Dark Star is a unicorn with a struggling life, weather it be from him trying to protect the town or if its him trying to protect his family. Dark was on guard one day when he received a letter that was addressed to both him and his sister, but the letter wasn't what he was hoping for and when he tried to tell his sister she yelled at him and ran away. Now He's running through the wastes fighting everything that gets in his way, aided only by a pony he just met and a group of mercenaries he must follow a fading trail that will lead him all over the wastes with only small leads. He must overcome it all and during it fighting a inner power that wants nothing but to take control and kill everypony, in the world.
Chapters (1)
MFW that description.
i.imgur.com/xLoka.jpg
wut
The description is merely two big sentences... Not sure if want to open, I'm allergic to WoTs.
Maybe you should fix the chapter name. The start off it all? it should probably be OF.....
puu.sh/2paGb
I am boldly diving into the wall of text headfirst, hoping to dive through and touch the bottom so that i may report my findings on life inside the belly of the beast. (I'm going to review your story and post a critique. because everyone deserves an equal chance.)
I'm going to give you the bad news first.
personnel gain. I do believe that you meant "personal" there.
but they will risk it all just to keep what they vowed to defend alive and well, even if it cost them their lives.
There is a tense error here (as in past or present tense) "They will" is future tense whereas "cost" is present or past tense.
it was given to the star family by the royal sisters and it has been the families job to protect the book at all costs.
why? Why would the all powerful, immortal, magically superior to you in every way shape and form royal sisters give your family something that important?
I understand that it will be a plot device in later chapters but if you are going to do something like that try to explain it a bit.
This ponies name Ponies is plural, pony's is possessive.
When the Royal sisters learned about this they quickly banished him from equestria, but he vowed he would return one day and kill them, upon his day of return the sisters were ready for him and sealed him inside of the book and there his soul would remain forever. And when the time came for Dark and Glimmering to take over for guarding the book, they both wanted to learn a spell.
really? Really bro?
Uh oh sir. It seems as though you have a four line run on sentence.
Dark was sitting at home one day with his family around him when a crazed pony burst into their house with a gun, as his Dad moved to get his pistol the pony shot him.
Glimmering rushed over to her Dad, but the pony grabbed her and tried to leave, but as Dark saw this he looked around and saw his Dads pistol sitting on the ground so he picked it up and shot the pony in the arm causing him to release Glimmering. Alright this is getting ridiculous. A comma is not a replacement for punctuation. It is used to indicate a pause in a sentence.
IT has been a few years now and he had finally reached his dream, he started out as a basic town guard but now hes the best town guard and he stands above the gate stopping threats before they even get near the town.
There is a bit of redundancy here that displeases me so. If you absolutely have to use the same phrase twice in a sentence, at least alter it a bit so that it sounds better being read out loud. (Also a good example of a comma being used for a pause.)
"Wait is there a pony behind me,"(?) <-This little guy over here is called a question mark. one uses him to indicate a question being asked.
"Kid I'm not here to make friends or get to know you, all you need to know about me is my name is Dark Star and I do this job to protect this town and I'll kill anything that posses a threat to this town.
Another run on. Try changing it so something like this "Kid I'm not here to make friends or get to know you. All you need to know about me is that my name is Dark Star, I do this job to protect this town, and I'll kill anything that poses a threat to it." See? it sounds better and you even get to use more of your favorite punctuation!
"You sure are cheery aren't you, but I can't blame you having to kill other ponies and all could really change a pony." That first part is a question and even if it may be sarcastic or rhetorical, It still deserves the same question mark any other question would get.
"Guard we have a caravan heading out," Dark looked over the railing to see a caravan ready to head out,
Another instance of redundancy.
if you have to kill the live and don't I'm sorry what? i couldn't hear you over the sound of the English language being butchered.
One last bit of bad news is that this whole thing is a wall of text. Text walls are eyesores and can make your story very hard to read. Try pressing enter twice after each paragraph and you should have that wall looking shinier at the very least.
Now sir for the good news i have for you. You never mixed up your and you're. Not even once. Be proud of that. I see great potential in this story but if I were you, I would get some better cover art, find a proofreader, (if you absolutely need one then send me a message and i will be happy to) and re-release your story in a few weeks when you are prepared.
I sense some foreshadowing!
Kay, I gotta address this. "Fillies" are the equine equivalent of "girls" and "colts" are the equivalent of "boys," much like "stalllions" are the equivalent of "men" and "mares" the equivalent of "women." It's best not to get the terms mixed up.
Apart from that, you have an awful lot of telling going on. Whether through exposition or dialogue, you're mostly just telling us things about this world and its characters. Try showing a little more.
Ha Ha! Confusion!
No seriously, I have no idea what's going on with what you just wrote. There's a lot of exposition, too much in fact which takes away from the actual story but it's all jumbled up and it says stuff without actually saying anything if such a thing is possible.
Radiation in Equestria. Why? Was there a nuclear war? Since when have ponies had nuclear capabilities? You need to tell us why it's like this or are you just going to assume we'll accept it?
Dark Star and Glimmering Hope. Strange names but I'm assuming they're done for effect. But why does anybody care how they look? It's bordering on Mary Sue territory when during their introduction you mention their colouring but fail to mention just about every other ponies colouring. Consistency, you need it.
So he's a crossdresser or something? A filly is a young female horse. A colt is a young male horse. You know, just like you would never refer to a little boy as a girl unless you were being insulting or he was maybe really really really fey.
So there's this really important book that contains some of the most powerful spells in the land as well as the spirit / essence / phantom zone type body of one of the most evil ponies out there and the sisters give it to a couple that run a caravan? Wouldn't it make more sense to have such a powerful and dangerous object locked up somewhere where nopony could get at it including young foals who might try to learn the spells and maybe let the ancient evil loose? But I guess this is the MacGuffin used to advance the plot. It's more of a plot hole but you get the point.
A Wild Crazy Pony appears for no adequately explained reason but gives us a reason for Dark Star to want to become a guard. He shoots the father who is miraculously alive and well a few sentences later. Maybe you want to explain why he's still walking around without seeming harm if he just got shot.
He's so great that he becomes the bestest guard of all. Yet even this means that nopony tells him he's going to have a partner which he simply accepts without question. Not much of a guard now is he?
Dark Star is really badass and has to prove it to everypony he meets. Yeah, I'm not buying it. Sounds like an author self-insert to me.
You got a lot of problems with this story from your spelling, your grammar and overall story telling. You need to show us what is happening. Give background information. Have conversations and dialogue so that we the readers can become invested with these characters and feel something for them. I suggest finding yourself an editor and working with them to fix some of these issues.