushed past a corner...and then promptly came back to JJ and turned into the shape of Pinkie Pie.
“There’stwonewsomeponiesinponyvilleandoneofthemlookskindalonelyandtheotherisacoolbabydragonI’mgoingtothroewasurprisepartyforthematthelibararytowelcomethemtoponyvilleyou’reinvitedsomakesureyou’reatthelibrarytonightandeveryonewillhavesomesupergreatfun!” she said rather quickly. Once again she turned into a pink blur and rushed around the corner.
JJ was dumbfounded. He hardly caught a word of what Pinkie said, but he did catch something about two new arrivals to Ponyville. Maybe they’d be interested in a subscription to the Daily Bugle? He’d have to meet with the new newcomers later and see what they were like.
Jameson finally began to trot again. But then a sudden question overtook him and he took pause.
The Ponyville town square was a buzzed with activity, all of it focused on readying the town for the Summer Sun Celebration. Pegasi were hanging up strings of colored flags, rooftops were being decorated with fabrics, and the occasional tent or two rose up to sell wares and trinkets commemorating the event.
Town Hall itself was being spruced up with fresh coats of paint and any dust was being swept away to make room for a new layer of dust on a later day. Tables, decorations, and other odds and ends were being brought into the hall and getting set up. JJ even saw Rarity setting up streamers and curtains in rare glimpses into Town Hall when the doors would swing open.
Jameson decided to take a look at what the tents were selling; maybe something would catch his eye. News in Ponyville was so sparse he had to create different sections of the Daily Bugle just to fill up space.
One of those sections was product reviews.
He'd buy something and check to see if it did what was intended to do, as well as if it did it effectively. He reviewed pretty much anything. He wouldn’t go out of his way to buy products that people were interested in, in truth the product reviews were just a marginal utility for him to use. He’d buy an item then write a review to waste space in the paper.
That wasn’t to say that his reviews were shoddy. His rigorous standards would make even Blue Blood think JJ was too stingy.
One time he bought a simple pen. Before using it he put it through many tough trials. He dropped it from the top of town hall. He tried to crush it under his hoof. He kept submerged it in water, apple juice, punch, and cider all in that order. It still worked pretty well.
He rated it three and a half out of five. It could have written more consistently. It was his duty to warn consumers about anything and everything. After All, consumers could use all the information they could get.
The average human consumer for all intents and purposes was a complete moron. They had no idea how market forces work, no idea what they actually wanted in a product, and were afraid of trying new things. They could be lead easily like a flock of sheep into the newest trend or lead astray from a superior product. They say they want freedom from regulation and control, but one little injury and they’ll scream for help. This may have seemed harsh, but JJ wasn’t exactly a kind man to judge others.
Ponies weren’t too different. For one thing, he hardly thought that any of them developed an understanding of economics, or if economics was even a valid field of study in Equestria. True, the local library had books on money management, but they only applied principles to the individual.
They were all also written for little fillies and colts to help manage their allowances.
Macroeconomics simply wasn’t a thing in Equestria. This might have been because Macroeconomics would simply make no sense at all in this setting. One of the core principles of economies is that there is a certain level of unemployment that must be maintained.
Too much unemployment causes there to be less money to circulate in the economy. If a pony doesn’t have a job, then they aren’t earning bits. If they aren’t earning bits, then they can’t spend bits. Eventually enough unemployment would lead to a complete collapse of the economy and then there’d be a lot of ponies begging on street corners for bits.
Too little unemployment and inflation goes through the roof. If there’s little unemployment, then the job market is too small with potential employees. This causes business to compete with each other for employees by offering higher and higher wages. Eventually inflation rises to meet those wages. Employers have to raise their prices to make enough money to pay for these increasingly higher wages. Hyperinflation then occurs.
One day a bag of apples would cost three bits, but the next day it would increase to around seven bits. And then the next day it’d be 20 bits. By next week that bag of apples that cost three bits would be around 80 bits. The government would have to mint more and more bits to help consumers afford these things, but that would also increase inflation because the value of bits would go down. Now that bag of apples that’s 80 bits would be 110 bits.
By the end of the month what was originally a bag of apples at the value of three bits was now 340 bits. There’d be ponies pushing wheelbarrows of bits just to go buy some flowers.
The one reason why unemployment wasn’t a problem, Jameson thought, was because of what was on their asses.
Cutie Marks were the ultimate economic planner.
An employee on Earth was always looking to get ahead of the game and find something they’d love to do. This would cause frictional unemployment because they’d hop from job to job finding something that had a right amount of pay and enjoyment. A Cutie Mark however, defined who a pony was. Instead of going on job hunts, a pony merely got their Cutie Mark and either went to get employed in that field of work, or started a business that related to that field. This ensured that a worker was always content and happy.
Likewise, an employer on Earth had to search for someone who had the necessary skills needed for a position, and that could take months. But in Equestria, all you had to do was look at their ass to see if they were right for the job. No need for a long screening process or job training.
But if unemployment wasn’t a problem, surely too much employment had to be. Everyone seemed to have a job. He never met a pony that didn’t have an occupation. Inflation didn’t go through the roof, JJ reasoned, because there was no competition in the job market.
Once each pony found their talent, they only had one career path to go through. This meant employers didn’t have to raise wages to attract their employees, instead their employees came to them. This was a perfect capitalist society run by a perfect socialist population.
He majored in Journalism, but he did minor in Business Management.
Jameson once considered publishing his thoughts and perhaps making a book deal. He’d be the Adam Smith of Equestria. He decided against it when he remembered it’d attract undue attention upon him. Besides, literacy rates seemed to be woefully terrible here.
JJ closely examined the wares of the merchants that were selling things to commemorate the event. There were the usual commodities of pins and buttons in various shapes of the sun, clothes such as scarves and hats with pictures of the sun, and some toys for the foals such as dolls in the shape of Celestia or spinning tops that had the moon on one side of it while the other side had the sun. Nothing real interesting to buy. He continued to browse the goods until something bumped into his side.
To be more accurate, that something was more like a horn and the act of bumping was more like getting stabbed.
A sharp pain ripped through him. The editor of the Daily Bugle jumped back in pain and grabbed the area affected. He started to rub at the sudden puncture he had when he looked at the assailant that attacked him.
This pony had a purple coat that made her stand out in crowds instantly. Her mane was mostly a strange mixture of shade of blue with a dash of purple. There were pink highlights in it also. Her cutie mark looked like...fireworks? Diamonds? A nova? Whatever it was, it wasn't exactly clear what her talent was.
Then Jameson found the weapon she assaulted him with. On top of her head rested a horn. It was the same color as her coat, some shade of purple. Nothing special about a unicorn having a horn. But using that horn for fencing was something new.
The unicorn must have been looking down at her companion when he attacked him. While she stood out, but was otherwise unremarkable, her companion was anything but normal.
It looked like an overgrown lizard on two legs. Maybe a baby version of a certain Lizard back in New York.
Its skin was primarily the same color as the pony it was with, but its underbelly was a shade of light green. Two pointed fangs hung out of its mouth. On its head were what seemed like green fins that came out as waves? The fins came all the way down to its tails which had a pointed end. A set of ears were either hiding behind a set of fins, or those fins were his ears. All its limbs ended with a set of four claws. What stood out to Jameson however was that its massive green reptilian eyes took up most of its face.
The purple pony was the first to speak; she raised her head and opened her mouth.
“Oh, sorry” she stated bluntly as she continued on her way. She turned back to her companion and tried to continue on a conversation they were having earlier.
“As I was saying, I still don’t think we have time for all of this. I need time to research more on the mare on the mo-”
“Hey, stop right there!” Jameson yelled at them before they could get too far. Getting stabbed was bad enough, but getting shoved aside with hardly what could be called an apology was just an insult. JJ’s blood started to boil. The two stopped where they were and turned back to look at him.
“Uhh, something I can help you with?” she said without any hint of interest.
“Well first of all you could look where you’re going! You should put a cork on that sharp thing!” he said with anger.
“Okay...” the purple one said, again without any hint of caring about what JJ had to say. Once again she tried to turn her back on him.
“Wait! Damn it, when someone’s trying to talk to you, you should actually try and pretend you care what they’re saying!” he shouted. Pretending that he cared what came out of another beings mouth was an art he honed well. She turned back to him and replied.
“Sorry, but I’m kind of busy, so if you don’t mind...”
“Well I do mind! When you decide to assault someone with a deadly weapon, make sure you finish the job. Otherwise they’ll write you a strongly worded letter and force you to eat it!” he retorted back at her,
“Gees, I already said I was sorry” she stated while rolling her eyes. Her companion got more and more worried as the two traded verbal blows.
“Twilight, are you sure you want to treat him like this? He’s turning kind of...red” the little lizard said. Indeed, JJ’s head was starting to turn into deeper shades of red. The faintest sight of steam started to leak out of his ears. But instead of shouting the purple off of her, he calmed down and started to speak in a slightly agitated but calm tone.
“Listen, Twilight, when you say sorry to someone, you mean it. It’s terrible to say sorry and not even mean it. When someone doesn’t say sorry, maybe they didn’t know what they did was wrong. But if someone does say sorry and they don’t put any significance in it, then they acknowledge what they did was wrong, but they just don’t care” he said.
The two were stunned and looked at him. First this pony looked like he was going to maul them, but now he was giving them a lecture. Spike got out of his daze and started to approach JJ.
“Spike, I don’t think that’s such a good idea...” Twilight warned him. The peeved didn’t seem dangerous, but he wasn’t harmless either.
“Hi, my name’s Spike! And that’s Twilight Sparkle” he said while motioning over to the purple pony. He sported a welcoming grin.
“Humph, Name’s Byline. I’m the editor-in-chief and one of the reporters for the Daily Bugle” he eyed the lizard with suspicion. Just because someone extended a hand in friendship didn’t mean that hand didn’t have a knife.
In truth, he was the only reporter. None of the ponies in town had any interest in reporting news. He couldn’t blame them; the only competition in the entire town seemed to be a rag run by the local grade schoolers that ran feel good stories about local achievements. Not exactly a profession that was glamorized in town.
“Nice to meet’cha Byline!” he said in that friendly tone of his. It was at this point that Twilight went over to the two of them. Her look of apathy was replaced with one that begged for forgiveness. She did a little bow before speaking.
“Listen, I really am sorry that I poked you with my horn. I guess I was just so preoccupied talking with Spike, that I didn’t really pay attention to where I was going. I hope I didn’t hurt you too badly, Mr. Byline” she said with the utmost authenticity.
JJ let out a sigh. What was done was done, and the only thing now was to bury the hatchet.
“Yeah yeah, just don’t let it happen again” his look of anger shifted into his natural scowl. Then a curiosity overtook him.
“So what were you two talking about that was so important that you neglected to see where you were charging with thing?” he questioned. Twilight and Spike let out a small laugh and Twilight answered his question.
“Well you see, I was sent over by Princess Celestia to-”
“Hold on a second, YOU’RE the star student of the Princess?!” he asked bewildered.
