Red Stained Snow.

An ancient evil awakens in the wake of the return of Princess Luna, and only Rider and Twilight can stop it. As the evil works with a common enemy of Rider and the Mane Six, will Rider ever be a normal Skybound again or will he remain cursed for the rest of his life?

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Drawdex

Drawdex #1 · Apr 17th, 2013 · · · Chapter I (edited) ·

Now, calm down, I'm here to help you learn the right way to put your ideas in the correct sequence and make it understandable and enjoyable.

From what I've read you have several beginner writing problems; wall of text, incoherent dialogue, miss-interpretation description, lack of description, over description, redundant description, unnecessary description, lack of timing in description after dialogue, not enough description after dialogue, illogical steps of reason, illogical ways of responding, etc.

I'm going to help you in each.

'This is going to be hard'

Wall of text:

This is the most simple, and mayor problem you could do in a story, there are stories out there that have the pasted text format, but they evenly divide it so it can be easily read, you in the other hand are using the straight text format, and not using spaces between different ideas and dialogue, I could observed that they were there, but they didn't have enough division to be seen as a different sentence or description all together.

As the weak morning light peaked through the gloom of the ever present night, the feint sounds the winter snow crunching under the weight of a boot could be herd. A boy dragging a dark blue sled with a girl of the same age as him, was leaving behind a trail of red stained snow, the injuries that they both sustained were taking their toll on the boy, panting he heaved once more before collapsing face first into the snow. Minutes passed before he was able to get up again. Picking up the rope tied to the small sled he pushed once more into the growing morning.
“Hang in there Sakura, I’ll get us to someplace safe, someplace where we can recover.” He said taking off his deep blue cloak and wrapping it around the girl who was in the same condition he was in.

This is your first sentence, if you read it in a quick sessions you'll notice the immediate pauses that you do automatically while reading, these are the usual places that commas are needed.

Also notice that the Idea changed from describing the world around you, to describe the boy in the snow. This is a change in Idea which would more often or not mean the need for a final period and to move on to the next sentence.

As the weak morning light peaked through the gloom of the ever present night, the feint sounds the winter snow crunching under the weight of a boot could be herd.
A boy, dragging a dark blue sled with a girl of the same age as him, was leaving behind a trail of red stained snow, the injuries that they both sustained were taking their toll on the boy, panting he heaved once more before collapsing face first into the snow. Minutes passed before he was able to get up again. Picking up the rope tied to the small sled he pushed once more into the growing morning.
“Hang in there Sakura, I’ll get us to someplace safe, someplace where we can recover.” He said taking off his deep blue cloak and wrapping it around the girl who was in the same condition he was in.

This is the main thing you could see on the description itself is how ungodly fast it goes; it is really unexpected due to the slow introduction. And for an example I'll use from the same sentence above.

dragging a dark blue sled with a girl of the same age as him,

This is an inside idea, these are used to insert an important detail that needs to be known to continue further in the description, notice that my fixed version, it's between two commas, this is because of the pauses in between, if you jumped this sentence completely you'll notice that the description does not lose its motion.

the injuries that they both sustained were taking their toll on the boy,

Here is where the real problem begins, these really redundant and unnecessary descriptions are everywhere, but this one in particular has the problem of stating that something that only affects one person personally, two different people, was only really affecting one? This as you can see is a miss-interpretation description, the two were injured so as the description says, the boy was also suffering because of the girls injuries, which makes no sense whatsoever. Making this a sufferable moment.

Picking up the rope tied to the small sled he pushed once more into the growing morning.
“Hang in there Sakura, I’ll get us to someplace safe, someplace where we can recover.” He said taking off his deep blue cloak and wrapping it around the girl who was in the same condition he was in.

This is a 'lack of description', with a bit of 'ilogical steps of reason'. If you can see, because of the last phrase that states that the boy just got up to grab the rope and pull it, the next paragraph after the dialogue would make no sence, he is pulling a rope, and after the dialogue he is aperently next to her, and without stopping to let go of the rope or pull it for that matter, he takes off his clock with the rope in hand, 'still hasn't stopped pulling', he wraps it around the girl. This appears in many others.

And at the end we have over description, redundant description and unnecessary description, at the same time. We already understood that by having the same injuries they are in the same condition, so the last part is unnecessary, this wouldn't be an issue as big to point it out as I did if it wasn't basically everywhere.

Moving one we find this.

Making one last push he made it to the edge of a small town thinking it was safe he continued towards the town but not before collapsing from the gashes covering his body, not wanting to give up he proceeded to crawl until his vision slipped into black and fell unconscious in the snow. The boy heard voices and opened his eyes to find people standing over him, they spoke in rather concerned voices, and he held his consciousness as long as he could then he slipped once more.

Making one last push he made it to the edge of a small town; thinking it was safe he continued towards the town but not before collapsing from the gashes covering his body, not wanting to give up he proceeded to crawl until his vision slipped into black and fell unconscious in the snow.
The boy heard voices and opened his eyes to find people standing over him, they spoke in rather concerned voices, and he held his consciousness as long as he could then he slipped once more.

