• Member Since 10th Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen Nov 22nd, 2017

Naden Gryphus


T

Getting kidnapped by a black van seems terribly clichéd until it happens to you, and you get thrown into a spiraling course of events, which seem to make no sense and end up in you getting sent over to the middle of Nowhere, Not-even-Earth.

Nathan got caught in this situation, and now he must learn to cope with the fact he isn't home anymore.

He’s a gryphus now, and he’s a moron. He’s Nathan, folks.
Oh, and he’s now a cyclops or something, because I hate him.

Rated Teen for obvious language reasons, as well as some dark themes.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 38 )

i am interested :moustache: i am hating the scientist people at the moment though :twilightangry2: but oh well :twilightsmile:

what could go wrong

static2.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/It+looks+like+that+fucker+is+in+second+place+_e938fd4a354d8508ce5ff5b51a19e59a.gif
i am interested where this will go, i have a few questions but they can wait a bit

This is shaping up to be very interesting :D
Also you writing is great! so it's enjoyable to read,as well :twilightsmile:

Thanks a lot guys, this will be continued, I'm a lazy ass, so it might take a while. But be sure I'll get it done...eventually:twilightblush:

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By any means, any questions can be PM'ed to me.

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This is my actual commentary on the story I would like you to read...if you want to..

Are you one hundred percent into this story? Because there are many misshapes in personalization unless you're planning a grand scheme.

I’m a griffon.” I said outloud. I started to explore my body for the next couple minutes, just silent in pure amazement. I confirmed I was still a male. I think, I don’t know much about mythological creatures.

Really interesting way to contradict your logic, in less than twenty-eight words. Unless on purpose.

Your new species is deemed gryphus, omnivore, it has been confirmed they can eat raw meat without consequences thanks to their strong immunological system. This also means you can eat almost any fruit you come across, but be sure to taste small quantities first.

This would've been a good moment to reveal what species he is.

Complete loss of identity. That’s what I was facing. A complete life restart, too. An opportunity to turn my life around and make something good of myself. If you looked at the situation in an optimistic way.

Wait, what?

*Goes to chapter one and quotes next statement*

I faced towards the path ahead of me; it was going to be a long day. I was already expecting
something to happen. Hey, what can I say, I’m a pessimist through and through.

Well... now I know I can trust what's narrated till the end. (Heavy sarcasm)

“Thanks!” She quickly took it off my talon, but I was impressed by her ability to grasp onto it, with no fingers, nothing but a hoof. She seemed to notice the look on my face, because she gave me a look that said ‘Yeah, I don’t know either’.

“But, how can you...” I started to ask.

This would've been a great use of comical basis if it weren't for that next phrase I marked, if it would've continued without it It would've been ten times funnier.

“I’m so sorry, I knew I shouldn’t have asked. I was wondering what the letter meant by missing body parts,” she said with remorse. The look on her face was of deep regret.

These kinds of lines are useful in some paragraphs but unnecessary in others, and this is where it's unnecessary. You already stated that she was regretful, so you don't have to tamper the issue deeper by describing her, do one or the other unless both are necessary.

“It’s ok, I can cope with it, Lily. It was a bit of a shock at first, but I’ve been getting used to the lack of it.” I said quickly. It was true, I was slowly getting over that fact. Thanks to my hearing, it’s lack isn’t as bad as it could be if I were still a human.

In the first part I marked, you're character is already calling the other character by name in laps on conversation, after they already started a conversation, if you talk to someone you know closely this happens often, but with a complete stranger, it does not.

The second marked had a really obvious problem that irks every person who has read multiple HIE’s. The getting over your whole life in less than a day, you make it sound slow at least in narration but by what your main character is thinking and doing there’s really no real change, he doesn’t act based on what the narration said or what he says, so it’s really confusing.

I may be socially awkward, and take a long time to trust others, but I sure as hell wasn’t going to pass up the opportunity to have someone by of my own original species in a new world.

This would be better if you could actually backup this statement by actually being obvious that you wouldn't normally trust people, but because of your situation you are doing so.

In the dream sequence where he dreams about his family getting killed by his kidnappers that he hates. A dream that was given by the statement in the letter about ‘taking care of your previous life’ wasn’t what I would’ve expected from someone that just got kidnapped and pulled from his life against his will and also transformed into a different species.

I mean there was sadness but not emotion hate, anger, real anger, the compleate and utter promise that if they were to even try what he dreament he would track them down and smash there skulls whith his newly acquired talons.

But no, instead we get this…

I cried, I yelled and I tried to catch up with it. All of them were fruitless effort. The van was now but a dot in the horizon of my view.
I felt something warm embrace me. Not something hot, but something comforting. I turned to the direction of the embrace only to discover I was covered in deep blue mist.
“Don’t be afraid” said the strange being before me, with the most soothing voice one could imagine. It looked like a blanket of stars, moving stars, like if it was window into deep space.
I let go of my fears and woke up.