“Yep she is!” spike interjected.
Now this was a real shocker to Jameson. He assumed the pony sent over to oversee things would be a bit older. He understood that young people could do extraordinary things, but experience was still an important thing to have when in a leadership position. He also assumed the overseer would perhaps be a little more imposing. The two sent over by the Princess were simply adorable. The lizard was probably nothing more than a child, and the purple pony was awkward in an endearing way.
Of course JJ wasn’t going to let them know he thought they were cute.
“It’s nice to meet you, I guess. I guess. As you were saying?” he said, still curious as to what overtook their perception skills.
“Well Princess Celestia put me in charge of the preparations for tonight’s Summer Sun Celebration. But I think there’s something bigger happening tonight!” she said with a tinge of worry and fear enveloping her.
It was at this point that JJ really was interested. He could see the headline now:
PRINCESS'S PRODIGY NEGLECTS DUTY, CHASES SHADOWS!
It’d be a good story of how Twilight was charging at windmills with that horn of hers and putting the work on everyone else. Before he could write the story however, he’d need more information.
“Really? And just would this big thing happen to be?”
“I was reading this book back home in Canterlot, when I stumbled on something interesting. According to legend-” she started, but it was right at her last words that JJ stopped paying attention to what she was saying.
One of the best ways to invalidate yourself was by saying the words “according to legend” without a hint of irony. No credible source ever used myth and legends as a foundation in an argument. Cold hard facts and evidence was what made a logical piece.
Admittedly living in a land filled with real magic sort of gave some credibility to fantastic events and legends. But a prophecy? What a bunch of baloney. True, there was a bit of magic and occult in JJ’s own world, but he believed that everything had a logical explanation. Probably just smoke and mirrors.
Now JJ had an entirely different headline in mind:
STAR STUDENT DELUSIONAL, PURSUES FAIRY TALES!
There was going on needless crusades, and there was chasing legends. He turned back to what frequency Twilight was broadcasting on.
“-imprisoned on the moon. But she’s predicted to come back on thousandth year!” she finished saying.
Twilight looked fearful, Spike looked skeptic, and JJ looked like he didn’t care.
JJ put on somewhat a baneful smile for he finally had found news for tomorrow morning's edition of the Daily Bugle.
“Well it really was great meeting you two. Just where did you find this fascinating information?”
“A volume of Predictions and Prophecies this morning” Twilight replied.
“Good luck with your...Endeavour, Twilight” he said as he started to trot off back to the office. His two new friends waved off as he left to the horizon.
JJ was elated as he opened the door to the Daily Bugle building. It wasn’t like the office complex back home, but it all had to start from somewhere. The building itself was two stories.
On the first floor was the official workplace of the Daily Bugle. The only things of note was a sturdy wooden desk that had a top writer sitting on top of it. That was where Jameson would gather his thoughts and see if anything notable had happen in Ponyville.
In a separate room was the printing press that was used to produce all the copies of the newspaper. He’d copy down the sheet of the typewriter down to the movable print types and set them down on the printing press. From there he’d manually crank the machine to create the various pages of the newspaper. There was only one printing press, and there was only enough demand to warrant one printing press.
On the second floor of the building was where JJ took residence. One room was a simple restroom with the needed things such as a toilet, and the things needed to bathe. The other room was his own bedroom that had a simple lamp, nightstand, mattress, and a shelf for any books he might have on hand. There was hardly a single personal effect he had within his own home. No pictures, no personal wardrobe, no nothing.
He went over to the desk to start typing out the story that would appear in tomorrow's paper. He hadn’t felt this drive to write in quite a while, and it gave him a rush to finally be putting something meaningful up. After a bit of typing, he came up with his first draft.
TWILIGHT SPARKLE: PRINCESS’S PRIZED PUPIL AND FAIRY TALE CAPER Byline, Editor-In-Chief Daily Bugle
Ponyville- On the morning before the Summer Sun Celebration, a pony known as Twilight Sparkle was dispatched from Canterlot to supervise the preparations for the event. Twilight Sparkle is the star prodigies of the Princess Celestia, and it is assumed the process was a rigorous one to find the best of the best to learn from the Princess.
Unfortunately, it would seem as though the process was too lenient. It was later found out that same day that the duties of supervising the celebration were not at the top of the list for her priorities. Instead, she wished to find a moment alone to read up on fairytales and folklore to find monsters to chase. She did not focus on the assignment assigned to her by Princess Celestia. She turned her back on the town of Ponyville to indulge in her own delusions. She disobeyed Princess Celestia to be afraid of her own shadow.
Before departing for Ponyville, Ms. Sparkle found a dusty old volume entitled “Predictions and Prophecies”. The title alone should ring bells. Instead of casting it aside like any reasonable pony, she instead wasted time browsing through it. Then the musty old pages overtook her gullible mind and hypnotized her to seek out a figure from legend. A character from a colt and filly story. A personality that had apparently been trapped on a celestial body for a thousand years without any food or water. Someone who does not exist.
While technically no law was broken, it is hoped that Twilight Sparkle will either reform or be replaced. It is made increasingly clear that if she does not take her duties seriously, then Princess Celestia would be wise to find someone else to fill her shoes. Perhaps she’ll be the one kicked off to the moon.
JJ smiled to himself and subconsciously puffed an invisible cigar. He missed a lot of things back on Earth, but one held a special place in his heart. It brought him relief during stressful times and comfort when he was afraid to show how he really felt. Yes, what he really missed back on Earth was:
His Son. Cigars came second.
Jameson let out a small yawn and looked out the window. It was already night and ponies started to gather to town hall. A lot of which apparently were coming from the town library. Strange.
Jameson got off his desk and began walking towards the door. He may have gotten his headline, but someone would still need to cover the Summer Sun Celebration itself. One article did not make an entire newspaper. Maybe if he was lucky he might be able to bag an interview with Mayor Mare, or if lady luck was really smiling, he’d get some time with Princess Celestia.
Before he stepped out, Jameson decided to put on his hat. It was a celebration after all, and maybe wearing his hat would get the Princess to notice him for an interview.
The thing was an Anthony Eden Hat. It was silk brimmed with a deep shade of brown. It had a black stripe running through it and he had attached a piece of paper with the words “Daily Bugle” printed boldly on it. It fit his head snugly and did its purpose of making him stand out in crowds of ponies. It also gave him a small dose of nostalgia every now and then whenever he remembered the days when he was chasing the next biggest scoop. After all, he wasn’t always an editor.
Jameson trotted over to town hall and passed by various ponies. Usually they’d try and stop him for a conversation, but all were too busy to pay him any attention.
The interior of town hall was well decorated with the streamers and confetti that Jameson observed earlier. The tables that were brought on were lined with an impressive array of apple pie, apple fritters, baked apples, apple strudel, and other apple byproducts.
When the Apple Family was catering, you couldn’t afford to be picky.
It looked like every pony in town was excited for what was to come. Everypony chatted amongst them and waited for the big moment to come. JJ wanted nothing more than to just get the whole thing done so he could start printing the papers. True, maybe something might actually happen, but the Princess herself was going to show up. Every precaution was taken for the event, and besides if anything serious was to occur, then the Princess could obviously take care of it,
Nothing interesting was going to happen.
Then the moment finally came. Mayor Mare spoke up from a stage.
“Fillies and gentlecolts, as mayor of Ponyville, it is my great pleasure to announce the beginning of the Summer Sun Celebration!” she said as the crowd cheered. JJ simply had his look of annoyance. Political figures always wanted to give huge speeches so that they would be more memorable.
“In just a few moments, our town will witness the magic of the sunrise, and celebrate this, the longest day of the year! And now, it is my great honor to introduce to you the ruler of our land, the very pony who gives us the sun and the moon each and every day, the good, the wise, the bringer of harmony to all of Equestria...” Yep, he was right.
“Princess Celestia!” the mayor said as the spotlights focused on a balcony where Rarity stood with a pair of curtains. The curtains parted and revealed the ruler of their land, the thing that gave them the sun and the moon each and every day, the good, the wise, the bringer of harmony to all of Equestria...absolutely nothing.
The panic in the room was immediate and quite audible. Ponies started whispering among themselves and wondering just what was happening. Some were more worried and started to yell out their questions as if anyone had any answers. Everyone was in a state of panic.
Expect for JJ.
Jameson knew that this was probably nothing. For one thing, the pony missing was Celestia. He knew little of the ruler of Equestria, but what he did know was that she was a very powerful figure, both politically and in strength. The thought that she could be kidnapped or harmed was impossible to him. The assailant would have to get past the might of the full royal guard. And even if they could go through that wall of pure muscle and metal, then they’d have to contend with Celestia herself. He never heard a story of her might or her wrath, but generally someone who was in such a high position got it by building a throne of skulls.
The second reason why JJ wasn’t worried was because this was Equestria after all. The land where crime was hardly a problem, the place where ponies trusted each other enough not to lock their doors, the kingdom where even Jameson was greeted with a warm smile and an invitation to brunch. There was no reason for anybody to want to harm the Princess or the celebration.
An aquamarine pony that had a Cutie Mark of a harp came up to Jameson. Since he was managed a newspaper, surely he had to know the latest happenings.
“Byline do you...have any idea what’s happening right now?” she asked with a look of concern painted on her face.
“I wouldn't worry about anything, Ms. Heartstrings. The Princess probably got held up in a meeting or something” He said with a bored tone. The room was still in a heightened state of alert when the mayor spoke up.
“Remain calm, everypony, there must be a reasonable explanation!” she exclaimed.
“Good job getting the crowd calm, Mayor” Jameson thought to himself. Then Rarity went back from behind the curtains, returning from her search for the Princess.
“She’s gone!” Rarity made sure to say with the utmost bravado. The whole room gasped in unison.
“Good job getting the crowd to panic, Rarity” Jameson thought to himself.
Just then a swirl of what looked like a cloud of stars started to appear on a balcony. At first JJ thought that the Princess was finally making her grand entrance, but something about this cloud made it look more sinister, more primordial, more...evil.
Finally something oozed out of the cloud. It was a very large dark unicorn that seemed to wear a blue helmet as well as a matching chest guard. At the center of the chest guard was a pale picture of a crescent moon. Jameson assumed from its figure that it was a mare. Her eyes were massive and sported teal pupils that didn’t stare into a soul, but rather would rip into one. Its tail and mane were missing, what was there instead was the same swirling cloud that she used to make her appearance. They continued to move with energy in unnatural patterns and shapes.
She wasn't totally as black as the night. On her flank was a splotch of what looked like a dark blue and her Cutie Mark was also a pale crescent moon. Then JJ finally noticed it. She wasn’t just a unicorn...
She was an Alicorn. At this point in his life he saw plenty of Unicorns, Pegasi, and Earth Ponies, but he knew of only one ALicorn in all the land. This was most definitely not that Alicorn.
Her massive black feathered wings flapped a few times, as if unused to being utilized once again. On any other creature, they would be taken as majestic, but on her they were a grim symbol of fear.