This paragraph has lack of description at its fullest and redundant description as well, the sentence itself has really little information to everything it does, and more information about this we already know, especially this part.

he continued towards the town but not before collapsing from the gashes covering his body

First the 'he was already continuing towards the town, but not before collapsing', part is a paradox, he continued, but before that he collapsed, which would mean that he didn't really continue, but he needed to continue to actually collapse in the first place, and as I said before, we already know that he's injured, if you're not going to add anything that really matters it is not necessary to describe it.

the boy heard voices and opened his eyes to find people standing over him, they spoke in rather concerned voices, and he held his consciousness as long as he could then he slipped once more.

The first part I mark was saying to anyone that read that the boy was one, conscious, two, coherent, three with perfect eye sight; but you still didn't describe what he was really looking at, if you were going for the, 'too weak to see well', you should've add that into the description earlier when you stated that he fell into the snow weak.

they spoke in rather concerned voices

Voices don't have ways of description, tone's do.

Warm … he was warm; if this was death then he welcomed the warmth with good intentions.

You can't actually do things like welcome a unchangeable fact with good intentions, you can do things with good intentions, which would mean that there's a way to welcome warmth with bad intentions, if you know a way tell me, I would like to know.

But if you tried to say that because he accepted the warmth he deduced it had good intentions, that's another thing entirely.

Opening his eyes, eye more like it, he found that he was in what, from his knowledge, a tree.
Trying to see if anyone was in the tree he tried to say something and succeeded in summoning the trees tenant, from what he could figure out they were asking him if he was all right.

The first part I mark has to do with the fact that it goes into miss-interpretation description, it really made no sense whatsoever, only to you.

Opening his eyes, more like opened his eye,

Now the second part is a really obvious, 'Author only knows' type of moment, we actually have no knowledge of what this boy knows and for that you should at least describe how it looks like from his perspective, or as you have been doing, in the narrators perspective.

I'm going to jump to the next problem since the next part's are basically all the problems I stated up there.

“NO, really I thought it tickled, GAH, where’s the girl I was with, and where’s my stuff?” he said sarcastically, “Would you mind getting off my arm?”

This part is a clear evidence of 'lack of timing in description after dialogue,' the obvious thing id that as the description after the dialogue states, he is saying ALL THAT, not only the beginning, in a sarcastic matter,

“Can you tell me your name? I’ll tell you everything you want to know as soon as this is resolved.” She said to the injured boy.
“Fine, my name is Rain Rider, I came here from Canterlot trying to escape from somebody that ambushed me and that girl I was with, and FYI I don’t know who it was that attacked us, I did manage to let lose a spell to get rid of them. Now that I explained my problem you do your half of the deal.” Rider said wanting answers.

Now this part is a conjunction of many things, the main ones that I'm trying to show you are 'not enough description after dialogue', 'illogical steps of reason' and 'illogical ways of responding'. the 'not enough description after dialogue' goes hand to hand with the 'illogical steps of reason'.

He already responded in a way, as if he was being held information, unless he told her what she needed to know, and I don't mean as it was presented, that was only once asked, he reacted as if he said various times that he wasn't really going to tell her anything unless she answered him first. And all this in a way is basically an 'illogical ways of responding' basis more because he's giving more information that they needed to know or anything of that class.

Oh, I almost forgot.

, I came here from Canterlot trying to escape from somebody that ambushed me and that girl I was with,

This is the part of the 'illogical ways of responding', I mean, he left Cantherlot, which one would deduce he lived in because he was ambushed?

That make's really no sense. This is an incoherent dialogue.

(Note: I could tell by the adding of " and FYI I don’t know who it was that attacked us," part would mean that he actually is trying to hard to hide the fact that he actually knows who attact him and the girl)

“Twilight, are you in here? Oh, there you are darling I got the cloak fix and, DEAR CELESTIA WHO IS THAT!! He looks genuinely awful.”

I think you confused which part of the text should be in big bold letters. (Note: It's not the part where she's asking who was the person that she was looking at.)

“Rarity this is Rain Rider the owner of the cloak.” Twilight introduced the two of them.

The description is unnecessary; we already see it in the dialogue.

After Rarity left Rider did his best to stretch his stiff muscles, which felt good to Rider ignoring the pain.

After Rarity left, Rider did his best to stretch his stiff muscles, which would've felt good, if he ignored the pain.

You need commas, and to take each description seriously.

“Hey Twilight, can you hand me my pack. It’s the leather bag.”

Only people that's actually trying to be disrespectful calls another person he already started a conversation with, and just meet, by name. And I don't think you were aiming for that.

“Look, my arms were covered in cuts, but look they’re not anymore. So could you just do this?” Rider asked twilight.

How could he believe that she even see through the bandages? Really?

“The guy she adopted.” Rider said grabbing both hers and Twilight’s shoulders and concentrating on where they need to go, then they disappeared leaving nothing behind but a blue rose petal.

Yes, no over power or Mary sue-ing ahead.... yippee.