That last part is scary for me, because it could mean that he will embrace his new form and say ‘screw evil humanity, I prefer equestria’. But again it could not, so I’ll leave it for more chapters before going into that conclusion.

But to conclude now, this story has incredibly spot grammar and punctuation, I found only five errors, which are simple and anyone could let slide, but the story itself is very misleading and with false statements everywhere, and this could mean two things:

One, those are mistakes of storytelling from combining different kinds of drafts, or...

Two, this is your way of narration, which shows us from the beginning that you should not be trusted in everything you say.

But well, this is still the second chapter so I can’t dwell to in this story to criticize or see badly, so yeah, tracked to see what is there to come.:ajsmug:

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Thank you. You are the very first person to give me an honest critic.

Thank you for spotting the irregularities. I know at first, if you read it without paying any attention, it comes across as normal, right?

I was toying with the concept that Nathan is slowly losing his mind, becoming irreverent, inconsistent with himself, losing his mind beneath his own feet (paws?).

That is to say, some of them are blatantly obvious personalization problems that I completely missed, so there's no excuse for that. Those'll be fixed right away.

I was going to make it more obvious in the first drafts, and subsequent chapters. If it's too confusing, I may scrap it all, or revamp it into the more obvious side.

As for the dream sequence, without spoiling too much, you could say he was being brain-washed. I might change some wording to make that more apparent.

Thank you for your compliments and your critique, very helpful, but I ask for your opinion.

Do you think the 'losing his mind slowly' gimmick is too confusing for the average reader? I might just scrap it, and take the most obvious way. (I might change some of the wording you spotted anyway.)

Thank you once again, these are the comments I'm looking for. You get cookies and edits.

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I like the cookie but what's an edit?:rainbowhuh:

I know at first, if you read it without paying any attention, it comes across as normal, right?

Well, kind of yes and no; when you described the main character in the first chapter I saw him as a realistic, pessimist and serious guy, who is not mentally a pushover but if others are affected he will not dwell into those issues.

But the second chapter he stood out as an easy going, optimist, 'leave bad situations in the past' kind of guy, which looks into the future and what to do with it.

These two descriptions clashed so badly that I was sure that it was a different character until he began to retail his capture and past events.

So yes without paying attention I would have missed it, but because of the sudden change in narration and facts is that I began to notice.

But back to my opinion of the 'slowly losing his mind' gimmick, which you have actually three options:

One, is that as you stated, he's slowly losing his mind, but this problem was even before he got kidnaped and transformed; that's why he got chosen in the first place, why anyone was chosen, they all have mental problems that would give valuable information to those 'evil scientist' but of course that's up to you.

Two, you can go as you are now, brain washing and showing scenes and narrative here and there that even 'the most oblivious of Neanderthals' could point out,(this last one is important, this way is less confusing) but only once per chapter maximum, unless it's something that other characters notice and talk over, and all this climaxes in a point of your choosing.

Three, is that he really has no mental disorder or mental brainwashing going on and that it's just the way he is, and what I mean by this is; he is very indecisive, emotionally unpredictable, a random thinker in general, which would obligate you to use another character to be his stabilizer, (why not lily?) like controling his emotional highs and lows (excitement and depression).

But of course it’s your decision, and if you’re trying to make it deep and mysterious, continue as you are now, giving miss narrations, saying false statements, and giving opinions that after a while change completely, and only after another character (like Lily) points it out, it would not be explained or investigated at all.

And before you do any of these, make sure you make him likable and attachable beforehand, or people will not give a damn about him, and wish to only see him burn.

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I understand.
And edits, well that basically means your comment made me edit my story (That's a good thing!).

I really, REALLY, like your options, I'm gonna steal one of those.
I don't like writing blatantly obvious characters, that makes them predictable, and unexciting, so the 'neanderthal level of understanding' is out of the way.

Now, having him becoming slowly mentally unstable, with Lily being the stabilizer for him (Which is similar with what I had planned out for her, in a way) seems like my best shot, as I was shooting at something similar in my first drafts.

In this draft, his strange behavior was starting to get noticed by others, and it unraveled into his depressing 'inside' and why he kept a face for even himself.

I'm gonna think this more throughly, the new chapter is gonna be delayed for a while, at least until I get a very solid idea of his character, in these chapters, he was written as I thought he would react spontaneously, but in retrospective, it was a terrible idea.

You can't even begin to comprehend how much you have influenced me in your two comments, I see this idea in a whole new spectacle.

Thank you, dammit, I'd buy you a pizza.

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Thank you, dammit, I'd buy you a pizza.

Don't tempt me...

But one last thing, are you going to make a more conversation like relationship between the main and Lily?