She had a grin plastered on her face. It wasn’t malicious, it wasn’t intimidating, and it wasn’t a cruel smile. Something about the grin just seemed...wrong. Then the mare spoke.
“Oh, my beloved subjects. It's been so long since I've seen your precious, little sun-loving faces” she stated with arrogance dripping from her voice. The whole room was silent as the black alicorn scanned the crowd. Then a lone shout rang from the crowd.
“What did you do with our Princess?!” said a certain cyan coated pony with a rainbow mane and tail. After those words were said, Rainbow Dash made a charge towards the black mare.
Jameson facehoofed. Rainbow Dash was certainly rash and reckless, but even she had to know that now was not the time to charge in. Luckily Applejack had grabbed her tail and held her back before she would do something she’d regret. Assuming Rainbow Dash ever regretted anything. The Alicorn let out a mischievous chuckle.
“Why, am I not royal enough for you? Don’t you know who I am?” she questioned. It had one of those tones that meant a pony already knew the answer, but said something so that they could hear their own voice. The dark pony was nothing but cordial and polite, but something about her just radiated tyranny and jealousy. Then Pinkie Pie answered her question in her own manner.
“Ooh, ooh, more guessing games! Um, Hokey Smokes! How about... Queen Meanie!” she said.
JJ made a beeline towards Pinkie. If she kept this going, she would surely get hurt by this malicious mare. He had to get over to Pinkie quick and shut her up before something would happen.
Luckily once again Applejack was the sensible one and shoved an apple into Pinkie’s mouth before her little game would continue. JJ stopped and let out a relieved sigh. Not that he cared for any anyone or anything. It was a good thing Applejack was always cautious and wise about all her decisions. Well, without the occasional lapse of judgement and priorities anyhow.
“Does my crown no longer count now that I have been imprisoned for a thousand years?” as she said this, she went over to where Fluttershy was hovering with her birds and scared them both frightfully so. Fluttershy looked away and was trembling before her.
“Did you not recall the legend?” the mare said as she turned her attention towards Rarity. Her black void of a mane somehow was corporal and started to rub Rarity’s chin. It was a simple, yet disturbing action. Then once again a lone voice shouted out from the crowd.
“I did. And I know who you are. You're the Mare in the Moon – Nightmare Moon!” the star student of Princess Celestia said. The whole room gasped expect JJ.
He was the one who let out a disappointed groan.
Now his headline was pretty much rendered invalid. All that work was for nothing. He took solace in the fact that he wouldn’t have to print a retract if all of this occurred tomorrow. If only Twilight Sparkle really was crazy. At least now there was something to replace his now defunct headline.
“Well well well, somepony who remembers me. Then you also know why I'm here.” Nightmare Moon said. She shot a glare at Twilight.
“You’re here to...to..” Twilight stammered out. JJ wished that she would just spit it out. He needed a quote for the newspaper that would appear in the morning.
“Remember this day, little ponies, for it was your last. From this moment forth, the night will last forever!” Nightmare exclaimed as she let out a mad laughter that shook the hall. Her mane started to grow in size and started to swirl out to the roof as lightning was summoned unto the room, creating an unnatural storm of fear and intimidation.
All the ponies were terrified and were ready to flee in terror. JJ himself was speechless. Not because he was scared, not because he wanted to run.
But because Nightmare Moon’s plan was the dumbest idea he had ever heard.
There were just so many flaws in it. He doubted that Nightmare had taken longer than maybe lunch to come up with it and didn’t think of what the cons would be. Hell, just the buck were the pros?
It would annihilate most life on the planet. Plants needed the the sunlight to perform photosynthesis. Without that, most of the plants would wither out an die. Entire species of flora and fauna would be wiped out right there. This would cause herbivores, such as the ponies, to starve to death. Any plants that would survive would be too few to sustain an entire species. Eventually herbivores would die out leaving carnivores without a large part of their diet. Inevitably they’d die out also from the lack of food. An eternal night would cause the total death of life on the planet.
Then there’s the counterpoint. Ponies were obviously advanced enough to come up with their own ways to grow plants, so then if an eternal night did occur, they’d simply just use artificial sunlight and magic. True there’d have to be rationing, but ponies would be okay. Ponies would even care enough for wild animals to leave food out for them. Then the carnivores would be just fine anyhow.
You knew your plan was stupid when it either: A) Caused all life on the planet to die a slow painful death. Or B) Have no effect whatsoever on anything.
This wasn’t just dumb. This was on a higher level of insanity than Carnage suffered from. Even The Scorpion would back out at this point. This was Saturday Morning Cartoon Villain level of stupidity. Jameson had enough of this. Besides, how would he know when to send out fresh papers?
JJ stepped out from the crowd while pushing away dazed ponies. Now was in front of the balcony that Nightmare Moon was on. The ponies in the crowd were stupefied and rooted at their spots, waiting to see what Byline would do. Some wanted to pull him back to the crowd. Some were too terrified to do it, and others were just too slow to make a move before the Mare on the Moon spoke.
“Finally, it would seem as though one pony has finally decided to once again accept me as their Princess of the night” the mare said as she looked down at him. JJ simply had a look of neutrality on him.
“Pray tell, what is your name, my loyal subject?” she asked with a slight malicious laugh.
“Name’s Byline, I’m the Editor for the Daily Bugle, the only source of news in this whole town” He said. His face and voice hinted no fear for her. If anything he seemed...annoyed.
“Ah ha, a Town Crier! You must spread word of my return, so that all may know that their benevolent Princess has returned to their lives!” she said with a slight hint of glee. Her eyes examined the stallion closely.
“But before you do that, bow before your Princess!” she said.
Jameson looked at her. Then towards the crowd. Everyone was deftly quiet. The only sound heard was the occasional thunderclap from the mare-made storm. Even then a pin drop could be heard from across the room. Jameson spotted Twilight with her mouth wide open, stunned in shock that someone would just go right up to Nightmare Moon. JJ looked back at Nightmare Moon and parted his lips.
“How about one word? No” he stated bluntly. The ponies behind him couldn’t believe their ears. What was at first a calm and polite mare instantly turned into a vision of something that matched her moniker.
“NO?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO?!” she said with fury. Her mane swirled even faster and her teeth clenched. Lightning bolts rained down on spots next to JJ, as if it were commanding Jameson to kneel down.
“Would you prefer two words? Buck No! How about ten words? I would never bow down to a tyrant like you! Or maybe 46 words?!” Jameson then took a deep breath before continuing. This may of been the dumbest move he’d make in his life, and it might be the last move he’d make.
“The only sections of my newspaper I’d put you in is the either the comics or the classified ads! Your level of idiocracy is funny in a sad way, and it’s obvious you need a life coach to help with that low self-esteem problem of yours!” he finished yelling. The entire room gasped once again. Jameson was man of integrity in both print and life. He never bowed before anyone as a human, and he wasn’t going to start now as a pony. He stood defiantly before Nightmare Moon.
The black mare turned red. Her anger boiled and she let out a mighty scream that made the thunder seem like the cries of kittens. She bellowed that scream of hers and it made the hairs on all the ponies stand on end. She offered no retort, no reply, only the constant stream of force from her throat. Jameson turned around and started to trot towards the door. Nightmare Moon finally formed a sentence.
“How dare you turn your back on me!” she shrieked. Jameson did not turn around, he only made a simple counter:
“Sorry, but I have to write about how a Lunatic came back from the moon”
Nightmare Moon’s barrier shattered. If this Stallion wasn’t going to respond to threats, then surely he’d respond to force..
Using her powers she focused on several simultaneous lightning strikes to converge into one mega bolt. The air grew stale as the bolt charged it. Metallic objects throughout the room trembled as they were magnetized. The manes and tails of all the ponies started to lift up in the air as the electrons tried to find an escape. All this power, all this destructive force was directed unto one focal point.
The Editor of the Daily Bugle.
About 90,000 Amps attacked JJ. Or at least he thought it poured through him, for in all honesty he lost all feeling and consciousness the moment the tip of the bolt hit him. His body may of shook like a rag doll, it may of smelt like burnt bacon, or it might simply not exist anymore. He didn’t know, for all he could see was his memories.
It was strange how the mind prefers familiarity, especially if the familiarity was events that had already unfolded.
Jameson threw the stick of the lollipop off the side of the road. Every last lick was like another moment of bliss, but it didn’t have much substance. He had been in this strange land for about half a day and at this point he was getting hungry. He assumed that ponies didn’t eat meat, but he also assumed people didn’t become ponies. Today was a day of discovery.
Then he spotted it. Off the path was what looked like a farm. The trees had hanging fruit on them, and the fields were plowed in straight lines with various vegetables such as carrots and cabbage. On top of the tallest hill there stood a what seemed like a strange mixture of both a barn and a home.
Jameson hopped over a fence and went to the nearest tree. Red apples hung from the branches. He wasn’t much of an apples person, but dire circumstances called for desperate measures.
JJ reached for an apple. Or rather he tried to. The tree was pretty small, but even when he used the trunk as support he couldn’t reach an apple. Jameson tried to think of a way to reach the apples when a voice with a slight southern twang interrupted his thoughts.
“Ahh hope you plan on payin’ for dat”
Jameson turned around and there by the fence stood an orange pony. This one didn’t have wings, just like Pinkie didn’t. Her mane was a blond in color and seemed to be wrapped in a ponytail. Her coat was a warm tanned orange, and her face was lined with freckles. On top of her head was one of those hats that cowboys wore on those old black and white westerns JJ saw when he was a kid. She wore a saddle and on that saddle hung a few bags and a few buckets.
At least he wasn’t the only one that wasn’t naked around here. “Sorry t’ say, but thar’s no free samples aroun’ here” she said as she stepped closer to JJ. Jameson knew that he was caught, but he wasn’t going to admit that anytime soon.
“Your tree looked like it was diseased. I was just checking it” he said with utmost authority. Even he rolled his eyes at his obvious lie.
“Tree Checker, huh? Got a badge?” she questioned as she eyed him suspiciously.
“I left it in my other necktie” he said sarcastically. There wasn’t any point in continuing this game of make believe.
“Listen, is there something I can do to maybe pay for some apples?” he stated. He may of been a deprived editor always looking for the most sensational headline, but that didn’t mean he was a thief.
The orange pony continued eyeing him. Nothing about the stallion seemed dangerous. He seemed older that her by a few decades if the wrinkles on his face meant anything. Despite his age, he was a little shorter than the average stallion. After her quick examination, the mare gave him a command.
“Turn aroun’ an’ show me yer flank” she said as she made a motion with her hoof to indicate him to turn his back.
…
…
“I didn’t mean that kind of payment!” JJ yelled indignantly. Applejack was floored by this sudden outburst and shouted back at him with a slight blush on her face.
“Ah meant show me yer cutie mark!”
JJ was now confused. First this pony wanted sexual favors and now she wanted to see, what was it? Cutie Mark? Sounded like something a 5 year old would call it a tramp stamp Regardless, this orange pony was starting to creep him out a bit.
