Dark Stars' History

by Death Night

The Start Of It All

It has been a few years since the great spells were set off covering the entire world with radiation killing just about everything, but a few small groups of ponies were able to survive by hiding in underground structure's called stables, but some of them went wrong and the residents were either killed or released into the world before it was time. Even though alot of time has passed the world is still full of radiation and everypony struggles to stay alive everyday , even though someponies live in towns together, even with defenses set up they still could all die any day. As they all cling to life everyday, they find hope to keep on fighting for tomorrow, but each pony fights for a whole different reason and while some may be for personnel gain, some fight to defend others. It is those ponies that are hard to find, but they will risk it all just to keep what they vowed to defend alive and well, even if it cost them their lives.

Dark Star is a unicorn, with a dark grey coat and both a black and red short mane and tail, that fights to protect the ones he loves, no matter how much he hides it, he loves his family and would kill anypony that tried to hurt them. His colt hood was not normal but he still had a good life, his parents, Sure Shot(Dad) and Star Sight(Mom), ran a caravan company called Star caravan, they hated it when the left Dark and his sister Glimmering hope, who was also a unicorn that was light grey, with a long sky blue mane tail. It was the largest caravan company in all of equestria, reaching from every main town to every small city and no matter what trouble they ran into the caravan always made it to its destination. It was just half of the families tradition along with a book, this book wasn't normal though, it was given to the star family by the royal sisters and it has been the families job to protect the book at all costs. The reason this book is so important is that it contains not only some of the most powerful spells anypony could learn, but it was also a prison for an ancient pony that wants nothing more than to kill everypony he sees.

This ponies name was Death Night and he used to bring shadows to equestria, until he learned that his spell could be used to cause harm to other ponies and he started to test it out on ponies. When the Royal sisters learned about this they quickly banished him from equestria, but he vowed he would return one day and kill them, upon his day of return the sisters were ready for him and sealed him inside of the book and there his soul would remain forever. And when the time came for Dark and Glimmering to take over for guarding the book, they both wanted to learn a spell. As they look through the book Dark found a shadow manipulation spell, which would allow him to use any shadow as he sees fit, he could turn shadows into solid mass and even kill a pony from the inside. Glimmering ended up finding a light manipulation spell that was just like Darks, except she could heal some wounds on ponies with her spell.

Dark was sitting at home one day with his family around him when a crazed pony burst into their house with a gun, as his Dad moved to get his pistol the pony shot him. Glimmering rushed over to her Dad, but the pony grabbed her and tried to leave, but as Dark saw this he looked around and saw his Dads pistol sitting on the ground so he picked it up and shot the pony in the arm causing him to release Glimmering. The pony tried to grab Glimmering but Dark shot him again, and he didn't stop shooting till the magazine was empty, his Dad walked over to him and took the pistol from him and then proceeded to take care of the body. Ever since that day Dark has wanted to be town guard so ponies like that couldn't get into the town, he trained everyday spending hours at the gun range shooting and then rest of the time he trained himself in hoof to hoof combat. IT has been a few years now and he had finally reached his dream, he started out as a basic town guard but now hes the best town guard and he stands above the gate stopping threats before they even get near the town.

The sun was rising over the town and he stood there watching as the streets started to fill up with ponies, he looked towards the hospital where his sister was working. He would protect this town from the dangers but mainly he would protect his sister, he looked over the wastes to see a few radgators in the distance but they weren't heading towards the town. As he stood there he heard a pony coming up the stairs, he looked at the pony and saw a brown earth pony with a rifle on his back.

"Kid you're not supposed to be here so get down before i kill you," Dark faced the pony.

The pony looked behind him, "Wait is there a pony behind me," Dark looked at him with a blank face,"Oh you mean me, I guess you weren't told then, I'm the new guard the will be working with you." He stuck out his hoof, "My names Trail Blaze, whats your name?"

Dark looked over the pony, he was brown from his mane to his tail which were both short and his cute mark was a camp fire, he turned away from Trail, "Kid I'm not here to make friends or get to know you, all you need to know about me is my name is Dark Star and I do this job to protect this town and I'll kill anything that posses a threat to this town. So if you start acting funny, I'll kill you and I won't think twice about it."