Everything after this part is a combination of bad description and everything above while being hyped in heroin, crack and cocaine.

Now your true problem is this, and this happens to EVERY. SINGLE. WRITER. you are writing this story already knowing where it's going, but you're not actually writing it for other people to read it, you're writing it for yourself, this can easily be seen if you're not the actual writer or if you have seen it before in other writes, you should find very bad fic's and read them so you can actually see what I mean.

Make sure you're actually trying to analyses what they say for it to work

So as I said I'm a really helpful commenter, hope this helps you in the future, and alloy~s

Drawdex

Drawdex #2 · Jun 1st, 2013 · · · Chapter I (edited) ·

Ummm, hey! Thanks for remembering me! (You called me here)

Which confuses me more as to why you didn't take what I said before into account.

Now, I'm not going to do one of my traditional long interesting and helpful comments, because all the problems you had in the previous version are still here, you fixed many divisions of dialogue and description(wall of text), making it easy to read, but what any reader would be able to read is incredibly eye hurting, as I said before....

wall of text, incoherent dialogue, miss-interpretation description, lack of description, over description, redundant description, unnecessary description, lack of timing in description after dialogue, not enough description after dialogue, illogical steps of reason, illogical ways of responding, etc.

With the obvious ones that I just mentioned just fixed left out, but not completely.

I'll be more clear, your pacing was incredibly unbelievable, you began just fine, even with the illogical and redundant and paradoxing descriptions everywhere, and that's without mentioning the extremely impossible transitions, but you still had pacing! That was until Twilight and our Gary Stu teleported leaving a very unnecessary explanation of a rose behind.

There everything went out the unconventional metaphorical window, the description was describing things not influenced by the character, things that should be described before anything, like the room they're in, the reaction of Twilight, the sounds, etc.

After they got out of that issue with Gary Stu powers, a bad transition was made and a very obvious bad-wall-text-description-of-events-we-shouldn't-care-about-in-this-moment began to appear. Now this type of description would be better in a moment that actually mattered, after a while of the main character doing things that makes us readers actually looking forwards to his back story, possible.

The description was too detailed and too much of a self gloating theme to be likable, and way too forward about everything.

All the data from the description could be learned through time, throughout many chapters.

But enough of that, what comes next is worst, illogical deductions and illogical thinking. The illogical thinking is in between the lines of the characters going into treating the Main character as an old known friend, if their way of speech to each other was to any geez, and to the reactions to something’s that they learned, it's not possible to react in some of the ways they do without going through some bad things.

For the bad deduction, it’s just that, illogical deduction, they had no real connection of dots in some cases and it made no sense to why they would.

Now the trust issues was the main problem, the fact of how they treated him as a friend even though they just met was disturbing, and later when the main character has the audacity to say that he knows Twilight of not being the way she was when the darkness came along that I cringed.

The fact that he was a demon hunter didn't help him in the Gary Stu issue, and much less how he was acting about it.

This chapter was wish fulfillment at its finest.

So yeah, this chapter hasn't changed much of what I first diagnosed it with, I told you your errors in description, but you leave those, I even POINT IT OUT AND QUOTE IT, but it's still there, so I will not make those here for now.

I wasn't sure I could, but it seems that I actually got time to leave another comment to you, but this time I’ll leave links explaining some of your issues.

Wish fulfillment.

Gary stu. (Mary sue)

Deus ex machina.
More for the problems, and their solutions.

And there it is, my second comment, not as helpful but still a review. You still have my last comment up there if you have anything you want to re-read.

Good luck again.

blitzcrystal0617

blitzcrystal0617 #3 · Jun 2nd, 2013 · · · Chapter I (edited) ·

2662547
Sorry,, and take a note of this, I am a novice, and I will most likely still be a novice for a long, long, long time, and as you can tell I am really trying, I really am, and I do have an editor now.

Drawdex

Drawdex #4 · Jun 2nd, 2013 · · · Chapter I (edited) ·

2663060

You need to understand, an author writes better when things that he reads are pointed out and analyzed.

I did just that, but because it was your own heart and soul placed there, you may feel lost in most of what I say.

So the best thing to do is read other stories that you can tell yourself if they have things that have errors or bad description.

Ark

Survival

Some have actually become better.

A forced world.

These I made my traditional long comments, read the stories then read my comments and see if you can notice the same errors as me, some will be modified, so you could tell what they did to make them better themselves.

This is not one of them but it’s the best one out there. (In my opinion.)

Over the edge and through the wood

blitzcrystal0617

blitzcrystal0617 #5 · Jun 2nd, 2013 · · · Chapter I (edited) ·

2663303 O.k. not to be annoying, but I have taken what you said in your first comment and tried it out on the story I have on my computer. you wouldn't mind sending me your E-mail so I could send it to you.

Drawdex

Drawdex #6 · Jun 2nd, 2013 · · · Chapter I (edited) ·

2663730

Sorry, I got a job of my own to do. I barely have time to read stories at least once a day. And also stories I'm cared to do.(My own stories to write)