“Cah’nt exactly hire yah if I dun know whut yer talent is”
“What do you mean “my talent”?”
“Everypony has some sorta special talent, dummy. Now ya gonna show me yer mark?”
Something about the mare made him trust her. She just seemed...honest. But still, this wasn’t the time to be making friends.
“Promise you’re not gonna try and make me squeal like a pig?” he asked. Obviously the reference went right over the mare’s head, but the mare assumed that making him squeal was probably something bad.
“I uhh, I promise” she said. JJ let out a sigh and turned his back towards the mare and stuck out his ass. Now this was just humiliating. The orange pony looked at the Jameson’s cutie mark and tried to analyze it. She didn’t understand it at all.
“So...whut does it mean?” she asked. JJ turned his neck to examine his mark. The symbol seemed extremely familiar.
There was a crimson diamond that was centered on his flank. The diamond however, was not colored in. What filled the crimson diamond was the stylized picture of a brass musical instrument that faced towards JJ’s face.
His Cutie Mark was the old logo for the Daily Bugle. Back when he first joined the paper.
The sound of chirping birds awoke JJ. He cracked open his eyes and felt soreness throughout his body. It was if he went ten rounds with Grizzly. Jameson tried to lift a hoof when every muscle in that portion of his body screamed out in pain. He put the hoof back down. It looked like he wasn't going to get out of bed anytime soon.
At least it seemed like his bed was especially comfortable this day. JJ made a slight effort to drape his body further with his purple blanket. JJ nearly drifted into a state of slee when a sudden look of confusion overtook his face.
He didn’t own a purple blanket.
Memories coursed through his mind like the electricity that flowed through his body when the lighting struck him.
He was definitely not at the Celebration anymore. Gone was the grand room and all the decorations, and in their place was a small room that was sparsely adorned. He was laying on a comfortable medium sized bed and was draped by a purple blanket that he most definitely did not own. His head was held by a white pillow and above his head was a lamp presumably for reading. There was a nightstand with a lamp on top to his right, and to his left there was a panel with what looked like a microphone attached with a wire. A door was in front of the bed. There was also an open window that let the sunlight in.
Sunlight
“Well, nice to see that insane mare didn't succeed” Jameson thought to himself. The events of his last conscious thoughts came back to him. He remembered a huge flash of light that came from behind him and then his body froze for a split second, no pain or discomfort, just something that made his muscles refuse to cooperate. Then nothing but darkness.
The wind blew and from the floor came pieces of scattered paper. They must have been on the nightstand at one point but the wind must of blown them away. The papers floated in the air for a few moments before resting on JJ’s bed. He took a glance at them and noticed they were those standard “Get Well Cards” that people gave each other when they were too lazy to visit in person. Looked like ponies were the same.
In total there were about a dozen cards in all.
The first card screamed that it was made by Pinkie Pie. It wasn't because it was made of pink paper, it wasn't because the entire thing was saturated with glitter, but it was because right on the cover it read:
HEY BYLINE, HOPE YOU GET BETTER SOON SO I CAN THROW YOU A “YOU GOT BETTER” PARTY!
P.S. SORRY YOU MISSED YOUR “HOPE YOU GET BETTER” PARTY! I WANTED TO BRING YOU TO THE PARTY BUT TWILIGHT SAID THAT WOULDN’T BE A GOOD IDEA!
P.P.S. DO YOU LIKE VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE?
JJ did his best to put the card aside on the nightstand, a little disgruntled that some of the glitter was now on the blanket and now on one of his hooves. His body was healing a bit more and the act of moving some parts of his body wasn’t so painful anymore. He further examined the rest of the cards.
The second card had a careful design. On the front was a charming crayon drawing of the local schoolhouse and the standard “get well soon” on top of it. The inside had a message with neat penmanship, obviously not from the foals that attended the school. The message said the following:
“From all the young and growing scholars of the Ponyville Schoolhouse, thank you for that spectacular demonstration of courage and grit in the visage of peril exigency. We all hope that your plight will improve to exceptional in time. -Ms. Cheerliee, Abecedary of the Ponyville School”
It was obvious to JJ that it was an excuse for a vocabulary lesson for the foals. The entire message could've been simplified to:
“All my students hope you get better and thanks for standing up to Nightmare Moon. -Ms. Cheerilee, teacher who likes to incorporate get well cards into her curriculum”
Ponies didn’t use the words, “visage”, “exigency”, “Abecedary”, as well as other five dollar words that were in the message in everyday conversation. Jameson imagined Cheerilee writing the words on the board as she wrote them on the paper and asking the class if they knew what their meaning was. Then there’d be a quiz with the full get well message with questions along the lines of:
6. What does the word “Plight” mean? A) A bad situation B) A dog C) Parts of a body D) Just give me the F
The paper was also filled with the messy signatures of presumably the students in the class. Jameson recognized some of the names like Applebloom and Sweetie Bell, but the other ones he didn’t know. Silver Spoon was probably just some rich foal, and Featherweight was probably just some scrawny colt or filly. James was confident he was correct in his assumptions.
Another point of interest to JJ was names in Equestria. On Equestria, names perfectly described who a pony was.
Fluttershy was aptly named not because of who she was, but because she is. Fluttershy perfectly describes a wavering little Pegasus that didn’t like flying so much. Big McIntosh was indeed large and he worked with apples. Mr. Carrot Cake and Mrs. Cup Cake was something that didn’t need any explanation.
Imagine having a newborn foal that was vanilla cream colored and had a pink mane. Was Fluttershy really something that would jump to your mind? Ditzy Doo was also another interesting point of contention. Just how would her parents know that she would be so clumsy? Perhaps ditzy meant something entirely different to them, but the coincidence was just too big to be...well, a coincidence.
Some names were understandable at the time such as Rainbow Dash. Her name obviously came from her rainbow mane and perhaps her parents were also speed freaks. The Apple family name was also another obvious one. If every member of the family somehow dealt with apples in a way, then you weren't going to name your foal Pear Share. Pinkie Pie was...pink. And of course Byline was just what came to JJ’s mind at the time.
Though this also brought an interesting question. Did ponies act the way they were so they could live up to their name? Would Rainbow Dash be so competitive if she was named Rainbow Lax? Would Fluttershy be so timid if she was given the moniker of Thunder Keg? Maybe Lyra Heartstrings would play a very different tune if her name was Viola Bowstrings.
Perhaps a name really was what made a pony. Maybe a pony strives to live up to their name and their talent correlated to who they were. A Cutie Mark was merely the stamp of a perfect mold, a paragon that embodied a structure of letters.
If so, then a pony’s fate was decided on the moment of their birth. Their personality, their dreams, and their future was defined right there and then.
Say a stallion named Dewey finds out that he doesn’t like organizing libraries. Maybe he finds that his passion is in baking. But there would be no way he could find employment in baking, after all his cutie mark clearly shouts to the world that he is a librarian. He couldn’t find employment and it’d be either going back to something he hates, or simply starving to death.
A pony did not make their own life, they merely followed a destiny. Life wasn’t an adventure, it was a ride that only went one path. The most disturbing part was that names seemingly also made an impact in Jameson’s own world.
Dr. Otto Octavius was changed from a brilliant scientist who worked for the good of humanity into an insane madman with eight limbs. Was it simply a coincidence his name matched with what he became? Dr. Stephen Strange was a neurosurgeon before he casted his hands into that occult mambo jumbo, something certainly strange indeed. And even that mutant terrorist Magneto was once known as Erik Eisenhardt. If he learned anything from German classes back in High school, it was that esien meant iron. Fitting for a man who manipulates magnetism.
Equestria and Earth had more in common than JJ cared to admit. Maybe Destiny was something that ran common no matter where you were.
It was a grim answer that Jameson did not like pondering too much. He liked to think that he made himself, that everything that happened in his life was by his work. There was no chain of that bounded him, he was unfettered by such nonsense such as fate and destiny.
To accept such a thing as destiny was to accept that there was no such thing as free will.
Jameson examined more of the cards. Most of the others were just from citizens of Ponyville who wished him better health and yadda yadda yadda. There was one that caught his attention however.
It wasn’t so much as a card, but rather a letter. The paper was exceptionally fine and smooth. It was dyed a dark blue that entranced the eyes and made one forget their worries. On one corner of the paper was a sketched crescent moon using different shades of black and white to make it magnificent.
The most strange part of the letter was that the writing was scratchy and archaic, as if from some forgotten tongue spoken long ago and only now was it being used to speak once again. It read:
“To the most Courageous Subject known as Byline,
We would wish to offer thou our most sincere apology.
-By the Grace of Princess Luna”
“Princess Luna? Never heard of her” Jameson thought to himself. There were other lands besides the Kingdom of Equestria, perhaps she was royalty of a foreign kind? He would have mused over this stranger more, but then the sound of trotting came to his ears.
The door in front of the bed opened up to reveal six figures. It was a strange group of mares, or rather individually they were perfectly normal but all of them together at once was a strange sight. The six who stood in the doorway was Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie. Miss Pie was the first to shout.
“OH BOY, NOW WE CAN THROW YOUR YOU GOT BETTER PARTY!” she yelled as she bounced around the bed. The other had a more subdued, but still joyous tone.
“Nice t’see yer okay now” Applejack stated. She was soon joined by Rarity.
“Yes, it is joyful that your condition has improved”
They all surrounded the bed with warm smiles plastered onto their expressions. The expression plastered on Jameson’s face was annoyance. He didn’t ask for any of their attention, and he didn’t even know where he was.
“Just where in the buck am I?!” he exclaimed. A few of them stepped back from this sudden outburst while the others stood firm, knowing all too well that JJ’s temper was like a light switch. Twilight answered his question.
“After NIghtmare Moon struck you with that lightning bolt, you were knocked out cold. Some ponies took you to the ponyville hospital and you've been knocked out for about two days”
“TWO WHOLE DAYS?!” screamed Jameson. A lot could happen in 48 hours, a lot that JJ could've reported. It wasn’t so much that Jameson was knocked out for that long, but rather that he accomplished nothing in two days.
“Maybe we should have your hearing checked while you’re here also!”
“No Ms. Pie, I don't need my hearing checked, I need to get out of this madhouse!” Jameson said. The sooner he was out of here, the sooner he could get back to work. Then a question came to JJ’s mind.
“Say, what happen to that dark mare anyhow? I’m assuming the Royal Guard put her down for disorderly conduct and hauled her off to prison. Her plan was insane, but her heart was in the right place” JJ said sarcastically. Twilight once again answered his question.
“Oh don’t worry, we defeated her” she said nonchalantly with a familiar air of arrogance. JJ raised an eyebrow.
“We’re talking about the same mare that made thunder clouds and shouted the paint off walls, right?” Jameson refused to believe that the six mares would be able to harm a living being.
“We certainly showed her what for!” cheered Rarity.
“Yeah, we’re just awesome like that” said Rainbow Dash as she hovered in the air. It was obvious that none of them were lying to him. A few minutes ago JJ’s brain was shut down, and now it was starting to shut down again due to how unbelievable that six seemingly sweet mares could somehow annihilate a powerful alicorn. It was just inconceivable.