Trail walked up to him, "You sure are cheery aren't you, but I can't blame you having to kill other ponies and all could really change a pony." Dark put his pistol in the ponies face.

"Listen to me and listen good, I don't act like this cause I've killed ponies, I've always been like this and that's what makes me the best guard ever, I first killed a pony when I was a young colt and I liked it. Ever since that day I've wanted to kill other ponies for a job and to protect the ones I love and so I wanted to do this, you're probably one of those ponies that doesn't want to be a guard. If so I won't make you kill, but when the time comes if you have to kill the live and don't I'm not going to save you, I'll wait for the pony to kill you and then I'll shoot it."

"Guard we have a caravan heading out," Dark looked over the railing to see a caravan ready to head out, he looked at the caravan for a while then went and opened the gate.

As soon as the caravan got out he closed the gate and went to the other railing to see the caravan, "Be safe and be sure to be home on time."

"Dark was that all about," Trail walked over to him.

"If you ware smart you would have put two and two together, my name is Dark STAR, and that was a caravan from the STAR caravan HQ," he just looked at Trail.

"Oh that was your families caravan that just left," Dark was glad he finally got it.

"Yes you got it, my family runs the caravan company and right now they're heading to Stableton to make a delivery of medical supplies."

Trail looked at the caravan as it went out of sight, "So your doing this to protect them?"

*Sigh* "Yes it's not just them, I'm also protecting my sister, she works at the hospital and I don't want anything to hurt her."

"Heh its kinda funny Dark, you act all tough but you're really just like every pony here, you are nice in your own way."

"Listen, Trail, I'm not nice ok, I just act not so mean sometimes, don't confuse the two or you'll end up regretting it." Dark Stood there looking out to the wastes as he looked for any signs of danger. He looked back at his families caravan HQ, "They will die out there" he heard a voice say in his head, he just shook his head and looked back over the wastes. Knowing that the voice wasn't there and it was just him having too much stress, but something in him believed the voice, he was hoping the day would go by faster so he could talk to his boss about this partner.

Comments

[Mr Pones]

MFW that description.
i.imgur.com/xLoka.jpg
wut

[zaczac111]

The description is merely two big sentences... Not sure if want to open, I'm allergic to WoTs.

[Impress Me]

Maybe you should fix the chapter name. The start off it all? it should probably be OF.....

[CDFA]

puu.sh/2paGb

[Mooshbah]

I am boldly diving into the wall of text headfirst, hoping to dive through and touch the bottom so that i may report my findings on life inside the belly of the beast. (I'm going to review your story and post a critique. because everyone deserves an equal chance.)

[Mooshbah]

I'm going to give you the bad news first.
personnel gain. I do believe that you meant "personal" there.

but they will risk it all just to keep what they vowed to defend alive and well, even if it cost them their lives.

There is a tense error here (as in past or present tense) "They will" is future tense whereas "cost" is present or past tense.
it was given to the star family by the royal sisters and it has been the families job to protect the book at all costs.

why? Why would the all powerful, immortal, magically superior to you in every way shape and form royal sisters give your family something that important?
I understand that it will be a plot device in later chapters but if you are going to do something like that try to explain it a bit.

This ponies name Ponies is plural, pony's is possessive.

When the Royal sisters learned about this they quickly banished him from equestria, but he vowed he would return one day and kill them, upon his day of return the sisters were ready for him and sealed him inside of the book and there his soul would remain forever. And when the time came for Dark and Glimmering to take over for guarding the book, they both wanted to learn a spell.

Uh oh sir. It seems as though you have a four line run on sentence.
Dark was sitting at home one day with his family around him when a crazed pony burst into their house with a gun, as his Dad moved to get his pistol the pony shot him.
really? Really bro?

Glimmering rushed over to her Dad, but the pony grabbed her and tried to leave, but as Dark saw this he looked around and saw his Dads pistol sitting on the ground so he picked it up and shot the pony in the arm causing him to release Glimmering. Alright this is getting ridiculous. A comma is not a replacement for punctuation. It is used to indicate a pause in a sentence.

IT has been a few years now and he had finally reached his dream, he started out as a basic town guard but now hes the best town guard and he stands above the gate stopping threats before they even get near the town.
There is a bit of redundancy here that displeases me so. If you absolutely have to use the same phrase twice in a sentence, at least alter it a bit so that it sounds better being read out loud. (Also a good example of a comma being used for a pause.)

