This is Pinkie Pie's Journal. I wonder what's in it?
Chapters (1)
The Unknown Twinkie
Joined 13th Oct, 2011 ·
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Burnburnburn...sorry.
Okay, so random, but I like it.
It's an very good idea, but the first chapter wasn't too interesting for me. Needs more random, in my opinion.
Also, I'm fairly sure it is "Pinkie Sense", not "Pinkie Scents".
177324Thanks for letting me know that I miss spelled that^^
Ohhhh boy, where to begin? Where to begin?
The entire story is, in one word: boring. This is supposed to be Pinkie Pie! Yet the entire entry is horribly bland. It's supposed to be exciting! Crazy! But no, it reads more like a grocery list of daily activities.
And that's just the story content itself. The formatting, syntax, spelling, and grammar are all awful. Pointing out the myriad of grammatical errors would take far more time than it's worth.
But, fear not, I've saved the best for last *cracks knuckles*
. It's "Sweet Apple Acres" not "Apple Acres". "Applejack" not "Apple Jack". "Pinkie Sense" not "Pinkie Scents".
2/5
Because Pinkie Pie disapproves.
Pinkie Pie seems a lot more sane within the pages of her diary
Needs a little bit of work. I wouldn't call it BORING by any stretch, but I don't think the way you wrote it could hold an entire chapter. I know that sounds like another way of saying it's boring, but that's not what I'm trying to get at. It'd be fine as a part of a larger narrative, but it's not quite enough to hold everyone's attention. Everything that plays out in a story is condensed here, so it has to be the best stuff you can get, that tells the most and makes you feel the most. I know the first chapter is usually the hardest, and the better stuff comes later, but it could at least set a good tone, make us WANT to read more instead of having to push on in hopes that there might be more.
You need to have Pinkie Pie better nailed down as a character. I see that you have an okay grasp on the character, but it's not great. Read some fics, watch the show (season one, please, her character in season two is shot to hell), and write down notes on her character. It seems dorky, but it really helps.
Until next time!
I don't know how I got here but I'm glad I did this was pretty good.
I looked at the first line "Entree #23578"
Entrees are served in dinners, entries are in journals (singular:entry)
Hope you don't mind the spelling criticism, that aside though, not bad..but not amazing either. I personally find journal entry stories a bit more boring, half because you can't really experience the action while you're sitting inside a book while reading a book.
It's also super short. Like SUPER short. I know it's the first chapter but you're probably not continuing it so it's basically a one-shot at this point in time.
Still, your writing isn't bad, I really, really love Twinkie and wouldn't mind seeing a shipfic from you.