“What...exactly happened?” JJ was in a state where he wasn’t in control of his actions. Now his mind and body was driving him forward for the sole purpose to gather information. There was a variable that was unexplained, an enigma without a solution, a joke missing a punchline.
The six of them took an hour to explain their little adventure to him. They started with when the mayor ordered for the Royal Guards to attack Nightmare Moon only to be swatted away with lightning. The tale continued with Twilight Sparkle explaining to the group what the Elements of Harmony was and when they journeyed through the Everfree Forest. Each told their own personal tale of how they overcame trials and reached the old Royal Palace. Then their story reached its climax when the Elements of Harmony united and vanquished the evil within Princess Luna to free her. Well that explained where the note came from.
All and all, it was a pretty corny story filled with cliches of friendship, love, and all that other stuff that mothers used to get their kids in bed. Jameson remained silent while the six told their tale, but multiple times JJ almost gagged at how sickeningly sweet it was. Now it was JJ’s turn to speak.
“A good bedtime story, but you all acted reckless and stupid” JJ calmly said. Applejack and Rainbow Dash gave him an angry glare.
“What da ya mean reckless? We saved all a’ Ponyville, heck probably the entire world!” Applejack said in a defiant tone.
“You all should've just waited for the proper authorities to handle it! There were times during your trips all of you could've gotten hurt, or even worse!” Jameson shot back.
“What’s the deal? We found a way to beat Nightmare Moon and we took it!” replied Rainbow Dash.
“Then you should've told Princess Celestia and let the Royal Guard solve the situation. Those ponies are trained to risk their lives and get out of it unharmed. You six are just a bunch of dumb kids who read a legend and tried to reenact it!”
“Why I never!” stated Rarity as she looked away in indignation. Fluttershy started to whimper slightly but put on a brave face.
“I-it’s okay, no one was hurt in the end” she stammered out. This continued to infuriate JJ.
“It’s now about the fact that no one was hurt, it’s the fact that all of you COULD have been hurt. There was no point in putting yourselves in danger at all! Like when you confronted that Chimera. You didn’t know there was a thorn under its paw. So what if there really wasn’t? Then you would of been torn apart by it!” he yelled at her. Pinkie Pie jumped into the argument.
“I think someone is just a little cranky after waking up” She said while give off a bright smile.
“No Pinkie, I’m perfectly sober. I’m just angry that you all didn’t know better then just go risking your lives for something that might not even have existed!” he replied.
“Well I’m sorry Byline, but I’m sure the Princess will give us more responsibilities and anytime there’s trouble in Ponyville you can bet that we’ll deal with it. C’mon girls, I think Byline needs a little time to himself” Twilight said as if she were scolding a child who just had a temper tantrum. She started to gallop out of the room. The others followed suit, some giving him a dirty look while others just quietly went away.
Jameson collapsed on the bed. He was simply angry. He was angry that they didn’t wait for the proper authorities to handle the situation, he was angry that the ponies risked their young lives, and he was angry he wasn’t there to stop them.
But he was angry with himself also. Even with all his shouting and yelling, there was no way he would be able to convince them to stop being so reckless now. They would go searching for their next adrenaline fix, their next adventure. Worse yet, they were turning into a bad influence.
The problem with vileaglentes was that it encouraged other people to take justice in their own hands. No need for laws or courtrooms, if you had a gun or a mob then you would decided what was right or wrong. If there was one person running around and making the laws, then other people would get into their heads that it’s alright to bash in another person’s skull if he looks at you funny.
The other problem with vileaglentes was that they took the spotlight away from the real heroes. People like policemen, firefighters, and rescue workers risked their lives everyday to help people, only to get bumped off the front page by some “hero” in shiny spandex and wearing a thin mask.
More often than not those so called heroes weren't at a risk at all. Stopping a bank robbery sure is easy when you can just freeze the whole place cold. Saving people from a burning building looks much more simply when you can fly. But the real heroes, the people without actual powers were the ones truly taking chances. Police, not masked freaks.
That wasn’t to say that JJ was against all superheroes. He supported any initiatives that forced super powered individuals to answer to a higher power. He supported that group of mutants known as the X-Men and the Avengers. The X-Men answered to the reasonable pacifistic man known as Professor X, and the Avengers answered to the US Government. Everyone knew who the members were by a quick Google search.
A secret identity was just a way to get out of responsibility. You can’t get in trouble with the law if no one knows who you are. If you really are helping people out, then you have nothing to hide.The only people who needed a mask were the villains who harmed and killed the innocent. Those should be the people wearing the dumb capes and threatening masks.
All of that was what Jameson was putting in print for years. But now...now he might just put it into circulation in Equestria.
A thought came to JJ’s head. If he couldn't convince them to leave being a hero to the professionals, then maybe all of Ponyville could. JJ rummaged through the drawers of the nightstand until he found what he was searching for, a pen He took one of the cards he was given and started to write. Before the afternoon was threw, he had a rough draft of tomorrow's article.
Ponyville- On the day of the Summer Sun Celebration, an entirely different event took place. A mystical entity known as Nightmare Moon attempted to create an eternal night. Fortunately she was swiftly defeated and order was restored. Of course all you ponies have already heard of this. RIght now I want to focus on the unforeseen consequences of that night.
True while those six brave ponies vanquished Nightmare Moon, let us not forget the consequences of their action.
Now they are burdened with the heavy responsibilities that they will now take upon themselves. Just who gave them these responsibilities? No one but themselves. You see by defeating Nightmare Moon, they have opened the floodgate within their own mind to act out hero fantasies. To seek out problems where none exist.
There is nothing wrong with being a hero, nothing wrong to stand up against adversity. It is when you put yourself in needless danger is when it’s terrible. There are ponies that are trained to deal with situations such as the one with Nightmare Moon, Let those ponies utilize their training and properly handle those situations. What next while they take into their own hooves? Hostage Rescue? Stampede Prevention? Getting rid of a rude dragon? Let us take a look closer examination of our new heroes.
Twilight Sparkle is a borderline diagnosis of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder as well as a sufferer of Severe Anxiety Disorder. She also seems to lack common sense that many foals are born with.
Pinkie Pie is a mare that hardly treats anything with the air of seriousness it deserves. She is also one of the most nosy mares and will stop at nothing to learn every secret a pony has. Everyone has to be her friend, whether they like it or not.
Rarity knows nothing of combat or of the finer art of offense or defense. She would sooner panic at her hooves getting mud on them then a friend in need.
Applejack is a pony whose schedule only allows a few moments of her time to be devoted to others. Her most defining character trait is how stubborn she is. Her way is always the best way and it must always be followed to the letter.
Fluttershy is a meek little pony that needs the constant support of others. One mean look can throw her into a state of panic. She isn’t the first to charge at the enemy, not the last to charge at the enemy, and is nowhere near the enemy. Hardly suitable for a defender of the land.
Rainbow Dash’s speed is only matched by her arrogance. The whole world is nothing more than competition, something for her to beat and later ridicule. Bragging is her battle cry, and she won’t be sated until she thinks she is superior to every other pony.
Are these really the ponies that should be defending anyone? Not those who have devoted their lives serving other and know the true meaning of honor and duty?
It should also be noted that they are now a corrupting influence, swaying others to follow their example of carelessness for their own safety as well as others. Think of the foals that will disobey their parents to go off on some crusade for one reason or another. Think of the younger mares and stallions who pursue impossible dreams only to met by disappointment and heartbreak when cold hard reality crashes upon them. The worst form of arrogance is the form where it spreads upon the unwary mind of others. It is a corruption that refuses to die.
It is obvious to this reporter that this can only end badly. They will get into more and more so called “adventures” until one day they will get seriously hurt. Then the cycle will continue on, not learning from their mistakes until eventually something even worse will happen. Then we will have no one to blame but ourselves for not preventing it.
We all must ban together and convince them that yes, what they did was brave, but it was also foolhardy and above all thoughtless. Respond to nonsense with reason. Only we can save those who saved us.
Jameson stopped writing and took a moment to admire his work. He had no idea how all of Ponyville would react to his harsh words, but he knew for certain the six of whom he wrote about would not take his little bit of smearing well. He didn’t write any outright lies or slender.
After all slander is the spoken word, this would be considered libel.
Hopefully by tomorrow morning he would have it printed and distributed throughout all of Ponyville. He had to make sure all of Ponyville would look at the six of them not with awe, but rather disapproval. He alone wouldn’t be able to save them, but maybe public opinion could. This wasn’t news nor was it journalism. He wouldn't make them famous, he would make them infamous.
It was the afternoon and JJ was patiently typing away at his typewriter. He’d be out on the field hunting for stories, but today he was hoping that somepony might give his office a visit. Somepony who actually read his attack on the six ponies he targeted the day before. So far it looked like very few ponies cared about what he had to say. Scratch that, no pony cared for what he had to say.
He was about to call it quits and go out when suddenly the front door of his office slammed open with a loud thud. In marched a lone figure. Finally, somepony angry he could talk to. And to top it all of, one of the targets he took a shot at too.
In the doorway stood a white pony who had a purple mane and perhaps a bit too much eyeliner this day. Her voice definitely had a bit too much anger in it.
“Mr. Byline, just what is this?!” she screamed out. A copy of the morning edition of the Daily Bugle floated with magic above her head. JJ took one glance at her and went back to his typewriter.
“Well if your makeup didn’t blind you everyday, you’d plainly see that the object you have is called a newspaper” he stated calmly. This served only to make her more angry.
“Of course I know what this is, what I wish to know is why it’s filled with nothing but slander!”
“Libel” he stated as his typewriter rang.
“What?!”
“Libel. It’s called slender if it’s spoken word” he said as the ding off his typewriter went off. Rarity realized that frustration wasn’t going to take her anywhere with this brute of a reporter.
“Fine. Tell me why this so-called newspaper is filled with nothing but lies”
“A newspaper is only filled with the truth. And things that connect those truths. What I print is only honesty” he replied back.
“Then what of this?”, she said as she levitated the paper in front of her.
“I quote, Rarity knows nothing of combat or of the finer art of offense or defense, unquote” she stated with a hint of smirk on her face, thinking she had trapped JJ in his own lie.
“I don’t see any lies, just the facts. Do you know how to disarm a thug? Do you know the proper way to hold a shield? Do you have the knowledge of swinging a sword or lance?” another ding on JJ’s typewriter went off. A hint of frustration flashed on Rarity’s face.
“Why I never! What you printed was simply hurtful to the six of us! Let’s be civil Byline, nopony needs to hurt one another through actions or written word” she said with utmost indignation.
JJ finally took his eyes off the typewriter and looked at Rarity. She was in the same situation that countless many others have been in. Trying to make a newspaper make a retraction.
Whether it be politicians, concerned parents, or just someone who didn’t like what a newspaper said, they’d all run into the same iron clad stubborn attitude that all newspaper possessed when it came to retractions.