"Wait is there a pony behind me,"(?) <-This little guy over here is called a question mark. one uses him to indicate a question being asked.

"Kid I'm not here to make friends or get to know you, all you need to know about me is my name is Dark Star and I do this job to protect this town and I'll kill anything that posses a threat to this town.
Another run on. Try changing it so something like this "Kid I'm not here to make friends or get to know you. All you need to know about me is that my name is Dark Star, I do this job to protect this town, and I'll kill anything that poses a threat to it." See? it sounds better and you even get to use more of your favorite punctuation!

"You sure are cheery aren't you, but I can't blame you having to kill other ponies and all could really change a pony." That first part is a question and even if it may be sarcastic or rhetorical, It still deserves the same question mark any other question would get.

"Guard we have a caravan heading out," Dark looked over the railing to see a caravan ready to head out,
Another instance of redundancy.

if you have to kill the live and don't I'm sorry what? i couldn't hear you over the sound of the English language being butchered.

One last bit of bad news is that this whole thing is a wall of text. Text walls are eyesores and can make your story very hard to read. Try pressing enter twice after each paragraph and you should have that wall looking shinier at the very least.

Now sir for the good news i have for you. You never mixed up your and you're. Not even once. Be proud of that. I see great potential in this story but if I were you, I would get some better cover art, find a proofreader, (if you absolutely need one then send me a message and i will be happy to) and re-release your story in a few weeks when you are prepared.

[Scribblestick]

Dark Star
Glimmering Hope

I sense some foreshadowing!

I first killed a pony when I was a filly and I liked it.

Kay, I gotta address this. "Fillies" are the equine equivalent of "girls" and "colts" are the equivalent of "boys," much like "stalllions" are the equivalent of "men" and "mares" the equivalent of "women." It's best not to get the terms mixed up.

Apart from that, you have an awful lot of telling going on. Whether through exposition or dialogue, you're mostly just telling us things about this world and its characters. Try showing a little more.

[Falcon 7]

Ha Ha! Confusion!

No seriously, I have no idea what's going on with what you just wrote. There's a lot of exposition, too much in fact which takes away from the actual story but it's all jumbled up and it says stuff without actually saying anything if such a thing is possible.

Radiation in Equestria. Why? Was there a nuclear war? Since when have ponies had nuclear capabilities? You need to tell us why it's like this or are you just going to assume we'll accept it?

Dark Star and Glimmering Hope. Strange names but I'm assuming they're done for effect. But why does anybody care how they look? It's bordering on Mary Sue territory when during their introduction you mention their colouring but fail to mention just about every other ponies colouring. Consistency, you need it.

Hi filly hood was not normal but he still had a good life

So he's a crossdresser or something? A filly is a young female horse. A colt is a young male horse. You know, just like you would never refer to a little boy as a girl unless you were being insulting or he was maybe really really really fey.

So there's this really important book that contains some of the most powerful spells in the land as well as the spirit / essence / phantom zone type body of one of the most evil ponies out there and the sisters give it to a couple that run a caravan? Wouldn't it make more sense to have such a powerful and dangerous object locked up somewhere where nopony could get at it including young foals who might try to learn the spells and maybe let the ancient evil loose? But I guess this is the MacGuffin used to advance the plot. It's more of a plot hole but you get the point.

A Wild Crazy Pony appears for no adequately explained reason but gives us a reason for Dark Star to want to become a guard. He shoots the father who is miraculously alive and well a few sentences later. Maybe you want to explain why he's still walking around without seeming harm if he just got shot.

He's so great that he becomes the bestest guard of all. Yet even this means that nopony tells him he's going to have a partner which he simply accepts without question. Not much of a guard now is he?

Dark Star is really badass and has to prove it to everypony he meets. Yeah, I'm not buying it. Sounds like an author self-insert to me.

You got a lot of problems with this story from your spelling, your grammar and overall story telling. You need to show us what is happening. Give background information. Have conversations and dialogue so that we the readers can become invested with these characters and feel something for them. I suggest finding yourself an editor and working with them to fix some of these issues.