• Member Since 13th Oct, 2011
  • offline last seen May 12th

The Unknown Twinkie


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Twilight and Chrysalis have been betroth to each other since they were fillies, but that was years ago. Now 10 years later the announcment of Cadence and Shining Armor wedding but that doesn't shock her what surprises Twilight is that she gets an invitation about her wedding also. What does this all mean to twilight? How can she love someone she doesn't remember. What's the true purpose behind these weddings?

Rating will change later on.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 30 )

This has potential and I will be tracking this but as a piece of constructive criticism be sure to capitalize names.
A once over with respect to grammar should be good enough.
I didn't see any obvious spelling errors.

All in all a very original idea in my opinion and a slightly darker take on Celeatia is always interesting. Keep up the writing.

So this looks interesting but I would recommend finding an editor as there are several grammar errors and misspelled words and also areas that don't make sense and could use more work to explain things.

And I have to ask why does everyone keep saying "My" that was very strange and distracting as it was very out of place.

Also how does Twilight of all ponies forget about meeting changelings just 10 years ago?

Anyways like I said I'd recommend getting an editor as this needs it but is an interesting start.

I like the story and hope you will post more chapters :D
Also in the last line i think you meant robe .-. instead of rob :P besides that i couldn't note any other obvious spelling mistakes

Yes your story has my full attention now keep up the good work update more on this story soon :twilightsmile:

This is an interesting take. I can see this story going very well from here but id say you need to work on your delivery of events and character mannerisms.... as it is your story reads similarly to that of a monologue. so 7/10. But its still good and im looking forward to more

Why in the heck would anyone create an arranged marriage between two young females and assume that they'd be homosexual and therefore neither would object to it in the least?

This is pure insanity.

7488324

This is pure insanity

no this is Equestria and politics

Good story. I'll read more of it but your Grammer and spelling need work and what's with all the "It's" from the queen?

7488401 It's also a good way to ensure there's going to be trouble. I suspect Discord is behind it all. Or Palpatine.

Also... what country is the author from? English does not seem to be a first language, given the plethora of spelling and grammatical errors, not to mention a rather awkward sentence structuring reminiscent of someone just learning a language and not being familiar with its nuances.

7488452 at this point Discord is sealed in stone so couldn't really do anything.

Though with Celestia's plan to basicly brainwash Twilight it won't matter what her sexuality is as like Celestis said she will do whatever Celestis wants.

Chrysalis might be a cultural or species thiing where they don't have have sexural preferences and such and basicly mate with any gender.

Actually I question how everyone seems to have forgotten a war with a racing of shapeshifterd in 10 years time as only Cadence seemed to know what a changeling was.

7488470 Uhm, this story takes place in an alt-universe where the ponies and changelings apparently just fought a war, now have a treaty, Celestia's plotting sinister schemes involving children, and Chrysalis is about the same age as Twilight.

You're making an awfully big assumption that Discord's still stoned, or was ever sealed in the first place, given these already massive departures from canon.

We can't take anything for granted in a story like this, since everything we know about the characters we've seen thus far with regard to the show has been tossed out the window.

It's FiM in name only. There is no trace of ANYTHING of the themes or characterization from the show. You could easily replace these characters with some of those from "Game of Thrones"... and thematically it'd be a far better fit!

In any case, you're also taking my flippant comment about the story's obvious conspiracy theme (which included a mention of Palpatine from Star Wars, which I assumed would be enough to permit people to conclude I was being sarcastic) seriously, which is also silly.

Uhm... it is pupil not pupal. Pupal means of or relating to pupa. Pupil means a school student though that is also the spelling for a part of the eye.

>> Scorch215 Thanks for reading the story, The only one that really says 'My' is Queen Synthesis. Princess Chrysalis only repeated what her mother said from word to word. She said "Twilight please raise your head." But because her mother likes to say 'My' at the front of her sentences chrysalis added the word 'My' in front.

7488999 ah OK, character straight is none issue then, distracting but fine.

I do look forward to more of the story but I am holding of on favorting and liking it till I see where it is going.

Still do recommend an editor

good start, I shall be watch and hope for more

I have to ask. Why haven't you been able to make another chapter? This story has potential and I hate seeing that potential go to waste.

Comment posted by Pussinboot deleted Feb 19th, 2017

7931972 en este sitio se hable INGLES

Comment posted by Pussinboot deleted Feb 19th, 2017

And knows i want to slap a b***h and her names starts with a c

Um... Not sure how to think about this. It's a good premise to be sure, but it was a tough pill to swallow. Like, if hatching a dragon egg was unheard of then why was it provided as a final test of her entry into the school?
And Celestia wouldn't brainwash Twilight, or anything akin to it. More likely she would see her prized pupil as a child of her own, and discuss the matter with Twilight's parents first. After all she's the sole ruler, and mother figure to all her ponies at this point in time so as a ruler she needs to think of them all. That doesn't mean she would just completely ignore the emotional consequences of it though, she's not as hard hearted as Luna can be.
Other than that I would suggest finding a Beta Reader, someone you know is very good with grammar so they can check you for grammar mistakes. I spotted a few in here, just saying.
Other than that like I said before this is an interesting story so far. I hope to see more in the future!
KEEP GOING STRONG!!!!!!!

Not bad but alot of your dialogue and indeed most of your description is very stilted and doesnt flow very well on top of a couple more notable grammatical and spelling errors. If you would like some assistance I wouldnt mind proofreading for you. You have real potential. :)

Hmm, this one is interesting, I'll be tracking this to see if it continues, though you might want to get an editor for the few spelling errors like the pupal one.

Other than the authors unfamiliarity with English, the story flows pretty well. looking forward to the next chapter.

something tells me that another chapter isnt coming sadly

I wish someone finished this, it's such a good idea, but It's been abandoned

9075659
It's not abandoned, I'm still working on it but because I do have a life things get slow at updating. Non of my stories are abandoned but they are slowly coming. Also I am working on another story as well as this one, so I have been going back and forth between them both when I can.

Really good chapter

This is really really interesting, I hope you can continue this.

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