The very act a retraction one signalled to readers that not enough research went into the very process of creating an informative article was not taken. Or that a newspaper was easily swayed.
A newspaper’s very purpose was to inform the public of the latest news and happenings. If they were reported incorrectly, then there’d be no good reason for a newspaper to exist in the first place. A newspaper is just rags that have words printed on them, but it’s those words that hold meaning. Admitting you were wrong was the equivalent of admitting taking all that time and money to print words was all for nothing. Sure, an edition of a newspaper may correct mistakes that the previous edition made, but those were only typos. Creating a retraction destroyed any and all credibility that a news source built up in years. All those decades of work would crumble in a matter of hours.
Worse still if a retraction was printed only because of pressure. The secondary purpose of a newspaper was to print things that no one else had the guts to say. It’s one thing to think that the government didn’t do its job, it’s another to outright say it. Plus your name got to be printed at the top of the article in a nice neat font. No human or pony wanted to read a newspaper that could easily be convinced to say one thing or another. If you didn’t have a solid stance, then you had no right to make contact with the pen to the paper.
In the end a newspaper was only the regurgitation of yesterday’s public. Vomit that was in an easy to read format. Admitting any wrongdoing was suicidal, and caving into pressure was just stupid.
“No Miss. Rarity, you’re right. There’s no need to be uncivil” he stated. Rarity was about to put on a cocky grin until JJ continued to speak.
“Which is why I want you out of my office!” he shouted as he also ripped the paper out of his typewriter with one his hooves.
“I will do no such thing until you print a retraction taking back all the lies you wrote on us, especially on I!” she stated as she stomped one hoof for emphasis. Both of them exchanged glares.
“You have two options right now, Miss. Rarity. Either you leave my office right now, which may I add is private property, or I’ll put this in tomorrow morning’s edition!” he yelled as he held the paper in front of him. He wasn’t going to get out of his seat. If anyone was going to leave, it was going to be her. Besides, his seat was comfortable.
Rarity let out a small growl and levitated the paper away from Jameson. She started to read the words.
RARITY: ELEMENT OF TANTRUMS Byline, Editor-In-Chief Daily Bugle
Ponyville- It was a quiet afternoon in Ponyville. The keyword is “was”. It pains this editor to inform the public that promptly in the afternoon one of the element of harmony known as Rarity bludgeoned down the door of the Daily Bugle office.
Her intention of harm was made immediately clear in her bitter disposition. Her purpose, or rather what could be made clear from her anger dipped word was to threaten the Daily Bugle to retake all the words of truth that had been printed that morning. Her purpose was to withhold the truth from the fair public as well as annihilate dissenting opinions.
Obviously she wishes for reality to bend to her own will., to shape and form it just as a sculptor carves a masterpiece out of a block of marble. The only difference however is that reality isn’t some slab of rock for her to cut and choose what to keep or destroy.
The truth will always be revealed, it can not be hidden away or destroyed. I’m sorry to say this Miss. Rarity, but your attempt to oppresses reality has failed. Your harassment has only made me more steadfast in my defense of free word and thought.
Now please leave my office.
If Jameson were a lesser stallion, he would be radiating a smile of pure malevolence and sadistic joy. But he was greater than that, and so he had to settle for a small grin.
If Rarity was a lesser mare, she would be grinding her teeth and have a stare that would make a manticore give pause. Which is what she did.
“Humph, first Twilight’s terrible indecision, and now this” she grumbled to herself.
She let out one last frustrated growl and turned around to stomp out of the office. As she left the building, the front door was manipulated by her unicorn magic and was slammed with enough force to take out a limb.
And for a split second, JJ was a lesser stallion.
That was until the roar of a crowd tore through his office. JJ jumped out of his seat and then the forces of gravity gave him a prompt lecture whereas Jameson was forced back to the ground in a loud thump.
Jameson rushed towards the door. His newspaper always got a reaction, but never one as large as this. From the sound of it, the whole town was up in arms against him. Had his article really caused that big of an uproar?
He hoped to sooth the lynch mob before anything serious would happen,. but he noticed something strange as he drew nearer towards the door. The shriek of the crowd wasn’t so much as yelling, but rather...cheering?
Outside the library was a crowd of about 23 mares and one Spike. A few of them were throwing Twilight up in the air as Pinkie sang a song. Twilight didn’t seem to enjoy this activity (which was soon turning typical of her behavior), and Pinkie didn’t care in the slightest (which was already typical).
“-utest, smartest, all around best pony, pony!” Pinkie sang out.
“Pinkie” Twilight said as she was in mid air. Jameson got nearer towards the crowd as Pinkie continued her tune.
“I bet if I throw a super-duper fun party, party!” she continued.
“Pinkie” Twilight said flatly once again. Jameson reached Spike.
“Hey, mind telling me why there’s mob trying to send Twilight to the moon?” Jameson asked bluntly. Spike turned towards Jameson and gave him a reply.
“Twilight got two tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala and now her friends are fighting to see who gets the extra one!” he stated.
“Typical freinds” Jameson thought to himself as he rolled his eyes.
Friends were people who pretended to like you but would stab your back at a moment’s notice. The world of friendships was a web of fragile alliances and one way streets. Only children and saps put any real trust into friends.
The only people you should put an ounce of trust into were allies, people who actually had a mutual interest with you. Even then you should be weary of ulterior motives. It doesn’t take much for a warm smile to turn into a twisted grin. Just a few muscles and a bit of cash.
There were very few people that JJ considered a real “friend”. One of them was his, or rather former, Editor-In-Chief of the Daily Bugle back home. Robbie Robertson was a hardworking man who never let dollars get in the way of honor and integrity. He and JJ didn’t always see eye to eye, but in the end they always resolved their differences.
His second friend was his own secretary, Betty Brant. Always focused on the objective, and always there whenever JJ needed her. Betty had her own problems to sort out, but was a reliable worker and knew how to keep a secret and more importantly an opinion to herself.
Jameson would never admit it, but another person he would consider a friend was a little known photographer by the name of Peter Parker. The kid was one of the most messy, strange, and laziest punk he knew, but damn him if he didn’t think of him like a second son. In a way, Parker reminded JJ a lot about himself.
From what he heard from the idle conversations around the office, Parker wasn’t exactly the most popular kid in school. Both him and JJ were relentlessly bullied, but unlike Parker, JJ didn’t take it sitting down. If anyone in High School ever looked at him funny, they’d soon see stars. It was a shame that Parker was too big of a wimp to stand up for himself.
Both of them didn’t let a bad hand in life bring them down. Jameson came from an abusive household and no one thought he’d get anywhere with a journalism career. Parker started out with nothing and was slowly building himself up. Who knows, maybe one day Parker would be the one making news instead of taking photos of it.
Jameson showed his friendship in subtle ways. Occasionally he’d buy photos from Parker and not use them just to help him out a bit financially. Other times he’d give him advice that JJ wished he heard when he was Parker’s age. He saw potential in Parker, and just a speck of his past life also. Friendship was truly something should be limited only to a few individuals. If you have plenty of people that you consider a friend, then that’s only more opportunities to feel crushing betrayal and disappointment. The more trust you put in someone, the more vulnerable you are. And now Twilight was learning that lesson.
In all honesty, there was nopony he really considered a friend in Equestria. Ponies to speak to to avoid insanity yes, but not anyone he’d really confide in. The less he spoke to Ponies, the less of a chance of his cover being blown. He still had a ruse to keep up. On Earth he was John Jonah Jameson Jr, the publisher of the widely read Daily Bugle headquartered in the great city of New York, New York. On Equestria he was just Byline, the Editor-In-Chief of the little known Daily Bugle headquartered in the even more obscure town of Ponyville.
That wasn’t to say that JJ was worried about what would happen if the ponies found out. At worse he would be exiled about five feet from the city. The ponies were far too friendly to really harm any living being, well generally they were anyhow. There was a military, so there had to be some death in this world. However, he had yet to see any death in this world. Probably for the better.
“PINKIE!” Twilight screamed out. This stopped the other ponies from throwing her up in the air.
“Yes, Twilight?” Pinkie asked her, as if Twilight shouting her name was some great mystery of the ages.
“ At least the other ponies tried to be subtle about the ticket” Twilight shot at the pink mare.
“Wait, what ticket? What gala?” a random pony that probably had no impact on the greater world of Equestria questioned. Pinkie answered the pony who would never warrant a footnote in an elementary school history textbook.
“Oh, you didn't know? Twilight has an extra ticket to the Grand Galloping Gala!” This caused a feeding frenzy amongst the mares. All of them circled Twilight as if they were wolves that caught an unaware tender lamb. Greed and hunger filled their eyes as they all offered various items and services for the extra ticket.
Once you had something that everyone wanted, you were suddenly everyone’s best friend.
Spike ran from Jameson’s side and grabbed Twilight away from all the piranhas. They ran in one direction as all the ponies gave chase, all of them expect for Jameson. Public functions weren’t exactly Jameson’s forte. He hated people, and ponies were no exception. If it was sentient, then Jameson could hate it. Hell if it wasn’t sentient then Jameson would hate it too.
He trotted his way back to his office and went to work on the old typewriter once again. Maybe a headline on how a massive riot was caused because of Twilight. Yeah, that sounded good.
Then the front door of his office swung open and in came two figures, both of whom were purple, and in fact one of them was about to be JJ’s headline.
They both swung the door closed as fast as they opened it and looked out the small window. Spike spoke first.
“You think we lost them?” he asked.
“I don’t know, but we should be safe from those crazy mares for now” she said as they both panted from fatigue.
Jameson let out a not so subtle cough to alert them to his presence. Both of them spun around quickly, fearful that maybe a pony found them after all. Spike let out a sigh of relief when he realized it wasn't one of the vultures picking at their entrails. Twilight let out a small friendly chuckle.
“Hehe, mind if we hide out here for a bit?” she asked.
“Of Course, your friendly neighborhood reporter at your service” he said sarcastically and with a sour face.
Both of them either didn’t notice the demeaning tone or didn’t care, simply just grateful for a respite from the sudden fanatical zeal for a slip of paper. They walked over to Jameson to make friendly chit-chat. JJ hated chit-chat.
They spoke of how Twilight’s day went and JJ noted that she didn’t read the morning paper because she had to help Applejack out with something. Twilight told him everything about how the fight for the ticket was driving a rift between them all. Good news material. Spoke then questioned something.
“Say Byline, how come you’re not interested in the ticket?” Spike asked.
“And how come you’re not?” JJ questioned back.
“Well uhh...it’s umm...girly?” he told to Jameson. Spike looked away from JJ as if he had something to hide.
“Exactly. Mares excel at two things. One is finding ways to spend a lot of spending money, and two is finding ways to waste time” he said to Spike. Jameson wasn’t sexist by any stretch of the word, but he certainly have an opinion about anything and everything.
“BYLINE!” Twilight shouted at him. Sounded like somepony disagreed with his opinion.
“Don’t listen to him, Spike. I’ll have you know Byline that the Grand Galloping Gala is certainly not a waste of time. It’s filled with very important citizens of Equestria, and even the Princess attends!” she said.
