Pinkie's Journal

by The Unknown Twinkie

Chapter 1

Pinkie's Journal
Chapter 1

Entree #3478
Pg. 234

It's been a long time since I wrote in here, like yesterday. I have a lot to write about that are very important. Yesterday I got up at 7 o’clock and I help Mr. and Mrs. Cake make some cupcake's a wedding cake, some apple pie, couple dozen of chocolate chip cookies which are really tasty and a key lime pie. Once those were baked, I then went to Apple Jack's farm called Apple Acres (which you probably know since page 8) to collect 2 dozen apples. I was almost there when my friend Rainbow Dash stopped me and ask if I want to help her pull prank's.

If it was on a different day I would have accept it but I had some errands to run so I told her “Next time.” And I continued towards Apple Acres. Once I arrived there, I went to find Apple Jack (which it wasn't easy I'll tell you that) and I ask her for the apples that I needed. She walked me to the barn and she opened the door and I saw a lot of apples. There must have been thousands of apples just waiting to be eaten. I reached for one but Apple Jack stop me and gave me my 2 dozen apples. I gave her the money and I left the farm (but not without taking some apples, I just hope she doesn't find out.)

I was heading back to the bakery shop when I saw Fluttershy helping some animals. I walked up behind her and I yelled “Hi” it must have been loud because the next thing I knew is that she was in the tree holding on a branch shaking. Once she saw that it was me, she float down to the ground and saying that I scared her. Me? Scared her? Why would I scared her? I'll never understand Fluttershy and why she get's scared easily. Maybe it's her kind nature that make's her scared of everything, even her shadow scares her. Which remind me of this one time me and Rainbow Dash and Apple Jack were at the park hanging out and we see Fluttershy walking to us wanting to talk to us about something and then all of a sudden she starts freaking out and hide in a bush. We couldn't figure out why, but we tried everything to get her out of the bush. After a while we got tired of trying to force her out so Rainbow Dash put some clouds above her too hide her shadow and it WORKED! But she forgot what she wanted to tell us and she walked back home.

I told Fluttershy that I'm sorry for scaring her (which she accepts) and I continued to go back to the bakery. I walked past Rarity's house and I noticed her making some new clothes. She love making clothes, every time we talk to her she either being a drama queen or a snob about getting dirty. But she's still fun to hang out with even if it's quite annoying. What was I saying again...oh yea. I walked past her house and I continued my way to go back to the bakery, when out of no where my Pinkie Scents started to go crazy. My Pinkie Scents warned me about falling objects and open doors. So I grab my little colorful umbrella and put it on my head and I avoided all of the doors and I mean ALL OF THEM.

While I was walking slowly a hammer came from the sky and landed right in the tree across the street right at the same time the flower shop door opened. It was a good thing I have my Pinkie Scents because I would have been hit by both of them. After the ordeal was over I walked calmly back to the bakery and gave the apples to Mrs. Cake.

Then I...

“Pinkie!” A voice yelled.

I stop writing in my journal and answered. “Yes Mrs. Cake.”

“I need you to make a delivery right now.” Mrs. Cake said to me.

“Okey dokey lokey.” I said.

Well to make a long story short, I spent the rest of my day helping out Mr. and Mrs. Cake. We were getting to the good part where I almost burned down the bakery shop.

Well I'll write some more tomorrow.

See you soon.

To be continued...

Comments

[XnemesiswolfieX]

Burnburnburn...sorry.

[Mobius of the Moon]

Okay, so random, but I like it.

[Angel]

It's an very good idea, but the first chapter wasn't too interesting for me. Needs more random, in my opinion.

Also, I'm fairly sure it is "Pinkie Sense", not "Pinkie Scents".

[The Unknown Twinkie]

177324Thanks for letting me know that I miss spelled that^^

[Thecrazyrabidfangirl]

Ohhhh boy, where to begin? Where to begin?

The entire story is, in one word: boring. This is supposed to be Pinkie Pie! Yet the entire entry is horribly bland. It's supposed to be exciting! Crazy! But no, it reads more like a grocery list of daily activities.

And that's just the story content itself. The formatting, syntax, spelling, and grammar are all awful. Pointing out the myriad of grammatical errors would take far more time than it's worth.

But, fear not, I've saved the best for last *cracks knuckles* . It's "Sweet Apple Acres" not "Apple Acres". "Applejack" not "Apple Jack". "Pinkie Sense" not "Pinkie Scents".

2/5 Because Pinkie Pie disapproves.

[Distrance]

Pinkie Pie seems a lot more sane within the pages of her diary

[Bashfluff]

Needs a little bit of work. I wouldn't call it BORING by any stretch, but I don't think the way you wrote it could hold an entire chapter. I know that sounds like another way of saying it's boring, but that's not what I'm trying to get at. It'd be fine as a part of a larger narrative, but it's not quite enough to hold everyone's attention. Everything that plays out in a story is condensed here, so it has to be the best stuff you can get, that tells the most and makes you feel the most. I know the first chapter is usually the hardest, and the better stuff comes later, but it could at least set a good tone, make us WANT to read more instead of having to push on in hopes that there might be more.

You need to have Pinkie Pie better nailed down as a character. I see that you have an okay grasp on the character, but it's not great. Read some fics, watch the show (season one, please, her character in season two is shot to hell), and write down notes on her character. It seems dorky, but it really helps.

Until next time!

[Dotter]

I don't know how I got here but I'm glad I did this was pretty good.

[Matthebrony]

I looked at the first line "Entree #23578"
Entrees are served in dinners, entries are in journals (singular:entry)
Hope you don't mind the spelling criticism, that aside though, not bad..but not amazing either. I personally find journal entry stories a bit more boring, half because you can't really experience the action while you're sitting inside a book while reading a book.
It's also super short. Like SUPER short. I know it's the first chapter but you're probably not continuing it so it's basically a one-shot at this point in time.
Still, your writing isn't bad, I really, really love Twinkie and wouldn't mind seeing a shipfic from you.