And what I mean by that is if they talk about their lives before all the kidnapping; how they looked like before, where did they live and whatnot, to deepen their connection. (as deep as it could be to the only two humans in a very wide mile radius.)

This (at least for me) is the skeleton of the story, and I love this kind of conversations. (Of course they need to be walking and describing their surroundings as they talk to make it believable and they need to stop for a logical reason.)

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Don't spoil the next chapter, dammit.

But yes, I'll be working on that. It only makes sense they talk about that, you don't usually talk about a place where you've never been. As for their relationship, well, they are the only humans around. It's only natural they relate, somewhat.

So, yes, we'll be learning more about Lily, and a bit more about Nathan.

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This should help you impersonate the human factor over the griffin or pony factor of your characters, about the differences in anatomy mostly.

Just a thought really, and if you have seen it before ignore me.

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Human master race, reporting in.

Well, that was quite the perspective, I feel like I could take down an elephant with nothing but my fists. One of the most important aspects of humanity, is that we're tenacious, stubborn, and we are all insane, deep within. It only requires a switch to activate itself.

I will definitely reference some quotes in that video... one way or the other.

My interest is awake and i Hope of Many more Chapters:pinkiehappy: :twilightsmile:

CIA

Demoman can relate to Nathan, too bad he doesn't drink himself into a stupor.

Comment posted by kyle131996 deleted Mar 25th, 2013

I hope he fucks the scientist over at some point

At least I’m not stuck here with a psycho. What could go wrong?’

What could go wrong

Well, my time to comment.

...

...

...

...

I got nothing.

I mean really, everything I could have possibly commented is already taken care of in the story itself:

Characterization of canon characters? check.

Realistic mental states of human beings in that kind of situation? check.

Reasons behind the main canon to add itself to the story? check

Realistic ways of speech? Check.(And what I mean by this is the use of 'gonna' and 'wanna' in dialogue of a character that has that type of speech,)

Reasons for character development? Check. (P.S. The unexpected rain was basically you using your powers as an author to make sure the next scenes come to be.:rainbowkiss:)

Argument reasoning with procedures of actual logical people? Check.

The right use of plot devises? Check.

Personality? Check

The correct way of people responding to a personal situation? Check.

Grammar so good it causes fiscal pain? Check

Cliffhanger? Check

I have NOTHING to help this story in this particular chapter, I mean NOTHING. This chapter is to be considered as an example to any other chapter of any story that has this kind of set. It was perfect.

I mean you set the situation, set future meetings, made a deeper acknowledgment of a character, used canon characters, made their reasons clear, and all this in a plausible way and development?

Good god this was good to read.

ADDED:
Hope to see even if its only the half of this quality in future chapters. Faved

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I'll be honest with you. Your comment made me tear up a bit at the end there. I'm serious.

On danger of sounding cliché as fuck, I was having a god-awful day and you just made it all worth it with a little comment.

You have no idea how valuable things like your comment are to me, this is exactly what drives me to write, the satisfaction of anyone that may lay eyes upon it.

Thank you. Seriously, thank you. Be expecting more chapters soon.

this:
"Oh, and he’s now a cyclops or something, because I hate him."
this single sentence made me want to read this story more than all the chocolate (currently sitting on the table beside me) in the world...
OK maybe just one bite. :scootangel:

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That sentence originally contained at least two more swear words, but apparently, descriptions need to be swear-free to be published.

Glad you liked it.

very good story you have here.:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

i like the way you write.

I have been reading your fanfic: Forced World and like it a lot.
Its a pity it hasn't gotten a lot of attention and i encourage you too keep writing.

-bas

This story is fucking amazing!!! :pinkiehappy:

Wow, I know I'm late to the party, but where on earth (pardon the non-pun) is the ethical review board when you need them? No consent forms and stuffs?

Mother. Of. Luna, 'tis a phenomenal story

What's the difference between a griffon and a gryphus?

Hmmm... Interesting. Gives me a bit of the Sunflower vibe, but more evil government than trying to save the world government...

Though I do wish there was a bit more to our character than just running away. Putting myself in his shoes I would've fought back, as ineffective as it might've been...

Pull a pocket knife or something...

Eh...

As for the writing itself, there are a few errors here and there and bits f it are clunky, whereas others are just rushed. In fact, the whole chapter had a rushed feeling.

Despite all that, it is mostdefinitely not the worst thing I've read on this site, not even close... So I might continue reading... Though j should get to sleep now...

5790851 it's the same thing, just different spelling

I love this chapter, as well as the story idea

PS, about how often do you post new chapters, I'm really looking forward to the next one.

Bruh I really hate cliff hangers, but so good it's a really good story so... WIRTE MORE PLZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!s

Where have you been my dude. I really like this story.:fluttercry:

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