“What exactly is the criteria for this shindig anyways?!” he shouted at her.
“First you have to...umm” her fierce tone was soon replaced with pondering.
“You ever been to this Gala?” he asked her.
“Well no...”
“Have you even been invited to one?”
“No, but that only means it’s VERY exclusive!” she said trying to defend herself.
“You’re the student of the Princess, and even you weren’t invited to the gala before?” Jameson let out a little chuckle.
“Maybe you’re not as close to her as you think” he said. This threw Twilight into a panic. Here eyes were like pinpricks and her breathing became erratic. She soon started to pace around the office with irregular hoof beats and started to mumble madly to herself.
“Ohnowhatifyou’rerightmaybeCelistiadoesn’tthinkI’mgoodenoguh” she said to herself. Spike looked alarmed.
“Twilight, are you okay?” he said worryingly. The purple mare did not acknowledge him.
“ImeanifshedidthinkIwasgood,shewouldofgivenmeaninvitationtotheGrandGallopingGalabeforenow” she contiued her mad ravings. Spike tried to stop her by grasping her tail, but he succeeded only in getting dragged along as Twilight paced about.
“Hey kid, you okay?” Jameson said, starting to get just slightly concerned. Again she failed to notice the presence of another being.
“Snap out of it, kid!” he yelled. Jameson didn’t imagine his snide comment would lead to the total shattering of a pony’s mind.
“Notgoodengouhnotgoodenoguhnotgoodenoughnotgoodenough” She repeated her mantra until eventually Jameson got tired of her ravings. He got off his seat and trotted over in front of her path to stop her.
“Listen, Twilight, you don’t need other people to tell you you’re good enough. I bet the Princess thinks you’re even better than what she wanted. But even if she didn’t, you’re the only one I see who thinks you’re not good enough” he said in a calm fatherly tone. In truth he was repeating a speech he gave to his own son when he contemplated quitting football. Just replace a few names and voila, a customized confidence speech. Twilight slightly broke out of her trance and looked up at Jameson with blank eyes. Even Spike looked over from behind Twilight curiously.
“You might be in a small jam right now, but if you can’t pick one and not make the rest of your friends angry, then they’re not really your friends. If they really are your friends then they’ll understand why you did it” he said. This finally broke Twilight out of her stupor. Princess Celestia’s student let out a small smile and a tiny tear drop.
“Didn’t know you had it in you, Byline!” Spike said.
“That's one of the most kindest things anypony has ever said to me!” she moved in to hug him.
This was bad. If there was something that JJ hated even more than people, it was when they got all touchy feely with him. It just filled him with disgust.
He was at an impasse. If he rejected the hug then she might fall into an even deeper despair and relapse into insanity. If he accepted the hug, then it’d be sending out the wrong signals. Sending signals that he tolerated her.
Then a sudden thought came to Jameson’s mind. All he would have to do was chase her out, that way she wouldn’t have time to think about what he just did and she’d forget all about the hug.
He rushed over to the window and opened it After a split second of scanning he saw the crowd of mares that were furiously searching for their prey.
“HEY, WHO WANTS A TICKET TO THE GRAND GALLOPING GALA?!” he screamed out to them. Immediately the crowd screamed back as if it were the howl of a predator that just spotted a defenseless bunny. Twilight and Spike were at first confused at this sudden turn of events, but that confusion was wisely replaced with fear and just like that those two ran out the same door they came in from. The wolf pack spotted them and soon continued the hunt.
JJ closed the window and went back to the typewriter. It was a somewhat enjoyable break, but there was still work to do. And now he even had some new tidbits for that work. The typewriter started to make its song of dings and rings, all the while Jameson gave it the notes for the concerto of news.
INDECISION LEADS TO INTOLERABLE ACTIONS, SIX MARES TO BLAME! Byline, Editor-In-Chief Daily Bugle
Ponyville- They say one things leads to another, and in this case it lead to an inferno of hate, misdirection, and riots. Last morning the newest resident of Ponyville, one Twilight Sparkle, received two fine tickets to the utterly exclusive event known famously as the Grand Galloping Gala. One of course was selfishly to herself, and the other one was up for grabs.
This was when Twilight Sparkle and her five friends decided that total anarchy was okay. They all fought for control of the ticket, revealing their inner true selves as they competed to see who could break the hearts and dreams of the other four. Here’s a highlight reel of the underhanded tactics used:
-Rainbow Dash, in a complete disregard for the weather regulations, opened up a hole in the sky from the rain for Twilight Sparkle during lunch. This violates the ethic and code of her position and showcases her empathy for others expect when it benefits her. Apparently any other pony caught in the rain that day was unimportant if a golden ticket wasn’t one of their belongings.
-Pinkie Pie decided the best way to get a ticket was tricking a crowd of ponies into doing her bidding and not sharing any of the potential bounty. This led to mass chaos and anarchy when the truth finally leaked out.
This could of been all avoided if Twilight Sparkle took charge and merely picked one of her so called “friends” to take the ticket. Instead she had the entire town of Ponyville riled up like a city of ticket scalpers. Choice isn’t always an easy thing to make, but we should be thankful to have that freedom of choice instead of sitting on it until it’s too late.
Hopefully by now Twilight Sparkle has made her choice. Her last choice of not making one cost the fair town of Ponyville very dearly.
It was done and ready to be printed for the morning edition. \He had his headline, and the supplementaries ready to print.
Jameson let out a yawn and stretched his limbs. If he was still a human, he could easily just stretch them one by one, but in the form of a pony he was forced to curve his back and hope for the best.
If there was one thing he missed about being a human, it was the fact that he really was J. Jonah Jameson. He didn’t hide who he was and he did his human things as a human.
As a pony he was exactly as he was as a human. Expect he was a pony. There just seemed something wrong pretending to be something you weren’t. Well expect he really was what he was pretending to be, but that was beside the point.
The greatest thing about being someone you were was that you didn’t have to follow a fake past. He was J. Jonah Jameson former Boy Scout who enjoyed boxing and photography. In his pony form he was Byline, a stallion whose special talent was reporting news and who doesn’t like to talk about his past very much. If you pressed him about it, his answers always seemed to change. Sometimes he was a reporter for a newspaper in Manehatten before he decided to start up his own paper in Ponyville. On other days he was a general store owner in Dodge Junction but one day had a mid-life crisis and turned his talents towards writing. And still on some days he was a resident of Canterlot but left when property taxes went through the roof.
Just like his own paper, Jameson had trouble keeping his stories straight. But it didn’t matter, as long as nopony compared notes, he would be in the safe. It wasn’t like anypony wanted to dig into the past of another pony. He was fine as long as he stayed away from huge gatherings and ponies who had good memories.
Before Jameson went upstairs to bed, he heard a knock at the door. Maybe someone decided to read the paper at night and wanted to voice his opinion in the middle of the night. JJ grumbled to himself. There were letters to the editor for a reason.
JJ made a slow trot to the door and opened it. Outside was Spike holding up a scroll with a red ribbon tying it closed. Jameson was slightly confused at the dragon’s wide smile it had.
“Why so happy, kid?” he asked Spike. Spike reached into his pocket...wait what.
He reached into the flap of skin that was on his torso to pull out a golden ticket. He explained to Jameson about how Twilight decided to return the tickets and was rewarded with additional tickets enough for all seven of them.
“Why the hell didn’t she just do that in the first place?!” he screamed internally in his mind. Then Spike outstretched the scroll to him.
“And after all of that we got a letter from the Princess. It was addressed to you, so I thought I’d come over and deliver it to you personally!” he stated, excitement from receiving a ticket leaking into his voice.
“Well it’s better than Ditzy delivering it” he said once again in his mind. He took the scroll from Spike and pondered giving the dragon a tip. He chose the wise action of not giving a tip and slammed the door in his face. How dare he interrupt his bed ceremonies.
Still there were more pressing matters at hand, like the scroll he just received. It was made of fine parchment and the ribbon that held it in place looked handcrafted. Opening it up would feel like destroying a fine piece of art.
He unfurled the scroll and out dropped a slip of yellow paper. Upon closer inspection it wasn’t yellow paper, but rather a golden ticket. JJ read the fine writing that was on the scroll. Obviously made by a unicorn’s magic. Only they could make letters seem so neat yet elegant without any mechanical help.
Dear Mr. Byline,
I know my dear sister has already written you an apology letter, but on behalf of all of Equestria, I would like to give our sincere apologies for the injuries you sustained. She would have written this letter for you, but she needs time to recuperate from the trials she had to endure.
I would also like to extend to you an invitation for the upcoming Grand Galloping Gala that will occur later in the year. I assure you it will be a very enjoyable night, and it will give my sister and I the opportunity to meet you personally. From what my student, Twilight Sparkle, has written about you, you are a very dedicated and outspoken reporter. Perhaps an exclusive interview is in order?
In truth I do not know very much about you, which puzzles me greatly. I know a great many ponies directly or indirectly over my time as ruler of Equestria, and yet your name slips my mind. Surely a story or two from such a notable newspaper editor must of entranced my eyes and ears once or twice, but my memory is drawing a blank. And I can I assure you that my memory is very good.
I look forward to meeting you at the Gala. I will simply not accept no as an answer.
JJ was pacing around his office while pondering on what next he could sensationalize. Nothing as usual happened lately. When the only notable things that occurred in town was a stampede by talking cows was stopped, a rude griffon stopping by, and an even more rude magician making an appearance, you know you’re in the middle of nowhere. Then he heard a sound.
At first JJ thought that the rumbling was merely a warning sign of his impending death by starvation. That was until the rumbling grew louder and the waves could be felt by his hooves. Stomachs, even those of equine nature, tended not to growl with the ferocity of a lion. Then he heard a familiar shout from out his window.
“Everypony run, it’s a monster!” shouted Miss. Heartstrings.
Jameson looked outside and confirmed that yes Indeed, there was a monster that was running amok on the stalls of the market. On closer inspection JJ noted that this monster had traits that were very familiar.
Its scientific name was Sphodromantis viridis but its close friends called it The Praying Mantis. It stood on four massive legs with its wings on top of its massive abdomen. Its two huge compound eyes changed direction every few seconds, looking for a meal. The two front limbs with its spiked clamps twitched, ready to grab prey. Sharp mandibles clicked repeatedly, making an impromptu funeral bell. All this fearsome power was put to the task of smashing up produce.
Perhaps the most defining trait about this particular specimen was that it was about as large as a fully grown stallion and was currently smashing everything in sight.
Carrots were getting sliced into tiny bits, cabbage limbs were gruesomely split from their source, and the radish intestines were flying every which way. Truly it was a scene fit for any vegetable B horror movie.
The many mares of Ponyville were panicking for quite a good reason and were running this way and that. Berry Punch closed her window (As if that would somehow spare her from the giant mantis wrath), Golden Harvest grabbed her welcome mat indoors (As if it were her most valued possession), and Pinkie Pie was out being Pinkie Pie (As if that was unusual).
She started to trot out of Sugarcube Corner with a long whip and a four legged chair, ready to tame this mighty beast. Fortunately Miss. Cake managed to grab her and pull her inside before anything happened. Shame, it would of been amusing to see “Mantis Tamer Pinkie”. The insect continued its organically grown massacre.
If JJ had spent less than a year in Equestria, he would have also partaken in the panic and chaos. The truth was that Equestria was just too harmless to allow this to warrant any alarm.
Nothing bad ever happened in Equestria. It was a utopia of hugs and smiles. A paradise where nothing notable to report ever happened. No, the stamped would be stopped or somehow cause the town no harm. And no reason to report it. Of course if you looked too closely there was the bad things such as poverty and degradation of youth, but if you look closely enough on any mirror you’ll see smudges.
These equine inhabitants didn’t have to worry about nuclear war or hate mongering, their daily problems consisted of “what should I have for lunch?” and “Gee I wonder if this saddle makes my flank look bad”. It was just like life back in America.
JJ decided that this new resident of Ponyville had enough fun and went out of his office to confront the giant mantis. He couldn’t work with all of this racket around town. He needed his peace and quiet to do absolutely nothing but stare at a typewriter and printing press. Equestria was where nothing bad ever happened. This situation would obviously be solved peacefully and quickly.
After All, the mantis was probably just outraged that tomatoes cost two bits. Hell Jameson went on a small rampage when that greedy tomato mare tried to charge three bits one day!
He trotted up a fair distance from the rampaging mantis and shouted right it.
“Hey you!” Jameson shouted. It grabbed the mantises attention as it rotated its head 180 degrees to stare right at JJ. This didn't faze or daunt JJ at all.
“Yeah you, the overgrown NUN with an exoskeleton! I don’t know what hive you’re from, but in this city we place our complaints down at town hall! So get your thorax down there and leave these dumb ponies alone” JJ finished huffing to it.
At first the bug stared at him.
And then it suddenly charged on its four long limbs and two spiked limbs at JJ. To say that Jameson was surprised would incorrect. It’d be more correct to say he was very angry. Not just at the mantis but at how strange sentience was in Equestria. If cows and sheep could talk in this world, why not insects? Regardless, now was not the time to understand the complexity of species and their self-awareness.
JJ hopped to the left as if he was dodging a charge from the Rhino. Unfortunately this particular insect seemed smarter than a giant man stuck in a grey suit and with a flick of its frontal limbs JJ was knocked down on his back as the mantis passed him.
Fighting wasn’t something JJ was known for. Stretching the truth, smear campaigns, and huge media circuses was what he was known for. Not fighting. High School boxing only took you so far when you're up against masked psychopaths with fancy toys. Even then he couldn’t very well use his boxing skills if he no longer possessed any fists to which to apply directly to his opponent's skull. Ponies didn’t make for very good boxers.
The mantis stopped in its track and once again twisted its head a full 180. Every single lens of its eyes reflected back the vulnerable form of JJ. Mandibles continued to twitch and it was getting ready to charge once again in this hideous parody of a bullfight where Jameson played the part of the Matador.
He did the only sensible thing and ran away with his tail tucked between his legs just like Parker would whenever there’s trouble. At least Parker had the good sense of knowing when to run away from danger. JJ was a thinker and a ruthless Editor, not a fighter. He acknowledged that in a fight between him and the winged monstrosity, he’d end up as bug chow.
The best way to solve a problem was to find the source. Obviously a four foot mantis appearing out of nowhere just doesn’t happen. And where was the response force? Usually anything that happened in town was either caused or ended by those six infuriating mares.
Pinkie already made her required appearance, only to be withdrawn by the cakes. If JJ remembered correctly, idle chatter amongst the ponies revealed that Rainbow Dash was off to Cloudsdale participating in whatever a Pegasus does and Applejack was off helping one of her relatives with a harvest. That still left Rarity, Twilight Sparkle, and Fluttershy to do whatever they would do. He hated to admit it, but this was something he’d need help with, and those six were the only ones dumb enough to help him.
First to look for that pompous Mare known as Rarity.
If the building for Sugarcube Corner was enough to cause a toothache, then Carousel Boutique was enough to cause a pony to gouge their own eyes out. Of all the brightly colored structures of Ponyville, the boutique was simply an eyesore amongst all of the buildings and JJ found it strange that ponies being impaled by sticks through the stomach as decortion wasn’t unnerving to all the other ponies.
Ever since the day Rarity stormed into his office, their relationship was icy to put it best. They ignored each other whenever they trotted by each other and Jameson heard made-up scandalous rumors about him every now and then, no doubt spread by the white mare. Still he would stop by the boutique to buy a new tie every now and then. He wouldn’t lose the last symbol of his humanity if he could help it.
JJ walked into the store and heard the familiar jingle of the bell that alerted her that customers or friends were dropping by. He then heard a familiar voice.
“Why hello, welcome to-” Rarity then noticed who she was talking to from the counter and her eyelids lowered in that familiar face of disappointment.
“Oh it’s just you. Come for another one of your nooses?” she stated flatly.
“Listen, we can insult, hate, and insult some more later. Right now there’s a wayward bug eyed priest that needs some persuasion to leave town right outside” he stated flatly right back at her.
“P-pardon me?” she questioned him. Though her tone didn’t seem too genuine.
“You heard me, there’s a four foot praying mantis that’s trying to jump up the food chain a few links” JJ said in the middle of browsing some new styles of neckties. Jameson was starting to wonder if maybe most of her necktie business was from him alone.
“Why darling I’d simply adore helping you with your little bug problem, but I’m simply swamped with orders right now. Oh well, toodaloo!” she attempted to quickly exit to her backroom when Jameson stopped her with a simple statement.
“You’re a terrible liar”
“Why whatever do you mean?” she stated. A small bead of sweat went down her well moisturised face that most likely took most of the morning to perfect. The price of beauty and all that.
“You’re being too polite with me. If you were telling the truth you wouldn’t call me “darling” or even take that kind of tone with me” he said bluntly while eyeing a few ties. The ones with actual gemstones attached were just SO last year. A little too thickly stitched.
“Perhaps you’re right and perhaps you’re wrong. Let bygones be bygones and allow me to finish my work”
“If you were so busy then why just stand around the counter slack jawed while waiting for some schmuck to walk in and get scammed?” he looked at her furiously. The only thing he hated worse than vigilantes were bystanders.
“Because insects of all varieties are simply disgusting! I went out when I first heard the commotion outside and went straight back inside when I saw that carapaced menace” her face had a look of utter disdain. Whether for JJ or the mantis was up for debate.
“That’s the only reason why you’re cowering in your tacky palace? Because it’s an insect?!” JJ shouted indignantly.
Rarity decided that there was no point in playing a rude facade and gave him a glum nod.
“Outrageous. I’d love to try and h ve some kind of pep talk with you or something, maybe tell you about how you shouldn’t be grossed out, but there’s a problem out there that kinda needs my attention” he said as he walked out of the store. He wasn’t mad or hateful towards Rarity. Merely disappointed in her. If she wouldn’t help, then maybe Fluttershy could assist.
The walk to Fluttershy’s cottage was a strange one. On his way there he saw overturned trees, ruined pathways, and strange tracks going every which way. The animals were also strangely absent as the forest around her cottage was deathly silent. JJ arrived at the building and was immediately sent into a panic.
There was a familiar mantis shaped hole in her wall.
Fearing the worst he rushed inside and realized his fears were true. The reason why the forest wa so quiet was because all the animals were in a silent vigil over Fluttershy’s body, encircling her were all the animals she had helped in her time in Ponyville, from the mighty bears to the lowly hamsters.
Fluttershy herself was on the floor, facing upwards with her eyelids closed peacefully and her wings to her side, as if in an attempt to keep her warm in the afterlife. Now she truly was an angel.
JJ staggered through the crowd of mourning animals and to her side. The shock of what was before him caused him to collapse in front of her. He fought back tears for a fallen friend, he fought back tears for all of life's misfortunes that this mare had to overcome. It did not matter why he cried, only that he cried.
“Umm...are you okay?” Fluttershy said as her eyes fluttered open.
“I...WHAT?!” he said as he jumped right back up.
“It looked like you were...”
“I was not crying! Why the hell were you playing dead?!” he screamed at her.
“Something happened and I fainted. I heard you...doing whatever you were doing and I woke up” she then noticed all the animals around her.
“Oh, did I miss feeding time? Sorry everyone” she said quietly. All the animals did not seem to mind and let out their roars or chirps of joy that their caretaker was alive and well.
“Whatever. Say, what are you feeding these animals? There’s a giant mantis back in town that looks like he made of gorged itself on some growth hormones” JJ was now annoyed by the noise and by Fluttershy herself. To think, he almost felt emotion for her!
“She” Fluttershy said calmly. “What” Jameson said as his annoyance was slowly growing with her.
“She. Her name is Mary, JJ” Fluttershy replied back as she attempted to hide behind her own wings. JJ felt like he would break a blood vessel.
“I thought I told you to call me Byline from now on. And was Mary always this freakishly huge?” he said with venom pouring out of his own words.
“No, Twilight kinda helped me...” this sent JJ into a frenzy.
“I KNOW IT HAD TO BE ONE OF YOUR FAULTS! THE SIX OF YOU CONSTANTLY GET INTO TROUBLE AND DRAG THE REST OF US WITH YOU! LAST TIME IT WAS THAT DAMN BEAR MADE OF STARS AND NOW THIS!” he shouted at her. Fluttershy bolted up and attempted to hide behind an especially fuzzy bear. The bear growled at JJ to keep back.
“I’m sorry, it’s just that the insects are so small so its hard to take care of them at times...”
“Go on” JJ said
“So I asked Twilight to try and make them bigger...”
“GO ON” he said while grinding his teeth
“So Twilight used some magic to make Mary bigger but I fainted when she got so big. I don’t know what happened after that” she finished saying.
“So did it cross any of your minds that maybe there’s a reason why insects are the size they are?! That maybe messing with the natural order wasn’t such a good idea?!” he said. Fluttershy hid fully behind the bear now and replied back with an answer.
“N-no”
JJ let out a frustrated scream. To describe the level of anger and anguish would be something impossible to achieve in written form. He was pretty pissed off. After letting out his frustration he asked a question.
“Alright. Can you at least help solve a problem you started?” he said, seething hatred pouring out of his mouth.
“Well first I have to feed the animals” she stated. And with that JJ trotted out of the looney mare’s cottage and slammed hard on her door. Obviously she wouldn’t be helping out until far later.
In times like this Spider-Man would have resolve the whole situation. He may of been a sociopath, but at least he was a sociopath that got things done. Where the hell was the webhead when you needed him? Robbing banks back home probably. Without him controlling the masked menace, Spider-Man was probably in the middle of a crime spree now.
Jameson decided to head to the mare that started this madness. He had to go to the tree of knowledge where a neurotic mind was slowly corrupting it. Hopefully he wouldn’t have to fight against giant bugs on the way there. He had enoguh of insect themed menaces.
